P
Pandora11
Guest
It's DH bday soon and i've made plans to take him somewhere, but somewhere not too far away, so that we can have a good time and not leave the dog alone for too long(he barks and gets distressed if alone too long and we couldn't get a dog sitter). After we were going to come home and spend the rest of the day together(DH's choice since he's worked most of his bday's with me) have a nice meal and i was making these mocha soufflé pudding things he's asked for. Then the next day (sun) we were going to laze around and then do some tidying in the garden weather permitting which is what he'd like to do.
Well anyway, a few weeks ago MIL asked to visit. Long story short, they aren't close/have zero mother and son bond because of how rejected/unloved he felt growing up. We are nice to them, polite and see them every so couple months even though they act like he's an acquaintance rather than their son.
This year she wanted to visit a couple weeks ago and we gave her a date that would suit us as DH had to work from home that weekend. She also wanted to visit DH on his bday. DH didn't want to spend his bday with them because he didn't want it to be ruined by their behaviour, since every time we see them they make small talk/chat about his sibling or their dog and nothing more, and it always leaves DH saddened by the lack of interest they show in him and his/our life. The most recent visit i was out and thought it would be nice for them to have some alone time together which they've rarely had in years and it turned out DH spent most of the day in the kitchen trying to prevent MIL changing the meal he was cooking. She then cooked two things that she knew i can't stand the smell of (that make me retch) in my kitchen. MIL baked a cake in my kitchen, bringing all her own things flour etc and utensils for her, for something to do and FIL had brought with him his tablet, a stack of newspapers and his kindle and entertained himself for the entire afternoon. They showed no interest in him at all, so DH doesn't feel he's missing out if they don't visit. it's actually worse that he gets his hopes up and thinks each time will be different, but it's not.
Getting back to the point, we thought it would be better they visit another weekend in july. We also have things to do, me study, him doing volunteering job for a political thing and many things around the house/garden we've been planning to do and we hardly see each other on weekdays. He works late so the weekends are the only time we have to do things together.
Anyway, they moaned about our suggested date, tried to tell us a different date because they were going on hols and didn't want it to be close to that date, but it didn't work for us, so it was settled for July. Then DH gets a call about them coming on his bday
. after all we said. He explained we have plans and MIL basically said they were coming anyway. DH said we may not be in, MIL said they are coming by and possibly leave a present for him in our porch if we're not in. We could be in, i dunno when we'll be back. But DH doesn't want to have them here on his bday.
I feel aggravated and not taken seriously. They live 2hrs away, why drive all that way if we're not going to be in? Also, there's no way i'd leave the porch unlocked, but we especially don't want them rocking up and upsetting the dog. (it may seem dramatic, but it's such an issue) we live in a rented place and over the years had to replace various parts of the places we'd lived in that the dog had destroyed. he always would bark constantly(this has gotten a little better, but our neighbours here are in all day, and so are a little less patient). He also would be so distressed he'd be sick everywhere and it was heartbreaking seeing him in that state and having to pull splinters out of his gums from chewing on doors. It was a strain for our extra cash to go on repairs and a constant worry that we could be evicted via a noise complaint/or damage to the property, then what hope would we have had finding a new rented place with a dog? Anyway, the dog has got better over the years, but still we do things in a certain way to reduce his stress and make him more comfortable when left alone . This reduces his barking and he doesn't chew things/be sick any more and we want it to stay that way.
SO, them coming to our house when we're not in WILL upset him. He will recognise them, he will bark(as he does when they usually park in our drive) and he will be confused as to why they aren't coming in and effectively leaving him too. Then when they go on their merry way, the dog that was calm prior (from our way of leaving him) and distracted by his now empty treat toys, will be in a worse state than if we'd done nothing to comfort him at all. But they don't give a sh*t about our dog, never have.
So our choice is to cancel our plans and prevent dog from getting stressed and spending DHs bday with MIL and FIL, miss our plans together or go out and have a nice time and hope our dog will act differently(we know he wont) and risk them turning up and ruining DHs good mood/day anyway and being stressed about both things. What would you do?
.
Do you think it's ok for them to TELL us they are coming to our house, whether we are in or not, even though we've asked them (politely) numerous times not to?
Also, they have never shown interest in being with DH on his birthday in the last 6 years. nor his 21st where they didn't even bother to post a card/present while he was working and at uni and couldn't afford to travel back. It's not like his bday is a sentimental time for them since they usually ask what he wants and throws a chq/card his way like it's a business deal..
and our bdays are close together and we usually make a point of going out since we don't get much chance the rest of the year.
