Different parenting styles

[citrusfruit]

Wonder if anyone can relate or help. My husband and I have a 2 year old and are expecting another baby. Becoming a threesome has not been an easy road for us. We were raised very differently and have very different ideas on how to discipline, although our end goal is basically the same.

In a nutshell, I think my husband is too hard and expects too much of our son and he thinks I am too soft and pander to him. We have tried to discuss this and compromise but my personality means I am quite controlling and I find it difficult to see his point of view. He has basically shut down as sees any conversations about it as pointless as it is just me trying to get him to see my view. He is not going to change and become softer and I cannot get cross at my son. Must add here that I do discipline e.g. by setting limits and not giving in to tantrums etc, I just do it calmly and without a temper. I'm a big believer in gentle parenting and he is not.

How do we navigate this without getting a divorce or screwing up our child?? We don't argue in front of him but there have been some tense moments and the older he gets the more apparent this will get. I'm not looking for opinions on who is right as I genuinely think we both have faults but I don't think either of us can change and I want to embrace our differences as healthily as possible. Any advice gratefully received.

 

[petite ping]

I think that you need to accept that your OH has a different parenting style and allow him to parent unless you wish to become the sole reference as a parent and that your OH basically backs out of all parenting decisions.

You'll find that most of your arguments will be about the kids and if neither of you are willing to listen - you will be arguing more and more. The only way to avoid it is that you need to be willing to compromise and sometimes step back and you may find that your OH will be willing to compromise too.

When my OH disciplines my DDs I do not interfere whether I agree or not. If I don't agree - we talk afterwards. As you say "the end goal is the same". There is no one parenting method that is correct. There will be times where a softer approach is more appropriate and other times you need to be stricter. At two my DDs were really calm but at 3 we went through (and are still going through) long periods of threenager behaviour where they would listen to nothing and nobody.

I consider myself a cool mom, my OH is stricter but he was much tougher before. However we agreed quite early on what we consider unacceptable behaviour and levels of punishment. It didn't happen in one go and evolved over time - I do admit that we became stricter when DD2 arrived whilst we were more cool when there was just DD1 and less potential for conflict.

- Talking back or swear words (a gentle reprimand in the beginning and a reminder that it's not a good way to talk or a good word to use. However I do warn them that it's directly to the naughty step if they repeat it)

- Violence - directly to the naughty step and an apology and a hug to the "victim".

- Fighting - no questions asked - confiscation of object

- Tantrum - a warning and then directly to a corner no matter where we are - unless there are mitigating circumstances (tired, ill etc..)

- Dangerous behaviour - A long long long long lecture and a long stay on the naughty step.

 

[itsnowmyturn]

Me and my partner have slightly differing parenting styles, I think that is completely normal, everyone has their own idea of how to parent. The only thing we do make sure is consistent is that no matter what we think of the way the other is doing something at the time we show a united front and only discuss it later or find another way around it. For instance if oh has had a bad day and his patience is wearing thin and I think he's been a little bit harsh like taking something off her for something very minor (such as no pudding) I will stick by him and say you shouldn't be doing xyz but then I will find a way to let her still get her pudding like saying I'm sure if u do some tidying up and say sorry to daddy that he might let u have your pudding. That is sort of our code way or saying I think your not being very fair (he does the same with me) and it usually works.

 

[citrusfruit]

Thank you for your replies. We do try to compromise and have discussed many times but we don't really get anywhere. We absolutely do avoid discussing it in front of our DS though and I do try not to contradict him or undermine him. I also agree that this is really important.

I guess our children will just learn that mummy reacts one way and daddy another? Is this so terrible? It's just hard to put up a united front sometimes. We do agree ground rules but OH doesn't always follow through with them which I find frustrating. Its interesting people talk about the strict and not so strict parent. I actually think I'm the stricter one, even though I try to never raise my voice unless DS is in danger. I am scarily consistent though!

 

[itsnowmyturn]

I think it's also a case of picking your battles with your kids. One day I might tell her off for something but another day I might let it go, might not show the best message but I sometimes think if I tell her off for everything then where is the fun in her life. For instance tonight she wanted to go to bed with her hat on, oh told her no and she got grumpy (overtired grumpy) I just told him to pick his battles, in the grand scheme of parenting does it really matter if she goes to bed wearing a hat?!
She has tried playing us off against each other on the odd occasion, I've told her off or told her no and she's straight away started crying and shouted daddy and told him mummy told me no, every time he asks me or her what I said no about and then agrees with me. The only time we break this united front rule is if one of us has already told her yes or promised her something and the other one didn't no and told her no, but we always make it clear that it's because we didn't no mummy/daddy didn't no the other had already agreed to it.

