I lost my baby on the 23rd Oct 2008. At 10 weeks. Baby died at 9 weeks. That sounds so very long ago. But for me it was only yesterday. That was the worst time in my life. And these past 7 months have been the worst of my life. In the past 6 weeks or so iv been "OK". Buy delibratly trying not to think about how far i would be and how wonderful life would about to become. But now the EDD is so very very near. Im afraid about what im ment to do after? Iv spent 7 months thinking about how far along i would be. What am i to do after? Iv been mourning the death of my little Angel for so long that i almost feel so stupid that in a way i feel iv not really grieved. And i havent. But just dont know what to do.
Iv ordered a tebby bear wreath with white and yellow flowers for to put on my other half's brothers grave. So i have somewhere to go on sunday. And im hoping il feel like iv done something special on the day i should have been giving birth for real and bringing baby home.I dont even know if my Angel baby will know i love he or she. Though i hope on that special and sad day my Angel baby will be there with me. I think over the past few weeks iv sort of been preparing my self for the terrible day. Im scared of the future im scared of how iv been acting and im scared of my thoughts. I just want my baby is that to much for god to do? I see loads of terrible people having kids. On the telly in the papers. Why did god give them kids and not us?
When i cry its like its my soul weeping. The pain in my chest is because my heart is broken. I want to scream at everyone like a mad women sometimes.
At just how unfair it is. I cant even describe how unfair it is for women to lose there babies.
And its like a secret sociaty I mean that we have to pretend to be ok. No-one really knows how we feel.
Sorry for such a long and moaning rant. Just needed to get it out. Have a good cry an that.
to you all.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Iv ordered a tebby bear wreath with white and yellow flowers for to put on my other half's brothers grave. So i have somewhere to go on sunday. And im hoping il feel like iv done something special on the day i should have been giving birth for real and bringing baby home.I dont even know if my Angel baby will know i love he or she. Though i hope on that special and sad day my Angel baby will be there with me. I think over the past few weeks iv sort of been preparing my self for the terrible day. Im scared of the future im scared of how iv been acting and im scared of my thoughts. I just want my baby is that to much for god to do? I see loads of terrible people having kids. On the telly in the papers. Why did god give them kids and not us?
When i cry its like its my soul weeping. The pain in my chest is because my heart is broken. I want to scream at everyone like a mad women sometimes.
At just how unfair it is. I cant even describe how unfair it is for women to lose there babies. And its like a secret sociaty I mean that we have to pretend to be ok. No-one really knows how we feel.
Sorry for such a long and moaning rant. Just needed to get it out. Have a good cry an that.
to you all.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
