Does the anger/jealousy ever go away?

[ShelbyLC]

A few weeks after we found out we were pregnant, OH's best friend announced that he and his wife were also expecting. We were all so excited to be having our babies together. OH and his friend grew up together from the time they were very young, so it was such an amazing coincidence that their children would grow up together as well.

Then our girls were born early. Of course I felt the usual guilt that preemie moms feel. I still feel that, six months later, but I guess that's expected and I don't know if it will ever go away.

Two weeks after my girls' due date, OH's friends' son was born. They called that morning to say they were in labor and when they called again that afternoon to announce their boy's birth, I broke into tears. Not happy tears. Angry, jealous tears. They would get to bring their son home with them when they left the hospital. He wasn't hooked to monitors, he wasn't extremely fragile. They didn't have visiting hours. They breastfed immediately after birth.

I cried for half an hour. And then I felt so ashamed of myself. I should have been happy for them.

Since then, any time someone I know has a baby, or any time I see a baby born on TV, it hurts. Not as badly as that first time, but it still puts a lump in my throat. It isn't fair.

Does it ever get better? Does having a full term baby in the future make it easier? I don't want to feel this for the rest of my life.

 

[katy1310]

3 years down the line, it's still with me...I think it's faded a little bit though. I broke down in angry, jealous tears when I found out my brother and SIL were having their second baby - it was nearly 2 years after Sophie was born that they announced their pregnancy. It took me a long, long time to come to terms with them having another. I felt the same when their baby was born slightly after her due date, and hearing that they got to bring her home later that same day.

Our best friends had a baby almost 3 years to the day after Sophie was born, and I coped better with that. The first time I saw her with a bump, I did struggle. They came to spend the day with us, and as soon as they left, I burst into tears! I did come to terms with it a bit better by the time the baby was born. If she'd still been in hospital at the weekend, they were going to ask us to go and see them in hospital, but I really couldn't have brought myself to do that. She was in the same hospital as I had Sophie in, and I just couldn't bear the thought of going back in there to the same ward where I had to stay with no baby beside me, and see her in there with her baby. I just couldn't have done it. I felt so selfish but I just really couldn't. I've been around the baby a lot since he was born, and I did find it very hard at first. The first time we went to see him and they had all their new baby cards up in the house, and the baby at home, I found that really hard.

We are tentatively TTC again but while I worry about having another preemie, I also worry about having a termie because I KNOW I'd feel awful for Sophie having to go through what she did....can't win! xx

 

[25weeker]

I agree with katy it doesn't go away but it definitely it does lesson. I always feel a pang when I hear of someone who has gone to term. If this little bean is born at term I am not sure it will take these thoughts away because then I will probably just wish my first pregnancy ended like that too.

I no longer watch one born every minute because I don't want to see all these term babies being born and getting to hold them etc and that is 3 years down the line.

 

[AP]

I know it can go both ways, sometimes they say a term baby makes it hurt a little less, but for me it hurt all the more, it was quite a shocking feeling to have. You'd think having a term baby would be a wonderful experience but mines was just marred with the thoughts of "why couldn't Alex have this?"

4 years on I think I am at peace with a lot now. I've come to accept this was the path that was meant for us I used to be sad and grieve for what we don't have. Alex can't talk and is developmentally delayed, and most recently diagnosed with autism. I'm not sad anymore. Her past makes her who she is today, and who I am today, I'm so very proud of her.

 

[jandksmommy]

It was just such a traumatic experience... 4 months of driving 500km round-trips to see my beautiful tiny girl, never knowing if this time would be last time I got to touch her and tell how much I loved her... sleeping with the phone by my pillow in case her condition spiralled and I needed to get there to say good-bye...

In the end, she pulled through and is my little superstar but I still break down sobbing sometimes when I remember those first few months. Seeing a healthy pregnant woman at the end of the pregnancy or a new mom cuddling her healthy full-term newborn... I feel guilty that I couldn't give Reese the time she needed in the womb and I feel angry and robbed that I will never know what it is like to carry a child to term, what it feels like to be excited during labor instead of devastated that my baby will have a 50% chance of simple survival (10% chance of 'intact' survival). I tell myself how lucky and blessed we have been that she is doing remarkably well but my heart is still a little bit broken over the loss of what should have been. I hope someday I can think of her birth and only see the wonderful miracle I have been given... I'm trying.

