Family Gatherings and Obligations

[Phantom]

Every year I come home stressed Christmas eve, the kids are crying because its way past bedtime. But I do it so grandma can see her grandbabies and it ends up being worth it. This year, hubby's extended family has decided to have their Christmas party Dec 24th. This is because they want it on a Sat. so they can get drunk and the week before a few kids have exams. I can't help but feel selfish for not wanting to go. Santa makes an appearance and its pretty fun. But its almost an hour away. Do you ever say "no" to family gatherings around Christmas? I just don't want to regret it.

 

[motherofboys]

We had to start saying no to lots of things, and even saying "why don't we do something at ours this year". We are the only ones with small children. The nieces and nephews are aged 17 to 26. Everyone wants to have a certain kind of grown up evening and it just becomes stressful for me trying to keep everyone in line when if they'd do things a couple of hours earlier all would be well. It was the same with Christmas day itself. Our children were expected to leave their presents at 8am Christmas morning and go to the in laws and stay until the day after boxing day.
It is lovely to spend time with family at christmas, but you've got to do what works for you and your kids. Either go for a little while and come home earlier or just say no this year. There's no reason you can't go next year.

 

[kirstybumx3]

I'm considering changing Christmas this year for the first year ever. Since I was born I've gone to my grandparents house Christmas morning along with my parents, aunts, uncles and the rest of our family after we have opened our gifts at home (rushed may I add) and this year I really don't want to. Christmas Day for us consists of about 1 hour at home all day. 2-3 hours at my nans, then a flying visit to my dad, then dinner and a few hours at MIL's, then a couple of hours at sils then back home exhausted. I want a homely family Christmas where people can come and visit us but I know if I change that, I won't get to see everyone I want to see so I am unsure what to do in fear of regret too.
I think at Christmas a lot of people think of their own wants and not so much anyone else and how it will inconvenience them. Because it's been 'tradition' so to speak that we go to my nans for so many years, I really think it may cause an argument if I choose to alter my plans. I'm anxious about it already.

Sorry I've rambled on about myself. What I mean is I get you not wanting to, and don't feel selfish for saying no if it isn't suitable for you and your family. If everyone is getting drunk do you want a hangover Christmas morning? Will the children be overtired from a party more so than visiting grandparents and be cranky on Christmas morning? I think id just politely say that you have so much to do on Christmas Eve it would be difficult for you to attend. X

 

[george83]

If it was for elderly relatives to see the younger children I would feel really bad saying no, however if it was just for the sake of a christmas party then I definitely wouldn't feel bad about not going. To me Christmas is for young children and whilst it's nice seeing family I would sacrifice my children's Christmas for it.

 

[Kay_Baby]

I put my foot down and said no to taking the kids anywhere on Christmas Day a few years ago. I felt so sorry for DS1 when he couldn't open toys because they had lots of bits that would get lost and we needed to take it home so now we just stay at home. It did upset my inlaws a bit because we usually went to them for the day but they come to us most years (they are coming this year) but I think they understand it's easy for the boys it's a tiring day for small children.

 

[HappyAnjeL]

I wouldn't feel bad if you don't want to then don't. We usually go around my parents on Xmas Eve bc they have a big party and my daughter loves it. My in laws always ask us around for dinner xmas Eve and we usually make an effort to do both so DH can see his grandmother who lives out of town. My parents party goes a bit late so not really an issue.. last year his Grandma ended up not coming so we invited them to my parents instead.. they all came over Xmas to do presents at our house and was soooo much more relaxed!

Adding- my parents only live a few minute drive away.

 

[c1403]

Growing up we stayed a time home all day Christmas Day.

Now I live a couple of hours from home and as much a I'd love to spend the day with my family I don't want my daughters to be away from home and their gifts Christmas Day. So we have Christmas Eve and Day a time home just the four of us.

Fortunately my parents understand as they hated the thought of me and my sister taken away from our toys. I'd love my nan to see the girls Christmas Day but even she says no as it's not fair on them.

We go see family on Boxing Day/day after. Works well as my parents and the in laws and get to have their grown up eat drink and be merry Christmas on Christmas Eve/day then we come Boxing Day with the kids and it's like when I was young all over again (crazy amount of toys, games etc). I have had to change things with in laws though, they love a drink and while I have no right in telling them what to do, spending time with them drunk is not suitable for my children. So we go early morning/afternoon to avoid it (blame it on my cat lol)

I wouldn't travel for a party Christmassy Eve personally, not with such little ones. If they were early teens I would probably. I'd miss the magic of Christmas Eve at home getting ready for FC
X

 

[shanny]

Its hard when there have been longstanding traditions to be the one that changes it. But you do have to think about what you want and whats best for kids.

We like to be at home xmas eve and morning and then either stay home on own or with others or go to other family.

Previuosly MIL would not leave her house either you went there or didn't see her on xmas day. Then one year we went nuts and invited everyone including in laws extended family etc - thinking they wouldn't come - and they all did. 26 people later and now all of us really mix it up and noone gets upset if there is a different dynamic as its never the same each year. ie last year we just had us this year we are at MIL.



So I guess what I am saying is until someone breaks with tradition then nothing will change and that pressure to do same thing each year remains.

Why not invite them over for lunch? then granny can see them and you dont have to go anywhere?

 

[DanielleM]

I wouldn't feel bad, I would do what is right for you!! Maybe go in the day, ask for Santa to come out late afternoon and then you can leave and get home at a decent time, and the adults can carry on getting drunk at night.

