Does the guilt ever go away?

[vickyandchick]

I have a 9 month old DS who is the light of my life, I've struggled with PPD from pretty much day one and I can't stop feeling so guilty about everything.
I don't really remember when he was born; I don't remember the first time I saw his sweet little face or the first time he cried. I'd had so many drugs and I wish I could go back in time and do it all pain free so I could remember the moment I held my son for the first time and not feel like a failure of a mother

 

[MindUtopia]

Hang in there and try not to be so hard on yourself. I think actually what you're describing is really normal for many mums. Honestly, I don't really remember the moment I first held my daughter, other that thinking "I'm really tired now" and "How am I now going to get from here to that bed while holding her?". I couldn't even really process what had just happened. I didn't have PPD and I had a completely natural birth with no drugs at all. But it's still a shock and I think a lot of people don't remember those early hours and days. Certainly all my friends who have also had natural births have said the same. My one friend was so out of it and in shock, she didn't hold her daughter at all for about 4 hours. I remember eating dinner the night she was born and then I literally don't remember a single thing for the next 48 hours until we had to go in for a check-up for her (I remember riding in the car on the way there). But I have no idea what I did those first 2 days! It's an exhausting, overwhelming experience and actually one of the reasons time makes the discomfort of birth fade as we get further away from it is exactly because we don't remember a lot of it. And that's really normal. But the exciting thing is that there is so much more to being a parent than just giving birth and those early hours and days. Honestly, the first time my daughter said, "I love you, mummy!" or the first time she said, "thank you for my dinner" after I made her a dinner she liked, or the first time she came up and cuddled me and asked, "Are you okay, mummy?" when she saw me crying were way more momentous and wonderful. That's not to invalidate your feelings of regret or sadness, but just to say don't let it distract you from the present because now is a pretty amazing time too and there will be so many more amazing moments to come.

 

[SoupDragon]

Oh, hon. I could have written much of your post myself. After a prolonged, excruciating obstructed labour where I was out of my mind for a whole day, I had an emcs, and I just remember feeling devastated that I hadn't got the birh experience I'd wanted and that DD was so badly stuck she'd have never come out on her own and could have been seriously injured.

I remember them pulling her out and saying 'whoa, you've had a whopper!' and then someone swooped her past my field of vision but I don't remember seeing her face, just all her black hair. I remember lying there in a state of shock as they closed me up and DH told me we had a daughter. I remember 'holding' her all wrapped up on my chest for a bit but it wasn't the 'first cuddle' I'd imagined...all I felt was shock. I don't remember any of the details of her just-born face, of her tiny fingers, of her eyes, of any sounds she made.

I have no idea what happened after that. I know DH was sent to get changed, but I don't know where DD was at that point or when I was in recovery. I don't know if she was with me, or if DH was holding her, or if a midwife or doctor had her. It was the middle of the night, I still had pethidine in my system, and I'd gone from 9cm dilated and thinking I was going to push my baby out to having her surgically removed from me, within the space of an hour.

All that to say, I empathise with what you're feeling. My HV has told me to go to the doctor and has said if I don't have PND I'm not far off it. I feel a little better since having my birth afterthoughts appointment to go through my labour notes and try and piece it all together, but it doesn't stop me wishing things could have been different and more like I'd hoped they'd be.

I know you are a great mum, you are clearly besotted with Logan and he is doing so well. He's healthy and happy and you are doing a wonderful job of raising him. He is an absolute credit to you. I agree with what MindUtopia has said, though of course your PND will be amplifying what you're feeling. Is there anyone you can talk to about how you're feeling, whether professional or just a good friend/family member?

 

[Button#]

I agree with mindutopia. I don't remember holding my DS for the first time, I remember more about the jacket potato they brought me in for my lunch! There are plenty of wonderful moments I remember in between then and now, it will get better. If you need help make sure you're getting it.

 

[staralfur]

I had a natural birth and the first few days are still a complete blur. When my LO was first born they handed her to me right away but I was in complete shock (I was also hemorrhaging badly) and all I wanted to do was have a minute to myself. There were 2 nurses and 2 doctors in my room because of my hemorrhaging (and they had to manually remove the placenta because they couldn't wait that long to stitch me up), my mom and my DH were there talking about how amazing my LO was, how well I did, etc. and I really was just incredibly overwhelmed. I held her for maybe 30 seconds and then just handed her off to my DH because I was so stunned. It took over an hour to do my stitches and then I still bled profusely, was on watch for possible blood transfusions, and was passing extremely large chunks of placenta for 2 days after and none of it was even remotely nice or magical. I don't remember ever having a moment where I thought about how great it was to finally have my LO, or how nice it was to hold her, it was just all pretty grim.

I did used to think about how awful I must be for not even wanting to hold/see my baby right after she was born but it never crosses my mind anymore. I have so many happy memories with her now that it just doesn't matter even a little bit.

