DH doesn't want anyone to know

[sarah2211]

DH and I are a few months shy of the 12 month mark, but after some preliminary testing, it doesn't seem like things are working as they should be for me. DH is all clear, but my blood tests and scans suggest that PCOS is making this difficult. Last cycle at least, I didn't O. Anyway, DH and I are seeing a fertility specialist on Thursday. We will obviously know more then.

But DH and I have been talking about the next steps etc. He is adamant he doesn't want to tell anyone we are going through this. Even if it gets to the point of IVF (or beyond).

I'm not talking about making a Facebook announcement and telling everyone we know. I suggested we might tell our parents and maybe his brother and sister in law, who went through fertility treatment a few years ago.

But he says its private and we can't trust anyone to keep it to themselves and that we are 'burdening' people with our problems. I understand that but I can feel it is already eating away at me. Plus our family could be there to support us.

Who have you told and have you found it helpful?

 

[krissie328]

At first I told nobody. But after awhile I told a couple friends. After having my son I tell everyone why we are taking so long ttc a second. I've actually found it very freeing to share my journey. I suffered alone for so long and now I feel like when I'm struggling I have people who will be there.

I'm sorry your dh doesn't want to share it. Maybe seek some counseling to help process it for yourself.

 

[CaliDreaming]

When I was struggling to conceive the second time around I told my closest family members (dad and brother--mom passed away in 2009) in an attempt to get support. Unfortunately for me it was probably best that I kept it to myself. My dad kept telling me we should be happy with one child and was very negative on the idea of adoption. My dad meant well, but I think unless you've gone through infertility yourself you can't relate, even for family. My brother just did not react one way or the other, which was much better than what my dad did, but kind of made things awkward when he announced that he and my SIL were expecting.

Maybe you can convince your hubby to at least tell your brother and SIL, because I'm sure they would understand since they've been through it and could be trusted to keep it private.

 

[jules87]

DH and I also chose to keep quiet about our struggles. After a while though, we got so fed up with everyone asking when we were going to have kids that I just started telling everyone up front. I don't go into detail or anything, but it keeps them off my back.

Right now, I'd say that it's all still too new and your emotions (including your hubby's) are still pretty raw. Give him some time to come around to it.

I hope your appointment goes well and that you are able to get answers and a game plan!

 

[jcleary10]

I will give you my personal experience. I am VERY open about things. The first year of TTC when people asked when we were going to have a baby, I usually said something generic like, "when it happens, we will be excited" Then, after a year, more and more people started to ask questions. We started seeing an RE after we were TTC 1.5 years. We told several people. My parents, his mom, my brother and sister-n-law, a few of my close friends, and a few of his close friends. It felt good to have a support system, but then it got really emotionally draining for me.

My parents were very involved and it became stressful. They wanted to know EVERY detail and when things went bad, I felt like I never had a chance to process anything before having to explain to them. Especially when I miscarried. It also got to the point where they asked EVERY month if I started my period. It really started to get to me and caused additional stress. I appreciated their support, but it felt like I was letting them down every month and it took a toll on my emotionally to have that extra weight on my shoulders.

My DH's mom didn't understand anything that was going on and saw me as "the problem" on why we weren't pregnant.

My friends often were dramatic and said the wrong things. I heard a million times about my one friend who "struggled to get pregnant" almost weekly. The same story. It only took her 6 months and now she has 3 children, one more than she wanted. It just felt really insensitive. I know they meant well, but in the end, I really told too many people.

So, my advice is, I would pick maybe one or two people that you trust to lean on for support. I would keep the circle small. We had a lot of people that knew, and it just really made things difficult. When we were doing IUI most people knew the day I had to take my pregnancy test to see if it worked, and they would ask if it worked or not and it was hard for me when it didn't. Then, when it did work, there were a lot of people that asked if I was pregnant and of course, I couldn't lie and say I wasn't. So then a lot of people knew I was pregnant before I was ready to tell anyone. Then, the pregnancy didn't work out, so that was also a lot of people I had to tell about our miscarriage. It has all been so emotionally draining.

 

[BronteForever]

This is tough because it really is a catch 22. I lived in silence for many years and very few people knew we had an ectopic pregnancy and then we were trying again and I think it took way longer to heal then needed and it felt extremely lonely at times. Granted being on here will help.

