Does anyone feel anger sometimes towards their other children...

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by fluffyblue, Dec 20, 2009.

  1. fluffyblue

    fluffyblue Loving being mommy

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    Hi there

    This is probably an awful post but as you know ive had a pretty traumatic year with 3 losses since May and this has resulted in my head being all over the place and my emotions in tatters, up one min down the next literally within minutes I can break down.

    I have a 16 year old son (17 in 3 months) and my relationship with him is in tatters too. There isnt a day go by when I dont get angry with him and we argue constantly, bearing in mind he has caused alot of issues this year, not with drinking etc just behaviour, attitude, quitting college etc.

    I really feel like i vent my anger on him, I shower my little girl with love and affection and she cant do a thing wrong in my eyes and even hubby and ben have commented on it however I just push my need for a baby ie the love of a young child back on her, its so hard to explain it to you.

    Sometimes I just wanna hug ben but I cant im finding it so hard, he is growing up so quick and I dont wanna lose him to the outside world before he knows how much I do love him. :cry:

    I just dont know what to do...

    I sometimes think having another baby will push our relationship even further apart but then again I think its the answer to give me back my needs and desires to be a mom again. :shrug: I just dont know :nope:
     
  2. debgreasby

    debgreasby Happy Mummy!

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    Unfortunately your son is at that horrible age. We've had a lot of issues with my eldest, he's 13. Fingers crossed he has been a lot better since we had the bad news about Charlie.

    I wish i had some words of wisdom for you. I think all you can do is follow your heart. I can tell how much having another baby means to you. I hope you get some answers soon.

    Hugs to you xxx
     
  3. shocker

    shocker Well-Known Member

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    Aww hun you need hugs :hugs::hugs: being a teenager is horrible and i speak as someone whos technically still one of them! I understand what you mean about taking your anger out on him, i live with my mum as my sisters have all moved out so its just the two of us.When either of us is angry or upset we take it out on each other, we know we shouldnt but the truth is when theres no one else around its hard not to project your anger on the one thats always there.You've been through so much this year and no doubt your under a lot of stress and hes not helping with his behaviour but truthfully teenagers are selfish by nature,we dont mean to hurt the ones we love but we do and more often than not we dont even realise.Its just part of growing up i guess.Its possible hes feeling a little left out, have you thought about maybe dedicating some time to him every few weeks to just stay in and watch a movie together or go to dinner or shopping? Ye just need to reconect i think, sorry i couldnt really be of help hope your doin ok xx :hugs:
     
  4. fluffyblue

    fluffyblue Loving being mommy

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    Aww thanks for that hun, I do understand the pressures of being a teenager in todays world there so much peer pressure etc. He doesnt help sometimes but then again maybe I shouldnt be so highly strung. I do suggest doing things together but he just shrugs and then thinks im upto summat but if I shove 20quid in his hand he is my best friend.

    Its a double edge sword sometimes with us !
     
  5. tiggerlix

    tiggerlix proud single mummy

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    hi fluffyblue.
    as you no im going thru this to..with a difficult teen.Alot of people say ground them stop privilages..but its so hard and doesnt work.Il be watching this thread for any advice hun..;).
    hope things get better for you soon..
    xx
     
  6. shocker

    shocker Well-Known Member

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    haha sounds like a typical teenager so! I dunno really, i like to think my mums a bit of a pro at this stage having had some very difficult teenagers herself. By the time she got to me (im the youngest) she seemed to have gotten the hang of it so i suppose maybe what she did with me might help? She always treated me like an adult, always let me make my own mistakes but stepped in if i didnt learn from them after the first time.If i did something wrong like drinking too much she'd sit me down tell me why it was wrong and then make it clear that if it happened again there would be consequences, so it was my one warning.If i feel down shes always there to listen but shes brutally honest in her opinions which at the time always annoys me but i end up thanking her for it later.She has never cared what i get in school grades wise so long as ive tried and always maintained that she wont be happy unless im doing something i enjoy and that i shouldnt settle for anything less.We get really annoyed with each other and one thing that i find paricularly fabulous about her is she admits when shes in the wrong, we've had arguments and not spoken and she'd come to me after a while and said im sorry i shouldnt have done/said that and sometimes i resist but i always forgive her and she always forgives me! One of the best things she likes to do when im in a bit of a mood is she'll make out we're doing something really boring like filling out forms or something but that i have to go and then she'll just wisk me off for a day out once shes gotten me in the car and it always cheers me up! Another thing is we go on day trips and spend 8 hours driving up and down, it gives us a nice chance to talk and catch up and she shares her old cds with me and i make her listen to mine so its a nice bit of bonding hehe. hope theres something in there that helps my minds a bit mushy at the moment lol
     
