Experience with an Au Pair? & I'm freaking out a bit.

[CanadianFilly]

I've got a 17 month old toddler and I'm 7 months pregnant with my second. We just got an Au Pair who arrived a week ago. I'm a stay at home Mom but we won't have any family coming to help with the second one arrives so we thought it would be useful to have someone that could help out with our toddler as I get more pregnant, when I go into labour and also in the first 6 weeks with a newborn.

I've never had anyone else caring for my DS except for my DH. I'm totally comfortable leaving him with DH but that's it. We interviewed some babysitter/nannies in the past but felt that we couldn't just meet someone and then leave DS with them.

Our Au Pair is 18 yrs old but has a lot of experience caring for young babies/children. She's lived with us for 1 week and helped me out with DS and I felt she is good with him and has good judgement. A few days ago she took him out for a buggy walk for the first time on her own. I was nervous but felt it had to happen. As luck would have it exactly when she was out we had a pretty strong earthquake here in NZ. I called her cell to see how she handled it and got her voice mail. Me: extremely nervous at that point. However she did see the missed call and called me back in 1/2 hr, said she didn't notice the earthquake. Its totally possible as you tend to feel them stronger in upper floors of a building than on the ground. I chalked it up to bad luck.

Today we tried again, she went out for a buggy walk. She agreed to have her cell phone more handy, said she was going to the park, would be back at X time and was meeting another Au Pair there. She just came back at the time she said she would but said it was a bit cold so she ended up going to the other Au Pairs house instead of the park! I have no idea of the location, who this person is, who the family or kid is. She did say they had a dog though which is bad too, dog I don't know. I'm very upset and trying to calm down before I speak to her so I get past my initial reaction. Not sure how much of it is pregnancy hormones, I'm now thinking that it was completely a bad idea to think I could rely on the judgement of an 18 yr old to care for my son.

I guess I just needed to vent a bit but maybe some of you have had Au Pairs and it has worked out? I know on the surface it sounds very spoiled for me to be not working and have an Au Pair but we really wanted to have a good plan in place for our toddler when the second one arrives. I remember from last time there were two people from my antenatal group who had big dramas surrounding the birth of their first child (1 very early, 1 sick newborn) and they really relied on family support during that time.

Any words of wisdom? Any nice way to tell her she can't just take our DS anywhere without asking first or changing her plan? I would prefer she just go out for a buggy walk not go meeting people with DS I don't know anyways.

 

[JASMAK]

Well, in my experience, an au pair is a mother's helper...when the mom is around for the most part. Whether she is in the house with you, or not...an au pair is to help the mom out. My mom had one as she had us twins (my sister and I) and my brother was 23 months...so three kids under two. She would go to the park too, with my mom...or watch us while she spent time with my brother playing. She would even do a smidgen of cleaning. I think you need to write a list of what you want her for. If you want to spend time with your son at the park, but need her to watch while you have an afternoon rest? Or, if you are working from home and need her to keep watch on the baby? Otherwise, it is more 'babysitting' and different expectations. As far as the earthquake...we get them here...and yes, not everyone feels them. But, her going somewhere else...that wouldnt be okay with me. So, tell her. But, if you worrying, shes not really 'helping you that much.....and perhaps an au pair, although it sounds glitzy to you...might not really be your type of parenting.

 

[Wilsey]

No experience but I would just talk to her about how you're hoping it is all going to work. I'm sure she'll understand.

P.S. I'm in Wellington and that earthquake was quite a doozy!!

 

[lhancock90]

For this to work you have to be honest, explain that you are uncomfortable with her taking LO to another's home?

Xx

 

[_jellybean_]

I'll be blunt (and probably sound like an awful person). I'd fire her. I'd be soooo...not okay with someone taking my baby to someone's house I didn't know without my permission, that I'd want to find someone else.

I know that young girls can be mature, but I'd probably want someone a bit older than 18 if they were going to take my lo out without me.



I agree though with Hancock--you do have to be honest with her.

 

[Celesse]

I think at 18 you can be a bit naive with life. She probably didn't even consider it would be an issue to go to home with another Au Pair.... which I guess is pretty worrying.

I think you need to sit down with her and be completely frank with what you expect and don't expect, what is acceptable and what is not. Maybe write it down in a bit of a contract of expectations, this is what you expect from her, this is what she can expect from you.

Best get it sorted now, or it will probably become un-liveable.

