Family issues ruining my first pregnancy... advice or thoughts appreciated

[lsaut]

Sorry this is long, but background is important, I think. I am 21 weeks pregnant and my EDD is November 21st.

The week before we found out we were expecting, my mom left my step dad (of 23 years) for another man (early March). I found out about the other man when she posted a fb status attacking my step dad and talking wonderfully about the new man. DH and I had been TTC for over a year and the whole time my mom gave indications that we shouldn’t think about having kids yet (ie. Saying “don’t get any ideas” around babies, telling us she knew that we weren’t ready,etc.). We will be married five years next month, own our second home that is more than suitable for a baby (five bedrooms, already baby-proofed for our dogs (to a certain extent, anyway), and have a healthy combined income. DH manages a large car dealership and I work for the municipal government as the coordinator of the planning department. We are 27 and 31, and I have a Master’s degree and my husband is college-educated. We live in a small rural town, in fact, DH, my mom and step dad all work at side-by-side businesses. It is stressful to run into people in the grocery store that think my mom is the victim in the situation.

My mom’s family immediately made it known that her decision would not impact our relationship, but it did. My grandfather is not speaking to me after telling me I was a selfish brat for not telling my mom first (before anyone else) that we were expecting. My three aunts and 19 year old cousin are also keeping their distance with no texts, phone calls, etc., even after being well aware of how upset I am by the situation. We were a VERY close family before this point, although my relationship with my mother has been very strained for the last few years as she is not a fan of DH and has been dealing with her own mental and addiction problems, while my younger sister has been in and out of rehab, with several suicide attempts (normally around the time something big is happening in my life).

My mom sent a message shortly after she left outlining all of the reasons why my step father is a bad person, and noting that the only reason she stayed with him so long was for my benefit as a child and teenager, and that she was selfless and suffered so I could have a “good life.” My step father is in his mid 60s, and is failing healthwise. My mom is 51 and going through a real midlife crisis. She divorced my dad when I was 3 and my sister was 2 and we had no relationship with him until our late teens (another horrible divorce). I still have a good relationship with my step dad (we are very close), although I’m starting to find that stressful and taxing as well. I am his only family member now. My mom’s relationship with my step dad was common-law, and he paid every single bill, down to a quart of milk, while all her income went to clothes, spa days, and a car payment (for a fancy car she just had to have). She has begun a vicious legal battle and has no plans to move out of her parents’ basement until it is over (except maybe to her new bf’s, whose wife died in January).

I have only had a few short visits with her since she left my step dad and have had to ask her to stop showing up at my work or DH’s office, often in tears. I am prone to anxiety and panic attacks and the extra stress of this has really impacted my mental state during the pregnancy. My strategy has been to ignore it as much as I can and focus on happier things, but that is becoming increasingly difficult. Just the thought of a baby shower is freaking me out. My gut instinct is to have a friend “throw” the shower with me and invite family, but not allow them to take it over. My MIL is throwing a shower that is destined to be a disaster (could write a novel on our relationship with DH’s family) and lives 3.5 hr away, so that will be a different set of people. Furthermore, I have no idea how to approach “family” time once our son arrives. We are planning a homebirth with a midwife (which family disagrees with), and want the first 2 days (if possible) home alone without visitors. We will now have DH’s family (which wants to stay over when the visit because they live far away), my dad and step-mom, my step-dad, and mom and her family, and none of them get along or interact well together. My step dad is often brought to tears thinking that he won’t be easily involved in his grandson’s life, and my mom thinks she will be the #1 grandparent. DH and I are taking the approach that we are a three-member (7 with the dogs) family unit and have to put that before anyone else, but of course that seems easier said than done. I’m not even sure what I’m looking for in terms of advice, but any support or help is so greatly appreciated. My best friend and I also had a falling out around Christmas, so other than DH, I have very few people to whom I can turn.

 

[Nela]

Sounds like a tough situation all around. Honestly, family doesn't always have to be blood. At this point, I would just keep the positive people around you and deal with those, allowing those people more visiting times than those who only bring stress and negativity. Your mother needs to understand that your OH is your OH and the father of your baby and he's not going anywhere. So, if she cannot put her differences aside and respect you guys as a family unit, then best to just keep the distance. Sounds like she's bringing in more drama than any good anyway. If other family members want to jump to their conclusions without allowing you the right to have your side of the story, then it is their loss as well. I've had a very similar situation and ended up just shutting everyone off and giving time a chance. Things are working out better now and people have re-entered my life with a new found respect for me as they know that I will not tolerate bs as I have no time nor energy for it. Honestly, it's been nothing but better since. I'm not telling you to confront/fight etc. just saying that if this is draining you and putting more strain on you at this time, it's okay to say "You know what, I don't need this right now and I am choosing not to deal with this right now." It's okay to tell your mother that she can see baby at such and such a time but that she cannot stop you from having a relationship with your step father etc. You cannot tell her whom to have a relationship with, just as she cannot tell you the same. Goes both ways and she has to respect that. As for telling you that she 'sacrificed' her happiness for you, that is BS and I would not tolerate that. She makes her own decisions and has absolutely no right putting that on you. The fact that she cannot own up to making her own decisions and puts it on you just shows that she has her own issues to work through still and you don't need to work through her issues for her. Whether family comes around or not, that is up to them. As for you, you are your own family, focus on making your own family strong and happy and that will be enough to deal with. Hopefully, they will come around and respect your inner strength and learn to put the drama aside.

 

[fairsinger]

So sorry you are going through this. What a tough situation.

I definitely think you should continue to set boundaries to allow yourself to have as much stress-free time as possible during your pregnancy. Maybe a friend can throw a friends-only baby shower so you don't have to invite family?

Your in-laws should stay in a hotel after the baby arrives, or wait until a couple of weeks after the birth to visit. It will only increase your stress to have people in your house when you're trying to bond and establish a routine. This will also allow you to set a visiting schedule for your mom, stepdad, in-laws, etc. Personally, I would want them all to visit separately since they don't get along, so maybe set an afternoon aside for each of them to see baby (for the in-laws, though, you might have to allow more visiting time since they are coming from out of town). The in-laws could go to their hotel room in the afternoons (or evenings, or whenever) while your mom visits one day and your stepdad visits another day. Or take the baby with you to see them, and that way you can control when you are done visiting and just leave (this is usually my preferred method when I don't want company hanging around indefinitely).

I really was resentful of the way people acted like they had a right to say when they would see the baby (my first one especially) and how often, and how long they would stay, and how they would just hold him even when he needed to learn to sleep in his bed and not need to be held all the time or when he would cry because he needed to nurse and they resented that (my own family was very respectful of boundaries and caused no problems, but my DH's family was a different story!), so I had to learn to put my own little family's best interests first. It is definitely a work in progress, but it's gotten better over time.

I hope you and your DH are able to figure out what works best for your little family and that your family will respect that!

 

[elle86]

Sounds to me like you need a breather for a little while!
I think it would be a good idea to try and distance yourself from the family politics and concentrate on the new baby. I would explain to DH family that whilst you would love to visit with them you will need to prepare for baby and as your having some stressful times it would be best for them to stay in a hotel. I feel for your step father, if it were me I would assure him that nothing has changed in your relationship and you want him to be apart of his grandchild's life.
The baby shower is up to you! no one should make you feel as though you have to have one or who to have there. At this point I would be choosing not to call it a shower and just have a gathering- that way if you don't want to invite certain people it will not hurt their feelings because it isn't an actual shower!