Emotional (with good reason) but hate feeling like this

[MrsJ08]

Sweetheart you are still grieving and all your feelings are completely normal and rational. I wanted to echo what AnnaMatronic said - have you considered some bereavement counselling? I understand what you mean about not crying in front of people and finding it hard to talk about your feelings. When my Grandfather died, I really didn't grieve properly, I had other things going on at the time and it was easier to just put it to the back of my mind and ignore it. I was having problems at work and had just met my now DH so I had plenty of other distractions to keep my mind occupied. It took about two years but eventually it caught up with me and when it did, it hit me like a train. It was actually when my Great Aunt and Godmother died so I assumed the way I was feeling was purely down to her death but the feeling seemed too big somehow to just be about her. Although I was very fond of her we didn't spend enough time together for the strength of my feelings to make sense. It took a while but eventually I realised that the death of my Aunt had brought back all the unresolved feelings I had about my Grandad's death as we were incredibly close and it happened very quickly (less than a month from diagnosis to death) I then realised I had to confront it and deal with my feelings rather than suppressing them. A big part of that was talking about it, the only person I felt able to talk to was my DH. Strangely, the fact that he had never met my Grandad somehow made it easier for me to talk to him because I didn't feel I was burdening him and adding to his grief. I would have felt exactly the same way as you if I had talked to my family. That's what makes me think you might find things easier if you spoke to a bereavement councillor or if you don't feel you can do that, perhaps a close friend?

I'm sure your Mum is watching over you and would be proud of the way you have coped. I was talking to my Grandma the other day (this is her first great-grandchild) and she said to me - "you know your Grandfather would have loved this, especially as you were his first Grandchild". I'm not remotely religious but I do believe he is still with me in many ways and I can picture his excitement and the way he would have been with the baby. It makes me feel closer to him somehow.

On the subject of the mutated gene, I think you need to put it to the back of your mind for now and not make a decision until you feel ready to deal with it. It's a bit spooky to be honest but my DH has just been diagnosed with an illness that is caused by a faulty gene and we have been having to come to terms with the fact that our baby has a 50% chance of carrying the gene too. So, although it doesn't effect me directly, it does indirectly so I can empathise with your feelings regarding that situation too. Please feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk. Sending you big

 

[Shellsby]

Sending you big

 

[babytots]

Sending you big sweetie x

 

[mystika802]

I can't say I know exactly how you feel but I do know what watching someone you love die before your eyes is like. My grandfather, my best friend, died of esophagus cancer, I watched him fade away for years, its was horrible. My mother has fought ovarian cancer and had a scare with a lump that was removed from her breast, my aunt just finished her chemo for breast cancer, my grandmother had a breast removed from breast cancer, my uncle died from what started as breast cancer and they didnt find it and he ended up dieing from lung cancer, I have a great aunt, also died from lung cancer and the list in my family goes on and on and on.
I can't imagine what you are going through, not having your mother there while you are pregnant and when you have the baby has got to be so hard! But shes watching you and even though you think she wont meet her grandchild Im sure she sees all of you happy, together, and thats what she would want.
We started the genetic testing in my family, we went back as far as we could and they continue the testing from the oldest generation we could. Its hard to go through it knowing that you could be told your chances of having the gene are 100% but then they can monitor you. My mother has the gene and gets tested every month, that way if anything changes they can find it really early.
Hang in there, cry when you need to, for me, it always helps. And when you need someone to talk to.....we are all here for you!

 

[emmi26]

hey hun
so sorry yr feeling down but its completely normal. its not the same but my nan died from cancer she was the worlds greatest knitter she could knit a cardigan for baby in 2 hours never looking at the needles only watching eastenders!! i was out the other day and i realized i havn't bought enough baby blankets yet and that was it i was crying because i knew my nan would have knitted a hundred cardigans and blankets by now !! i remember being little and watching her knit beautiful shawls for people having babies and thinking i cant wait till nan has to knit my baby one !!!
i wont get my shawl but the one thought that has cheered me up is a friend of hers is knitting me a shawl my nan would have picked it to pieces i can just see her sat there saying look at this what was she thinking !!! only my nans knitting was good enough anyone elses and she sat there like the grand critic !!
anyway the point is i learnt a long time ago to remember my nan as she was her beautiful happy smiling loud self !!! not the frightened cancer victim.
hun try and remember yr mum at her very best not sick not scared just happy and keep that memory then use it just think how happy she would be that yr pregnant. shes watching over you and bubs x x x x

