Depression

[Cheyenne7]

I'm 37 weeks and really struggling with this pregnancy.

Quite frankly I didn't want kids and DH did. In retrospect I was an idiot, I thought that I wouldn't get pregnant (always had a lot of PCOS symptoms and it runs in my family.) and I also thought that if I did there would be all these bonding hormones that would just take over and make me feel "motherly" or "attached."

I'm finding that the closer I get to the big day the more that I am aware that I just plain and simply don't want to be a mother. I haven't had any interest in purchasing baby crap (I sent my husband to do that) I have little to no interest in picking out names, I just can't imagine my life with a child in it.

Something about mother's day just really crystallized that for me. I saw all these memes and videos and posts on social media about mothers and I just was relieved that I am NOT one.

Not only that but I have zero bond with baby. In fact TBH I HATE him, I resent what he has done to my life, my body and my marriage. I honestly think that I would hurt him after the birth. I want to give him up for adoption, I can't stand the thought of bringing it home from the hospital.Or trying to fake happiness over this life change with all of my friends and family around. DH is furious at that suggestion and insistent that we have to keep him. Which honestly makes me just want to leave the relationship and move across the country to anywhere else.

I have also been severely depressed since the onset of the pregnancy and hubby is trying to tell me that this is just the depression talking. (BTW I have been to no less than 9 counsellors/Dr.'s/Mental health professionals so please don't tell me to get help, there is NOTHING left to try.)

How do I know if it's just depression? This is a big decision and I'm SO lost.

 

[Hoping4numbr3]

Hi this sounds super tough! Not sure if you are already taking Antidepressants but perhaps those could help if not? I believe they normally say not to take them during the 3rd trimester but if the benefits outweigh the risk it may be a good idea for you. As for having a bond with the baby sometimes that takes place after pregnancy. I do not feel that I felt a bond during either of my pregnancies but afterward something clicked. It isn't always that way for everyone. I am really sorry you are feeling this way. What did the counselors say when you said you thought you might harm the baby?

 

[noon_child]

9 mental health professionals is a lot in 9 months - is there anyone you are getting consistent help from? What has happened with those 9 professionals, have they diagnosed depression and/or offered any further treatment?

I think it is completely reasonable to not want to be a mother and be terrified of the upheaval a new life will bring. Many people who have always wanted a child find that, although they might love their children, they hate "motherhood". So I think if you've never really wanted children a fear of motherhood and a resulting depression is completely reasonable...

BUT I want you to realise that a pregnant woman's body does things differently to a non-pregnant woman's. There are parts of the immune system that react in a way that is designed to protect the baby BUT if they overreact a little bit they actually MAKE YOUR BRAIN DEPRESSED. It is really, really, really difficult while you are pregnant to work out what is "the depression talking" and what is your rational doubts and fears about motherhood. It could be one, the other, or both.

All you can do is keep communicating with everyone around you and being brutally honest. Nothing is set in stone, take one moment at a time. You don't have to make decisions about the rest of this child's life now, just take each decision at each moment as it comes. And don't pretend to be happy if you are not. Similarly try not to get too worked up about not being happy - your thoughts and feelings right now might not be your thoughts and feelings in a day, week, month - they are just your thoughts and feelings right now. If you continue to be honest about what you can and can't do, your partner will have to pick up the slack and health care professionals will continue to assess your mental health (as long as you are honest with them) and if it becomes clear that you are unable to look after the child they will consult with you and your partner about ways to move forward.

If your partner is the one who always wanted children, has he made plans to become a primary carer? This is his child too after all. Rather than give him the ultimatum that you want the child adopted, perhaps tell him how you fear you will hurt the child and ask what he thinks you both should do about that (very real) situation, how he thinks you can tackle that together and how he thinks he can support you and/or the child to keep you both healthy and safe. He may just be hoping that your instincts will kick in at birth but there is no guarantee of that, and that isn't a realistic plan. Have any mental health professionals spoken to him about the impact of antenatal and post natal depression?

 

[Allie84]

I'm sorry, this sounds hard. I didn't bond with DS right away due to fear and a traumatic birth. Hormones after birth are no joke. I remember feeling so scared of the upheaval of my childfree life and this was after 10 months of major TTC.

It sounds like you have not had consistent care. I am on Zoloft AND Klonopin even though it's a Cat D pregnancy med because that's how bad my anxiety is. Sooo have you tried any medication? It can honestly make a difference. I was in denial about taking any medicine for my 'brain' from ages to 19 to 29 and it was only when my son was nearly 2 I 'gave in' and wow, it's amazing how different I am.

My anxiety makes me scared to bond with baby as I worry something terrible will happen any time. Different to your fears but still fears.

I agree with previous poster that you should talk with DH about him being the primary caregiver. You need to tell people who will listen and take you seriously when you say you fear you will harm the baby. Tell the hospital when you are there giving birth. If you need to be away, they can deal with that. Feel no shame....just be honest as post partum hormones are no joke.