Now that we moved onto IVF we told some family and my mom told others and they have all been supportive. However it's just come up in common conversation at times - like why I'm out for work - and I was vague for awhile but now I'm horribly at stretching the truth and usually just tell people. I agree I've also probably told way too many people. Most have been great and not pressed for info. But after our failed cycle it did make it a challenge that so many people knew. Frankly though I wouldn't change it; after living with hardly no one knowing for so long, I'm glad I've opened up more. And I've met so many friends of friends that have gone through stuff or gotten stories from my friends that have brought us closer.

Have people said stupid stuff occasionally? Absolutely, but I'd rather that then being so lonely again.

Your husband will probably come around. It seems harder for men and it is a lot to process at different points in the process. However if you need support from others you need to be honest and straight up tell your husband that.

You really do need outside support during this process and we found out drastically after our ectopic. Our marriage almost ended because we couldn't support each other at that time. This stuff sucks and it's not enough in my opinion to talk with just your spouse. Again - being on here will help. Really wish I had that when I went through all my stuff awhile ago. But having support in real life is great too.

 

[KatO79]

Firstly I'm sos orry you're going through this, I know how tough it is

As to telling people, my personal experience is you may want to only tell a select few. When DH and I were referred to a fertility clinic, we started telling his parents and my toxic mother since they knew we'd been TTCing for a while anyway (otherwise I may have not really said anything). None of them were very understanding though and my MIL especially (surprise!) was very into the "Just relax and it'll happen", then for our 6th IUI her and my FIL went into the "think positive" thing as well. Luckily DH told them that it doesn't work that way when it comes to true infertility which is what we were going through. But his parents conceived him and his 2 brothers very easily so they just didn't get it. I also made the mistake of telling my toxic siblings and stupidly thought I'd get some sympathy as my brother (the most toxic of them) and his wife went through numerous IVF cycles to get pregnant. Nope, he was cold and mean about it and I haven't really spoken to him since and that was back in January 2015. We ended up also telling DH's big and little brother and both were somewhat understanding. Surprisingly DH's grandmother (my MIL's mother) was the most understanding of them all though and she never said a hurtful or insensitive comment. When I told her we were doing IUI, she said she hoped that it would soon work for us and she was looking forward to another great grandchild None of the friends we did tell were very understanding either, only one of them to a certain degree as his older sister needed IVF to conceive. We did end up needing IVF though which worked on the 2nd try.

All this being said, I don't think though that infertility is anything to be ashamed of though and it shouldn't keep you from finding a supportive network. But maybe keep it to people you feel would be understanding? I think his brother and SIL are a great place to start since they'd totally understand it and be a good support system while you're going through this. You could always tell them that you don't want them to tell anyone else in the family though. I don't think that telling certain family and friends is "burdening" anyone, family is where you should be able to find support and understanding while you're going through tough times.

I'll be keeping my FXed for you and hope that your BFP is just around the corner

 

[jcleary10]

KatO79:
That is the experience that I had. No one truly understands what we have been through and continue to go through as we are still TTC our first. A lot of comments were really insensitive and when I was trying to get support made me feel worse. One of my closest, best friends even asked me if I was have sex at the right time! Like I didn't know how to get pregnant! The look on her face when she said it really made her comment worse and made me feel stupid and damaged. I also heard the "relax and it will happen" and "you are too stressed" and "you just need to have fun." I was told a lot that I could adopt and that I should be a foster parent. It was hard to make people understand that I wanted children of my own.

One of my close friends would also be very dramatic when I shared things with her, resulting in me not telling her hardly anything. WHen I was telling her about my diagnosis, she kept saying how bad it was. Instead of being positive, she was really negative and it made things really hard for me.

Sarah:
This is a hard thing...to know who to tell and who not to tell. In the end you have to do what is best for you. I would just tread lightly and tell the people who will really support you. I hope you get your BFP soon and you can just tell great news instead of all the fertility mess Good luck!!

 

[BronteForever]

Kat and jcleary - so sorry you had to experience alot of negativity. It does make this process harder, I will agree to that. I have alot of people ask me about adoption, people that are older than me and more overweight offer to donate me their eggs, and a whole heck of alot of misunderstandings. That is all true. And at times it can get overwhelming. Even with that, I still feel it's better then suffering in silence. And I've gotten to the point, where I try to educate people on it more than anything because it's horrendous what some people have to go through that suffer infertility and I'm fed up with it to an extent that people feel it's acceptable to tell other women that.

