Don't know what to do now..

[Brightxeyes]

I got pregnant quite early into the relationship, we've been together 11 months and I'm 26 weeks pregnant.

We moved out shortly after we found out, have a lovely house and he works from home for his own business. I work four days a week in retail and I'm due to go on leave in 6 weeks.

We had a few arguments probably after the 12 week mark. I suffered badly with depression before, and anxiety. And it's slowly crept back up on me.

We were still in our honey moon period I guess when we found out we were
Pregnant, so we enjoyed a drink and doing silly things etc. I quit smoking when I found out, obviously don't drink and a lot of my friends have kinda not bothered with me since finding out I'm pregnant. (Even though I've never been a massive drinker, I usually go for coffee with my close friends!) so it's not like they can't invite me out to do something as the things we usually used to do is safe for me and baby to still do?!

But yeah basically the friends I have who ARE bothered live in Manchester, London and Norfolk. No where near me. Even a few of my other halves friends seem more bothered talking to me than my own friends.

The other half works, a lot. He lives and breathes his work because he created it. I infact helped him set it up. He was struggling to find work that suited him, he'd rather do something he enjoys and put 100% in than do something he hates and not put effort in. So he had an idea and I have him a small amount of money to start him off. He's been very successful so far but to keep it that way he has to work late nights, and start first thing in the morning.

He still makes time to have a bit of fun.. So like he's had people round for his birthday etc. with BBQ I went inside because they lit the chimnea and created way too much smoke and it felt a bit left out, had a headache so I went inside to sleep a bit earlier.

But he'll also go out, and never tell me when he's back. Mainly 'in a bit, couple of hours, won't be long, leaving soon' and that means 4+ hours, and sometimes I'll wake up at 5.30am and he's just come back.

He'll ignore texts and calls especially when out.

He never wants to do anything with me anymore. We don't go to bed at the same time. We eat next to each other. I've given up talking to him while we eat now.

I've given up talking altogether. Barely even speak about the baby anymore. He won't touch my belly as much.

I don't have any spare money. He's bought himself three vintage sports shirts this week. I have two pairs of maternity leggings (which I simply can't get through the washing machine quick enough and sometimes I have nothing to wear) and baggy tshirts which are now getting tight.
I don't want to ask him to buy me something or borrow money because I can tell he doesn't even care about me that much anymore.

He doesn't make me feel better about my weight. He says you're meant to be fat/put on weight because you're pregnant. Never any compliments.
I talk to my bump more than anyone else during the whole day.

Our 6month lease is coming up and we need to tell them whether we want to renew our rent on the house.. I almost don't want to.
He didn't help with the babies room. I feel quite depressed. I didn't even get mad the other day when he said won't be long at 7pm and was out til 2am. I just was that beyond giving a crap I didn't even get mad.

The amount of times we've argued or talked saying he doesn't have any time for me (he then says I'm working all the time), I'll say well you drop work for friends. Then he's like we ate dinner together (and didn't talk and then he buggered off to carry on working).
Nothing changes. He said last night he doesn't talk because he'll say something wrong and I'll moan. Then he says he doesn't want to spend time with me because I'm unhappy.

It's like well, I moan at the moment because we don't talk and spend time together. And I'm unhappy because of him not wanting to even acknowledge my existence.

Obviously could just be a rough patch. But iduno. I really feel like it's coming to the end now. And I only cry because I can't change it. I've tried. He says he doesn't have 'excuses' when that's all he gives me. Excuses.

I'm fed up. Don't know what to do now. Can't even go back to my moms. There's no room. Not with baby on the way. Do I just stay here? Put a bed in the nursery and stay in there?? Live together but not be together until I figure out what to do??

Sorry. I've rambled. I've just given up. I've tried not to argue and shout. I've tried to talk. And mention little bits. But I just can't even talk to him now...

Le sigh.

 

[Brightxeyes]

He says I'm boring. And I say well sorry I can't do the things we used to do, but you kinda helped me into the whole pregnancy situation.
He also says I'm being silly getting upset a the time. And he's hoping it's the hormones. But then brings up the fact I probably need my medication again. And how am I going to handle being a mother.. Which I already feel worried about post natal depression as it is. I'm so scared it's gonna get me and I'm gonna be a bad mother. Or not the best I can be anyway.

So I'm ugly. I'm fatter than I was.. No clothes fit me. I'm quite depressed. As much as I want a cigarette I haven't caved in. There's no point going so long through the pregnancy without one to have one now. I can wait til at least after the baby. (The only thing that got me through my last bout of depression was a lot of smoking and drinking twenty cups of tea a day to keep me doing SOMETHING). So I'm really itching for one. But I'm so proud I haven't caved.

