Do you worry about how to bring up your child?

[Neecee]

I do. Since finding out we are having a boy, my hubby and I have now started to think of all the ways we can buck the trend and make sure our boy is brought up right. So far, what with the media, musical influences and general violence going on, he has three things working against him:

1) He's male
2) He's black
3) He's in London (and South London of all places)

I didn't grow up in London but my hubby did. He was brought up by a single parent on a council estate in South London and his good-for-nothing dad was on and off the scene whenever he felt like it. My hubby has bucked the trend as far as stereotypes go. He's a respectable professional black man who has not turned to crime or violence and blamed it on his upbringing.

There are so many broken families around now and single parent families seem to be the trend, especially in inner cities. I have nothing against single parent families - my MIL did a wonderful job bringing up 3 kids on her own and I have lots of friends who are going it alone and doing a great job. I guess we're just worried that no matter how well we bring up our son, he still may succomb to outside influences and get in with the wrong crowd.

My answer is to run away. Run faaaaaar away from London, back to where I grew up and hope that my surroundings have a better influence on him, but my hubby keeps reminding me that it is not only nature, but nurture that affects people.

Kids nowadays are scary! You can't even tell them anything without the threat of being beaten up or stabbed. I just wondered does anyone else sit and think "How the hell am I gonna do this? How do we grow 'good fruit' and avoid the bad apples?"

 

[WelshGirl]

Hun,

Just by the very fact that you are concerned about all of this, I can tell you'll be a good mum.

In my job, I see so many families where the kids aren't so much brought up as 'dragged up'...if you know what i mean!! I think that Nurture will always win over Nature.

The influence from you & your OH will make your child a 'good fruit'......I truely believe that it doesn't matter where you bring him up, the fact he has 2 responsible, decent parents will make him into a good person.

xxx

 

[Neecee]

Hun,

Just by the very fact that you are concerned about all of this, I can tell you'll be a good mum.

In my job, I see so many families where the kids aren't so much brought up as 'dragged up'...if you know what i mean!! I think that Nurture will always win over Nature.

The influence from you & your OH will make your child a 'good fruit'......I truely believe that it doesn't matter where you bring him up, the fact he has 2 responsible, decent parents will make him into a good person.

xxx

Aww, thank you!

 

[Cariad_bach]

Hun,

Just by the very fact that you are concerned about all of this, I can tell you'll be a good mum.

xxx

Thats just what i was going to say.

Hun you never know what life with throw in the path of you and your family and all you can do is your best.

I will say that i moved away from a built up area (if you can class Derbyshire as built up lol) to somewhere much more quiet and rural when my first born was only 3 months because....well i just thought it would be in her best interests and so far its been fantastic,

But having said that i think good parents do a fantastic job know matter where they live xxxxx

 

[Neecee]

Hun,

Just by the very fact that you are concerned about all of this, I can tell you'll be a good mum.

xxx

Thats just what i was going to say.

Hun you never know what life with throw in the path of you and your family and all you can do is your best.

I will say that i moved away from a built up area (if you can class Derbyshire as built up lol) to somewhere much more quiet and rural when my first born was only 3 months because....well i just thought it would be in her best interests and so far its been fantastic,

But having said that i think good parents do a fantastic job know matter where they live xxxxx

See, that why I'd like to move out of London as where I grew up was more suburban. It wasn't out in the sticks, but there are a lot of nice open spaces, woods and lakes in the area. It's just a much nicer atmosphere to bring up children in.

 

[greenkat]

I can understand your concerns - I live in South London too. I've seen all the bad press and been around quite a lot of dodgy people in the area but I agree that you're already a good mum if you're aware of these things and try to steer him in the right direction.

I will be moving away in a year or so though - I want my LO to have a more rural upbringing like I had and nearer her grandparents.

 

[Vivanco]

I worried about this more this time with a son on the way than with my daughter....

1.) He is mixed race
2.) He is male
3.) We live in Nottingham - not doing too well here at the moment with gun and knife crime.

