Dilemma Announcing to Sister

[VJean]

I have a dilemma that I hope you ladies can help me with. I just found out that I am pregnant with baby number 5! My older children are from my previous marriage - DD - 18, DS -17, DS- 14. My husband and I have a DD that will be 1 next week. My issue is with my sis. She has 2 children from her previous marriage, but has been unable to have a baby with her new husband. They lost a baby at 18 weeks 2 years ago and it was devastating for her. She is 2 years older than me, so she will be 40 this summer. They are still trying but she knows her opportunity is shrinking.

So now I am pregnant again but we have not announced it yet. Her husband contacted me to surprise her with a plane ticket to come visit me in a few weeks. I would love to see her, but worry about how she will take the news of me being pregnant again. Do I tell her before she comes? Do I tell her husband before he buys the ticket and see if he thinks it will be an issue? Do I tell her while she is here? I just worry about ruining her trip. If I wait until after the trip I think she'd be mad I didn't tell her while she is here. We weren't planning on announcing the pregnancy for another month or two, but now I think I should probably tell her. I just don't know when....

So what would y'all do? No one in real life (except MIL/FIL) know I am pregnant, so I don't have anyone else to bounce this issue off of. TIA!

 

[MrsTorchwood]

That's tough. I'd probably tell her husband and see how he gauges it.

 

[kit10grl]

I would probably make sure she knew before she came. That way she can have time to have her own selfish and upset moment on her own and have time to get over it and be genuinely happy for you by the time she sees you. A lot of people on here in the past have gotten offended when telling people in your sisters situation about a pregnancy and been annoyed that the person wasn't congratulating them straight away. She will be happy for you of course but she will be sad for herself and its only fair to give her a bit of space to have her own feelings without her worrying if she is upsetting you.

This is how I would have wanted to find out. I had to find out my sister was accidentally pregnant when we had been TTCing for a long time with her right there. It was so hard to bite my lip and be supportive when I first found out as she told me without a care in the world even though she knew we were trying. I think its lovely you are being so considerate

 

[ChristiansMum]

I agree with MrsTorchwood and kit10grl. I would let her husband know first to basically give him the heads up then tell her before her trip so she has time to think about it plus if you tell her husband he will be able to support her but it is tough xx

 

[LoveCakes]

Definatley tell her before she comes, that way she can react her own way and get her head round it. I found it very hard hearing when our friends announced no2 just as it was looking hopeless for us and to be honest I had to put a bit of distance between us for a few weeks. It did pass though and I love her LO now.

 

[VJean]

Thanks ladies! I just found out her husband already purchased her plane ticket before I had a chance to give him a heads up. I have dr appointment on Tuesday, and if all goes well i can tell her after that and give her a few weeks to adjust. Otherwise, we didn't plan on announcing until late Jan/early Feb, so I we could stick to the original plan. I just feel like there is no right answer because either way she is going to be sad. She did distance herself with my dd and I completely understand how she feels. We were TTC together and she was very supportive during my two MC's, but it was hard for her when I got pg.

Is it bad if I don't say anything until we originally planned on announcing? That way she enjoys her trip? I am trying to surprise her by getting my mom to my house as well (we live in 3 separate states), and it'd be nice if it was just a relaxing girls weekend! I think even if I told her a few weeks before she came she'd still feel sad. I sure my 1year old running around will be hard enough on her.

Why does first tri have to be so hard?

 

[julesmw]

If you can hide it, maybe that would be the best option. It would keep you on your planned announcement time, and she wouldn't have to deal with any emotions during her visit. That's a hard call, though, because later she might be hurt you didn't confide. Ugh. Good luck!

 

[xjesx]

She's your sister. She is an aunt. She is going to be thrilled for you!

Tell her when she arrives.

 

[Starry Night]

I don't think it's as simple as the previous poster says. If TTC has been a painful journey for a person, it doesn't matter how much they love their pregnant friend/family member. The announcement is going to hurt and it's going to hurt HARD. My brother told me he was expecting just a few weeks after my second m/c in a row. On top of that, the baby was due right around the time mine would have been. I faked happiness in front of them but cried (and I mean CRIED) for days and days afterwards. I almost hated them for telling me when they did because, like your sister, we had flown down to visit and we were hoping to get away from all the craziness and sadness at home.

So, it may be a good idea to wait and let her just enjoy her time with you if you can hide your pregnancy. However, if you're going to wait to tell her then wait to tell EVERYONE otherwise she may feel hurt and excluded. I don't think people like to be reminded they're different or broken.

 

[xjesx]

For me it is that easy. I am a firm believer of let someone chose how they deal with a situation. And I am certainly not saying be blunt when you talk with your sister. Be prepared to cheer her up or just to listen to her.

My husband and I had a hard time conceiving and we went through some losses all while people who were not trying got blessed with some surprise babies.

I have sat through people who speak about not being able to imagine experiencing a loss.

All of that made me no less thrilled to hear about their pregnancies. When my friend who was also trying, who knew about my losses, sat me down and told me, I was so happy for her. Sure I was jealous and sad, but why should she not get to enjoy every bit of her pregnancy including telling me. I had so much respect for a person strong enough to sit with me and tell in person. It showed me how much they truly cared about my feelings and allowing me the choice to do with the information what I needed to do, instead of deciding for me that something so wonderful needed to be hid from me.

Of course, each personality is different, and each person has different strengths and different ways of dealing.