Didn't know, and left alone.

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by wanderingmind, May 31, 2011.

  1. wanderingmind

    wanderingmind New Member

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    I'm 23. I was in a long distance relationship for 4 years, and we were engaged to be married. Last time I went to see him was a few months ago. I'm on the pill, and that was all the protection we used, but I guess with the way my hormones are, it wasn't enough. I was pregnant and didn't know it.

    After a lot of fighting, we broke up. I ended it when I hit the breaking point, and cause he was screwing someone else, despite me saying it would hurt me. I spent several weeks barely eating or sleeping. It occurred to me at some point after I'd hit 3 months without a period, (I've gone two before, and had 2 in one month, so I hadn't worried up to that point.) I took a test, the first was a faint positive, but a day or two later I took two more that were negative, I thought I was fine. Week or two later, I get what I think is my period... only it wasn't. I miscarried. I didn't even know I'd been pregnant. I don't have insurance until next month, and refused much of what is offered... to be honest I don't want to know when it died. Because I think I know. I did the math off what they did tell me, and it's likely it died while I was so stressed out I couldn't eat, sleep, or function properly. I'm afraid I killed it.

    And then I did the stupid thing and told my ex what happened. It was a mistake, because he ended up making it about himself, and then later him and his new girl accused me of making it up, I don't know to what end, or what I would gain from something like that, he said to make them fight... I don't know. I do know that out of anger I told him I'm glad it died. Which was mostly not true... but there's a part of me, (that just thinking about makes me want to die) that is glad. Because I'm not in a situation to take care of and provide for a child, and he's turned out to be this selfish person... that I wouldn't even put pass him using the child as a way to control me. Because I said this, they've told me that they're glad too, because if it really happened, I'd be a nut job of a mom.

    I've always wanted to be a mom. People that know me joke that I mom everyone, including my younger brothers and friends, and I just love kids and babies. But I know at the same time, I'd have no way to support it. Sometimes I want to die. I want to punish myself. I want to suffer for even the chance of me being the reason the baby died. Other times I'm a little glad, (usually when angry at how he hurt me) because I don't know how I could give it everything it deserves. Most of the time I'm just sad. Part of me is still in denial too, until I can get a full exam next month. I mostly just feel horribly guilty, and don't know what to do. I still am not over our breakup either. I'm still in love with him, and wish we were talking, no matter how much of a jerk he's been, or how nasty he's been to me. I want him back. And I feel like he's the only one that could help me get over this pain of miscarrying... I want him to tell me it's not my fault, because I'd believe it from him, but I think he thinks it is my fault from what he's said...

    --

    I am just really confused about how I should be feeling I guess. My mom says that I'm dealing with two losses, and that's okay, and keeps pushing me to see a counselor and wants me back on medications again. (I've battled depression on and off for years), but I worked hard to get to a good place on my own... which seems for nothing now, because I'm right back to where I fought to get out of.
     
  2. aviolet

    aviolet Mommy of 1 angel

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    Hi and welcome :hugs: I am very sorry for your loss. Your mom is right - you are dealing with 2 losses, which means you have twice as many emotions to handle and a counselor would be helpful, however not necessary if you feel you can work through these emotions.

    First thing in order to do that is to be self aware - you are very self aware. I can relate with a lot of what you said, although my story is different. I was pregnant and wasn't with the father, when I found out about it he had a girlfriend and i knew telling him could mean him thinking I wanted something from him. I waited, and then I miscarried, and even to tell him that much was hard, but i felt it was important for him to know. He went into denial about it, and it was extremely difficult because just like you i felt HE was the one I needed to help me through the loss. because it was HIS loss too....

    if You can find a friend of the male persuasion it may help a little... but I know it's hard.

    I want to reassure you that YOU DID NOT kill that baby inside of you. Babies who pass on early do so for a lot of reasons that we don't know, but our loss is actually nature's way of helping - as odd as that is to say - your body knows when something isn't right with the baby, and when the little one passes away it's a sign that they had very extreme health/developmental problems. Stress hasn't been proven to do anything to the little seed that was growing in your womb, and though you may have had little sleep and not much nourishment, do not blame yourself. It wasn't this that caused the baby's death.

    Another thing, it's okay to be relieved. --reread that sentence, and believe it. your relief isn't coming from a selfish place. it's coming from a place of knowing your baby is better suited for heaven.

    When i miscarried i felt a lot of guilt over feeling a lot of relief. but fact is, like you, I wasn't ready. And for the baby's sake it was better she was in heaven. I know I could have made due, but not on my own. I would've had to have a lot of help from my family and i wouldn't be able to financially support myself and a child. Her father probably would have denied her and i'd have to go through a lot of legal battles and it could've got real messy.

