Faith, Hope and Infertility

[eternaldream]

I was wondering if anyone was interested in starting a spiritual thread? We could talk about how faith has helped us with infertility or discuss women in the bible with infertility...etc. Anyone interested?

 

[terces]

Sounds like a good idea. A friend reminded me of the story of Hannah. She was weeping and waling so much that Eli thought she was drunk. God did bless her with Samuel. I've tried so hard to keep my faith up while going through the struggles of TTC. I at times have a hard time. I feel neglected by God and wonder why He would let me go through this. Then, I will remember that He's in control. It's still hard, but I am trying to keep my faith strong. I have my first appointment with a specialist on Monday. I have to drive 2 hours to get to him, but I'm told he is very good.

 

[eternaldream]

Yes Hannah is a big inspiration to me.

Right now I'm trying really hard to remember that God has a plan for me and he knows what's best. It's hard because I want a baby now, but God is the only one who knows when the right time is.

I went for my end of cycle check up today feeling really good, just to find out I didn't even ovulate. And its days like this I wonder why would God allow me to go through this. Well I don't know, but I do know he doesn't like to see me hurt. I do think my faith has grown through all of this and it's made me a lot stronger than I thought I could be.

Glad your going to a specialist. Do you know why you have infertility?

 

[No Doubt]

Ooh, I want in ladies! This is cycle 21 for me...I actually had to go back through all of my months of charting. I thought I was at 24 or somewhere around there. Anyway...off topic. This month I decided to take a break for several reasons. First because I had a HUGE breakdown last cycle when we got a bfn after our first IUI. I expected it to be worse because of the IUI, but it was HORRIBLE...so bad that my husband wouldn't even let me go to work. So we went for another IUI and it was a bfn, but this past month after my breakdown, I decided to really get back to me, seeing how I realized that ttc was truly starting to control my life. I lived by the day, the test, the stick...anything ttc was a waiting game, right down to waiting to fall asleep so I could wake up and poas.

Where am I going with this? I woke up a couple days before af and told the hubby that I didn't think this cycle was going to work out, even though things felt different, and that I wanted to take a break from the meds and docs and what not. He asked why and I simply told him because the past month was way less stressful for me and him, and I really enjoyed it and wanted more. (This is the first thing...) He agreed and so that's what we're doing until summer.

We did a lot of talking over the past month which gave me great insight to him and myself which is where I think some of my relaxation came from, and for the first time I made it through an entire cycle without testing and when af came I never cried. That was four days ago and I still haven't. And I feel great.

So here's where it gets interesting. One of the talks me and the hubby had was me telling him that for a few months I felt like God was telling me to take my hands off of it. I've always been so afraid of a break thinking about the "what ifs" if I didn't keep going, but every month, that feeling got stronger. So I finally told hubby and he said he had been feeling the same way...like we were supposed to take our hands off of it. Last cycle I called myself doing that cause I wasn't stressing, but I was still trying different things, testing, the IUI...blah blah blah... When af came I felt like God was saying "I told you to take your hands off of it. I'm not going to do anything until you do."

So we did, and this is the best I've felt emotionally and mentally since we started ttc.

So what I realized is just because I want to take a break, doesn't mean I don't want my baby (this was number one). God really showed me that, cause that's what I always felt like...like I was giving up.

The next thing God did was remind me of times that He has provided for me in the past. He reminded me that everytime something big or important has gone on in my life there has always been turmoil or craziness before it. Then just when I think all hope is lost, God shows up and does what He does best. And if He's done it in the past, there's no reason He won't do it again.

Ever since I keep thinking about Sarah (Sarai) and how God told Abraham that she would bear him a son which she did at 90...90!!!! If God can work that miracle...If God could make Mary, mother of Jesus, pregnant while a virgin then surely He could do the same for me.

We are still trying while on break, after all you have to do a little something something to get pg, but we are truly trusting and believing in God for our miracle...it's what He specializes in!

 

[eternaldream]

Hey nodoubt. I'm glad you're taking time for yourself mentally and emotionally. My dh and I have just started trying again after a year break. Fertile people don't understand how mentally and emotionally painful this is.