  7. BeanieBaby

    BeanieBaby Well-Known Member

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    So sorry to hear you're going through this. I have a 2 yr old and I would say the opposite that she's helped me through my mmc. However she is a lot younger and I still think of her as my baby, but I can imagine I would have also found it a lot harder if I had a teenager to deal with, so can imagine where you're coming from so don't worry!

    I also remember those yrs, i'm 30 now but when I was your son's age and even younger if I remember rightly I didn't have much discipline at home, none in fact and no rules, curfews or boundaries. This was unfortunately because my parents split up as my mum had lots of affairs and once my dad had finally had enough and left mum always had other priorities other than my sis and I. The reason I say this is because you said about grounding him etc. I found throughout school that the bad groups I got into and the rebel kids I sometimes hung around with were largely based around kids that had been set v. ridged curfews and boundaries and were grounded left right and centre (for good reason I believe!), they were rebelling against these rules. However, I was the opposite to a lot of them as I felt v. abandoned and unloved as a teen and was desperate for some attention, good or bad from my mum but whatever I did she really couldn't have cared less at the time. If I got in earlier than midnight even at 15 she would be like "Oh your home did you not have a good night?!!!" I was so v. jealous of my friends for being grounded for doing things wrong and used to argue with them all the time as used to try and tell them at least their parents loved them as they were trying to protect them. I wished so much to go home and be told I was grounded, but my mum couldn't wait to get me out of the house so she could see one of her boyfriends!

    I'm not sure what i'm trying to say here, its hard to put it into words. I do already worry about what approach we're going to use with our kids as they grow up. I think from my experience I would definitely set some clear rules and boundaries (as this is important for them to respect you) but also somehow let them have a little independance and space and just be there if they have any problems so they feel they can come to you. I guess they're less likely to if they feel you're gonna get mad and ground them, so I agree i'm not sure grounding too much is the right route for you as like you say you don't want to push him away.

    Does he know just what you've been going through and about your losses? If so i'm not surprised you think it could be coming between you as may be hard for him to understand your need for another child, but on the flipside he's at a v. difficult age so there's no point blaming yourself as no matter what you do I think unfortunately a lot of teens go through this stage, but come out the other side v. loving and respectable young adults. He'll probably look back on this yrs down the line and apologise for putting you through the extra stress whilst you're going through all this.

    I hope you feel better soon and you unite as a family for xmas.

    xxx
     
  8. moggymay

    moggymay Well-Known Member

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    Have you tried sitting him down and showing him this post? He may not realise how much you need him to be your son / your eldest / your first baby and to help you through all that is going on. He was your first baby and it may be that you are both fighting this bond - show him these posts and the answers BnB readers have posted and ask him what he thinks you should both do - I think he may just surprise you!
    :hugs:
     
  9. BeanieBaby

    BeanieBaby Well-Known Member

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    Have you tried sitting him down and showing him this post? He may not realise how much you need him to be your son / your eldest / your first baby and to help you through all that is going on. He was your first baby and it may be that you are both fighting this bond - show him these posts and the answers BnB readers have posted and ask him what he thinks you should both do - I think he may just surprise you!
    :hugs:[/QUOTE]

    This is a fabulous idea. I hope you're ok today hun? xxx
     
  10. fluffyblue

    fluffyblue Loving being mommy

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    Hi all - ive done lots of things over the months with Ben, he was with me at the hospital when my heteretropic was confirmed as we were out together when the EPU rang asking me to urgently go up, he was fabulous and very patient, we were in about 5 hours waiting for the results etc, we got time to talk then. To me this demonstrated his maturity. Then he reverts back to the behaviour of a 5 year old, its almost like he believes he had something "good" and that it rules out the previous few months !