    But being a single mom-to-an-angel isn't a cake walk either. I genuinely love that baby, and I genuinely miss her. I know she's better off in heaven with the Lord, but I know I would've been a great mom to her here too. And it took me a full year of grief to find peace. during the month of her birthday/1 yr anniversary I contacted the father to ask him to remember her with me in spirit, and that i wanted nothing else from him but this in order to find peace and know our child is remembered. Maybe he finally was at peace about it himself, or maybe he just knew how much i needed it, but he agreed with me. Maybe what needs to happen for you and your ex-bf is time and space. I know it won't come easy especially when you still love him. but the only way to prove to him that this wasn't a scheme or a plot to make him and his new gf argue is to stand aside and find a way to cope without him.

    DO NOT punish yourself for what is not your fault. Again, you didn't cause this baby's death. Logic defies you being at fault, try to get your heart to feel guilt-free as well.

    My baby came to teach me a lot of things... and one of those was a new kind of love - patient and maternal, an inner strength, and an appreciation for the fragility of life. Look inside your heart and find out what it is your baby came to teach you. :hugs:
     
  3. wanderingmind

    wanderingmind New Member

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    Thank you so much. Reading this, and going back and reading the myth topic made me cry, but I think it helps. I'll just keep rereading it until I get it.

    But especially about the guilt. Everything his new girl said got to me, as they were both really nasty. She said she knows cause she had a miscarriage, and you don't feel like that... but, I do. I feel it's selfish to bring a child into the world without a way to support it and give it all it needs, but if it happens, you do everything you can... Part of me agrees that it is not wrong to feel this way, but it just feels horrible to think so.

    I keep looking back and thinking, oh these signs should of told me I was pregnant, and that knowing would of made a difference. (or that little voice that things, if I knew, maybe he wouldn't of went for someone else, but... I also think I know better, because if he didn't care enough about me to not sleep with someone else, I doubt having a baby together would of made that much of a difference...) But most of the symptoms I did have, are common for me, and I just kept thinking, oh it'll come in a while.

    I'm just trying to take life a step at a time right now. I don't know what else to do. I feel like both things are a call to me to start pushing more to get my life going. I've been working since I was in high school, but I let things have me drop going to college, and then when we were together, all my money was going towards trips to see each other. (He was ill and didn't work). I hope I can learn. I want to be a really great mom when the time comes to have a second chance.
     
  4. aviolet

    aviolet Mommy of 1 angel

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    You're welcome :hugs:
    I think it shows a lot of maturity on your part to recognize what state you're in and like you say it's just better to wait until you KNOW you can support that baby even though if it happened accidentally tomorrow you would do everything you could to make the best of it. So yes please keep reminding yourself that it is okay and you don't need to feel guilty. the guilt stayed with me for a while, months. And if I thought too long about it I'd probably still feel it - but as long as you KNOW you don't need to feel guilty, it'll help you get you to the next step in your journey through grief. I know when the time is right - and when the guy is right - you will have a wonderful family and be a great mom.

    I know what you mean about thinking maybe he would have thought differently knowing you were pregnant, but you're right, he didn't care enough not to sleep around, so chances of him being an A+ father wouldn't have been promising.

    I remember one of my best friends was trying to make me feel better one night. and he was saying all the wrong things, lol. Like "it's for the best" and "you're young you have a lot of time yet to have kids" etc. (i was 23 too, this was Nov 09) which is all very true - but totally irrelevant to how I was feeling and not helpful, lol. But then he said, "he wasn't meant to be the guy you have kids with." and for some reason hearing him say that touched me so deep. the thought that something better was out there... I can't put it into words but it helped take a weight off me. Of course at the end of the day Justice is still her father's baby too, but it's up to him to remember her, which I think he will. I know you still love your ex, so it makes it that much harder, but try to trust that this guy just wasn't the right man. And his new girl sounds like a trip to be judging how you feel.

    I think it's great that you're able to go back to getting your life in order one step at a time, and that you don't have to spend money on long distance traveling anymore, it frees things up for you to make your life however you want it. And I know you will learn and take great lessons from this, your baby is with you in your heart, around you in spirit, so let yourself grieve and the roller coaster of emotions begin. Along with the guilt may come guilt for feeling happy - but those days when you feel like "you" again and the times when you smile and feel joy, don't feel bad for it, embrace it, because you have a good heart and what baby wouldn't want their mommy to be happy? So smile and know that it's okay, cry and know it's ok, and even be angry and know that it's okay, I can tell you know how to balance these emotions healthily and you'll get through this.

    :hugs:
     

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