Does your OH understand that your toddler is hard work?

[Gym knickers]

When I was off on mat leave/part time I did everything around the house and for DD- to the point where I think I gave him ridiculously high expectations.

Since sept I've been working full time and obviously towards the end of my pregnancy so he's had to do ALOT more. When I was off with exhaustion and I was worrying about missing work he told me it was a good thing and not to rush back, I asked him if it was because he had dinner cooked again etc and he said yes!!

I'm now suffering severe SPD and can't do anything at all, not even lift dd. My mum helps all day then he has to help when he comes home. He won't moan about it to my face but I can see he's finding it hard. He has to do everything for dd, house, dog and school work.
I think he's going to get a shock when new baby is here. He said I'm so lucky I can be off 'chilling out' all day!!! With a 2 year old and newborn?!!!?!?! It's obviously not going to be like it was last time- and that was hard enough on our relationship. I just don't think they get it. When I was admitted to hospital this weekend and he had DD he said it was easy and 'so fun' but I came home to full bins, washing in machine and DD's stuff everywhere!! And my parents helped out loads! I'd love to see how they'd really cope if left alone with a toddler all week!!

 

[AnneD]

Sorry he is treating you like this again. I wouldn't like it at all. I've never met a man in real life who'd really pull his weight, but what he is doing is just not on. If he doesn't like how his shirts are ironed, tough, he can do it himself. And seeing as you are both going to live in the new house, and co-own it, he needs to participate and share the burden of buying it first. When you are to move house, will he expect you to pack all your possessions, organise the movers, and then unpack everything, all by yourself while looking after Micah? And while cooking his vegetarian dinners at the same time? Because he will still have his new job to take him away while you do 'nothing' all day.
Commuting is annoying, but when he took that job, he knew there would be a commute involved until you've bought the new house and moved in, so however much he hates it, he needs to suck it up for the time being. If he's that desperate to move in record time, he should be working on it and not leaving it up to you.
As for counselling being a waste of money, however much I may or may not agree with him, he has no right to just refuse to do anything about the situation your relationship is in. Or does he not care as long as he gets his way? I'd be really worried about his attitude. Especially if there is a pattern in his behaviour.

 

[sequeena]

I'm sorry you're having a rough patch with your OH I hope you manage to sort it out He is definitely putting too much on you. Yes he works but so do you and by the sounds of it you do everything else he needs a wake up call.

My OH can be really lazy. To the point where we see him 2-3 hours a day because he sleeps so much when he comes home from work (he works nights). He's had 2 weeks off though and he has been fantastic. I just have to remind him to pull his weight. Obviously Thomas is hard work and I do think he used to think that I had it easy but now he really understands how Thomas is he knows it's not walk in the park.

xxx

 

[twobecome3]

I read an article recently that said the times people report as their unhappiest in the day are - Commuting and doing household chores



anyways, I feel you. we're still a year or so off from purchasing a house, but the ball has been completely in my court. same with budgeting, etc.

its very frustrating feeling like the state of things is only on you !!

 

[MumToEva]

We used to be like that too, especially when my eldest was born. I let it go on for about 9 months, then I decided I had had enough. My husband is really good now (most of the time anyway, and if he ever forgets what it is like to have 2 small children I make sure he spends a few hours with them by Himself so that he remembers again! )

One of the things that helped us was putting the kids into nursery for a half day a week so that I had time to do the cleaning - I'm an expert at speed cleaning now, so all we have to do apart from that is do a half hour tidy up each evening after the kids go to bed, and the arrangement is that neither sits down until it's all done. Weekends neither of us does housework - it's our time off.

My youngest still wakes in the night, so I do the nights when I'm not working, but we do half and half on my work days (I work 2.5 days) and at the weekends, plus we both get a lie in one of the weekend mornings (form 7 to 9).

I'd suggest working out what exactly you would be happy with in terms of splitting chores etc, either on paper or in your head, then tackle one thing at a time till you achieve the right balance for your family.

Hope you get it sorted!

 

[steele]

I thought my OH was improving but he reminded me of this thread today when HE broke my car on the way to work and left me to sort it a out while caring for a toddler. I think it's a man thing!

 

[AnneD]

What really annoys me is the implication that you do nothing all day while caring for Micah, which seems to give him the idea that he can use you as a personal slave of sorts and criticise what you do, too. Sorry mate, not ok in my book at all. Who says you've got to iron his shirts in the first place?!?

 

[Zephram]

If my OH wants his shirts ironed, he can bloody well do it himself!! Ironing is the one thing I refuse to do. I do 90% of the housework as I am a SAHM. This week I did have to have a go at my OH for getting lazy and not even putting his plates in the dishwasher. He was just leaving them on the bench - grr! The real kicker is that he is the guy who comes home from work complaining about how people in the office just leave their plates in the sink and don't put them in the dishwasher - well, I got news for you buddy! You are that person you hate!

