dont know how to deal with 3 yo being naughty

[vmcsherry]

Hi there,

Ive got a 3 year old that is very well behaved 80% of the time but when she is naughty, she is really naughty. Tonight we have a situation to where it is bedtime and she keeps escaping her room and she is screaming and crying and flailing around and makes it impossible to lift her. Each time my husband or I put her back in bed she says "OOOOWWW" like we are actually hurting her? we arent! Earlier today we were in a shop and half way through she got upset because I wouldnt let her open a box of stuff, even though i promised her she could once we got in the car. She fake cried the rest of the time and once we got to the end of our trip she was laying on the floor in the shop and wouldn't get up when i asked her and was ignoring everything that i was saying. didn't help that passersby were giving me looks

When we got out of the shop i got down to her level and tried to explain to her that she is not allowed to act like that and screaming and crying is unacceptable behaviour. She then wet her pants, then cried harder because she wet her pants, we have been potty training for over a year with her and only recently have we been able to leave the house without her wetting her pants as soon as we got to the car. On the drive home she was roaring and screaming and i felt like pulling the car over and spanking her! I didnt, she doesnt get hit. I was hit as a child from an early age until i was 18 and it has always stayed with me in a bad way.

Im at a loss as to how to discipline her or even how to deal with her when she acts like this. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

 

[Teri7489]

Poor you!

My 3 year old can be a nightmare at times, which is so frustrating. Just yesterday she stated running around a department store and kept lifting plates, glasses and teapots. When i told her off she lay of the floor screaming. Generally speaking she gets the 1,2,3 warning. If she doesnt come to me or stop the naughty behaviour there are consuqences i.e not toy as promised, no painting or time watching her favourite cartoon. Usually it works but if i get to 3 i have to just lift her (far easier said than done) and go home/put her in bed or i leave the room.

Ive found raising my voice does nothing but encourage her. I prefer to explain that she is making me sad with the way she is acting rather than letting her know she is just plainly hacking me off.

At 3 i dont think they are capable of remembering what happened and then able to process it. I read that the part of the brain that controls reasoning temporarily stops working when children have meltdowns therefore trying to bribe them, encourage them to get up or similar is literally pointless. If my daughter lies on the floor being silly then the 1.2.3 thing works but if she is hysterical i leave her. Now after 2 children i dont care one bit what people think. I know i care for her (and will be the same for my son no doubt) and at that point they are having a hard time. Try not to even look at passers by. Some just dont understand and other may not show it but have probably been through the same at one point. x

 

[kirstybumx3]

I'm sorry you've had a difficult day. I have no advice but I just wanted you to know you're not the only one. I really struggle at times with my 3yo behaviour too and feel like I'm parenting completely wrong! I think to some degree it's normal for their age. It's so easy to think everyone else's child never does anything like that because all we see are photos on social media etc of them looking angelic
I have plenty photos of Rio looking angelic actually, but he is known to be the total opposite on many occasions lol.
Hang in there, threenagers are a pain! X

 

[Joybell]

Hang in there I've had days like that too. I do remember going though days of my son being the worst behaved he had ever been. Screaming ignoring crying flailing around etc etc and it turned out he had an ear infection. We only figured it out when it burst :/

As I say, hang in there and keep your nerve. It'll pass

 

[Quartz]

Its a difficult age where they are figuring out boundaries. Look at your examples - you are telling her its bedtime, she is telling you its not. She is getting frustrated she is not being listened to you are getting frustrated she is not going to sleep.

In the shops she wanted to open a box, you were being entirely reasonable to an adult/older child saying wait to the car as its a clearly defined time objective - but to her she cannot quantify what that means. She gets upset and cannot regulate her behaviour and gets upset.

The point is neither you or her have done anything wrong, its just a time where you have to navigate it as best you can!

 

[broodymrs]

We do the 1, 2, 3 thing too and naughty step. Never intended to do naughty step but I think nursery must do it because ds just started putting himself on it! It seems effective so we go with it. 3 is so challenging. A few weeks ago just before he turned 3 we had a lot of meltdowns and I finally figured out he gets really upset if he can't do something a certain way. For example if he's getting in the car he has to climb in himself and settle down in his seat, if I just put him in he goes mental. So now I try to really understand what he needs for the situation to be ok, then we backtrack and do it his way (where possible).

 

[JumpingIn]

When we got out of the shop i got down to her level and tried to explain to her that she is not allowed to act like that and screaming and crying is unacceptable behaviour.

This part really struck me. I wanted to offer reassurance and a bit of insight about what these words and the rest of your post brought to mind for me.

Firstly, all the behaviour you describe sounds perfectly age-appropriate and "normal". That doesn't make it easier when it's happening though of course.

I'm interested in what you think might be happening, why your little girl is exhibiting these behaviours. Personally I can think of a few hypotheses which can be simplied as follows:

1. Your little girl is trying really hard to annoy you and make your life difficult because she is manipulative.
2. Your little girl is struggling with other external and internal issues in those moments, such as tiredness, hunger, illness, overstimulation, not feeling heard, not knowing how to handle refusals, not knowing how to regulate emotions, or a combination of these, and acts out in response to these feelings because at the age of 3 her brain is still going through vast maturation and rapid change.