I love how you said that just when you think all hope is lost God shows up. It's so true. I think God gave us this struggle for a reason, and although we don't know what the reason is, it's part of a greater plan for our lives. I also know that if God doesn't give me more than I can handle.

I think its awesome too how many cases of infertility their are in the bible and each God provided for all of them.

 

[terces]

I agree with letting God take control, but that is really hard for me right now. I'm in probably the darkest place I've been so far on this journey. I've gone to the specialist now and found out that what my OBGYN wasn't concerned with were his #1 concerns. That being my DH sperm count. So, between myself and my husband chances of a "natural" conception are low. I hoped at my appointment with the specialist that I would get answers, but all I got were more tests and waiting. I sat and listened as the nurse explained everything to me and tried to comprehend how this could be happening.

My mind knows that God knows what he is doing, but my heart aches so much it feels like it's been stomped on. I feel like screaming out and asking God why!??! Why my DH and I? Why are we the ones that have to ache to hold a child, but not have one? Why is it that a friends 14 yr old can get pregnant and have no way to support a child? Why do we get to essentially pay for that child through taxes? Nothing makes sense anymore to me. I've tried so hard to be happy and optimistic. But, I feel myself slipping into more and more anger. All I want is to wake up from this nightmare. I'm sure you ladies have been in this place before. The place where you are so completely drained and empty that nothing truly makes you smile and feel like you used too.

And, I know this part sounds silly, but I get on facebook and people post their "problems." I want to say REALLY, you are sad that your car didn't start or that your family decided to sell their 2nd home that isn't even used all the time.

I want so badly for my heart to understand God is in control, but it hurts so much that I feel like so is He. I know He never leaves us, but where is He?

 

[No Doubt]

Oh, terces...hun I am so sorry. I have to be honest, I've read through a lot of people's problems/issues/hurt on this forum and while they all start to sound the same and everyone really has the same problem...can't get preggo...your post really got to me.

You are right, we have all been there, but what I will say is that you haven't hit rock bottom. When you do, you will know. And I don't mean rock bottom it will never happen for you. I mean rock bottom, you're ready to let God have His way.

I hit that all time low at the beginning of my last cycle. I mean I was low...to the point where I honestly scared myself...not to mention my husband. He wouldn't let me go to work and then didn't go himself cause he was so worried about me. I felt like a zombie for a few days, just walking through my everyday routine. Like I really missed a couple of days of my life. That was when I realized that I was trying to make this happen and it's just not possible. Creating a life isn't my job...it's not yours, or anyone else's. It's God's. He's been doing it since the beginning of time. Who am I to try to come along all this time later and tell Him to step aside and let me do it.

We think it's so easy because there are so many people in this world, but it's obviosly really not. In one of my first cycles my gyno said to me "you'd think it would just happen...the female body is set up technically to allow this happen, but there's a lot that goes into it and things have to happen just right at the right time. it's actually harder than you think". I never really paid much attention to that, but after everything I've learned about ttc, it's SOOO true.

It's ok that you are where you are. There is a process to all of this. I don't know what it is, but there is a reason that God is testing you. Sometimes you have to go through the fire. But know that it will work out. I know you're wondering where is He? I've felt that too. My brother has four kids by three different women (2 are twins...which we want) and that doesn't include the miscarriages these and other women have had. I told God one day that He gave my brother my kid by accident. Funny now, but I was serious then. But He hasn't left you hun. He's there watching and waiting. Sometimes I think God wants us to get to that point because we forget He is almighty and everything rests in His hands...including the power to create life.

I will leave you with this. Diamonds, once something ugly and weak, are made under pressure. This situation may look ugly right now, but the end result will be something beautiful and precious.

 

[terces]

Oh, terces...hun I am so sorry. I have to be honest, I've read through a lot of people's problems/issues/hurt on this forum and while they all start to sound the same and everyone really has the same problem...can't get preggo...your post really got to me.

You are right, we have all been there, but what I will say is that you haven't hit rock bottom. When you do, you will know. And I don't mean rock bottom it will never happen for you. I mean rock bottom, you're ready to let God have His way.