 

[Beth8ny]

Thats such a sad story! I can't really say I relate because I still have both my parents but my husbands mum and dad both died of cancer when they were 60, within a few years of each other so I have seen him go through something similar. I know deep down he is devastated that our baby will only have one set of grandparents and sometimes I get really upset, more for him really than anything else.
I think its great that you believe your mum is somewhere watching over you though, I hope there will be something either at the birth of your son or after that gives you a sign that she is there and still a very proud grandma.
And dont feel bad about crying - cry as much as you need, maybe with your dad or your husband. Better to let it all out I think

Big hugs to ya xxx

 

[DottyLottie]

Big hugs to you sweetheart.
I moan about my mum all the time, but reading your post kinda puts things into perspective a little...

I have no real advice for you, I cannot imagine how you must feel. It sounds like you have a lot of love and support around you, and you are a good strong woman with lots to look forward to, you will be ok!
I would get the test after baby, I would want to know and I would, like you, have a mastectomy if it meant it would kep me safe. Thank goodness you have an option to find out how susceptible you are and a chance to act on it.

I am really really sorry for your loss XxX

 

[butterfly812]

I am so sorry for your loss. Grief lingers. Nobody understands your pain, they did at the funeral, but they don't now; they don't understand. The pain comes without warning, no notice...and you're saying good-bye all over again. Grief lingers because you are dealing with more than memories, you are dealing with un-lived tomorrows. More than a mom died, dreams died. It's good to cry and breakdown, your mom did over your nan and she was right, because grief is a process. Crying/grieving allows you to heal where you're at (seeing her being a grandma, having her being there for you during your pregnancy...etc). It'll hit you randomly throughout your life, just know that's its a good thing and that it's part of the process of healing. Yes, you miss her but you've also been robbed dreams and the way it was "suppose" to be. These are burdens we were never meant to carry...it's hard. But just know, ironically, the 1st to accept the decision of God's death is the one who dies. While we are morning at the grave, they are marveling in heaven. I don't believe time heals, I believe allowing yourself to cry and grieve does. Don't feel bad when you have hard days, try to welcome them and know you are one step closer to finding peace and healing.

Hold your memories of her tight, while you gather and make more hun! She's with you and always will be. xoxoxo

 

[mama.bear]

massive to you hun x
just remember how loved you are, by so many - your mum, your babe, your DH, and fam just to name a few... as alone as you may feel at times, you're never alone

 

[Cookie1979]

thanks everyone. I appreciate all the replies, I definitely feel better after getting my thoughts and feelings out there. I dont expect to magically feel ok, but my baby boy really will go a long way to healing me. In many ways I'm lucky, I have a husband that loves me, a baby on the way, a family who are there for me and who really do care, we have a lovely 3 bedroom house, some good friends, and two annoying but cute cats. There are many positives in my life and although they can't take away the grief, the good things in my life make it easier.

I'll never stop missing my mum, nothing will take the unfairness of it away or make it ok, but I do think with time it will be more bearable.

As for grief counselling, its something I have thought about but haven't done yet, I dont know if I will, but I feel right now isn't the right time, perhaps after the baby is born I will feel its time. I know right now I might mostly think I'm coping with it, but I'm aware that without help it can end up getting too much, it happened to my friends dad who lost his son, 2 years on he finally got counselling and it helped alot. Really though I want my dad to have grief counselling, he's not going for it now, but I'm not giving up on it, he's stubborn but so am I.

 

[spacecadet]

Yes the memories of the last moments do hurt when you think about them but over time fade to a less painful ache.. I take comfort that the drugs she was on at the time made her not 'with it' so she wasn't too scared or in pain, more of a morphine filled haze.. It's us that can't bear it.. I just try not to think about it
I do feel that I didn't cry or grieve properly at the time and maybe still haven't properly but I couldn't and still can't share my innermost grief with anyone, I did see a counsellor but felt a bit daft talking about things with a total stranger.. The only person I would have been able to talk about it with had gone..
I think I am just a strong person and deal with things my own way looking at the positives like you, one thing I think is I made a lot of changes when we went, moved 100's of miles away on my own on the day of the funeral, went to uni some years later and really strived hard to succeed, If she was still around my life would be very different,
I like to think she is extremely proud of me for what I have achieved..
Be strong when you need to but don't hold back the tears when you feel them, they do help.. Sending so many hugs you sound like a very strong person and have all our respects, your little girl will always know her nanny through you xxxxxxx