    Shocker, I was extremely close to my mum, she was very firm but my best friend and she knew how to handle me and how to deal with life thats why I gave her no shite maybe this is what im expecting of Ben. When he got his GCSE I knew he was never gonna set the world on fire with A* but he did really well and we were really proud of him, even when he quit sixth form I backed him up, helped him work out where and what to do next, sometimes i feel a bit pushy but I have to do it otherwise he would be sat in his bed on his xbox from 8 till 8 and expect me and his dad to furnish him with money !.

    Beanie, we have ground rules, he is in at 11.30pm if he goes out on a weekend and he 99% of the time sticks to it, just recently we have given him a little bit of independance by allowing him to stay out but he wont tell us where he is, all we get is endless abusive texts asking why we want to know then the "im 16 now and i will do what I want" then the phone goes off !!

    WHen I tried to explain its not that im trying to be possessive I just want to know where he is if he is at someones house the least he can do it give me the address or the phone number, what does he have to hide?? My mum always let me stay out as long as I told her where i was ! That was the rule end of !

    Moggy - I think I might get him on his own after Christmas and show him dont wanna do it when hubby here as half of the problem sometimes is the friction between stepdad and stepson !!!

    Thanks for all your replies, I like the views of both young and older !! (NO offence)!

    and Beanie, I plough all my affection into my 8 year old so she acts like a 2 year old lol !!
     
  11. moggymay

    moggymay Well-Known Member

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    However you resolve this Fluffyblue they are both very lucky to have a Mum who loves them and caresas much as you :hugs:
     
  12. BeanieBaby

    BeanieBaby Well-Known Member

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    Oh hun it really does sound like you're doing everything you can and everything a committed and loving mother should do. I guess what works for one child doesn't necessarily work for another, the same as with any parenting stage from what I can tell so far.

    Just hang in there and try and enjoy your Christmas with the family and then in the New Year sit him down and try and have another chat with him about how he would like to see things change and maybe he could come up with some suggestions for moving forward that you can consider and maybe compromise on (as I can imagine his suggestions could may well test the boundaries you've already set him). Good luck and keep us posted.

    :hugs:

    xxx
     
  13. Las78

    Las78 Mum to 3 beautiful girls

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    Aw hun, I can relate to how you feel. I have an 8yo daughter who can be very hard work, she is hyper, demanding and sometimes so rude to me I cringe and wonder where I went wrong with her. My 3 yr old however is a totally different child, very calm, happy and doesn't answer back / give me cheek - YET lol!
    Because Lauren (3yo) is so much easier than Kay (8yo) we have a much better relationship which in turn makes Kay very jelous and I can understand that.
    Sometimes I feel so mad with Kay and just can't bring myself to hug her and tell her she is just as important to me yet I know that is probably the one thing that may mend it all.

    Perhaps try spending some one on one time with your son, giving him the attention he needs, ecplaining why you're so angry and that it isn't just because of what he has done but that you're still grieving. maybe he needs your recognition as well, needs to know he is just as important. I think they older they get the more we expect them to deal with things. Saying all that I think I need to take my own advice with Kay.

    Don't worry hun, you're not alone. Sending you a big hug and feel free to pm if you even need to chat or just someone to listen x
     
  14. fluffyblue

    fluffyblue Loving being mommy

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    Well all the good work of the last three days blew up this morning and I give up and to be honest I cannot be bothered with him like this over xmas.

    I have just told him "I am the boss and while under my roof he abides by my rules" and then totally ignored all his moaning after.

    I switched off broadband completely last night so neither of them could get on and have told him if he comes home in the same mood then ill do it again.

    So for now its wait and see !!
     
  15. debgreasby

    debgreasby Happy Mummy!

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    You go girl! Don't let him walk all over you, especially when you are down already xxx
     

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