 

[Cangaroo]

My in laws live nearby and my family live a long way away. We decided before we had children that we'd alternate: one year my family's "turn", the next, his family's "turn". We do Christmas with one family and new year with the other and alternate each year. This year we're going to my childhood home for Christmas and will be there from Christmas Eve for several days. So we do a proper home family Christmas there. Then we'll come back home and do "2nd Christmas" here with the in laws at new year. Last year it was the other way around. It's the only fair way to do it for us. We are everyone, don't have to rush around trying to fit everyone in on one day and everyone knows where they stand.

 

[Phantom]

Thanks everyone. Last year the family Christmas party (which is a fairly new thing they started) was the weekend before Christmas. That way we could do both the family party and go to Grandma's on Christmas eve. But since they have moved it to Christmas eve, Grandma is going to the family party so to see her we would need to go. For years I have offered to do something at our house (because with young kids it would be way easier that way!) but nobody wants to drive an hour to our place. Its funny how everyone else can say no so easily but I can't seem to do it!

 

[SpringerS]

I absolutely love seeing family all through Christmas. When I was a child we saw my dad's family on Christmas eve for them to be able to enjoy some of our excitement. And I loved it. I now take my DS around to my parents' house for a few hours on Christmas eve so they can enjoy his anticipation, even though we will be spending a lot of the next day with them too. It's wonderful for everyone to share in the joy of a small child on Christmas eve. If my family were an hour away, I'd either go early in the day to see them and leave by late afternoon.

Or else, I'd do the traditional night time stuff earlier in the day. Like leave out cookies and hang stockings before you leave the house, so it's all ready for Santa. Then make a big deal of packing toothbrush, PJs, favourite teddies and special Christmas blankets in the car. Go to the party, have lots of fun until they are obviously tired. Then take your children to a different room, have them change into their PJs, have something like a glass of warm milk each, brush their teeth, say all their goodbyes. Then into the car to snuggle up in their blankets with their teddies and talk about how exciting it will be to fall asleep in the car and wake up on Christmas morning. Maybe have some gentle choral type Christmas music lined up to play in the car home. If they are anything like my guy, they'll be asleep before you get home and you can carry them into their beds once you get home. It's a bit different to the usual way of doing things but it could still be really magical for you all.

 

[motherofboys]

Thanks everyone. Last year the family Christmas party (which is a fairly new thing they started) was the weekend before Christmas. That way we could do both the family party and go to Grandma's on Christmas eve. But since they have moved it to Christmas eve, Grandma is going to the family party so to see her we would need to go. For years I have offered to do something at our house (because with young kids it would be way easier that way!) but nobody wants to drive an hour to our place. Its funny how everyone else can say no so easily but I can't seem to do it!

That last line is so me! People only willing come since we moved house too, because they had trouble parking, but thought nothing of the fact that we'd have trouble parking when that wanted us to stay late at their houses and have to carry sleeping kids half a mile down the road

 

[Amarna]

A couple years ago I stopped going to see family on Christmas Eve and Day, if they want they can come to us, the door is always open. But it's especially difficult for us because our closest family is 4 hours away and i just don't fancy doing that drive on Christmas with two kids. Plus I think it's important to have them home, in their own beds and do the whole Santa routine, it's at least important to me that they have that experience. My in-laws will sometimes come to us instead and everyone else will get video or voice called day of.

Instead we go Christmas Eve to the service at our church and spend the evening with our chosen family (we're much closer to many people there than we are to most of our blood relatives anyway) and then come home and do the normal Christmas Eve routine.

 

[Fruitmash]

I am an utter control freak at Christmas time and won't change anything if I can avoid it! I love traditions and wanted nothing more than to pass mine down to my children, I've added a couple though! DH usually works on Christmas Eve, but with baby it looks probable that he'll be off and he wants to go round his parents for the day! But that'd mean all the things DD and I do won't happen and I can't do that, as guilty as I feel since my mum got DD first Christmas and is getting LO first Christmas too. I agree about seeing if you can go to the do early, before people get drunk, personally I wouldn't want my kids there when the alcohol starts kicking in

 

[MrsPotts]

We have my husbands parents over for Christmas eve, Christmas day is our day we spend as our little family. Boxing Day we go to my parents. Great Grandparents we see during the week before so they don't get left out. We have done it this way since our eldest was born and it works for us.

 

[pompeyvix]

We have my mum stay Christmas eve evening through to either boxing day or the 27th. We then visit other family members and stay a night or two at my dad's on the 27th and 28th. We are always at home Christmas day, it just makes the whole father christmas experience so special. All my in laws live abroad, so at least we don't have to worry about pleasing another load of family!

To the OP - do what is right for you and your family. If that means staying home because it means everyone is happier and stress free, then do that. I've learned that hard way that you just can't please everyone.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

Ive stayed at home just me and kids last 3 yrs x soooo much nicer

 

[jensonsmummy]

Do what is easist for you and ur family. I have learnt this over last few years with ds2. He has development delays and i do all to suit him now. I find esp extended family love to organise these events but then r quick to judge when they dont behave in the way they deem appropriate. Now i only go to events either close to home that i can bring ds home if hes overwhelmed or we stay home and do our own thing

 

[wtbmummy]

Before we had ds we always had two christmas. One at mil and one at my dads.
After our ds was born I said no. If people want to visit us thats fine but we are not rushing our boy at any point in the day. He can play with his toys as he pleases, sleep when he wants (although has stopped napping now) and I can cook whilst dh spends his time with ds. If people want to see us we do a buffet on boxing day which all family is invited to if they want to give ds his presents etc..

So if i was in your position I would absolutely say no! People forget that even on christmas children need some sort of routine. I wouldnt be letting my kids stay up to late on christmas eve as they would be grumpy on christmas morning!

Do what u need to do for your children! If people are bothered they will visit!!