 

[weewdy]

I would talk to her if it really bothers you and tell her whats expected of her.
But in my opinion you have employed this person to care for your child which she is doing. I dont think its practical for her to tell you everytime she goes somewhere different from planned. For example she told you she went to an au pairs house because it was really cold, i would prefer that to her keeping my child out in the cold. If you plan on leaving her with your child whilst you give birth do you expect her to contact you and tell you everything he is doing and where they are going? I have never dealt with au pairs so i could be completely wrong in my opinion.

 

[sparkle_1979]

I would just have a chat with her. I wouldn't have been happy either but I'd be nice about the way I approached it.

I'd maybe just have her help you out, if you need a lie down, shopping but ask for her to stay home while you do what you need to

Maybe just have her doing jobs around the house while you take your child out xx

 

[suzib76]

I think it's a shame that the situation has gone like this

Regardless of her age, she needs to be told, as an 'employee' EXACTLY. What is expected of her

In my honest opinion I don't think she did anything wrong at all, she doesn't know what you think unless you tell her

 

[Itsychik]

I was an au pair when I was 23 (I'm 30 now) so maybe I have a unique perspective on this.

I'm not sure what 'kind' of previous experience your au pair has (i.e. has she been a live-in nanny/au pair before? Or has she just done day care or individual babysitting?) because it's quite possible that the people she has previously worked for absolutely didn't mind her taking their children somewhere.

When I was an au pair I cared for 3 children while their parents were at work, so from 7am - 5pm I more or less did 'whatever I wanted' with the children without discussing with their parents. Granted this was quite different than what you have because you're also home, but some days we went to the park or playground, some days I took the children to play with their friends, and some days when the older 2 were in school (they were 6 and 8 years old) I took the youngest (who had just turned 3 years old) with me to another house nearby where another au pair worked that I met (she also cared for 3 children). I always told my host parents when they got home what we did during the day, but they more-or-less left the decisions during the day up to me. (I also did some light cleaning, laundry for the kids, etc)

This was quite a common way for the au pairs where I worked to handle things, so I don't think there's anything "wrong" with the way your au pair handled it. As a mother to a toddler (2.5 years old) and I am also 35 weeks pregnant, I can TOTALLY understand the anxiety you would experience of letting her take your DS out on her own. But I think that before you get angry or upset with the au pair, it would be good to sit down with her (in a relaxed manner) to explain that you're still a little nervous about letting your DS go out with someone other than you/your DH so you would appreciate if, for now, she didn't go anywhere without first discussing with you. It's your child, and your rules, and it's absolutely important that you feel comfortable with letting your au pair care for your child regardless of where she takes him (i.e. if she's going on a buggy walk, you should be able to feel confident in her ability to care for him and make responsible decisions) but it's unfair and unrealistic to expect her to make all the same decisions that you would want her to make without first explaining these to her and setting some 'ground rules' if needed.

We have a babysitter who comes to care for our DS (after we put him to bed, so just there really in case of emergencies) but she's 15 years old, and I myself was 12 years old when I first started babysitting (2 kids in my neighborhood who were 5 and 7 at the time) so while 18 might feel young, it should be old enough to make responsible decisions and to care for one young child. I think it might just be a little nerve wracking to get used to having someone else (who is practically still a stranger to you) taking your toddler out of your sight (I would feel the same way!) It might just take a little getting used to, but I hope you can make it work

 

[Noodlebear]

I agree that you should speak to her and set the boundaries. However, I think it's totally wrong to be factoring her age into this, she could be 50 and will still be likely to make mistakes while she is still getting used to your expectations. You chose her because she has experience and you said yourself she is good with your LO.

 

[SarahP13]

Totally agree with Itsychik, as an ex nanny and au pair, it is hard to know what families want unless they spell it out. As a mother I can understand your nervousness/anger/upset but I think you need to be fair to her. As your trust in her grows you will become more relaxed but for now she needs to know your concerns.

Explain that this is a new situation and you would appreciate her letting you know of any changes to the discussed plans. That you appreciate her considering her child becoming cold but you need her to call before changing her plans.

If you think it will help you could even ask for a text every 30 mins when she's out to update you - not for forever but til you get used to it all.

I was 18 when I first had an au pair job and I had freedom to make small day to day decisions. I was completely responsible and always happy to keep the mum informed. Her age shouldn't be an issue really.

If, however, you are not comfortable after a few weeks then let her go but I think its unfair to fire her when she hasn't broken any 'rules'.