So I generally feel horrible anyway. For me to be this heavy is an absolute nightmare as I've always been anorexic and underweight. So I literally get so wound up with how big I am I literally want to peel my skin off.

I have no local friends that want to even text me never mind about see me.
I have no one to talk to.
I have no spare money to go and do things. I'm trying to get into little hobby things at home like crafts. But I've bought a couple of things but I need a bit of money to buy a couple of things like ribbon so I can make it fully.. And I don't have that money to do it until payday. So I want to do it but can't because I need it just right and perfect.

I feel like an absolute idiot just blurting all this rubbish out. And I swear there's probably something else other than depression because I just have all these incoherent thoughts that come out of nowhere.

Haven't spoke to him since last night.

I might ask to borrow £20 so I can go get the ribbon I need to make things. So I can do things and not care we're not talking.

 

[BabyHopes1974]

I'm so sorry your going through this. Can you afford couples counseling? It might help. Plus, don't be afraid of going back on meds at this point. You are past the first trimester. Also consider that when you quit smoking cold turkey it can mess with your emotions.

Do they provide counseling where you live? Try to do something each day that takes care of you, such as going for a walk or taking a nice long bath.

Don't know if any of this advice helps but try to take care of yourself first.

 

[Brightxeyes]

I applaud you for reading all of that!

Even if I suggested couples counselling he wouldn't have the time to do it.

I have a meeting with someone who specialises with depression and pregnancy. I didn't even ask for it. The doctor at the clinic booked me in after I said I was fine haha.

I've done counselling twice before and each time took 3-5 months to see someone.
And it just wasn't for me.

Thank you though. Just sad nothings going to change.

 

[leahtaba]

I dont have any relationship advice to offer but I really feel like you should reach out to your friends. i know you say they dont care but they arent mind readers and wont know how you feel unless you tell them. you should get in touch, arrange a day out shopping or something to take your mind off things at home.

its easy to isolate yourself wheb you are pregnant and have a new baby, and its easy for your friends to get on with their lives thinking you are busy, you need to reach out. xx

 

[leahtaba]

Oh and can i also add just so you know you arent alone that my OH was alot like yours when i was pregnant with my first. We were only 22 and he just used to work constantly and then spend any spare time in the pub. Now we are having our second and he has grown up alot and is a wonderful daddy and only goes out twice a month. He just had some growing up to do and there was nothing i could really do but wait it out, and it was really hard at times so i completley sympathise xx

 

[Brightxeyes]

I've messaged them, and they literally don't reply.

I chased up one saying well I'm free these days, are you? This was after she said I need to drop your birthday present down. (Not like hang out with me just drop something down..)
And they literally said sorry not gona be free for a while. Ignores every other message for weeeeeks and then finally asked me advise on a camera lens. So they came to me when they wanted me to reply and can't take two minutes to reply to me.

I didn't have that many friends anyway.

The other in Manchester tries her best to arrange something when she's around and if she doesn't have time I understand, she at least tried to. I've talked to her about the problems and she said she's always there but sucks when i can't see her to distract me.

I have given up on local friends anyway.

 

[leahtaba]

Sorry hun are you close to any family you can spend some time with? a girly day shopping with your mum or something?

 

[Hippiemomlife]

Wow, you're going through a lot and it makes it tough when you feel so overwhelmed with being pregnant and it feels like there is no one around to help you or who cares at all. I kind of am going through a similar situation, only I have more support from my bf then it seems you do. But I live across the ocean from my family and friends, and I have absolutely no one to go out with or talk to... my bf never wants to do anything and I feel so alone sometimes. I understand a bit of how you're feeling and what really has helped me is joining a mother/yoga class. It's nice to just get away from work and the house and you meet other moms and the instructor has a new theme to talk about every week. I think you should take some time out for yourself and find a similar class. Also, talking on these forums helps too! That way it feels like you're not the only one going through this and it makes things a bit easier when you can get a load off of your chest and just write it all out. I hope things go well! Good luck

 

[ajlj1126]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. DH was the same way with my first. He basically said that he shouldn't have to suffer at home with me when he's not the one who's pregnant, I am. Why should we both be miserable at home when he can go out and do things? I had the same situation too, could NOT get an answer out of any of my "friends", a lot of them still don't talk to me because now I have a baby to take care of and they're young and single and free.. and my mother & I haven't talked for years and years so she wasn't around for me either. I know exactly how lonely and helpless you feel!!