Despite our feelings, i find it all a bit odd.
thanks for reading.
sorry for the novel, it makes me annoyed when MIL upsets DH.
Well anyway, a few weeks ago MIL asked to visit. Long story short, they aren't close/have zero mother and son bond because of how rejected/unloved he felt growing up. We are nice to them, polite and see them every so couple months even though they act like he's an acquaintance rather than their son.
This year she wanted to visit a couple weeks ago and we gave her a date that would suit us as DH had to work from home that weekend. She also wanted to visit DH on his bday. DH didn't want to spend his bday with them because he didn't want it to be ruined by their behaviour, since every time we see them they make small talk/chat about his sibling or their dog and nothing more, and it always leaves DH saddened by the lack of interest they show in him and his/our life. The most recent visit i was out and thought it would be nice for them to have some alone time together which they've rarely had in years and it turned out DH spent most of the day in the kitchen trying to prevent MIL changing the meal he was cooking. She then cooked two things that she knew i can't stand the smell of (that make me retch) in my kitchen. MIL baked a cake in my kitchen, bringing all her own things flour etc and utensils for her, for something to do and FIL had brought with him his tablet, a stack of newspapers and his kindle and entertained himself for the entire afternoon. They showed no interest in him at all, so DH doesn't feel he's missing out if they don't visit. it's actually worse that he gets his hopes up and thinks each time will be different, but it's not.
Getting back to the point, we thought it would be better they visit another weekend in july. We also have things to do, me study, him doing volunteering job for a political thing and many things around the house/garden we've been planning to do and we hardly see each other on weekdays. He works late so the weekends are the only time we have to do things together.
Anyway, they moaned about our suggested date, tried to tell us a different date because they were going on hols and didn't want it to be close to that date, but it didn't work for us, so it was settled for July. Then DH gets a call about them coming on his bday
. after all we said. He explained we have plans and MIL basically said they were coming anyway. DH said we may not be in, MIL said they are coming by and possibly leave a present for him in our porch if we're not in. We could be in, i dunno when we'll be back. But DH doesn't want to have them here on his bday.I feel aggravated and not taken seriously. They live 2hrs away, why drive all that way if we're not going to be in? Also, there's no way i'd leave the porch unlocked, but we especially don't want them rocking up and upsetting the dog. (it may seem dramatic, but it's such an issue) we live in a rented place and over the years had to replace various parts of the places we'd lived in that the dog had destroyed. he always would bark constantly(this has gotten a little better, but our neighbours here are in all day, and so are a little less patient). He also would be so distressed he'd be sick everywhere and it was heartbreaking seeing him in that state and having to pull splinters out of his gums from chewing on doors. It was a strain for our extra cash to go on repairs and a constant worry that we could be evicted via a noise complaint/or damage to the property, then what hope would we have had finding a new rented place with a dog? Anyway, the dog has got better over the years, but still we do things in a certain way to reduce his stress and make him more comfortable when left alone . This reduces his barking and he doesn't chew things/be sick any more and we want it to stay that way.
SO, them coming to our house when we're not in WILL upset him. He will recognise them, he will bark(as he does when they usually park in our drive) and he will be confused as to why they aren't coming in and effectively leaving him too. Then when they go on their merry way, the dog that was calm prior (from our way of leaving him) and distracted by his now empty treat toys, will be in a worse state than if we'd done nothing to comfort him at all. But they don't give a sh*t about our dog, never have.
So our choice is to cancel our plans and prevent dog from getting stressed and spending DHs bday with MIL and FIL, miss our plans together or go out and have a nice time and hope our dog will act differently(we know he wont) and risk them turning up and ruining DHs good mood/day anyway and being stressed about both things. What would you do?
.
Do you think it's ok for them to TELL us they are coming to our house, whether we are in or not, even though we've asked them (politely) numerous times not to?
Also, they have never shown interest in being with DH on his birthday in the last 6 years. nor his 21st where they didn't even bother to post a card/present while he was working and at uni and couldn't afford to travel back. It's not like his bday is a sentimental time for them since they usually ask what he wants and throws a chq/card his way like it's a business deal..
and our bdays are close together and we usually make a point of going out since we don't get much chance the rest of the year.
Despite our feelings, i find it all a bit odd.
thanks for reading.
sorry for the novel, it makes me annoyed when MIL upsets DH.