I think the one thing to always remember is that parenting isn't easy and we all have our limits to what we can be bothered to deal with on that day, if u try to micromanage your partner as parent your child you will burn yourself out, your partner may give up trying and leave u to make all the decisions and then u will get annoyed that u feel like your doing it alone and then it's a vicious circle from then

 

[Zephram]

You’ve got some really good advice on this thread. I just wanted to say, also, that you may find as your kids age that your parenting styles come closer together naturally. When DS1 was 2 and before we had DS2, OH and I had many more disagreements about parenting than we do now. I found him inconsistent and overly strict in some things and lax in others, and he found me overall too soft, but as we’ve gone through raising DS1 and now DS2 we’ve come to see what works and what doesn’t and we’ve both grown as parents and adjusted our parenting styles. DS1 just turned 5 and I just want to say that you need to remember that 2 is a really difficult age. We both found age 2-3 very hard with DS1, but we are both finding parenting our DS2 who is now 2, much easier. Not because he’s necessarily an easier child, but because we have the benefit of hind sight and we both have a better idea of what works and what doesn’t and what age appropriate behaviour looks like. So we argue less about how to discipline him. This has also bled over into disciplining DS1 - I’ve found OH has become softer over the last 5 years and is more likely to hug instead of yell, and I’ve learned to hold my ground where it’s really important, so we are much closer in style.

I 100% agree that you have to learn to pick your battles. Some things are not worth making an issue out of, even if they’re not 100% logical or correct. This goes with discipline for the kids and also what you raise with your OH about his parenting. It’s more important to be a united front than to be adversarial. So when he is parenting your child, you let him do it and you back him up in front of your daughter. If you really feel what he did in that moment was wrong, you bring it up with him later when you’re alone and calm. The main point is that he can’t learn as a parent if you always step in.

 

[WackyMumof2]

Both hubby and I were born in the early 80's so the way we were parented we parent ourselves - to a degree. We do spank BUT as a last resort when all other efforts have failed. While it didn't do anything to our egos growing up (except help us identify that our behaviour was NOT okay) we don't like doing it and get no satisfaction as a result. I tend to bargin with the kids and when all else fails, I yell but I was also left to raise 3 younger siblings from 10 upwards as Mum worked from 6am-6pm. It was actually a Case Worker I had so said that because Mum wasn't there, we acted as only kids do - with arguments. Children do not know how to reason and compromise and as a result, that has affected how I parent. But I am learning to follow through on treats as the result of bad behaviour. DS2 has already been pulled out of Karate and lucked out on swimming lessons as a direct result of his behaviour and he doesn't like it - even more so because his father has my back on this one. There father on the other hand, is very stern and very fair so when Dad says jump, they jump and do as they are told without an argument. Sometimes as parents we have to pick our battles and that is not always easy.

 

[citrusfruit]

Thanks so much everyone, I'm feeling much more positive. I really get what you are saying about the benefit of experience Zephram, I was dreading no2 as I thought it would only make everything harder but I can see what you mean about coming closer together. I do think I probably pick too many battles with OH and I am trying really hard to work on that. Thanks again everyone, it's really helped my mindset about everything.

 

[Scout]

No advice really, just wanted to say that my parents had very different parenting styles and can't say it had any affect on me. I think it's more important for each individual parent be consistent. For instance, my mom was very harsh, strict, over controlling and my dad was laid back, never spanked, gave more freedom. Even though their styles were very different, I knew how each of them would react to a situation and that made me feel safe. Hope that makes sense.

 

[agse01]

We have struggled with this as well over the years. I'd like to say that 14 years and 4 kids later we have it down, but we don't. There is always struggle. Much of what you are describing is how it has been in our house. What has helped me the most is to realize that my husband is not my enemy and he wants the same thing I do and wants the best for our kids. Another thing I have had to realize is that men are just wired differently then women. THey might not be as soft, gentle, and nurturing but that doesn't mean they don't love their kids with their whole hearts. It just means they relate differently to their kids. Our kids need both aspects of their mom and dad's care and personality. If you really look at it, spouses are to equal each other out. Often times where you have weakness, he has strength and vice versa. Our kids need all of it. I also had to stop being controlling and wanting things my way, thinking my way was the only way and the right way! Pride took over and at times nearly destroyed my marriage. I was always correcting my husband and nagging him to the point where he did not even want to interact with the kids as he was scared that I would beat him down. My kids also knew that mom and dad did not agree and learned to manipulate us which caused more tension. THey also saw mom step in all the time to "protect" them and it came to the point where they did not respect their dad anymore and would not listen to him...more tension created. As long as your husband is not abusing your children, embrace your differences. See what he has to offer as a blessing, not that he is harming your children. Sometimes kids need stern parenting, but also done in love. Be willing to give up control at times, and it seems like you are aware that you do control. THis situation can be turned around and it doesn't have to go downhill as far as it did in my own situation. Communication is also key! And I think the most important thing is is taking your own parents out of the equation. Yes, you both came from different backgrounds and parenting styles, but they don't have to be the driving force behind how you parent your own kids. Each of you bring negative and positive things from your background to bring to your parenting style, use the positives of each for your children's benefit and let go of the negative ones! Again, most importantly, see your husband as your ally, not your enemy! Best of luck to you!