But you do need to do what's best for you and get a small support system going is a great starting point and you can go from there. Sometimes it is the people that you are worried about the most that end up providing good support though. We were worried to tell my in-laws since they are very religious about doing IVF, but they haven't said anything negative at all. So you never know.

 

[KatO79]

KatO79:
That is the experience that I had. No one truly understands what we have been through and continue to go through as we are still TTC our first. A lot of comments were really insensitive and when I was trying to get support made me feel worse. One of my closest, best friends even asked me if I was have sex at the right time! Like I didn't know how to get pregnant! The look on her face when she said it really made her comment worse and made me feel stupid and damaged. I also heard the "relax and it will happen" and "you are too stressed" and "you just need to have fun." I was told a lot that I could adopt and that I should be a foster parent. It was hard to make people understand that I wanted children of my own.

One of my close friends would also be very dramatic when I shared things with her, resulting in me not telling her hardly anything. WHen I was telling her about my diagnosis, she kept saying how bad it was. Instead of being positive, she was really negative and it made things really hard for me.

Ugh I'm so sorry, people just get all stupid and say the stupidest things because they don't get it I haven't tried that one but did try the adoption one from a "friend" and it was super annoying. I think people are unfortunately so uneducated about infertility which is unreal when you consider how many suffer from this. I always thought there should be a TV program series on it, maybe even with interviews with infertile couples talking about their experiences, so the public can get educated. I try to educate people but it can be difficult as some just refuse to understand (my Ils are some of those people). So sorry you even had people being negative, that can be just as annoying as people trying to be positive and be all "think positive" and "just keep trying."

You always have the ladies on BnB to talk to, I found it very helpful to connect on here with others going through infertility and fertility treatments, it made me feel less alone

 

[sarah2211]

Thank you so very much to all of you. It was really helpful to hear all of your good and not so good experiences. It's left me with lots to think about and discuss with DH.

I have told 2 friends about our difficulties, only because they both are struggling with infertility. Yesterday, one of the told me that she's pregnant. Previously she complained about how difficult it was for them. But then she told me yesterday that they weren't even trying back then and she fell pregnant on her first cycle off BCP. So I'm feeling like I wish I hadn't told her. All very weird.

Anyway, we had our fertility specialist appointment and I'm not ovulating. DH is all fine and the problem is with me. So I'm currently taking provera and I'll start clomid next cycle. That's added another element I my head. Even though it's both of us struggling, it's me that's causing the problem. I feel like if I need to tell someone, get it off my chest etc, it's my news to tell, even though it involves the both of us.

Kat, I live in New Zealand and just a few months ago there was a documentary here on tv called 'Inconceivables'. It was amazing and followed 8 couples going through fertility treatments. Most of them were doing IVF which feels like it's a long way off for us, but it was really great that it was on tv and out in the public.

 

[KatO79]

Wow that's really weird about the one friend But glad you still have 1 friend that understands what you're going through and can be part of your support network

FXed for you! And please don't blame yourself. I know I did to a certain degree even though we were "diagnosed" unexplained infertility because signs point mostly to it being an unknown problem with me. But like my DH told me, even if that's true, I didn't choose to have this issue and I didn't do anything to create the problem, it's just a dumb biological things so it's not my fault.

Wow that program sounds great! I don't think they've ever shown it here in Denmark although they really should since most here don't have very much understanding for infertility. I think the closest thing they did was show a 1 hour program where they interviewed a (in this country) well known fertility doctor at a big hospital and talked to 2-3 couples that went through infertility (although I think one couple was borderline as they did conceive within 1 year). But it wasn't very detailed and didn't give enough on the actual feelings infertiles go through although the doctor did say some really good things.

Anyway I wish you all the best and really hope that this helps you get your BFP

 

[BronteForever]

Sarah - I agree that you shouldn't blaim yourself but it's so hard not too. All our issues are on my end as well and it does add more emotions to it. So I agree you might need to tell your husband you need to tell people for support. You are not burdening people by doing that. That's what friends and family are for.

Glad you have one friend that understands. That helps!

 

[sarah2211]

Thanks. My friend hasn't actually started trying yet but has severe endo and has been told that she will struggle. So it's quite nice to know that she isn't going to spring the "I'm pregnant" on me but she also doesn't know the ins and outs of TTC yet either.

I'm trying not to blame myself, but of course it's hard not too. But I wouldnt expect DH to apologise for morning sickness because he got me pregnant. He's in the military so goes away from time to time, I don't expect him to apologise for that either. So I'm trying to remind myself I don't need to say sorry. I'm the one who will bare the brunt of this by going through the tests and treatment anyway.

