I'm 23. I was in a long distance relationship for 4 years, and we were engaged to be married. Last time I went to see him was a few months ago. I'm on the pill, and that was all the protection we used, but I guess with the way my hormones are, it wasn't enough. I was pregnant and didn't know it. After a lot of fighting, we broke up. I ended it when I hit the breaking point, and cause he was screwing someone else, despite me saying it would hurt me. I spent several weeks barely eating or sleeping. It occurred to me at some point after I'd hit 3 months without a period, (I've gone two before, and had 2 in one month, so I hadn't worried up to that point.) I took a test, the first was a faint positive, but a day or two later I took two more that were negative, I thought I was fine. Week or two later, I get what I think is my period... only it wasn't. I miscarried. I didn't even know I'd been pregnant. I don't have insurance until next month, and refused much of what is offered... to be honest I don't want to know when it died. Because I think I know. I did the math off what they did tell me, and it's likely it died while I was so stressed out I couldn't eat, sleep, or function properly. I'm afraid I killed it. And then I did the stupid thing and told my ex what happened. It was a mistake, because he ended up making it about himself, and then later him and his new girl accused me of making it up, I don't know to what end, or what I would gain from something like that, he said to make them fight... I don't know. I do know that out of anger I told him I'm glad it died. Which was mostly not true... but there's a part of me, (that just thinking about makes me want to die) that is glad. Because I'm not in a situation to take care of and provide for a child, and he's turned out to be this selfish person... that I wouldn't even put pass him using the child as a way to control me. Because I said this, they've told me that they're glad too, because if it really happened, I'd be a nut job of a mom. I've always wanted to be a mom. People that know me joke that I mom everyone, including my younger brothers and friends, and I just love kids and babies. But I know at the same time, I'd have no way to support it. Sometimes I want to die. I want to punish myself. I want to suffer for even the chance of me being the reason the baby died. Other times I'm a little glad, (usually when angry at how he hurt me) because I don't know how I could give it everything it deserves. Most of the time I'm just sad. Part of me is still in denial too, until I can get a full exam next month. I mostly just feel horribly guilty, and don't know what to do. I still am not over our breakup either. I'm still in love with him, and wish we were talking, no matter how much of a jerk he's been, or how nasty he's been to me. I want him back. And I feel like he's the only one that could help me get over this pain of miscarrying... I want him to tell me it's not my fault, because I'd believe it from him, but I think he thinks it is my fault from what he's said... -- I am just really confused about how I should be feeling I guess. My mom says that I'm dealing with two losses, and that's okay, and keeps pushing me to see a counselor and wants me back on medications again. (I've battled depression on and off for years), but I worked hard to get to a good place on my own... which seems for nothing now, because I'm right back to where I fought to get out of.