This time he's different. He did a lot of growing up. I can only hope your OH is simply going through a crisis like mine was.... but I truly don't know. There needs to be a group that meets and makes friends with each other who are all pregnant and lonely.

 

[Spiffynoodles]

I'm not sure what to say as far as the relationship goes, except that I'm so sorry you're feeling so alone and isolated. I had moments like that when I was pregnant with my first, and used to comfort myself with the knowledge that to my baby, I would be the whole world. As for your OH, it sounds like it could really go either way at this point, depending on his priorities. Once the baby is born, it may change him for the better and he might get his butt in gear and step up, but if he decides that his work and his friends are still more important, then it may be time to call it quits.

As for friends, I had the same problem, except in my case we moved and so I just never saw any of my friends anymore. It sounds to me like your friends are in a different stage of life than you (sounds like they don't have kids?) and maybe just aren't sure how to relate anymore. I would suggest looking for friends that are already moms. I think you'll find that they'll be more sympathetic and understanding of your needs, because to some extent at least, they've been there before.

I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that we wish we could do more for you than just give a little advice. Sometimes I wish I lived in the UK (since that's where the majority of BnBers seem to live) so I could actually drive down and give you (and others like you) a big hug.

In the meantime, if you just need someone to talk to or vent to, you can always PM me.

 

[labgal]

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time, lovie.

A lot of things could be going on here as far as your relationship is concerned, like a lot of ladies have said. It could be that your OH knows that his life is going to change completely once your LO is here, and he's throwing himself into things as much as he can before the baby comes.

I'm not sure how old you two are, but he could just be immature at this point in his life. Most men don't become particularly mature until they are about 30, in my experience.

The most important thing in a relationship is that it is a two way street. It means you both have to recognize what you are doing and not doing. Your OH should make you feel good about being yourself every day, and you should do the same for him. Men can be really selfish, maybe he feels like you care more about the LO than you do about him now.

Talking is key. I know it feels futile but you have to try to talk. Express how you feel, tell him what you need and that you want to be better, too. Express how his actions make you feel, and ask what he feels back. Let him know how important it is to you to try to bridge the distance you've had between each other. If he's not willing to talk and honestly try to change things, then it's time to start thinking about moving on. You need a partner who supports you and builds you up. Who makes you feel strong and confident about yourself, who helps you live for *you* just as much as living for him or your LO, too. Every relationship has rough patches, no one *never* fights, but the willingness to work on things together is what gets you through and makes you fulfilled as partners.

I really hope you guys can resolve your issues, but always keep in mind that you are beautiful, and nothing is impossible or insurmountable, as much as it might feel like it at any given time!

 

[RcdM]

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I can definitely relate in the friend department. And I had my first at 27 so it's not like I got pregnant at very early on while my friends were still partying! I just don't know what it is. Once you get pregnant your friends drift away, the true ones will stay and sometimes you find out that none were "true". It's so hard to make mommy friends. It requires a lot of effort and I haven't put in that effort yet, and so for now I complain about being lonely.

Here are my suggestions on friends, even though coming from me is almost a little hypocritical because I haven't done this myself. But I already have a 2 year old so it's a little harder. You could enroll in some prenatal yoga classes - they do cost money, but maybe you can get your boyfriend to understand that this is something that will really help improve your mood and get you out with other women who are pregnant. It will benefit him too! It sounds like you are rather crafty - you could also take a class at a hobby place - here in the US we have Michael's or Hobby Lobby and they offer classes like quilting, cake decorating, frame making, etc. That doesn't guarantee you will make friends but at least will get you out of the house and talking to other people. You could also go to birthing classes, breastfeeding classes, infant CPR classes, usually those are free by the hospital or a small fee. There will probably be couples there but there might also be some other moms who are alone - what a better way to start chatting them up than to have that common ground of being there by yourself.

Anyway, those are just suggestions. I need to follow them myself. As far as your boyfriend goes... It just sounds like you have some real trouble communicating. I don't have a whole lot more to suggest other than what everyone else has said, but I can say that (most) men do grow up eventually. My DH and I had a lot of problems when I was pregnant with my first. But he has really come around now and he still goes out with his friends a lot but we have more of an understanding for each other's needs. We still fight, sometimes a lot, but we can always get past it. It really is about communication and being open and honest. It's really hard to get men to do that sometimes. And a lot of times when we are open and honest, their defense immediately comes up because they're feeling attacked and then we don't get anything out of them. Just try to suggest things that would make you happy rather than telling him what he's doing is wrong. Instead of, I hate how you always have time with your friends but not for me... try something like, It would make me so happy if we went and (played mini golf/went to a museum/etc)! And plan for it later in the week or something.

