Falling Apart

[Lawhra]

My relationship may be falling apart

We are ttc with male factor (poor morphology, 2% !)and have been advised to go for ivf. We have to pay for that ourselves as I already have one child so can't get it on the NHS. We do not have ANY spare money for treatment and even if I got accepted onto the egg donor scheme, we will most likely need ICSI, which again we can not afford.

The problems we are having right now is communication. Serious meltdown there. Any time I am upset or feeling positive and want to discuss things with him he shuts down and gets angry. He will literally say nothing to me. For the last 3 days I have been trying to make him understand how imprtant it is to discuss issues and he clams up and won't talk. He did eventually yesterday via text messages!

I'm having a serious dilema right now. Because if he can't handle things now, before any treatment has even begun, how could he possible handle that? He is 38 but behaves like he's 18.

Am I pinning too much on expecting communication and support? I'm going out of my mind right now.

Sorry to go on, but i'm so confused right now

 

[chele]

Babe I am so sorry. How did he react when he found out he had poor morphology? the same I bet. But you're right, he does need to talk about it. And no you're not expecting too much in the way of support - he's your partner and should be there for you, but it seems to be something he can't accept so is hiding from it instead of facing up to it and looking at solutions

Sorry honey, he just needs to open up and I don't know how you can make him
x

 

[Lawhra]

Thank you so much

He didn't really react very much. He said he's gutted that one of us is to blame (i'm sure he always thought it was all down to me). I know it bothers him but he won't talk about it.
We tried sorting things again today and this time managed to discuss some issues, but things still aren't fixed. I hate to think it but i'm wondering if things will ever change for the better.
Well, one thing is for sure, if things don't improve I can honestly say the last 3 years of infertility were for the best. I've been a single Mum of one, that was hard enough.

 

[Smurfette]

Have you thought about counselling? I know it can be a bit daunting (particularly for guys) but it could be a good way for him to express how he feels through a third party. A lot of employers have good links to counselling without waiting lists or maybe you could try your GP but explain how urgent the situation is.

If that's a no go area them maybe show him these posts? He might not realise how shut off he's being.

I really hope you manage to sort things out honey



xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[JASMAK]

I would consider counselling. I would not be surprised if he is feeling some sort of guilt, or denial about his male factor. The must be quite a blow to a man's ego. Also, men react and deal with things differently than us woman do. We tend to want to talk about it, go over and over it again and again so that we can sort it out in our minds. I think that many men do not feel the need to talk about things. This paired up with how he may be feeling about his role, might just be making it even more difficult. This is just speculation as I have never met your hubby of course. But, counselling (for you at least, if he won't go) will help sort all this out. Good luck!

 

[Lawhra]

Thank you both for your replies

We have discussed councelling and he agreed it would do us some good. We just cannot afford it right now. Money issues is a huge factor in our argument, he recently lost some work so that has probably added to his frustration.

There are currently many things, but surely going through ivf is a very trying time. I can't help but wonder if he struggles to cope now, how on earth he'll manage then.

Well I guess time will tell.

 

[aflight84]

Hey Babes, I'm really sorry I don't really know you that well so I don't know your history or anything but could it be that he's claming up cos he knows he's to blame for you not being able to fall pregnant again without the help? I know how bad my hubby was when he found out he first had problems but talking did help eventually!
If you ever want to rant or vent at someone just PM me x x

 

[chele]

is there no way of getting any free counselling? good that he's open to that idea though xx

 

[MayMay]

Hi! I'm sorry you're having troubles. Isn't it enough to have such a diagnosis but then to have it affect your relationship is so very difficult. My DF has no sperm at all and it took about two months to really be able to talk about things clearly. It was hard for me to wait so I came on here to vent. Don't give up on him though. He's having SUCH a hard time dealing with his diagnosis and losing some jobtime is bound to make everything so much worse. He may just really need to know that no matter what you love him and are there for him. I personally found it difficult not to push him to open up but I learned quick that the more I prodded him the more he clammed up or lashed out. Your man must be feeling something terrible. Maybe if you are very tender with him he'll feel more apt to sharing what's going on inside.

Hope this helps!
HUGS!!

 

[BizyBee]

I'm sorry hun.
As Jasmak said, it must be a very difficult diagnosis for him and he's having a hard time expressing his disappointment. I really hope he'll be able to open up soon about it so you can work out all of your options. xx

 

[vineyard]

My husband and I started fighing alot about our infertility and money. This may sound so simple and somewhat dumb. But, we started doing a date night once a week and baby talk and money talk were strictly forbidden! It helped a ton. I agree though, your DH needs to talk about it still but sometimes just going out and not focusing on babies or money can be a HUGE relief as well!