Since I had a go at him about it he has returned to putting his dishes away in the dishwasher, thank goodness.

Honestly, sometimes I think our OHs just need a kick up the backside and a reminder of how good they've got it.

If your OH is complaining about the speed of things being done for the house sale, then give him a couple of phone calls a day to make in his lunch hour. It's not like he's not responsible for it at all, just because he's at work.

 

[randomrach]

Zephram, ironing is the one thing I don't do as well!

I honestly think a lot of men just don't get it. However, if they've looked after the kids for a few hours they manage to be 'exhausted'. I look after the kids (10 months and 2 years old), do the housework, pay the bills and do any extra 'jobs' that need doing - while pregnant this has included building drawers, changing light switches, renewing his car tax and insurance, doing the food shop etc. I'm 8 months pregnant and still do pretty much everything but if he has dared to complain he's been told to do it himself or he knows where the door is if he doesn't like it!

Last week he came home late knowing he'd spilt something on his work uniform (works as a chef), didn't even mention it, put it next to the EMPTY washing machine and then complained when he woke up the next day and it wasn't washed. Needless to say he was told to stop taking the p***.

The part about this being the 'easy age' made me laugh though Not if Micah is anything like DD, who's a month or two older than him, she turned two and seems to have been possessed by an evil being.

 

[Wilsey]

I'm sorry he's being an ass!

Mine knows better than to say that stuff to me. I had an extra long shower this morning and I could hear both the kids crying etc. When I got out I asked 'so how did that go?' and he just looked at me like 'Jesus. Christ. That. Was. HORRIBLE.' If he had it his way I'd never leave him alone with the kids haha.

He goes to work for a break

 

[Scottish mum]

Yes!!! And I work also! I feel sometimes that my oh has no idea how much I do ! I go that extra mile for lo and though my oh is very good with lo I have that bit more patience ! Which is hard because it means I'll just do things because it's just bloody easier but I'm now at the point that I'm so tired !

X

 

[Boo44]

Sounds like you're having a particularly stressful time of it at the moment I'm sure it will all work out just fine. If he's all stressed with the commuting and taking it out on you then that's not on. But that being said, it must be stressful for him too. I'm definitely not making excuses for him, but this stuff is hard on everyone!

I don't think it's ever on to have a go at you for not ironing right. Like seriously what is he on? I couldn't stand for that despite what I've said!

Actually this thread makes me feel very bad. I sometimes think I take my OH completely for granted as he works full time yet does most of the stuff around the house quite often. He cooks for me every night and does bath time for the boys every night. He encourages me to spend time out and is amazing with our boys. I'm not saying this to make you think I'm so much better off than you. I'm actually pointing out that I might be a bit like your OH. Sometimes you get into a rut, and maybe he's gotten used to you powering through and coping with everything, that he's taken a back seat with the house and everything, and now feels a bit out of the whole thing. Which ends in snarky comments and fall outs. I can empathise with that. Usually a good old barney ending in a chat about how we both feel sorts things like this out for us

Good luck xxx

 

[xolynn]

Uhh...I havent read any replies but after reading your initial post I'm shocked. "Things arent ironed right"? I'd slap my OH if he said something like that and was being serious, I'd never iron his clothes for him as is haha. No offense but he sounds like a real jerk....*hugs* I'm sorry he acts like that I'd have a real serious talk w him if I were you...but anyway to answer the question, yes my OH understands how difficult our DS can be. Hes always helped as much and in every way he could when not working. Parenting is 50/50 its not all up to the mom!

 

[AnneD]

He expected me to do everything around the house and funny when I went back to work part time he said it wasn't a proper job. We nearly broke up back then.

...

OH told me this morning that I'm "too lazy to pull my finger out and get the house sorted" when I have "all day to do whatever I want".

...

25 minutes carrying a 2 stone child thrashing and screaming in my ear) and OH had no sympathy whatsoever, he just said "it was your choice to take him out"!

I don't know what to do.

This thread has been bugging me ever since OP posted it. Look at the above, OP, and tell me why you allow him to speak to you like this. Your part time job isn't a proper job? Is that because it's overnight and he thinks you just get to sleep? And because looking after your own child is a walk in the park all day, every day? Too lazy to pull your finger out? Excuse me? Please tell me you didn't let him get away with that? Talk about disrespect.

You're planning a second baby after the wedding, what will that look like? Seeing as Micah is, in your OH's opinion, supposed to be getting easier and easier, and a newborn isn't hard work at all (as he said), and you don't do anything all day? Will he lift a finger at all? Or will you be left with two children, all the housework, probably your nightshifts, and more?