I hit that all time low at the beginning of my last cycle. I mean I was low...to the point where I honestly scared myself...not to mention my husband. He wouldn't let me go to work and then didn't go himself cause he was so worried about me. I felt like a zombie for a few days, just walking through my everyday routine. Like I really missed a couple of days of my life. That was when I realized that I was trying to make this happen and it's just not possible. Creating a life isn't my job...it's not yours, or anyone else's. It's God's. He's been doing it since the beginning of time. Who am I to try to come along all this time later and tell Him to step aside and let me do it.

We think it's so easy because there are so many people in this world, but it's obviosly really not. In one of my first cycles my gyno said to me "you'd think it would just happen...the female body is set up technically to allow this happen, but there's a lot that goes into it and things have to happen just right at the right time. it's actually harder than you think". I never really paid much attention to that, but after everything I've learned about ttc, it's SOOO true.

It's ok that you are where you are. There is a process to all of this. I don't know what it is, but there is a reason that God is testing you. Sometimes you have to go through the fire. But know that it will work out. I know you're wondering where is He? I've felt that too. My brother has four kids by three different women (2 are twins...which we want) and that doesn't include the miscarriages these and other women have had. I told God one day that He gave my brother my kid by accident. Funny now, but I was serious then. But He hasn't left you hun. He's there watching and waiting. Sometimes I think God wants us to get to that point because we forget He is almighty and everything rests in His hands...including the power to create life.

I will leave you with this. Diamonds, once something ugly and weak, are made under pressure. This situation may look ugly right now, but the end result will be something beautiful and precious.

Thank you for your post. I am doing better today and am coming to realize that it will work out. I was meant to be a mother and I will be one. I think the thing that got to me the most and made me kind of snap out of it was when my husband told me that more than anything else he wanted to see me smile again. It still does hurt and there are moments that I feel frustrated and alone, but I know I have to remember that this will make me stronger.

The only day I'm not looking forward to right now is mother's day. Our church makes a pretty big deal of it. They buy all the moms gifts and present them to each mother during service. (we have a small church so it doesn't take long) I did ok last year, but this year I'm really not looking forward to sitting there and watching all the moms get a gift and me just sitting and waiting to move on to the next thing. GRRR

Thank you again for responding. You really did help me.

TH

 

[eternaldream]

Terces: (((hugs))) and prayers for you! I know it's hard now, but just imagine the overwhelming joy we will feel when we are finally mothers.

Nodoubt: I loved how you said creating a life isn't our job it's God's. That's so true. It' so hard to want something so bad, and to have very little control over whether or not you get it. Because in the end God is the one who decides whether or not we are mothers. And we are just made to wait and suffer in sadness and pain. But I believe God has a reason and purpose for everything? So what could the reason be for us having infertility? Why do you think God has allowed us to go through this?

I don't think he uses it as a punishment. I think he gave it to me to make me stronger and to draw me closer to Him.

Any thoughts?

Oh and I read a fb post today that said "I hate whoever told me to become a mom, cleaning up vomit four times is no fun". I'm thinking, I wish I had a kids vomit to clean up.

 

[No Doubt]

I know it's hard when there is something you want so bad, and there are so many reasons why we could be going through this. No one knows what that reason is but God.

I have ocd so I have an incredibly strong need to always be in control of everything. Maybe this is Gods way of showing me I can't be and preparing me to be a mom. Lord knows that is a worrisome job and will have to rely on him fully if I want to stay sane.

For so long I've been asking God to increase my faith. I know I have to put in work and it's not to say I don't have faith, I just want that unbreakable faith where I'm at peace no matter the storm.

Up until now, even through everything I've been through in every area of my life, I never saw this as God building my faith, although all of my situations have. I ak truly learning to trust God. This is why people say be careful what you ask for. We want something but we don't want to pay the toll to cross the bridge to get it. Do I want to build my faith...yes, do I want ttc to be my road there...no.