The TV programme was awesome. The couples were very up front and it was really informative. Most of the couples were doing IUI and IVF, which feels like a long way from where we are (well I hope) so it didn't feel like we could relate fully. It a great series though.

I will talk to DH again about telling people if I feel I need more support. I'm still feeling really positive that our FS is onboard and we have Clomid to try. I'm not sure how he'll take it if I say I'm the one with the problem and I feel like I need to share it. He'll say we are both in this together.

 

[KatO79]

You definitely don't have anything to say sorry for! It's not like you actively did anything to cause your infertility. You just unfortunately ended up with a biological issue. That's like apologising for getting cancer or another disease. It's all beyond your control!

Yeah I'll definitely have to see if I can get a hold of that program as I'd like to see it.

And definitely talk to your DH about finding people to talk to. I still say your brother-in-law and his wife sound like a great place to start. Otherwise maybe you can find an infertility support group? As to telling others, I don't think you should say it looks like you may be the one with the issue. It may lead to anyone without much understanding of infertility making you feel more guilty. I'd just say that you and your DH aren't willing to disclose it and that you see the reason for your infertility as a common problem between the 2 of you. I'd at most only tell those that have an understanding of infertility and have been there themselves, everyone else I wouldn't tell them who's "fault" it is as I wouldn't want anyone trying to make me feel bad or guilty, especially as most are coming from a place of ignorance.

 

[sarah2211]

Kat you're right. I definitely didn't ask for this and would do anything for it not to be the case. I don't think DH expects or wants me to apologise for this, but I can't help but feel like it's my fault.

This is the TV show, but it'll probably block you because you don't live in New Zealand - https://www.tvnz.co.nz/ondemand/inconceivable but you might be able to get around it by blocking your IP address or something?

DH and I were talking about how we were trying to take our mind off TTC a little until Clomid, but it's hard for me. It's all I think about. Plus it's all around me with my job and friends.

My brother in law and his wife live a few hours away and we agreed we wanted to do it face to face. I think if we talked to my BIL and his wife then we'd explain that it's me not ovulating. His wife has PCOS and doesn't O either. And when I mean telling people, I don't mean telling the whole world, just 1 or 2 people, like our Mums. I think we'd carefully select the people we want to tell and I'd be comfortable saying that my DH's results are all normal but I'm not ovulating. I know you can't control people's responses, but if my Mum wasn't being polite about it, I'd tell her to pull her head in! Ha

There unfortunately doesn't seem to be an infertility support group in our small city either.

 

[Mrs. Atole]

Hi :wave:
Men have a lot of pride and they are very private creatures, we as women want to share our feelings and thoughts while men like to keep it in, sometimes it's better to keep things to yourself and sometimes it's nice to share, in this case you and dh need to come to an agreement, if you cannot i would just go with what hubby says after all it is your guys business. Good luck !!!

 

[sarah2211]

Thanks Mrs Atole,

We had a good chat tonight. When the opportunity arises we are going to tell his mother. We also talked about how I'm the 'problem' and it's somewhat more my news than his, even though we are both in this together. He said if I need to tell someone and it comes up in conversation then that's ok but to let him know. I said I didn't want to go and tell everyone we know, but we agreed a problem shared it a problem halved. We also talked about when we do get our BFP and get past the 1st trimester we might share with people that we needed some help to get there.

DH has had a few people ask him about when we are going to start trying and he's felt awkward about 'lying' when he says 'it'll happen at some point'.

Long story short, he's coming around to us sharing this information with a very select few, which is what I was wanting.

 

[sarah1980]

My hubby is exactly the same! I have PCOS and don't ovulate so we've not long stated on provera and Clomid like you. Our DS is now 5 years old and we've been TTC another child for 3.5 years and my MIL is forever going on about us having another, it's really upsetting as I know she wouldn't say it if she knew what was really going on but he just refuses to tell anyone. I agree with other posters about keeping it to just a few people that know what's going on. I've only told my sister and friend and it's awkward enough that they both know when it's time for me and DH to DTD take a test etc! Best of luck to you.xx

 

[sarah2211]

DH came out with this last night, "I'm not really worried if anyone in either of families know"......

We told his eldest sister last night. She's a midwife and knew we were trying anyway and knew about the early loss. Her response, "that's so exciting!". I think she meant about clomid.

It felt really strange saying it out loud to someone other than DH and the doctors.