Devastated over c section

[Jadey121]

I also felt like this when i had to have an emergency c section with my first. I felt like i had cheated but if i hadnt of had a section my baby boy wouldnt be here. I felt down about it for months bit it did get easier. I looked at my son and thought i may not of been able to push you out but i kept you safe in there for 9 months. I also had to have a section with my 2nd as i failed to progress. Yes i was really gutted but i guess what will be will be. I still think about not being able to push them out but i dont feel bad anymore. We are all blessed with our babies no matter how they come into the world. Time is a good healer im blessed with my two healthy babies. xox

 

[bitethebullet]

Hey there. I went from wanting a natural birth, to having to be induced because she was 2 weeks late, to having to have a c section as she was undiagnosed breech. I too felt quite a lot of disappointment (not one part of my birthplan was adhered to- daddy didn't even get to cut the cord and I didn't have the immediate skin to skin I wanted)- I had a great pregnancy and was actually looking forward to birthing my baby. For me, I think it's extremely important to look at it positively- you may not have given birth vaginally but you gave birth! You have a healthy LO- some people aren't so lucky. Every birth is completely unique and personal, including every birth by c section. When it comes down to it, labour and birth are just a tiny part of what it means to be a parent. Look ahead not back.

 

[ladysarcasma]

Five years ago, my dreams of a reasonably uncomplicated vaginal birth were dashed when they induced me. After 32 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing (2 of which were completely non-productive), I had an EMCS that nearly killed me and distressed my baby. We both ended up in ICU, me with a transfusion and breathing tube, my daughter with blood sugar problems.

Afterward, I was so disappointed in myself. I felt like a failure for having worked so hard and pushed so long only to end up delivering surgically. And because of my crazy incision, I would never have the option to deliver vaginally in the future. I cried for days and was very upset with myself.

After a couple years, though, and especially recently, I have realized how close I actually had come to not making it. And I was so happy just to be alive and to have gotten to be a mommy to my awesome little girl. It doesn't matter how she came into the world. What matters is how much she's been loved since she's been here. And now, I'm going to be bringing her a little brother in the best way possible for the safety of their Mommy.

 

[supertabby]

Did you or did you not get a birth certificate for your daughter? You gave life, you gave birth, it doesn't matter if you pushed her out or if you bravely consented to going under the knife for her - you brought her into this world. You gave her life, you nurtured her inside you for 9 months and now you're nurturing her on the outside. None of that says failure to me. Well done, you are a wonderful mummy. Of course when she's 16 you'll be the embarrassing witch who is never fair lol but that's for another day!

I totally get how you feel, I went through it to after ending up with an emcs when I dreamt of a water birth. But over time I've come to realise exactly what I said to you above. Give it time and give yourself a break.

 

[wookie3]

Thanks to you all for the positive comments and advice.

It's been 3 weeks now and things are slightly easier. I am trying to think rationally like all you ladies have advised - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't and some days it really bothers me but I am trying to tell myself that she is here and safe and that's all that matters.

 

[sbl]

Dont be so hard on yourself. You did give birth, you did bring a baby into the world safely so you should be proud of yourself! Sections are not easy, its major abdominal surgery!

I dont understand how you feel as it doesnt bother me that I had section but I feel for you and think you should give yourself a break.

xx

 

[Proserpina]

She was also born with a congenital birth defect, the left side of her face developed at a slower rate then her right side, she has no left ear and some dissymmetry in her face. The condition is called Goldenhar syndrome, thankfully she has a very mild case. You wouldnt be able to tell by looking at her.

Someone who primarily knows me through the Internet contacted me over Christmas break to share a little bit about his daughter's Goldenhar syndrome. It has some similarities to my daughter's Velo-Cardio-Facial syndrome, although not in the asymmetrical appearance of the face. He said that his daughter is intelligent and outspoken and that she would never want someone to think of her as having a disability, that her Goldenhar syndrome gives her face kind of a distinctive look and that a lot of people don't even notice. She has to wear a hearing aid though.