 

[misspriss]

I hope it does. I'm still suffering from the preemie mom guilt. All I can think is that my baby couldn't go full term because my body gave out. I am thinking I had a c-section because I didn't insist on intermittent monitoring instead of continuous and if I could have just moved around he may have actually come out vaginally...if I hadn't use that damn nipple shield the first time we would be breastfeeding regularly now. Tons of guilt.

I have not had anyone I know give birth. I still watch birth shows though. I never watched them before because I wanted a homebirth, now I refuse to watch or read homebirth stories and I can only watch hospital ones.

I do think, if I saw or knew anyone who had a successful homebirth, I would probably lose it and bawl my eyes out right there.

 

[confused87com]

having my 'term' baby helped me feel a little less like i 'missed out'. But then as pp said, i also sometimes sit and think, i missed so much with mikey. The first 6 months were a blur of depression, we didnt do a lot, i dont remember a lot. With jess we have been going out since day one, a happy unit. i still cringe when people have their babies and it all goes well and they dont need a c section. I am happy for them, but it still hurts a little, less and less as time goes by. i thought it wouldnt after i got my term baby, but tbh it still does

 

[Havmercy]

I don't think it will go away anytime soon for me either. It still burns me up when I hear pregnant women complaining that they are "ready to drop this load" they take being pregnant full term for granted. I still sit and think "what if" I had done this or that would our son have made it to term. I started dilating right at 32 weeks. By 32+2 days I was already 10 cm even though my water hadn't broken. I wish the doctors would have let me stay longer in the hospital and waited until my water broke on it's on.

 

[AdriansMama]

I just got a taste of this on tuesday and I saw a side of myself that I really wish I didnt have ... my aunt and k were pregnant with boys and due within 4 days of eachother but Jaxton was born a month early. Jax being in the high risk nursery really made her feel bad for me (which bugged me) and she just gave birth to her small 5 lb 13oz baby boy full term and healthy. I feel awful but I didnt even go see her because I knew seeing her cuddling her brand new baby in her room would upset me . Then i heard he was not interested in breastfeeding at all and hardly sucked on the bottle and I found myself perk up because she was having dificulties! I felt awful for being that way! Then I had comments made about how hard it was for her because the nurses kept taking baby to have his blood sugar tested , seriously? !? I only got to go down every 3 hours to feed my baby no cuddles in bed, none of that bonding and looking over his entire little body. I still hope she cant breastfeed and im trying to feel differently but I cant. I know how much she wanted to breastfeed and im still really hoping she fails I actually find it worse having had a healthy full term baby although I had my full term baby first. I was expecting everything to go the same way and was VERY let down that it didnt I think it just gave me more to compare with.

 

[Pink_Sparkle]

Thank you for starting this thread Shelby, I thought I was the only who felt like this. I get these feelings too. I get it alot at the hospital when Im visiting Ashton, everyday I see new parents carrying out their new babies in their car seats. I cant even imagine how that feels. Or when I see a new mum being wheeled past on the bed holding her new baby - her new baby that isnt ventilated and hooked up to a monitor.
My coping mechanism is to try and look at the positives - Ive already buried one baby so to have a 23 weeker who is doing considerably well, I know I am blessed. The outcome could have been so so different xx

 

[vermeil]

It`s been three years for me and I think I'm *starting* to be ok. Finally being pregnant with number 2 helps a bit. I'll try to be brief but this is a tough topic and I could on for pages

The first year was really, really rough. Just hours before I gave birth, the other mom in the room with me was bawling her eyes out the whole day. Because her son had jaundice and had to stay 48 hours in the hospital, under lamps. Under flippin' uv lamps. We were told my son had 25% odds of surviving and if he did, he would probably be handicapped.

