Does one ever get over a Cesarean?

[Samantha675]

Here is my story and my 2 cents.

I had my first c-section due to miss handling of my care with an independent midwife. I think if she had given a shit, and me her focus, I would have delivered my son naturally at home like I wanted to. This was hugely important to me, as I really feel that the way a person is born affects them for the rest of their life. I didn't want to give birth in a hospital much less by surgery. It took me years to make peace with my son's birth, and it will always hurt. I know I did the best I could at the time, and I was unfortunately let down by the person I trusted with my care.

When I decided to have a second child, I change midwives, and had two amazing midwives. I also hired a doula. I took a hypnobirth class and did just about everything I could do to ensure I had the birth I so badly wanted.

My labor began with my water broke. Soon after, I had 5 minute long contractions, and just never dilated. I think it was a combination of my son being asynclitic, super low and getting in the birth tub way too early. After 7 hours, and only getting to 2 cms, I begged to go to the hospital and just make it stop. Once there, with pit and an epidural I only dilated to 3 1/2 and my son distressed.

With my second son, my water broke, and I started contracting 30 minutes later. My contractions were 10 minutes apart, and lasting about a minute. This continued as the contractions got longer, stronger and closer together. My doula was amazing, she really guided me through my labor. After 8 hours, I decided I wanted a VE, to see if I was dilating. My biggest worry and fear was that I wouldn't. To my shock and amazement I was 7 cms. To crushing disappointment, my son was breech. I was given the choice by my midwife to stay and attempt a vaginal breech birth, or transfer to the hospital knowing it would be an automatic c-section. This time I made the choice to have the c-section. I didn't want it, but knew that it was the best and safest option for my baby. I feel so much better and much more positive about this birth experience than I ever will with my first. My body worked, and it was amazing, and was so healing.

Take your own time to heal, the way you need to. Don't let anyone try to force it, or make you feel bad about how you feel about your baby's birth. I hate more than anything to be told 'all that matters is a healthy baby', it totally disregards my feelings towards my birthing experience, like I don't matter. I do, and it does.

 

[Lina]

Samantha675, thank you for sharing your story, did you feel that having your second like you wanted ( but didn't go as you exactly planned) helped you to deal with your first better? What I am asking is how did you make peace.

 

[Samantha675]

I made my peace through a lot of tears, several years, some therapy and just letting it go. I did my best with the knowledge I had. It was beyond my control that my midwife let me down and my cervix failed to function.

My second labor has helped me more with my feelings towards my body and my ability. My body worked. I made it to 9 1/2-10 cm without anything and would have delivered vaginally if my son had been head down. I'm so proud of that. My labor was amazing and I feel better about everything in general.

 

[cosmicgirlxxx]

I cannot get over my twin birth and mis-management 3 years ago. It is as painful as it was then xx

 

[modo]

I think my body wasn't given a chance either An induction at 39 weeks already has a large failure rate (was not warned) as the baby and your body are just not ready. It was also a Friday night and everyone wanted to go home They just kept giving me more and more in the drip and that caused Bobby's heart rate to go nuts. Then c-section time They caused the problem and "fixed" it so no I do not feel grateful to them.

 

[Lettuce]

I'm so glad I found this thread, I am still grieving over the emcs I was given, with a spinal block that didn't go higher than my belly button, failed forceps, meaning she was pushed back up...
I to, get angry when people tell me it doesn't matter, I have my daughter.
Thank you for sharing, I think I may request a meeting to talk through it all.

 

[chuck]

Ladies check these out

https://www.plus-size-pregnancy.org/CSANDVBAC/shouldbegrateful.htm

https://andnobodytoldme.com/2011/09/that-the-birth-matters-and-so-do-i/

it is ok to feel guilty, a failure, sad, angry and negative even though you have a healthy baby!

 

[MrsPOP]

Im so glad Ive found this thread. 5 months on and I stil feel heartbroken over everything that happened. I was offered a meeting by 'my' consultant who had never met me and wrote to my GP saying I could VBAC next time (how would he know, he'd never met me!) and I got a letter months later saying I hadnt turned up for my meeting. I didnt even get an appointment through to miss!

