Does anyone else feel like there a single mom even tho there married?

[mybbyboo]

Just to introduce myself im Demi, im 19 and I just came over from first tri.
To start off me and my husband do not have a good relationship at all. He wont communicate, calls me names, is really destructive when hes angry, even tho hes never been physical.

Im pretty much waiting till i have this baby to get a job and get the hell away from him. Unless he completely changes. I dont see it tho. Hes been through alot in his life and i know he loves me i just think he has many demons inside that hes just not capable of being a good husband. And maybe even a good dad.

He loves our kids, even my oldest which isnt his. But i feel like i do everything and get no credit. Im pregnant with a 7 month old and 3 year old. He doesnt help at all. I could be doing 100 things and hes laying on the couch and the baby crys and tells me to get her! Then tells me im a shitty mom cuz i tell him to get her.

He works at from like 3 pm till Midnight as a cook then literally comes home and sleeps all day and just wants me to stay at home with the kids while he sleeps.

Idk what to do anymore, im just stuck until i have this baby.
Im so tired, i hurt my back really bad and am in constant pain and he will not help, or even just leave me alone and stop treating me so bad.
I guess this was more of a rant. I know i dont deserve to be treated so bad but i really have no other option.

 

[mum140381]

hugs hun sometimes marriage is hard and takes a lot of work i would sit down with him and have a good talk try to work out the way forward or you will just end up exhausting yourself xxx

 

[noon_child]

Does this life make him happy? If he is as miserable as you, maybe he'd consider counselling?

 

[mybbyboo]

Thank you for your replies. Hes miserable too i think. I would like to do counseling but we cant afford that right now. With him tho we have a huge fight and then he gets over it like 15 minutes later, and just expects me to be ok with that. I honestly dont see it changing. He was in jail when my daughter was born and promised me the world. Things were good for like a week when he got home then went straight back to how he really is. If jail couldnt change him idk what will.

 

[BethMaassen]

I am in a similar situation. Biggest difference is a I got a 14month old, and he doesn't work. (He is a Dutch Immigrant, and we cant get him a green card for a multitude of reasons)
He sleeps whenever he wants, and when he is not sleeping he is at his PC. He does nothing around the house, and whines and gets grumpy when I force him to do anything. He does NOTHING for our daughter... He on occasion changes her diaper when I am unavailable. He does not bathe her, feed her, make her food, clean her room,do her laundry, play with her. NOTHING... Just sits at his PC.... then complains about how he misses everything.. Like ALL her milestones... More recently, her taking her first unassisted steps. The only time he looks after her (and I don't even know how much of the time he is actually paying attention to her) is when I go to make dinner. And sometimes not even then.
She has been injured several times due to his laziness and him not paying any attention.
He also ignores me, fights with me, belittles me and my family.. THE ONLY reason I stay with him, is because he will LOSE everything... He gave up everything to come her and be with me... He did something illegal as well, which, if we divorce, he will be deported and thrown in jail... And despite it all, I just couldn't do that to him.... Though he is pushing his luck.....

 

[mybbyboo]

I am in a similar situation. Biggest difference is a I got a 14month old, and he doesn't work. (He is a Dutch Immigrant, and we cant get him a green card for a multitude of reasons)
He sleeps whenever he wants, and when he is not sleeping he is at his PC. He does nothing around the house, and whines and gets grumpy when I force him to do anything. He does NOTHING for our daughter... He on occasion changes her diaper when I am unavailable. He does not bathe her, feed her, make her food, clean her room,do her laundry, play with her. NOTHING... Just sits at his PC.... then complains about how he misses everything.. Like ALL her milestones... More recently, her taking her first unassisted steps. The only time he looks after her (and I don't even know how much of the time he is actually paying attention to her) is when I go to make dinner. And sometimes not even then.
She has been injured several times due to his laziness and him not paying any attention.
He also ignores me, fights with me, belittles me and my family.. THE ONLY reason I stay with him, is because he will LOSE everything... He gave up everything to come her and be with me... He did something illegal as well, which, if we divorce, he will be deported and thrown in jail... And despite it all, I just couldn't do that to him.... Though he is pushing his luck.....

so frustrating isnt it. Im terrified about taking care of 3 kids completely on my own. He makes me so upset and i cry and cry and he doesnt care, and then i get mad at myself for crying because i know its never going to change. Hopefully things look up for you ... And for me too.

 

[BethMaassen]

so frustrating isnt it. Im terrified about taking care of 3 kids completely on my own. He makes me so upset and i cry and cry and he doesnt care, and then i get mad at myself for crying because i know its never going to change. Hopefully things look up for you ... And for me too.

It is horrible. Yeah. I can totally understand. I vent to my friends and my mother and it is pointless, because they all tell me to leave him. And they are right. but I just can't do that to him. And I need to think of my babies first then myself. If that means moving on, then I think it is something I should do. but it is never that easy. He's never going to change, he is 45 and set in his ways. I too hope things look up for us both too.
I am not too worried about doing it on my own, because I have my family who will help out as much as possible. Besides, I am already doing it all on my own, the only thing that I would alone, (and our fridge would be fuller)

 

[noon_child]

Beth, you say you couldn't "do that to him" but that he is 45 yrs old. So he is a grown adult who you don't think should have to cope with the consequences of his own actions?

 

[BethMaassen]

Beth, you say you couldn't "do that to him" but that he is 45 yrs old. So he is a grown adult who you don't think should have to cope with the consequences of his own actions?

You are absolutely right. And I do agree completely. But it is more about me feeling guilty or feeling bad.. It's the same reason why I have saved my brother from being kicked out on many occasions. I would feel bad because he would have nowhere to go, no one to go to. Nothing. It is a bit complicated to explain.

 

[2have4kids]

My colleague was in this situation, she's asian and married an caucasian. He dated her while she was at home and saw her tending to her dad & brothers and explained to me that now she's had a baby with her husband she does the same for him - does all the laundry including his (ha - the day I start doing his is the day I move out), cooking, cleaning, and she holds down a great job as a flight attendant for Air Canada. My DH said IT sounds like he sussed out what kind of a 'bargain' he was going to get well before he married her. I think it's disgusting that men prey on women who seem to be people pleaders, who might come from a traditional background or simply expect the woman to be a slave.

2 years after she had the baby she gave all her maternity clothes away and told him she's never having a baby with him again. I was doing a happy dance for her inside myself when she told me this. They were at dinner, she said, and he laughed at her and said don't you think that's for both of us to decide? She laid into him about refusing to help her clean, cook, take care of LO, or pay for day care (her parents come over every Sunday to help her clean her house and provide free daycare for them). She still won't leave him but at least she has wised up to how he's using her.

If he doesn't contribute to your life in a positive way I think it's very wise to ask yourself - are you being used and if so why do you allow it to continue? My gf is terribly unhappy but she's a people pleaser and that guilt trip she puts on herself as a pp spoke about is more important to her than her own long term happiness. I don't think she feels she deserves any better and so she stays. I wish you the strength to get a job and get out of your predicament. You'll teach your children what it means to be strong, independant and strive for happiness. You've made the most important step in acknowledging that you want to live a better life and he won't provide that for you. Life is short, you deserve to be treated with respect (and your children deserve to be taught about self respect too). xx