Did I do the right thing?

[FJL]

Today one of my best friends emailed me to tell me that she misscarried for the 2nd time at 11 weeks. Last time was 5 months ago at 13 weeks. She had the D&C yesterday.

I emailed her my condolenses and regrets but just felt the need to ring her and tell her how very sorry I am and that i'm always here for her.

The phone rung for ages and when she answered she was crying. She thought I may have been the Dr and was the only reason she answered - she wasn't taking calls from anyone. I asked if she wanted me to call back another time but she said no.

Now, I have never been through a MC, so I don't know exactly how she feels, I can only imagine.

I just told her how unfair it was, how sorry I was and that I will do anything for her if she needs me to. She started talking about it all and I just listened. I feel it is wrong at such a time to try and pump her up with positive comments because I don't think its possible to be pumped up when you're that depressed, lost and sad.

We ended up speaking for over 2hrs. She just kept talking and talking about it all and we both had a big bitch about how unfair everything is, and the type of insensitive people out there. She emailed another good friend and told her and her friends reply was 'I guess this isn't the best time to tell you that i'm 6 weeks pregnant' what a BITCH!

I've ALWAYS been able to make my friends laugh and I was thrilled that I was able to make her laugh several times!

She thanked me for calling at the end saying that I made her feel much better.

So is there anything else I can do for her? Send flowers, call her in a few days??? We only live an hour away from each other and we're meeting half way next week. She said that all she wants to do is drown her sorrrows in McDonalds, so I told her when we meet, it will be at MD, we'll grab all we want, go to a park, sit down and eat and talk with no time limits!

If there are any suggestions from those of you who have had the horrible experience of MC, please let me know. I hate to see a good friend in so much pain....I just wish I could take it all away.

She is undergoing tests next month.

 

[shimmyshimmy]

You sound like a wonderful friend, and you did the right thing.
Do not worry.
You were very understanding, and you listened, and that is all you can do right now.

 

[shamrockgirl4]

yes ur a good friend u listened which is what she needed and she felt comfy talking to u about it which is also good i cant believe how unsensitive her other friend was though

 

[Mynxie]

you were a good friend to her sweetie, tbh I'm sat here in tears, no one was here for me like that when I lost either of my little ones, the closest I had was here. Spend time with her. Be there for her. Listen to her. Maybe send her some flowers if you want to a few days after meeting with her? Say something on the card like "thinking of you" or just "to a dear friend" if you want to. Just let her know that you're there for her. xx and I agree, her other friend should've kept her mouth shut for a while. I was devistated when my niece told me she was pregnant, just cause it seemed so unfair, I'm happy for her, but it was like life was rubbing our loss in our faces.

 

[Alison]

I think you've been wonderful and your friend evidently felt better speaking to you. You can't control what other people tell her but you can be there for her. I received two bouquets of flowers last week when I was at my lowest. Both cards just said 'Thinking of you'. I cried when they arrived as I was so very touched. Everyone's different but I think people just need to know that you are there and honesty is the best policy. Even if you ring your friend and ask her if she wants to talk and tell her it's OK if she doesn't, she'll know you're there for her whatever she decides to do. A good friend feels able to say they don't want to speak and will know no offence is taken. x

 

[RachiePachie]

I think the best thing to do is just to let your friend know you are there for her. That is the most important thing imo.

Her other friend (who I wouldn't call a friend) was a bit callous in saying what she said and again imo I think she should have waited until she hit the 12 week mark by which time your friend would have healed a little more.

Be supportive to your friend and listen to her when she needs you to listen!

 

[poppy]

You were lovely to her. She probably just wanted to talk and get her feelings out. You did the right thing definately.

 

[faith_may]

You were a good friend and you did the right thing

 

[FJL]

Thanks guys

I just wanted to make sure because I don't want to do or say anything wrong.

Thankyou for your advice and reassurance.

 

[NeyNey]

What a wonderful friend you are!!
There's not a lot more you can do, you sound as though you were a huge help when she needed it. Basically it comes down to a time of acceptance. It's like with anyone going through grief, it comes in stages. But just being an ear and a shoulder when she needs it does so many great things!

 

[Hope22]

I have so much respect for you - you did EXACTLY what I would have wanted my friend to do if I was in her shoes. I've had a MC, and I can tell you that your actions helped even more than you know. So many people want to offer advice or say idiotic things like "well, it's for the best" or "you can have another one", which doesn't help at all and just makes the person who is going through hell feel even worse. I know how those things made me feel - why can't people understand that it hurts to lose an unborn baby just as much as it hurts to lose any other loved one? Insensitivity abounds when it comes to MC IME.

If you talked on the phone for two hours I can tell you she needed that call very badly (though she didn't know it) and did such a good thing by giving her the support she needed. You're letting her talk it out, which is an important part of the grieving process, and now she knows you're there for her whenever she needs you. You're being the best friend anyone could ask for - you're loving her, supporting her, and listening.

 

[Wobbles]

What a lovely friend you are FJL. I hope your friend is feeling a bit better within her self ? Just offering to listen is the best thing you can do and when people seem to care for 5 minutes you know because you can tell they want off the phone and you worry people will get pissed off and bored at you just wanting to TALK ... bet she felt much better after that. Well done you

She emailed another good friend and told her and her friends reply was 'I guess this isn't the best time to tell you that i'm 6 weeks pregnant' what a BITCH!

What a TOTAL BITCH! That is discusting! I do hope yoru friend realises when calmer if not already that this person is no bloody friend!