And the last bit about it being your choice to take Micah out, excuse me. You can't keep a child in all day just to avoid a tantrum, and nor should you. Not to mention that you obviously had shopping to do, which your OH wasn't going to do in the first place, and I bet he would have complained if you hadn't gone shopping just in case Micah had a tantrum.

You are organizing the wedding by yourself, too. Is he interested at all, or is it all up to you? I might have somewhat extreme views, but I remember several of your past posts about him and I would be having serious second thoughts about the wedding. Actually, I don't think I would have got as far as planning it. It would have been too much crap for me to take a long time ago.

 

[NoodleSnack]

AnneD, I think that's a bit harsh. We are not privy to all the details in their relationship or even that particular conversation, maybe it was said in a heated moment, maybe there were words on both sides.

Maybe you're not okay with some of those things but it's not true of everyone else. Maybe you wouldn't have been with this guy but OP is and they have a child together, why? Because we're all different and we choose our partners differently. Let's take a bit of care when projecting our feelings onto other people's situation who might need and want different things from their OH.

It seems to me that OP is okay with doing the stuff she does but wants more appreciation from her OH, and she still wants to maintain this relationship, so unless he has done something alot worse, it's not right to make her question whether she's right to have continued this relationship. It should be about going forward whether and how they can improve their relationship.

 

[AngelofTroy]

He expected me to do everything around the house and funny when I went back to work part time he said it wasn't a proper job. We nearly broke up back then.

...

OH told me this morning that I'm "too lazy to pull my finger out and get the house sorted" when I have "all day to do whatever I want".

...

25 minutes carrying a 2 stone child thrashing and screaming in my ear) and OH had no sympathy whatsoever, he just said "it was your choice to take him out"!

I don't know what to do.

This thread has been bugging me ever since OP posted it. Look at the above, OP, and tell me why you allow him to speak to you like this. Your part time job isn't a proper job? Is that because it's overnight and he thinks you just get to sleep? And because looking after your own child is a walk in the park all day, every day? Too lazy to pull your finger out? Excuse me? Please tell me you didn't let him get away with that? Talk about disrespect.

You're planning a second baby after the wedding, what will that look like? Seeing as Micah is, in your OH's opinion, supposed to be getting easier and easier, and a newborn isn't hard work at all (as he said), and you don't do anything all day? Will he lift a finger at all? Or will you be left with two children, all the housework, probably your nightshifts, and more?

And the last bit about it being your choice to take Micah out, excuse me. You can't keep a child in all day just to avoid a tantrum, and nor should you. Not to mention that you obviously had shopping to do, which your OH wasn't going to do in the first place, and I bet he would have complained if you hadn't gone shopping just in case Micah had a tantrum.

You are organizing the wedding by yourself, too. Is he interested at all, or is it all up to you? I might have somewhat extreme views, but I remember several of your past posts about him and I would be having serious second thoughts about the wedding. Actually, I don't think I would have got as far as planning it. It would have been too much crap for me to take a long time ago.

Hi, thanks for thinking of me but I think I've confused you a bit here. OH has been very much involved in planning the wedding, I am doing a lot during the day (currently making up invitations) but he's been spending most of his evenings recently working on our wedding website with RSVP system, he is very keen and excited and helpful with this.. and up until starting the new job he was very involved in arranging the move as well. I'm not gunning ahead with something he doesn't want to do, he just thinks he doesn't have time anymore.. The issue is that he doesn't realise that I don't have any extra time either, and that actually him being out of the house longer every day means I have LESS time to organise those things and do housework!

The ironing comment was because I ironed his trousers which I never normally do but for some reason they were really crumpled so I ironed them, then he put them on and they looked weird, I'd put a crease in the wrong way and he was already late. I by no means 'let him talk to me like that', I was annoyed and said I wouldn't bother next time. It annoyed me a lot and I told him so! But I can see why he was frustrated, I just didn't know how I should have done it!

The job comment.. He apologised but I can tell that he doesn't 'get' why it's hard, the same as he doesn't really 'get' why being a mum is hard! I do get to sleep, but I'm up and down all night and up early to prepare meds etc. And it's the being 'on call', even if the boy I support is asleep I am always responsible, listening out and away from home, unable to relax or do my own thing. It's not at all like sleeping in my own home. I think part of it as well is that he sees it as 'two nights a week' whereas I see it as 32 hours a week which is actually a lot!

So, i agree with you that some of his comments (said in the heat of the moment as PP suggested and since apologised for) are uncalled for, he's not a terrible person. He's a great dad who regularly has Micah on his own and happily takes him out alone on a weekend. I think the problem is that it's always a novelty for him as its a few hours here, half an hour there, etc whereas for me it's almost constant so Micah can 'get' to me more especially when he's acting up!