The first few days were hell, we almost lost him multiple times. While in a hospital waiting room, the very pregnant lady sitting next to me complained for 30 minutes on how her feet were swollen and darn if her feet looked ugly now and she couldn`t wear her favorite pink shoes any more. I discovered a side of myself I wasn`t proud of either - a quiet burning rage and envy. I got up, told her briefly about my son and left. I was satisfied by the look of horror on her face. But I admit I was guilty after

Same thing in preemie parent meetings. Some parents would just bawl because they had to keep their little ones under observation for a few days. When I would finally speak and list off my son`s current complications there was always an uncomfortable silence after. I felt like I was demeaning their suffering by sounding dramatic. I wasn`t, just needed to talk about him too. But it clearly upset the other parents. I kept telilng myself suffering is suffering, theirs is as valid as mine. But it was hard at first, I was so ANGRY at the WORLD. So I learned to keep my mouth shut and just say the minimum. I`d go pour out the details to the organiser after, who had had a 24 weeker and understood. She was an absolute gem and we kept in contact

When my son finally came home, months later my best friend admitted to me she had been crying at night because her now six-month old twins had been born in the hospital, not the homebirth she wanted. This was clearly a huge, soul-searching regret for her. To me it sounded absolutely ridiculous. But I knew a year before I would have 'gotten it'. I tried and tried to fine some compassion for her, I felt bad but I just couldn`t. I comforted her as best I could but it was awkward.

Finally, a positive anecdote: when my son was finally home, while shopping for baby furniture, I saw a lady get fuming mad and yell at a poor store clerk because the crib she wanted didn`t come in blue. I just stared. Wow. Having a preemie SERIOUSLY reorganized my life priorities. Having my son home? A life blessing. Furniture color? Seriously?? I also had a minor car accident. The other guy was a jerk, called me names and drove off. Would have been furious just a year before. I just shrugged and drove away. Was just a car. I actually forgot about it when I got home, until my husband asked why there was a dent in the car

I found having a preemie reorganizes your priorities for the better and makes you appreciate the important stuff!! I'm much more patient, serene and happy than I was before.

Hope that makes sense

 

[AdriansMama]

Awww vermeil im so sorry you and your lo had such a rough time im so happy your little miracle made it home with his family where he belongs !! I couldnt imagine going through the struggles youve been through you must be such a strong person ♡ Its stories like yours that make me feel like an idiot for being so upset about my experiences it makes me feel like a big whiner lol I actually almost didnt participate in these forums because I felt like it wasnt fair to those who have had far worse journeys. In the end I obviously decided to join in in hopes that I could relate better in certain aspects But it breaks my heart everytime I read a story like yours and really makes me feel grateful. Congrats on your pregnancy I hope you get a wonderful healing experience

 

[Skadi]

I still feel that way. I used to watch all the baby shows on TV when I was pregnant with Keira and since she has been born I haven't been able to watch them, I get super jealous when I hear of people I know having term babies.

Now that I am pregnant again I am terrified of the chance that we might have to go through it all again but also excited for the chance to actually have a full term pregnancy.

 

[25weeker]

Awww vermeil im so sorry you and your lo had such a rough time im so happy your little miracle made it home with his family where he belongs !! I couldnt imagine going through the struggles youve been through you must be such a strong person ♡ Its stories like yours that make me feel like an idiot for being so upset about my experiences it makes me feel like a big whiner lol I actually almost didnt participate in these forums because I felt like it wasnt fair to those who have had far worse journeys. In the end I obviously decided to join in in hopes that I could relate better in certain aspects But it breaks my heart everytime I read a story like yours and really makes me feel grateful. Congrats on your pregnancy I hope you get a wonderful healing experience

Adriansmama a prem is a prem and it doesn't matter what gestation they are born its still a scary experience so please don't ever feel you can't participate on these forums because you feel others have had it worse. We have all experienced what isn't the norm and in an ideal world we wouldn't xx

 

[Feathers]

My LO wasn't prem but she was taken right after delivery to the NICU/SCBU ward and we couldn't hold her or feed her. She still has some issues now and we spend more time in and out of hospital and having tests than not as they search for a label for her (20 months on) and I totally understand the anger and guilt. I'm so angry that it happened because for a term baby who SHOULD have had no issues, I'm so cross that the labour and delivery caused her and us to have to go through this.