We want what we want how we want when we want it and it just doesn't work like that. One thing us for sure...what God has for you is for you and no one can take that from you. Remain faithful and He will bless you when you least expect it.

Sorry that got so winded. I'm a passionate person and my "sermons" help me to stay grounded.

Lots of to all of us ladies!

 

[FutureMommie]

Hey ladies, I want to join in, it's nice to have a place to discuss faith openly. Let me tell you just a little about me and I will keep it brief. My dh and I have been ttc for 4 years now, I've had surgery to remove fibroids and all kinds of other issues. I'm 39 years old as of May 2nd and still ttc my 1st. I never thought I would be that woman that wouldn't be able to conceive. I tried to do things in the right order, educations, finances, marriage and then baby. It hasn't happened and this has been the toughest journey of my life. Along the way I have learned so much about my faith, and being thankful. I've learned that even though I'm impatient that I don't want this one minute before God has it meant for us, I've learned to pray for guidence with every fertility treatment and next step, learned that when I pray for his guidance that sometimes the door will be closed and I will be disappointed. I've learned that nothing that I've accomplished in my life, personally and professionally was all done by me, I'm not at all in control here. There were times when I too thought he had forgotten about me but each and every time he did something to let me know he hadn't left my side and sometimes those things didn't pertain to infertilty. I have often wondered why me and even though I don't exactly know the answer, I know that he chose me because he knew I could handle it, I have shed many tears in the past 4 years, and there have been many disappointments, many doors that I wanted to walk through in hopes of getting my baby that he has closed, but I have realized that not now doesn't mean not ever. I could approach that door again in the future and it may swing wide open and that will be our perfect time. I've learned that on this journey on the way to our baby that I will have to go through some things, and that may mean surgery, and test and poking and prodding and some pain. I won't give up, I know my time is coming, he planted this desire in my heart so I'm going to hang on, cling to him in faith and I know he WILL do it! But most importantly I've learned how to be thankful TODAY! My BFP will just be the icing on the cake.

 

[No Doubt]

I agree with being thankful for "today" futuremommie. I used to feel like if we couldn't have kids it would break us because once we have our baby, we would be complete. Then I felt like if my hubby wasn't as open to everything as me, all the different types of treatments (he's usually more closed minded about the different options than me), then it wouldn't work out. Not cause he didn't want to do them, but because he wouldn't even bother looking into them. Once I finally realized that a baby wouldn't "complete" us (I mean we, are already two whole people) things started to open up.

I started realizing that even if a baby never came along. I still loved and appreciated my husband and there's a reason I married him, and I still want to be with him no matter what. And my hubby started to actually look into things. Maybe not be the first to bring up a new option, but at least listen if I or the fs said something...even if it pertained to him or something he was really uncomfortable with.

So just taking it one day at a time and enjoying all of God's other miracles before our miracle baby.

 

[eternaldream]

God will bless you when you least expect it. so true.

Right now I've been thinking about God's will for my life. How do I know God wants me to keep ttc or does he want me to adopt? I guess I will just pray about it. I wish God could give us straight forward answers about what His will is for our life. But I know that's not how it works.

I'm really frustrated right now... I just finished my first round of clomid after a year break and I didn't ovulate. Well, I just got rid of af and I called my dr to set up my next appointment
And they can't get me in till June 28th! My patience is already being pushed to the limit and now I have to wait two months to try again.

 

[No Doubt]

I'm sorry you didn't O hun. I know that can be so frustrating. And I know that after so long it is so very frustrating and then to have to wait on top or it...

My gyno was like that, I felt like it was always the waiting game and then she was so unproactive (I don't think that's a word). I was diagnosed with pcos maybe 7 years ago and I've been seeing this gyno for about three. She told me all was fine, mh progesterone came back at an ovulatory level, and made me wait the full year for clomid and why additional testing. I don't want to cause duh...I. Knew, as I explained to her, there would be issues. So I get the waiting game and it definitely sucks.

I was always trying to plan appts and what not around my cycle and O and af and whatever so I wouldn't have to wait or miss a cycle but sometimes you can't help it.

