Dont know what to do?

[Smiler79]

Hi girls I am hoping some of you night be able to give me some advice.

On 21st March (week on Sat) I am due to go out for leaving drinks for my best friend who is about to go round the world for a year. I really want to go but the problem is that another friend that will be there is pregnant. She is about 28 weeks and is about three weeks ahead of where I would be if I was still pregnant.

I am really happy that she is having a healthy pregnancy but I dont think I can cope with seeing her with her bump when I feel so completely empty. Iwas hoing I would be pregant again by now (had miscarriage in OCt 09) but I am not.

I tried talking to DH who up until now has been really understanding and supportive but he doesnt seem to undersatnd what I am upset about. Its like he feels I should have got over our miscarraige by now.

Sorry for waffling on but I have no one else who I can talk to.

 

[TripleB]

Hey Smiler. I completely understand where you are coming from. One of my close friends is about 6 weeks ahead of where I would have been and I can't bring myself to see her. I feel guilty about it as under normal circumstances I would love to be sharing her pregnancy with her but I find that I am not even emailing her or texting her because I can't bear to here about it. I don't think OH's realise how quite how almost anything related to babies hurts when you've lost a child and are TTC another, its just different for them I suppose.

Not sure what to suggest really. If you really think you can't cope with seeing your friend then you shouldn't put yourself in a position that will upset you. Just wanted you to know you are not alone in feeling like this.

xxx

 

[Smiler79]

Thank you Triple B

I know exactly what you mean. I sent my friend one email after she announced she was pregnanat (which was 3 days after my miscarraige) tellin gher that I would find it hard to be in touch woth her and I have not spoken to her since.

I desparatley want to go on 21 st a the drinks are for my best friend who has supported me through all the tough times in my life but I dont want to ruin her day by gettin all upset.

 

[TripleB]

That's tricky when your BF has been so good to you through the tough times. Maybe you could arrange something separate for you to send her off - go out for dinner or something? I suppose there is an argument that it might be a milestone for you to go and see your other friend but that's a very brave approach. x

 

[africaqueen]

It is a difficult situation and i knw how u feel as i tried to get pregnant for 4yrs and lots of family an friends had 2 babies within that time and since i lost our baby in jan, i get a little sad seeing my pregnant friends, but... and this sounds harsh... life goes on and u cnt avoid pregnant women as its a fact of life that there will be women who are pregnant around u sometimes the way i deal with this is to think- they might be pregnant but that is making no difference to my life and will not change the fact i lost my baby. They are pregnant with their own child and what is happening in their life has no bearing on mine. When the time is right, i will get pregnant and that is what matters.
I keep saying this to myself and it does bring my sadness and jealousy into perspective.
I hope i have not offended u, i just wanted to share a train of thought which has helped me survive ;-) xxx

 

[kanga]

I agree with the other girls
Could you go along for a bit and see your friend and just avoid the pregnant person. That way you show up for your friend but you dont put yourself in the position of having to see the pregnant lady
hugs to you hun x

 

[hb1]

Hey Smiler - if you are friends with the pg friend too maybe dip your toe in the water ahead of the event and go for a coffee with her and see how you are with it? - you might find it isn't as bad as you expect - all the pg and baby events for me haven't been as bad as I expected in my head beforehand.

If you are ok you'll be able to go to the party without all the stresses you're feeling now.

hx

 

[AS1]

Hey smiler

I think anyone whos had mc/s can totally understand your position. I've had 3 mc and over the 18mths or so I have felt the way you do many times.....what I have learnt is that sometimes you surprise yourself and things aren't as bad as you expect. It may be hard but chances are you won't break down with the girl whos pregnant, but if you really do feel you're not able to cope then you may have to consider giving it a miss. You have to do whats right for you....let us know what you decide

 

[goddess25]

FIrstly I am so sorry for your loss, i agree I dont think our partners really understand how it affects us, there is a few things i would suggest and i am sorry if someone else has said it i dont read other replys alot of the time.