Men have to be told what you need. I can't tell you how many times my DH has told me he's not a mind reader, when there is something I think is totally obvious that he should know. So if he's telling you you're not fat, you're supposed to gain weight when pregnant, he might think that's what he's supposed to say and doesn't realize how good a compliment would make you feel. So tell him. "My confidence would soar if you told me I was pretty every now and then" and be sure to compliment him sometimes too. Believe me, it's been hard for me to "tell" him to "tell" me I'm pretty. Because I feel like if he thought that, then he would tell me, I shouldn't have to tell him because it's the thought that counts. But sometimes they just need a reminder. Good luck. Hopefully in time he will grow up a bit. I know it's hard in the mean time, but if you can find a way to communicate a bit better and compromise a bit, I think time will mature him into a good partner and daddy.

 

[Brightxeyes]

Thank you ladies!

I do want to try to go to some kind of class. I did want to go swimming and can't convince my pregnant friend (we don't hang out outside of work really) at work to come with me and I'm way to body conscious for swimming at least. But I will look at another kind of class! I know the hospital has a welcome thing to go to, so I'm gonna suggest me and him to go to that to kind of prepare ourselves (a tour of the maternity ward) and maybe it'll sink in it's happening soon for him.

I mean he doesn't go out with people every week, but in comparison to my social life he goes out a lot compared to me (I literally just go to work now). So yeah he's not going out as much as he probably would have before, but still when I do nothing outside of work and he never wants to do something with me then i notice it a lot more. Know what I mean?

Thing is two of his friends are now a couple, and I get on with the girl. I suggested going to the zoo, cuz she mentioned it, I love it, and my boyfriend thinks it's the most boring thing to so ever. But it's a really good walk around (it's on a massive hill and there's a castle) so not only is it exercise but it'll probably be a really good day out and we can chat and have ice lollies and feel a bit young still while we can. And the zoo has had a lot of investment recently so I know it's gona be different to all the other times I've been! He gets to hang out with two of his mates, but also me, and I get on with the girl like a house on fire. So it's a win win. Then there's a pub down the road which is nice so I'm sure they could have a beer and I can have a coke. But nope he's got no time or won't enjoy it at all.

I'm gonna suggest it again because I think it'd be something his friends can also persuade him into. And once he realises I'm happy because I'm spending time with him, and we have fun, hopefully he'll want to do something again.. Hopefully.

He is younger than me, he's 23 and I'm 25, but we're on the same level. We still want to have a bit of fun, but it's nice having the responsibility of our own house, his own business, and out of all the other guys I've ever been with, he's the perfect daddy to be in my eyes. He's wanted the baby from the very beginning with no doubts, really excited, could barely keep it a secret, and he has hopes and dreams of bringing him up and teaching him things. So I can't fault him for that. I just don't want us as a couple to fade away..

Like once the babies here then yeah, I do want to have the odd evening/night out (I enjoy nights out with him a lot not just girl friends) and have fun still. Or quieter nights with a drink and a couple of friends in. Like we used to. But it wouldn't be as often and it would be something to look forward to and plan ahead this time. I still want to be able to have fun. I don't want him to think that once baby's here I'm going to be a complete bore.
We already discussed that one day a week or every two weeks if his work load is full, is family day. And we'll have a family day out or even a lazy family day in where we just have a time out from work and just concentrate on us and the little one. Then say once a month we'll organise a night out together with friends or a date night just the two of us. Obviously depends on work load and money as to how often we actually stick to it. But it's something to look forward to and keeps a good balance for family, friends and us as a couple.

I'm just worried we're going to fail before baby is even here.
I know he's mainly working as much as he can before baby even arrives. Which is great. He wants to make it easier for himself after babies here. But that falls just before Xmas and I know he'll have llimited time anyway.

Le sigh.

Luckily one of my friends is back from Manchester next week. So that's something for me to look forward to!

It just gets super lonely especially when I have a couple of days off in a row, I notice it a lot more how lonely I am. Where as one day off by itself and I'm too busy thinkin let's have an early night cuz I have work tomorrow haha.

Earlier before I popped out to get an iron (I broke two in a week!!!) he have me a hug before I went. After we'd not spoke all night and all today. And we're going to make burritos in a bit so he might have a bit of time to just relax after dinner maybe.. Hopefully. Have a bit of a chat..

 

[Brightxeyes]

Thank you though guys feel a bit better. I just need to keep busy.. Hopefully it'll feel better once we're a proper family. I know he'll make time for family day.. And at the moment it's a case of work work work and then random outings with his friends. Just wish he had the odd random outing with me?