My EMCS story was thus; I was induced for pre eclampsia. 36 hours later, 4 fetal blood samples and stuck at 8cm for 6 hours I was sent for EMCS due to fetal distress. LO was in a really awkward position (OT) so I dont think I would ever have given birth to her naturally. I dont think my EMCS was unnecessary, but I do think I should have just been given one straight away with the pre eclampsia, the low bishops score and when my LO first started to get distressed.

I still feel a failure. I often say " I couldnt give birth naturally, I couldnt go into labour naturally and I couldnt feed my daughter naturally" (I have a lot of BF failure guilt too). I feel like a fraud as a mum and often feel like I shouldnt even come on BnB but Im trying because I need to get over this so much.

I understand the feeling that I need to have another baby so I could VBAC (Im ecen considering HBAC) and try and BF again.

 

[fifi-folle]

I actually posted an almost identical thread on a natural parenting forum, here's my post:
Not sure if this is the right place but following on from One Born Every Minute last night I have come to realise I am still grieving from the loss of the opportunity to have a normal birth. C was born in July after full induction at 42+1, I had contractions from 37 weeks but they kept stopping so under pressure from m/w and dh I agreed to be induced at 2 weeks past my EDD. I had planned a water birth, done hypnobirthing and yoga for birth but in the end I had almost all the interventions possible. I had the gel, ARM, sytocinon drip, morphine, epidural and eventual EMCS. After I was shaking so much I was scared to hold him. We then had a hard time bfing, was made to ff, had pp infection etc etc.
We are going to start trying for #2 next summer (my endometriosis is rather agressive and have been told to have my chidren while I can) Part of my problem may also be linked to the 4 losses we had before C. Any advice on how to get past this?
One of the best responses I got was a link to Birth Crisis. The ladies there also recommended going over your notes. And this response stuck out: The "what ifs" are what churn you up inside I think. Grief is like water- it needs to be free flowing so as not to stagnate into depression, so the more opportunities you have to talk (and cry), the more you can let it run its natural course

 

[tannembaum]

I have some positive news, after needing a vbac with my last pregnancy it got to a stage where I was over due and had bp probs, I had loads of sweeps that just didn't work so I was offered an induction. After thinking through all my options I turned down induction and opted for an elcs if baby still hadn't come. I ended up up having a section, it was scary but was much nicer than my emcs. I was really worried that I wouldn't bond with baby but I took one look at her and told her I didn't mind that she didn't come the way I wanted and planned
I am sad that I'm never going to give birth the way I want but I don't feel as bad this time around.

 

[chuck]

I think as much as many of us feel we NEED a VBAC to get over previous births and feel like not getting it will be terrible, the process of planning a VBAC or CBAC educates us about birth and our choices far more than most women and we gain the ability to make better informed choices no matter how our pregnancies/labours and births pan out.

We may not end up with our ideals BUT what we do get should be as close to it as possible because we have the ability to question what is happening and to listen to ourselves more.

Fifi...please head over to the VBAC support thread we have a few links and stories that might help and there are a few of us hanging about there now either having had a VBAC, CBAC or planning to or still TTC or WTT but thinking about VBAC options.

 

[Lina]

I actually posted an almost identical thread on a natural parenting forum, here's my post:
Not sure if this is the right place but following on from One Born Every Minute last night I have come to realise I am still grieving from the loss of the opportunity to have a normal birth. C was born in July after full induction at 42+1, I had contractions from 37 weeks but they kept stopping so under pressure from m/w and dh I agreed to be induced at 2 weeks past my EDD. I had planned a water birth, done hypnobirthing and yoga for birth but in the end I had almost all the interventions possible. I had the gel, ARM, sytocinon drip, morphine, epidural and eventual EMCS. After I was shaking so much I was scared to hold him. We then had a hard time bfing, was made to ff, had pp infection etc etc.
We are going to start trying for #2 next summer (my endometriosis is rather agressive and have been told to have my chidren while I can) Part of my problem may also be linked to the 4 losses we had before C. Any advice on how to get past this?
One of the best responses I got was a link to Birth Crisis. The ladies there also recommended going over your notes. And this response stuck out: The "what ifs" are what churn you up inside I think. Grief is like water- it needs to be free flowing so as not to stagnate into depression, so the more opportunities you have to talk (and cry), the more you can let it run its natural course