I remember at the time watching all the Mums with their babies beside them whilst I sat with nothing but a photo of her in the incubator all wired up and even now when I hear about people who have that whole labour/snuggle with baby recovery/ get to go home with them. You know, the experience we all HOPE and plan on having...yes I am very angry.

The worst thing of all is being pregnant with #2 Im so scared about it happening all over again. I don't feel strong enough to sit there after and emergency c-section again and be told they need to do a lumbar puncture on my baby I haven't yet been able to hold, that they need to run this or that procedure. They're moments that you'll never get back and I wouldn't change her for ANYTHING she's my perfect little Princess, but I think...I think I will always be angry and jealous of those who had that usual birth experience.

I don't know if (fingers crossed) this time around being normal will help? I really don't know. I can't even think about it because the idea of going through last time again scares me so much.

I think we are allowed to be angry. And envious. And that's ok because we are all human and who WOULD want to go though that.

 

[jandksmommy]

Skadi!!! I am so the same!!! I used to love watching all those baby shows on TV but I just can't anymore. I get angry with the laboring mom who is whining about her pain because I can't stop thinking "Be happy your baby is going to be born healthy you silly cow!!!". I was being given my baby's survival chances and being asked to decide if we wanted to try and save her or just hold her and say good-bye while I was in full labor. And then when they show baby being place directly into momma's arms, I start sobbing remembering laying there while they whisked her into the next room to quickly intubate and try and save her. Having the doctor insist I push (to expel sac and placenta) while I am bawling and begging someone to tell me if they successfully intubated my 1lb 6oz baby. Wow... eight months really hasn't softened the edges out... I'm crying as I type.

 

[AmyB1978]

OP, thank you so much for this. My DH just doesn't get it at all.. I am glad to know I am not alone or crazy in feeling this way! I'm so grateful she's here and ok, and in the world of the NICU we were lucky, but it was still terrifying, it still sucks, and none of us, no one, deserves to go through it.

 

[sunnylove]

I honestly haven't felt any jealousy or anger. Up until I had my son (just 7 days ago!) I was on 2 months of strict bed rest, one month of that in the hospital. But I never really got jealous when I saw a pregnant woman well into 3rd trimester. I was happy for her, but really hoped she knew how lucky and blessed she was to be carrying so long! And honestly, knowing or seeing babies being born at full term, I am truly happy for the parents. No one deserves to go through what we've been through and I'm so glad they haven't experienced a difficult pregnancy or a NICU baby!

 

[jandksmommy]

Congrats on the birth of your son, Sunnylove!!!

 

[Jo_Bean]

My baby wasn't a preemie but she was taken away half an hour after birth and stayed in NICU for a month. Was discharged with a feeding tube and is having genetic tests and muscle biopsy amongst a million other things.

My sister was pregnant at the same time as me and although I was dealing with the fact that I was avoiding all program's about childbirth etc. I wasn't prepared for how angry I felt that she would get to give birth (I had an emergency c section) breast feed (I couldn't because Olivia wasn't able to suck and feed for herself) got to hold him on her chest after birth (O was resuscitated and I didn't get to hold her) spend the first night together (I did this when she was 5 weeks old)

I am still angry about everything and it comes from nowhere like a train hitting me. Just as I think I've got it sussed and manage to be happy for people, something comes over me that makes me so upset and jealous and angry.

It's getting easier as little O's personality comes out and we get to know each other better every day but its still there and I am petrified of having another baby in the future because if I get to give birth, hold them and breast feed them, it's so unfair on O. It breaks my heart. But part of me wants to experience those things too, so that I've not missed out.

It's a roller coaster of emotions and I hate not knowing the answer. So instead, we plod along.

Thanks for posting this. I don't normally post in the main forums anymore but this was close to my heart so had to say something.

I think what we feel is normal though and at least we aren't alone xx