Best of luck!

 

[Lawhra]

Thank you all for your support, it really does mean a lot

To give a bit of back ground, we have not been able to conceive for the last 3+ years and have had many tests including 2 sperm analasis', 3 day 21 progesterone, follicle tracking scan, hormone bloods for him, lap and dye for me. And after all that they came up with low morphology.
One of his ex girlfriends told him years ago she was pregnant with his baby, then very quickly told him she'd miscarried. So he had always though the issues were with me. It seems now she was lying (which I suspected anyway).
I understand it's a difficult thing for a man and I understand any concerns he has, I just don't like the fact he is happy to just cruise along without discussing options.

For instance, here is a conversation we had and how badly he handled it:

Me: We need a plan of action. I think we should have 3 months of your recommended change of diet, then request another sperm analasis. If there is improvement then we will continue to try naturally. If no improvement, we know we need to look into ivf.

Him: We can't afford ivf.

Me: I know, i'm just saying we can talk about it.

Him: We can't afford ivf.

And it pretty much goes on like that. Me trying to make him understand discussing does not mean doing, it's simply discussing our options so I can keep focused and keep sane!
He has a tendency to go introverted which can last for days. We have been arguing since Friday and it is still not resolved. He's staying out in his car most of the day and coming back when i'm in bed, both in different rooms.
He said yesterday he wishes he was dead. He later said he is not feeling well in himself and his head is in a dark place.
He tried to commit suicide after his last gf ended it with him. And I cannot cope with emotional blackmail and threats of doing something silly.

I am at a loss and the longer it goes on the more I struggle to know what to do. I'm afraid it will go so far there will be no turning back.

Sorry to go on, but it really helps getting it down. Thank you so much for letting me vent!

 

[jam-on-toast]

Sorry to hear about your troubles, it seems we all take things differently and need time to deal with things in different ways.

Maybe you both need a little head space from the thought of it for a while and then when it settles try talking or even as the other girls have suggested a little counselling, especially for your partner if he feels so low at the moment.

I understand fully where you are coming from with this situation, its tough at the best of times and it seems there are other factors adding to the stress of it all, such as self finacning.

I hope things work out.x.x.x


Good Luck.x

 

[JASMAK]

Sounds like he is worried about the costs. My recommendation is to stick to plan A right now...perhaps he will get some more work in the meantime, and if things don't happen naturally, then maybe he will be more open to it then.

 

[Lawhra]

Thank you both for your replies. It's so comforting to know that people understand and it isn't completely wrong to be going through this.

I am pleased to say we finally made some headway yesterday afternoon. We began slowly resolving things and then I got offered a job interview for today! (I have been applying for jobs for ages and got nowhere). And that made me realise I wanted to get excited with him about it and that I needed him.
He also put some money into my bank account, without me knowing, so I could order pre-seed (I don't produce much EWCM).
So, he obviously struggled with things but couldn't talk, and has promised he will support me, listen, talk and be there for me. I have already told him I understand his fears, so now he will talk more.
The only issues I have now are the typical irritating man things! Am I the only one who gets irritated with their man? I hope not!

Thank you all again so very much

 

[aflight84]

hey babes has hubby done anything to try and improve the sperm quality?
my hubby had problems when he was first tested qauntity and quality but with the aid of good diet exercise and macca his results went from 14 million to 125 million and motility from something like 20% to 50 or 60%!

 

[Lawhra]

Wow that's really good! What a massive difference. You must be really pleased
Yes he is now taking Wellman, drinking berry juice as advised and will take anything else I tell him would help! I'm going to research and see what else. I've been told about a couple of things by the helpfull ladies on here

 

[aflight84]

it's good that he's willing to help himself i would strongly recommend macca it's not too expensive either i get it from healthydirect.com and that difference was in under a month by the way.

no eating after 7pm a good healthy diet, exercise 3 times a week, no caffine and the macca a mixture of those things did it!

Good luck hun!

 

[Lawhra]

Thank you. I think the only one there I will fail in getting him to do is not eat after 7 pm! He eats sweets, fruit toast and grapefruits at night. Probably amongst other things.

Thank you for the Macca info, I will check out the website.

Although at the moment I'm not stressing, or even trying, to conceive. Things still aren't 100% I'm having doubts and have put it on hold untill I know how I feel.

 

[aflight84]

oh babes i'm so sorry i hope you can work everything out x