I can relate to you so much, our experiences have many similarities. One intervention has led into a catalogue of interventions. I am now trying to organise a debrief of my labour and I seem to be hitting a brick wall, I am being passed around from one extension to another. I have left messages and no one has called me back even pals. I know I should keep calling but every call takes so much energy and courage.

 

[chuck]

Lina have you found out who the head of midwifery is for your area/hospital?

Try them directly.

If you are still hitting brick walls then document the isses and send it to pals and also AIMS https://www.aims.org.uk/

 

[Lina]

Just to update,
I have contacted the head of midwifery directly and she was very pleasant.
I am now booked for a debrief next friday at 10am.

 

[chuck]

Just to update,
I have contacted the head of midwifery directly and she was very pleasant.
I am now booked for a debrief next friday at 10am.

Good stuff missus.

Sometimes it's difficult dealing with organisations where no one is really sure who is supposed to do certain things like the NHS.

Going straight to someone with the power to make decisions is never a bad thing it turns out eh?

Hope you find it useful, take a pad of paper and pen with you - unless you have a copy of your notes it'll be useful to note somethings down. You usually have to pay for a copy to be made but you might be able to wangle it or just take pics with a good camera!

It can be very emotional so be prepared for some tears and some anger.

 

[OfficerMomma]

A simple but resounding piece of wisdom once given to me by a wonderful Israeli woman teaching a birth class. (regarding C-sections)

"There is the way, but there is another way, and this is also the way."

I don't know why, but this really rang true for me. I hope it helps.

 

[Sam Pearson]

I'm sorry you are struggling. Sometimes with trauma we don't ever really get over it but we learn to live with it.

This organisation might have some useful information for you.

https://www.birthrites.org/
Birthrites: Healing After Caesarean aims to provide a support network for women who've had a previous c/section(s), and to increase the awareness of these women's needs to their health-carers within the medical profession.

 

[Cjackord]

I'm at a year and a half after a csection. I was bummed for the first several months, but eventually life got busy with a toddler and I put it to the back of my mind. Now I'm pregnant with our second and can't stop thinking about what terrible decisions led to it... If ONLY I had known then what I know now. I hate being a statistic of induction gone wrong and feel genuine dread and anxiety about having to go the doctor for prenatal.

BUT I just keep reminding myself, that no matter how my son got here, he's here! He is the best thing to ever happen to me and I don't care what terrible doctors I had the first time, I will NOT tolerate being pushed around this time.

Have you considered going to professional therapy? There's a l

 

[Cjackord]

I'm at a year and a half after a csection. I was bummed for the first several months, but eventually life got busy with a toddler and I put it to the back of my mind. Now I'm pregnant with our second and can't stop thinking about what terrible decisions led to it... If ONLY I had known then what I know now. I hate being a statistic of induction gone wrong and feel genuine dread and anxiety about having to go the doctor for prenatal.

BUT I just keep reminding myself, that no matter how my son got here, he's here! He is the best thing to ever happen to me and I don't care what terrible doctors I had the first time, I will NOT tolerate being pushed around this time.

Have you considered going to professional therapy? There's a lot of unseen trauma in a csection and it may help to seek out counsel.

 

[madasa]

Reading what another lady has written about her CBAC (that she didn't mind so much)... I think often the key thing is whether or not the mother feels supported, respected and listened to. Does she have control over what kind of care she receives?

I know the "If only I'd..." feelings, even tho I have never had a CS. It's a small comfort, but it sounds like it's not really about what you did or didn't do. It sounds like you were let down by the people caring for you. It's THEIR failure, not yours.

BTW, most of the time, a nuchal cord is not an emergency and repeat CS's are not usually necessary. If anyone reading has one of those factors in pregnancy, it's probably not panic stations