Maybe God does want you to take a break and this is His way of making that happen. You never know... Just try not to dwell and get so upset over it. I know...easier said than done. We all face that stuggle.

 

[FutureMommie]

Eternaldream the waiting sucks! Other than not begging able to conceive easily the waiting is the next hardest thing and on this journey there is a whole lot of it! Sometimes I wonder is God trying to teach me patience? When I'm praying for Gods will I always ask him to make it clear to me because if it isn't his will I don't want it! When my dh and I decided we were ready to proceed with IVF I prayed about it and said if it was his will all would be well, if it wasn't then close the door. When I got to the office to have the 3D ultrasound the Dr said my uterus had scar tissue or possibly fibroids, they couldn't tell without doing a hysteroscopy. I was crushed! I'd previously has scar tissue removed and fibroids, I lef the office in tears! I cried and cried and when I was able to think clearly I was able to see that ok God I asked for you to make it clear and you slammed the door! That was last summer. I just had scar tissue removed last week and I'm Waiting (of course) for a follow up appt and if all is good we want to try IVF again. I will pray about again and if it's his will it will work out. Who knows maybe last time wasn't perfect timing! Maybe this time is! Or maybe he's got an even better plan! Don't get me wrong, waiting for is will is painfully hard at times!

 

[eternaldream]

So right now I'm struggling with what God's will is for my life. Does he want me to have a baby naturally or does he want me to adopt? Right now I'm leaning toward adopting. But I don't know. My dh and I tried fostercare adoption before and it's not that easy. So now I'm thinking of doing private. But it's so expensive. But I'm not sure if this is the path God wants me to take. What do you ladies think? I'm not really looking for opinions on adoption, but rather how do I know I'm choosing the right path...that I'm doing God's will?

Oh and I wanted to share these devotionals called Sarah's Laughter daily double portion. They send free infertility devotionals to your email daily. They're really good. You should google it and check it out.

Love to all!

 

[FutureMommie]

Eternal- I don't know the perfect answer. I know when I've prayed for guidence and his will, if it wasn't what he wanted for me at the time it didn't work out. There have been times I've prayed for his will and it has been smooth sailing, every door has just swung right open. Just because you tried last time and it didn't quite work out doesn't mean it won't work this time, Remember not now doesn't mean not ever, maybe then wasn't his perfect timing.

I love Sarah's Laughter, there have been days when their email have really made the difference in my day. Maybe pose that question to them in an email. I email them about something once and she emailed me back.

 

[nevernormal]

May I join you ladies?? I don't often venture out of the journals that I stalk anymore, but I'm glad I did today =)

I am 22, DH is 24. We've been married for almost 3 years, and trying for 21 months (including this month), with somewhere around 12 cycles in that time period (9 on ff, and 3-4 before that). I always thought I'd have problems because my cycles have always been irregular, but I didn't think it'd take THIS long!

When I was on bcp our attitude was "if we accidentally get pregnant, then it must be God's will for us, and we'll be ecstatic!" Now I have to turn that thinking around daily. I want to get pregnant, but ultimately I am seeking God's will. So if I don't get pregnant, then I need to be content! Not always easy but I'm working on it!

 

[No Doubt]

Hi Nevernormal. I know what you mean about having to turn your thinking around daily. It's always easier said than done, but we know deep down that God's will is perfect.

I of course want God's will for my life, my husband's life, and my children's life, but I think my struggle is more that I try to figure out what God's will; to rationalize things...why is this happening, but not that? And I constantly have to tell myself that it's not for me to try to figure out, but to be accepting and trusting of His will, even when I don't know what it is...basically to have faith.

 

[jessinec]

I try to live my life by the quote "Everything happens for a reason." There has to be a reason why god has not given me a child yet. I have not found the reason yet. What have I done wrong? In my TTC journey I often forget all the great things he has given me. I have an awesome husband and family, a really great job, house, and my health. I thank him for that every day. The only thing missing is a child. Children are miracles that only god can create. I often struggle when I see people with kids that cannot take care of them. I wonder why god let them have children. I truly do believe that god is in control. I constantly am asking him why? Someday I will know...