Sweetheart like otheres have said, just the fact that you are concerned shows how much of a good mother you are, OH and i decided with DD to involve her in as many activities as possible, sports music ect and to also make family time a nice time that both of our children will enjoy, hopefully even as they get older. All we can do is to hope and pray for our children, that is all we can do - along with doing the best job at parenting that we are able.

All the best sweetheart x

 

[PeanutBean]

I worry. I think both DH and I can be good parents but my parents were good and it didn't stop one of my brothers going seriously off the rails as a teenager. I think sometimes it is beyond a parents control, particularly as kids get older and are more under the influence of friends and social pressures than they are of their parents' wishes. I just hope that we will be able to give them enough moral understanding as they grow up that they will be able to exercise their own ideals and opinions in a safe way.

We aren't black and don't live in South London so won't have some of the specific pressures your baby might be facing Neecee. Though my career options get severely limited by it, nothing could persuade me to move to London, not for all the money in the world! In fact we want to run away to Scotland in the hope that our child will get a better deal. I think it's tough for all teens whatever their background. I sometimes wonder how I got through it all ok having gone to a shit school and been surrounded by knacker idiots masquerading as friends. I always tried to be as independent as I could and was more of an outcast than I would've liked as a consequence, but I think in the long run I've been much better for it.

 

[Dragonfly]

Well I do in a way from outside influences like other kids in school who arnt brought up right. But I would hope that mine has enough sence not to cop on to all this as home is where all this begins. Before I got pregnant I always said I wouldnt because of the way kids acted now a days but since watching them kids and their parents I can see where they went wrong. And thats not how me and my other half where brought up and sure as hell wont be going down that path of bad parenting. No one os perfect I except but trying to be is good enough.

The kids now scare me, I never seen kids like that when I was growing up and I dont consider myself as being old. They are being suspended from primary school now which is the first I have ever heard in my life! I dont even like the way they have this communication thing going on of bad grammar. My Oh 10 year old niece is starting to use it and I hit the roof! do they not teach spelling on schools anymore? why so they use the wrong words for things when they are so easy to spell and have no learning difficulty? No my kid wont speak like that. I will probably be assumed as being snobish and back dated but as I said it worked for me when i was growing up and all my siblings turned out fine and everyone I knew. There is something lacking in society today big time!
I be here all day going into it. I have also banned sports gear for my kid, no hoodies or trainers!

 

[mummymadness]

You are going to be a great Mum Neecee hun , And all you can do is try teach him your influence and hope he takes after his great parents .
I will openly admit i was Bad !!! Real bad .. I wont go in to details why , But to say i was a troublesome teenager would be an understatement .
I lived in a good area , Had 2 loving parents , Good education etc , But i still managed to find a small group of 4 or 5 rebels and get myself out of controll , Luckily i met my OH got married baught a house had kids etc and Have done real well for myself .
But iam an example of sometimes all you can do is teach well and educate on how things could turn out if they were to walk the wrong path of life .
Iam sure no matter where you live hun you will do great . x .

 

[mrs shine]

Living in a big city will have pressures that you won't necessarily experience living in a more rural area, the crime/gang culture being one of the bigger ones. However I believe the fact that as you are both already aware of the extra challenges you face as parents will make you better equipped to deal with them and plan for them, especially at a younger age when most of the 'groundwork' is done

I moved away from a big city a few years ago and now live in a rural small city. My LO is mixed race and I worry about the pressures of bringing up a mixed race child in a predominantly white area. My husband has faced so much difficulty because of his colour here and I do not want my children to experience the same pain and lack of opportunity, so I have considered moving back to a bigger city.

For now we will stay put and see what happens over the coming years when LO begins to become aware of his/her environment and then reconsider

I think its a good thing that you are already thinking of these things and shows that you're going to be dedicated and loving parents and that's what children need most

Sorry I don't have any answers but you are definitely not alone in having these worries x

 

[Neecee]

I moved away from a big city a few years ago and now live in a rural small city. My LO is mixed race and I worry about the pressures of bringing up a mixed race child in a predominantly white area. My husband has faced so much difficulty because of his colour here and I do not want my children to experience the same pain and lack of opportunity, so I have considered moving back to a bigger city.