It's funny, when I was about to give birth to my LO I was asking my mom all sorts of questions about her labour and when I was born and she honestly couldn't remember much. To her it was a very distant memory and we had 23 years of time together since then that completely overshadowed anything that may or may not have happened in the first few days of my life.

So yes, the guilt will go away. And please don't feel like not having a wonderful moment where you hold your baby for the first time and become consumed by happiness or love is wrong. Birth can be a really stressful and scary and exhausting process for us moms and all of that doesn't always necessarily stop the second the baby is put in your arms.

 

[Bella1185]

Button# made me lol! I do clearly recall begging the nurse to bring me a sandwich as I'd spotted a sales rep cater in au bon pain. (It was the drugs talking I still can't believe I did that!) and bless her she did and it was an INCREDIBLE veggie melt! But do I remember first holding dd? No. Its all a blur! Had traumatic and last minute c sec and she barely made it. All i remember is praying to hear her cry as they worked on her - and then finally hearing her screech and everyone start clapping. I think i was too traumatized to be totally in touch with the moment.

As others have said it's fairly normal. I think it's just a natural part of the overwhelming experience of being a parent - impossible to recall each moment. Have to write down special moments before I forget. However, I do not think feeling guilty the way you have described is normal. I am so sorry you feel this way! You sound like a lovely attentive mother who is obviously aware of her feelings and her child's feelings too. You deserve to live your best life and truly enjoy time with your little one. You do not deserve to be bogged down with uneccesary guilt. Have you thought about speaking with someone professional to address this? it might benefit you to learn tools to work through this and find peace. Being a mother is hard work emotionally and physically and it's nice to have support.

 

[calm]

I know what you mean I remember seeing them briefly during my c-section after starting to get very poorly. I wanted a cool drink more than I wanted to see my twins after the c-section, and they weren't given back to me for a day after, they were with my husband and the nurses. When they brought them in, I was already getting so ill with all my postpartum complications that I have a very confused recollection of holding each twin. They are no pictures of me holding both twins as I've seen other mothers, and in general there are more pictures of other people holding my babies than there are of me in the hospital. I have no idea if I gave them their first bottle or changed their first nappy, I know in general I didn't do a lot as I felt so ill and detached from it all. I was separated from both my boys after an emergency hospitalization 3 hours after being discharged, and cried staring at the ceiling while back in my house my in laws brought people to my home to see my babies like I had died and no longer was there or important. My first proper memories of nursing the twins was when I used to nurse them in the second hospital whilst hooked to a drip (24 hours after I insisted I wanted them with me). In general, the first 2 months I have mostly bad memories. Sleepless nights, various postpartum complications, inlaws that drove me batty, colicky twins and the frustration of never being able to hold them at the same time... I don't feel guilt, but I feel anger and sadness. I too wish I could go back in time, I would have done so many things differently if I only knew what I know now. BUT, despite having these feelings, and I must admit a very traumatic post partum, I do know that its not what really matters. That I didn't get that nice beginning and lovely pictures and memories, but I do have two precious sons. That each time I feed them, change them, hold them, play with them, comfort them etc. that what counts. And for me its fading so I'm sure it will for you too

 

[superfrizbee]

I'm sorry I don't have time to write a longer post, but I once read somewhere that post birth a chemical is released into a woman's brain that acts as an amnesiac to help forget the trial of labour. That would explain the fog that many woman seem to get. I'm not for one moment dismissing how you feel or saying that's what happened, I just thought it might help to know you're not alone and there is a potential other reason there too. Sounds to me like your lo is lucky to have such a thoughtful and caring mummy. X

 

[vickyandchick]

Thank you all for your kind replies, I'm trying to get an appointment with my doctor but you can't get one for love nor money and I have had 4 20 minute telephone counselling sessions and they have to now review it as that's all they allow.
I know I shouldn't be feeling the way I do; I live over 4 hours from my family and friends and my OH works nights so I don't really have any support. I just want to be better for my son.

 

[calm]

It must be very hard without support hun, can't your family come over and stay? My parents do and its a god send X

 

[Miss Vintage]

I had a pretty horrid labour, and do not remember seeing my son for the first time. I can remember hearing him cry and then it's a blank until they wheeled me into the post natal ward hours later. I had severe PND, did not bond with my son until he was around 8 months old, and then experienced horrendous guilt over everything I felt I'd done wrong, including not remembering first holding him. It took a while, but the guilt is gone now. I had to move forward for both our sakes and focus on what was in front of us, not on the things I couldn't change.

I think it would really help you to talk to someone. I used an organisation called the Association of Post-natal Illness. It's a phone line staffed by women who have been through PND and come out the other side. A lovely woman would call me as many times a week as I wanted and just let me talk about my feelings and helped me rationalise them. It was a real life line. PM if you want to know more. I promise you, it will get better