 

[sophie0909uk]

I worked as an aupair when i was 17. I first looked after a little 18 month old girl, her mum was heavily pregnant & stayed at home. (quite an identical situation to yours)... I used to take the girl out and about, and the mum didnt bat an eyelid. We always made sure we talked though, so we both knew where we stood. Then i was working in turkey. I looked after a 5 year old boy while his mum was at work. He was at school during the day, so i tidied up and done as i pleased. When the boy got home, i used to take him out and do what we wanted. On weekends we used to get dressed, go shopping with his mum, then me and the boy would go out and grab some lunch, or go and pick a toy if he had been good. His mum only questioned our where abouts once, and that was when i took him to the cinema. We lost track of time and it was dark by the time the film finished.

An aupair is like a big sister really. Once you get to know her better, you will trust her to do things with your son without having to run it by you. Until then, just have a chat with her and find out what she done with previous children. Or just tag along with her one day to meet her aupair friend. It may ease your mind a bit. She needs to know if you are not happy with her doing certain things. An aupair can have very different rules in one job compared to another. xx

 

[StarlitHome]

I was a nanny for a few summers (for the same family), both parents worked but I could contact either of them at any time during the day. If I was taking my charge out, I'd leave a note (the mom had weird hours) saying where we'd headed. And I never took my charge to another home (even my own family's) without letting the parents know!
But - these were things we'd gone over right at the beginning of me taking the job. The parents laid out what they expected, and I stuck to that.

 

[RachA]

I was an au pair when I was 23 (I'm 30 now) so maybe I have a unique perspective on this.

I'm not sure what 'kind' of previous experience your au pair has (i.e. has she been a live-in nanny/au pair before? Or has she just done day care or individual babysitting?) because it's quite possible that the people she has previously worked for absolutely didn't mind her taking their children somewhere.

When I was an au pair I cared for 3 children while their parents were at work, so from 7am - 5pm I more or less did 'whatever I wanted' with the children without discussing with their parents. Granted this was quite different than what you have because you're also home, but some days we went to the park or playground, some days I took the children to play with their friends, and some days when the older 2 were in school (they were 6 and 8 years old) I took the youngest (who had just turned 3 years old) with me to another house nearby where another au pair worked that I met (she also cared for 3 children). I always told my host parents when they got home what we did during the day, but they more-or-less left the decisions during the day up to me. (I also did some light cleaning, laundry for the kids, etc)

This was quite a common way for the au pairs where I worked to handle things, so I don't think there's anything "wrong" with the way your au pair handled it. As a mother to a toddler (2.5 years old) and I am also 35 weeks pregnant, I can TOTALLY understand the anxiety you would experience of letting her take your DS out on her own. But I think that before you get angry or upset with the au pair, it would be good to sit down with her (in a relaxed manner) to explain that you're still a little nervous about letting your DS go out with someone other than you/your DH so you would appreciate if, for now, she didn't go anywhere without first discussing with you. It's your child, and your rules, and it's absolutely important that you feel comfortable with letting your au pair care for your child regardless of where she takes him (i.e. if she's going on a buggy walk, you should be able to feel confident in her ability to care for him and make responsible decisions) but it's unfair and unrealistic to expect her to make all the same decisions that you would want her to make without first explaining these to her and setting some 'ground rules' if needed.

We have a babysitter who comes to care for our DS (after we put him to bed, so just there really in case of emergencies) but she's 15 years old, and I myself was 12 years old when I first started babysitting (2 kids in my neighborhood who were 5 and 7 at the time) so while 18 might feel young, it should be old enough to make responsible decisions and to care for one young child. I think it might just be a little nerve wracking to get used to having someone else (who is practically still a stranger to you) taking your toddler out of your sight (I would feel the same way!) It might just take a little getting used to, but I hope you can make it work

I think this post is excellent.

 

[CanadianFilly]

Thanks everyone for the responses. My husband and I had a chat with her, tried to keep it friendly and light and explained why changing the plan doesn't work for us & why taking our toddler somewhere we don't know worried us.

Our Au Pair does seem really responsible and experienced with young children, I agree with many of you that said age isn't such a big factor. There are many people in their 30s and beyond I wouldn't leave DS with! It was good that she thought it was getting cold at the park, but I would have expected her to simply head back to our house not go somewhere else instead. She's helping me out part time, for a few hours a day not full days so I do want to know where she'll be and when if she's going to take DS out.

We did sit down with her at the beginning and talk about expectations but now I realize that it was more about the routine of our DS, what's allowed and not allowed in the home. I thought a buggy walk to the park would just mean that, didn't think to spell out anything more but now we have. I'm glad I waited to talk to her though, I don't think it would have come out right when she got back and told me they had a wonderful time at another Au Pairs house!

 

[lhancock90]

Glad you've sorted it.