Research suggests the answer is much closer to number 2. Does that mean her behaviour is to be shrugged off or merely accepted? Not necessarily. The reason I picked out your sentence was to point out the difference between her feelings and her behaviour. The aim is to inform the child that their feelings are perfectly valid and understandable given their age and situation, but that their behaviour should fall within certain limits and expectations. How can we do this?

The absolute key is to connect with your child first. If she is crying and falling down in a shop and your thoughts run along the lines of "this is such a pain and people are staring and she's being naughty" then this will reflect in your response to her. If your thoughts are along the lines of "wow, she seems upset. I wonder if she's overstimulated/tired/hungry etc" then your response will be very different.

Similarly, if your response to her is something like "stop being naughty. This is unacceptable" her reaction may be very different than if you were to acknowledge and question her with gentle curiosity "wow you seem so upset/angry/mad. I'm here for you. What is making you feel like this?"

In public you can say something like "I'm going to take us out of this shop so we can calm down", then take her to a quiet space where she can cry and you can help her calm down.

Once out of an emotional state (have you ever tried to do some serious learning when you're really angry, sad, tired, hungry, confused?) you can begin to talk about different behaviours ("You fell down in the shop and screamed and we had to leave. Do you think that helped you to feel any better? It certainly didn't seem like much fun"...

From here you can discuss appropriate conduct, but to be honest with you, in my book she hadn't done anything "wrong" by wetting her pants/screaming/falling to the floor. She got upset in the only way a 3-year-old knows how to get upset.

I hope this has given you a few ideas. I know how exhausting it is. I know this approach seems like loads of work. But the long-term payoff is priceless.

As for people staring at you...Sod them.
This is YOUR relationship with your child. Focus inward because in those moments they absolutely do not matter.

 

[Swiftintent]

I'm sorry you are having a rough time right now. Know you are never alone and it's not just your child who acts out like this, I'M sure there are plenty of other parents out there who have had to or are currently going through something similar to this. I have 3 kids ages 10, 7 and 4 and I have gone through situations that have tested me to the max with all of them. I'm a believer in spanking my child on the bottom, I know not everyone is so I'll skip over that part. I also make it a point to pull my child aside and talk to them without an audience of any kind. I notice mine would act out more if there were other people in the same room. I've also learned to stand my ground and be firm in my discipline, time outs, taking things away ect. things like that. Parenting can be tough on anyone, keep your head up and know that this will pass. I pray you are able to find peace and a solution to your situation.

 

[CaptainMummy]

I just ignore my 3yo when she acts like this. Usually her realising that I am not even paying her any attention is enough to make her stop (even if it means her screaming and being ridiculous in front of an audience) She doesn't really throw tantrums but she whinges and whines and again, I just explain to her (very quickly and simply) why she can't have what she wants and then dont speak to her again.
Her general behaviour isn't the best and I do sit her on the stairs if she does something really bad (like hit, or throw things at people) She hates it, but she needs to learn.
I have more of a problem with defiance, being a 'smart alec' and purposely not doing as she should rather than the whole tantrumming thing!

 

[Boo44]

I'm right there with you, my 2 year old (3 in a couple of weeks) has always been quite challenging. I feel like he cries or shouts about things much more than his brother and I got to the stage where I dread making him put his coat on etc as I just know he will cry and shout. I know that's not the best way to be, so I'm trying to make an effort to really explain things, give him plenty of notice of what we're going to do etc etc. He has responded to it and we're slowly getting better but I know there's much more to come. It's such a challenging age!

 

[twobecome3]

its tough, standout moments from this week include but were not limited to:

kicking the dog
dragging dog around the house
toilet papering the dog
dumping paint all over the kitchen, and dog
incessant climbing into all the baby things at softplay ( exersaucers, bouncy chairs, wtf??)
countless times running away from me whilst out walking the dog
rage-peed all over the hall floor
running up into peoples yards to faff with xmas decorations
scratch-attacked my face and pulled my hair
epic screamfest currently happening at bedtime

I just try and weather the storms really, stay calm but firm. sometimes I lose my shit and get frustrated espec on days when she just WILL. NOT. leave the dog alone

I do have a tidbit that ive found helps, since I started exercising regularly I'm so much calmer with her. imo its more of me dealing with my stress/reactions as her behavior is totally normal and unavoidable really!

 

[Left wonderin]

I've got one of theses whirlwinds too .... Boy do I struggle !! I constantly feel I'm doing it wrong ! I have found that the more hysterical he gets .. It doesn't help if I join in lol( which I feel like doing most of the time ...what does help is conciously thinking ok the louder you get the quiter ill get , the more you thrash the calmer ill become ... Its easier said than done but that's what I aspire to ... It is so much easier to deal with a meltdown if your not having one at the same time !! I do allow myself the thought that I'm just going to " defer " my meltdown till later ... Go shout at the moon lol.... But by the time its time to do it ... I don't feel like it

Oh and I agree sod everyone else ....they have all been there or will be one day !