Just wanted to share a positive story about someone with Goldenhar syndrome.

 

[Janers]

She was also born with a congenital birth defect, the left side of her face developed at a slower rate then her right side, she has no left ear and some dissymmetry in her face. The condition is called Goldenhar syndrome, thankfully she has a very mild case. You wouldnt be able to tell by looking at her.

Someone who primarily knows me through the Internet contacted me over Christmas break to share a little bit about his daughter's Goldenhar syndrome. It has some similarities to my daughter's Velo-Cardio-Facial syndrome, although not in the asymmetrical appearance of the face. He said that his daughter is intelligent and outspoken and that she would never want someone to think of her as having a disability, that her Goldenhar syndrome gives her face kind of a distinctive look and that a lot of people don't even notice. She has to wear a hearing aid though.

Just wanted to share a positive story about someone with Goldenhar syndrome.

Thanks very much for that, I have never spoken to anyone with Goldenhar, or anyone who knows someone who has it. Its pretty rare where I live, so I'm very happy to hear a positive story!

 

[Peggy O]

Oh I can relate. I had our daughter Lily a month early via emergency c section, after 12 days in the hospital with pre eclampsia, trying to make it to term. They told me at 6pm, I had her at 1 am. I was alone when they told me (Thankfully OH made it just in time) She was 36 weeks. I feel like I was cheated out of the experience, I wanted to have her the other way SOOO bad. I looked forward to the bonding, the pain even...everything. We had trouble concieving, and I may never get to do this again. it sux, but I have a healthy daughter. I am just worried about the amount of time I spend dwelling on this. I am not sure I could possibly love her more, but I wonder if there is some birth magic feelings I missed by not delivering traditionally. I also did not get to meet her for 18 hours post delivery, I was on magnesium sulfite and confined to bed, she was on cpap in the NICU. They did show her to me for about two seconds after the delivery, but I barely remember it. When I went to meet her in the NICU the next night, she was all swaddled and had a hat on, I was on drugs and did not think to unwrap her and cuddle. It would have helped me alot I think. I spend time each day holding her on my shoulder trying to recapture whatever it is we missed. I am smitten, but is there more? Guess I don't get to know. I thought OH, baby and I (She did not have a name for 48 hours after birth) would have "a moment" in the delivery room, we never got it. I spent three days in the hospital after we had her, basically sobbing. Not how I wanted to have her, but she is here...I am lucky I am not dead and we'll be OK.

I am so glad I read this thread. I thought I was the only one who felt like this.

 

[shambaby]

I am glad to hear you are managing to feel a little more positive, and the more time that passes, the better you will feel, I am sure.

I suffered terrible guilt after Hayden was born - I went for induction at 41 weeks, due to polyhydramnios, and it completely failed, then - because of all the extra fluid he had in there he got himself into an oblique (diagonal) position. There were discussions with my consultant, and due to the greatly increased risk of cord prolapse if my waters broke, and the fact that induction had failed anyway, he recommended a c-section, and I went into theatre that afternoon. The actual section experience was pretty awful in that I felt pain during it, and lost a fairly significant amount of blood - not quite enough to need a transfusion, but enough that I felt totally drained afterwards and needed to take iron for several weeks. I then had terrible trouble breastfeeding and was readmitted to hospital when Hayden was a week old with raging mastitis and a uterine infection.

All this added up to me feeling like a complete failure as a mother - I failed to go into labour, failed to give birth, failed to feed him properly, and failed to look after him properly due to all the complications of my recovery. I spent his first few weeks of life on the verge of tears, and my poor hubby didn't know how to help me. There were times when every time I looked at Hayden I would cry because I had failed him so badly. I struggled with the fact that it wasn't really a life threatening emergency, and perhaps if I'd held out a bit longer I would have gone into labour.