Best of luck and please keep in touch and posting. xoxo

 

[Cheyenne7]

I have seen one dr. and one counsellor consistently throughout the pregnancy. The other 7 were second, third and fourth, etc. opinions.
The internet is chalk full of pregnant women who are on meds for their depression/anxiety, but no one I can find will prescribe more the the lowest dose of lorazepam for me. Highly ineffective since it treats anxiety and my problem is depression, although I have used it at times to help me get to sleep when I can't quit crying.
I have been quite honest about my feelings that I may hurt baby so the plan is for my husband to do the bulk of the care and not leave me alone until (or if) I feel safe. To be frank the dr doesn't seem to concerned, just told me that I'm a high risk for PPD (no duh) and said that after the birth they can medicate me.
Honestly I'm not even sure I want to try meds after the birth at this point. I'm just tired of trying to force this fake bond and I don't want some bond that induced by meds.

 

[noon_child]

Honestly I'm not even sure I want to try meds after the birth at this point. I'm just tired of trying to force this fake bond and I don't want some bond that induced by meds.

Meds wont create or induce fake emotions - that's not how they work. God if they did they'd make even more of a fortune than they do now!
"Fallen out of love with your husband? Take this pill and stay happily together till the children are in college", "Hate your job? Take this pill and stay content in a mind numbingly dull workplace" etc etc.

What they might help to do is calm down the "fake" thoughts that the depression gives you, bring your body back in to balance and make you feel more like yourself again.

Breastfeeding is also a really good way of bringing your body back to its pre pregnancy state as it reduces those immune system effects that cause your brain to be susceptible to depression - however I realise in a situation where you are struggling to bond and feel like you hate your baby, this might be something you can't consider doing - I just thought you deserve all the information about how your pregnancy and post pregnancy brain are designed.

 

[CharCharxxx]

I'm so sorry you're going through these horrid emotions i really am. I'm on my fourth this time but he was not at all planned. I spent the majority of my pregnancy wishing to god it hadn't of happened and I'm going to honestly say that when i had my early 8 week scan i was secretly hoping that it was a blighted ovum, something I've never ever wished for before with my others. I've onky recently began to start bonding with this baby at 33 weeks. I suffer with chronic anxiety and sometimes depression,which i see a private therapist for. I can honestly say if you suffer with aby type of disorder such as anxiety or depression, pregnancy hormones heighten it sooooo much in ways such as dark intrusive thoughts, and it gets to the point where you cannot tell what is your genuine beliefs and what isn't. It's like being in a prison and absolute torture. The reason I'm telling you all this is to let you know that you really aren't alone and more people go through these agonising types of feelings than you realise. I will also be going back on medication once the baby is here as it helps tremendously. I was on zoloft (sertraline) before pregnancy snd it worked miracles. I would really consider taking something after the birth, like the previous poster said it won't give you fake feelings or thoughts, it will help to stop the fake thoughts caused by the depression. There are also some good hypnosis videos or youtube and pre natal meditation ones I've been doing alot of those and they definitely help a bit x

 

[bdb84]

I'm astounded that none of your physicians will prescribe you an anti-depressant during pregnancy! Are you in the states? My ex-husband left me when I was 7 months pregnant with our third child. My OB was my biggest shoulder to lean on. He begged me to get on anti-depressants BEFORE I delivered because he feared that untreated depression would spiral into immense postpartum depression. Please keep looking! There has to be a physician near you who will remove their head from their ass.

 

[Allie84]

I agree with all of the other posters....trust me, being on Zoloft and Klonopin has not created any false emotions or happiness.....basically the Zoloft just numbs the intrusive dark thoughts and worries and Klonopin keeps me from having constant anxiety attacks. But it REEEALLLY sounds like you need something to help you through this.

And please keep posting your feelings; I hope it's helping....

 

[laila 44]

I’m sorry you are going through this. Feeling like you may actually hurt the baby is quite serious. You definitely need to be on medication and I don’t mean to sound harsh but this sounds very much like some sort of depression. It will get worse post partum and I’m shocked that no one has prescribed medication... not sure what to say except that you should probably turn to your family and see if they can intervene and get you the proper help you need XX

 

[lilmisscaviar]

Honestly I'm not surprised that your doctor is hesitant about prescribing anti-depressents. My midwife is the same way... she won't prescribe me more than the minimum amount of Zoloft. I always suffer from a bit of depression during pregnancy and it has gotten worse with each baby. I think for me it is more because we don't have much help and the end of pregnancy is always the hardest. I just want to rest and I can't. After the baby is born and I take the meds for a few months, I'm usually back to my usual self so it makes me think that my depression is mostly hormone related. Honestly, in four previous pregnancies, I've never bonded with any of my babies right away (I mean you're trying to heal and the hospital just throws you directly into motherhood) so definitely ask for help with the baby if you feel overwhelmed at any point. Don't try to be superwoman. Now that my children are older and more self sufficient, it is a lot easier and we have a great bond but I'm secretly not looking forward to the baby years again, especially since this baby wasn't planned.