You could meet up with the pregnant friend for a short time before hand for lunch or something to make it a bit easier for you at the party. You might find the thinking about it is worse than the dealing with it and seeing her.

OR

The party is for your best friend, i am sure she will understand if you cant make it to her party but you could arrange something really special for the two of you so she knows that you care for her and will miss her.

 

[Smiler79]

Thank you girls for all your advice.

I have just emailed my pregnant friend. I asked her how her pregnancy was going and said I was looking forward o seeing her but also told her my concerns and worries about seeing her bump. Hopefully she will reply and be understanding and then it might make meeting up a litlle less awkward.

In the meantime I ahve spoken to hubby again. He says he does understand how I am feeling but just worries that I get myself worked up about how I might feel when something happens rather than just going with it and seing what has happened.

He is coming woth me to the drinks and has promisedme that he will suport me and if I get too upset then he will make excuses for us and will take me home. So I think I will go and just see what happens. It could end up being much easier than I am worrying about.

I will keeo you all poated as to how it turns out and if my friend emails me back.

Sending everyone lots of baby dust!! Must go now though as otherwise |I will be late for workxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[TripleB]

Hey Smiler, well done you for emailing your pregnant friend. Let us know what she says. Glad that you talked it through with DH and great that he'll be there to support you. At the end of the day I think their main concern is for us while we worry about our losses and conceiving again, just different ways of handling it but still a lot of stress! x

 

[Smiler79]

HI girls just thought I would give you an update.

I got an email back form my friend sayin gshe understands that htings are going to be difficult for me but that she has missed me and would really like to see me on Sunday.

Therefore I am going to be brave and go. There are going to be quite a few of us there so that should help the tension a bit and hubby has said if things get too hard he will make excusess for us to leave.

I will let you know how it goes on monday xxxxx

 

[TripleB]

That's great Smiler - at least if its too tough for you your friend will know you've made the effort and understand the quick exit. Be brave hun - I think you might feel quite proud of yourself afterwards! x

 

[Rainbowpea]

That's good news, onwards and upwards! Sounds like she is nice Well done, you are being so brave

 

[Blu10]

Hi smiler, I mc last week and my SIL is due next week! Dreading visiting her and baby once he's born, mainly because I know I'll be jealous as hell x

 

[Smiler79]

Hi girls just thought you would like an update on how things went with my friend yesterday. It was really really hard but I managed to stay for an hour and a half before it all got too much.

My freind was really thoughtful and tried not to mention the baby while I was there but she had a very tight top on and it was impossible not to noticve the baby moving.

I am hoping that now I havebeen able to face her I might be able to start coming to terms with my miscarriage a bit better now. However it only took us 3 months to fall pregnant last time and it has already been 5 months since the miscarriage so I am starting to get a bit paranoid about not being able to get pregnant again.

Just want to say a big thank you to you all for your advice. It really helped.

Onwards and upwards!!!!!

 

[TripleB]

Well done Smiler, a difficult milestone overcome! As you say, onwards and upwards - try not to think that its been 5 months since your MC and therefore you haven't fallen as quickly as last time. My doctor said to me that MC puts a strain on the body which it has to recover from, you're not back to day one following a MC. I hope your BFP is just around the corner! xxx

 

[lightweight]

It sounds like you did exactly the right thing.

I know how you feel, one of my good friends is p/g and is 2 weeks behind where I should have been. I haven't seen her since January (when we were both p/g but hadn't told people) but have had one e-mail conversation with her about it. But, I am kind of dreading seeing her in some ways - which feels odd as I normally I'd really look forward to it. They haven't really told many people that she's p/g yet, so I'm also dreading her turning up to the pub or something and everyone congratulating her.
I feel like I'm doing well with everything else, but have this one horrible thing to get over.

And you're right about OH's not understanding - just a different species!!!!

Sending you lots of babydust xx