Now, Hayden is over 2 years old, and although I would still rather have had a different experience, it really doesn't matter one bit. Yes, perhaps I would have gone into labour. But perhaps my waters might have broken and his cord prolapsed. In that case my decision to agree to the section when I did might have saved his life, just like your agreeing saved your daughter's life. We absolutely did not fail our babies - we made a big sacrafice for them, and put their well-being before our own, which is such an important part of being a good parent. We could have insisted on doing it the 'natural' way, but actually that would have been selfish, and could have been disastrous for our babies. So hold your head up high and be proud of what you did for your daughter. You made her, you grew her, and you did what you had to do to get her out into the world safely. You gave life to her, and you gave birth to her.

I am now expecting my second baby, and have been diagnosed with gestational diabetes, which means that if I don't go into labour, I will be booked in for an elective section at 39 weeks. I will admit I am a little worried about how I will feel if it comes to that, but I am getting my head around it and I will once again do whatever is best for my baby when it comes to making the decision.

One thing that has really helped me is to think back to before I got pregnant, when we were planning and TTC, and to remember that we were planning children, not birth experiences. Of course, it's natural to then start to plan for the birth experience during the pregnancy (mine was going to be a completely natural, drug-free waterbirth!) but it's not the main point of it all. I believe there is a grieving process of sorts to be worked through when things don't go as we hoped, but that time genuinely will heal and you will get through it and come to terms with it, and maybe eventually not even think about it.

Congratulations, and enjoy your precious little bundle you have worked so hard for xxx

 

[BlaireUK]

Peggy O - your daughter is adorable, congratulations . How you feel is exactly how I felt . I desperately regret how much I let it consume my thoughts in those early weeks and months. The guilt was awful. But like Shambaby says, you will with time come to terms with the delivery. You did a truly amazing thing by putting her first and bring her into this world. My only advice would be to try very hard to focus on all the good things just now and worry about disecting the birth in a few months time.

 

[katy1310]

Oh hun, I completely and utterly relate to how you are feeling. I had to have an emergency section at 27 weeks, and I have struggled with all those feelings that you have described.

I can definitely tell you that the feelings do fade with time - it's almost 3 years for me, and the longer you are a mummy to your child, the more those feelings fade. I promise.

I still sometimes feel like people will look down on my and think that I didn't give birth to my child, but not as much as I used to.

I had to have counselling and also suffered from PND and PTSD but things are so much better now.

I'm here if you need a chat xx

 

[hopefulfor1st]

I had my boy at 38 weeks he was 6 pound 2.
My placenta was also very calcified and I suffered a placental abruption (bleeding with clots) caused by huge blood clots behind it.
I had a class 1 emcs within 10 mins of arriving at hospital and I'm just happy he came into theis world by any means.
No natural labour, no contractions not even a bh, no water breaking

 

[momofone08]

I know you posted this while back but I wanted to send you big hugs. Reading your story brought me to tears because that is EXACTLY how I felt with my first. She was breech and I was young, so when the dr said the csection was the only option I consented. I felt like a failure, like I cheated her somehow. She is now a happy and healthy 4 1/2 year old. My second was an emergency csection. Although I already feel 100 times better about the situation it still gets to me occasionally. Jealousy and anger are the best ways to describe the way I was feeling. It gets better. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I promise the pain will ease. I wish I had someone to talk to when I went through this so if you EVER need an ear feel free to pm me.

Remember you are a mom (a WONDERFUL mom), No matter how your little one arrived. you made a decision that was best for your child regardless of your feelings and that is what makes a mom a good one.

 

[vixxen]

I've also struggled with coming to terms with my class 1 emcs, after delivering 3 babies already why would my body keep letting me down.
From a really crap pregnancy, to going into prem labour and having a very poorly baby.
It's probably silly of me i know but even 6 months down the line and all the other health concerns my daughter has ,that section still really plays on my mind.