I see where you're coming from there - the area where I grew up was/is predominantly white, but tbh, I had NEVER encountered any kind of racial tension until I moved to London. Hubby is from a predominantly black area of London, so he has concerns about fitting in in a predominantly white area. I'm not really bothered about black or white predominance (maybe I have blinkers on?), my concern is making sure our son has the best possible upbringing and opportunities, and given the current social climate here, I don't think that London is really the place to be.

 

[kiwimama]

I worry. I think both DH and I can be good parents but my parents were good and it didn't stop one of my brothers going seriously off the rails as a teenager. I think sometimes it is beyond a parents control, particularly as kids get older and are more under the influence of friends and social pressures than they are of their parents' wishes. I just hope that we will be able to give them enough moral understanding as they grow up that they will be able to exercise their own ideals and opinions in a safe way.

I agree with this as well - a nice family my OH & I know are currently dealing with their 17 yr old who has found the "wrong" type of friends who find it fun to tag, break into cars and other such criminal acts. He has not yet been arrested because he is underage but his dad is distraught about how to get him to pull his head in before he gets to 18 and gets arrested and charged. He thinks he took too long to nip it in the bud, although if I was in this situation I wouldn't quite know what to do (maybe boarding school??!) Being a parent, there is ALWAYS going to be things to worry about, all we can do is raise our kids to have strong moral values. It sounds like your baby boy will have a great father as a role model, so that is going to do so much to help him become a respectable man.

 

[Logiebear]

I have to say that nature and nuture do go hand in hand and the child personality does come into play alot. I know alot of people think you can change your child personality but it isn't always the case. My 11 yr old daughter went to a junior school which was filled was chavs and has developed an attitude because of it. Don't forget once the start school you are a small part of their lives from that point on. I don't blame the schools mind you I blame the other parents. There was a little black lad in her class that started fies and carried a pen knife. At 9 he was excluded for bring weed into school ffs. I don't live in an inner city area, quite far from it but we are not in a wealthy area and I feel money has a lot to do with it also. We are not wealthy but my kids have been taught self respect and repect for others. However her influences at school meant Keirra started to become very disprectful and rude. She is slowly getting worse at 11 and it driving my husband and I to dispair some days. She is in a different school now but her attitude is not getting any better, YET! I am hoping she will just grow out of this and not get too much worse. I know it's not the same as inner city areas with guns and knives but the lack of resoect is what is shaping our society today.

I believe if all our kids had repect for their elders, authority, each other and mostly them selves there wouldn't be so many teenagers with babies and so readily willing to kill or maim each other!

So I think you are on the right track and if I were you I would move out of London. If you have the means to do it then get out hun xxx

 

[Neecee]

So I think you are on the right track and if I were you I would move out of London. If you have the means to do it then get out hun xxx

I'm hoping we'll be able to! We just renewed our mortgage, so we're here for 2 more years, but if someone would like to slip me £250k, I'm off!!!!

 

[mrs shine]

I moved away from a big city a few years ago and now live in a rural small city. My LO is mixed race and I worry about the pressures of bringing up a mixed race child in a predominantly white area. My husband has faced so much difficulty because of his colour here and I do not want my children to experience the same pain and lack of opportunity, so I have considered moving back to a bigger city.

I see where you're coming from there - the area where I grew up was/is predominantly white, but tbh, I had NEVER encountered any kind of racial tension until I moved to London. Hubby is from a predominantly black area of London, so he has concerns about fitting in in a predominantly white area. I'm not really bothered about black or white predominance (maybe I have blinkers on?), my concern is making sure our son has the best possible upbringing and opportunities, and given the current social climate here, I don't think that London is really the place to be.

I definitely think there is a happy medium between the two places, I just seem to have moved a bit far out of the way. I'm with you on the predominance of one colour, it doesn't bother me or my husband either, as long as everyone treats each other well (me dreaming maybe!) I just want the best environment for my family
The issue down here is not direct racial tension, its more 'unseen' to those who don't experience it first hand. It manifests in not being able to get jobs and opportunities etc.

I agree that with what is currently happening in London it not probably the best place to be, not just for the bad influences but also just general safety of your loved ones.