Family so Insensitive

[Molae06]

Does anyone else just have a really insensitive family? (Even if they aren't trying to be hurtful??) I just recently "came out of the closet" about my infertility to my parents. Recently me, dh, and my mom were on our way to the casino to hang out for a bit and I got on the topic of my prescription, and my mom said "I know I've said this before.....but maybe if you just didn't think about it so much it would happen." She's made other comments in the past like "Is that all you guys think about is having a baby?" Sometimes I wish I never said anything.

When I told my sister about my chemical pregnancy about a year ago, she said "well, most people have at least one miscarriage before they get pregnant" and now all she says since then is "well, at least we know you can get pregnant now"

DH's family, especially nosey sister always asks why we aren't "waiting". Waiting for what I tell her, I am about to be 25, dh is about to be 28, not sure what age is appropriate enough for her...? She also says "If it's not working maybe you should stop wasting your money." ...and what? Try nothing?

I can deal with ignorance and commentary from friends and people I don't know very well, but how am I supposed to deal with comments from the people closest to me? I know they aren't trying to be hurtful, and there's no possible way they could understand what it's like, but I just wish they could sympathize.

 

[Miss_Awesome]

My parents are two people who only have one thing in common besides me: they hate each other. However, they've both separately made insensitive comments. My mom insists I have "no proof" that we're infertile (besides us having tried for 21 months straight without so much as a glimmer of the possibility we can achieve pregnancy). My dad has said that we just need to relax since we're "young" and I'm worrying about nothing. I decided that they don't get to know anymore about my infertility and my mom will be lucky to even be allowed near any child we conceive or adopt with the way she's acted (my whole life, but recently has been the worst).

It's not just your family, trust me. It's something to do with fertile people or those who've never had to "try" for a baby. They don't get it no matter how hard they try. And truthfully, I'm sure that if they could see it from our point of view, even they would think the things they say are mean or insensitive.

 

[Princess Lou]

They genuinely believe they are being helpful. They try to understand but there is no way for them to understand if they have never been through it. Because they have no idea what it's like to be in your shoes they can never how what they say will effect you. How can they? It's up to us, the infertile, to educate the fertile on how to act, what to say etc. My Father would do anything to make me happy but even he thinks he's being helpful by saying "You've been trying so long and got no results, why not give up?" He simply means that he doesn't want to see me go through the pain and heartache any more chasing a dream that is not likely to ever come true but he feels that by saying it that way he looks selfish so by wording it a way that makes it look like it's for me, he feels better about saying it, whereas I wish he would say exactly what he felt, not what he thought I want to hear. That's a lot of the problems, not only do we have to contend with people's ignorance with infertility, they are afraid of hurting us so say something that they think won't hurt us but hurts us all the more. Mostly because if we are honest with ourselves, it's things we have thought but too afraid to say out loud because we don't want to deal with the consequences. Those closest to us say the things that hurt us most because we 'expect' them to understand better than others. How can they understand if we don't educate them?

Bottom line, most people are trying to say helpful things and if you can put yourselves in their shoes, you can see how they can see the silver lining. Your sister was trying to make you feel better about the chemical/miscarriage and being positive by saying you can get pregnant. Your SIL, I feel, was saying why continue to spend money on something that may never happen, why not spend your money on things that will benefit you. She can never understand that money is not important when it comes to a family but she is trying to be optimistic about your future.

Whether you believe it or not, there is plenty of research that backs up the theory of 'don't think about it and it will happen' with those who are unexplained. Stress is a major factor. When your Mum asked if that's all you think about, maybe she was trying to make you think about other things, focus on other areas of your life.

They can never sympathise (share the feelings of; understand the sentiments of), only empathise (be understanding of; "You don't need to explain--I understand!"). They aren't meaning to be hurtful, you need to show them how not to be.

I've been TTC for 4.5 years, I've had all the feelings you've had and it took me a long time to understand the way an outsider sees things but I did, I realised that nobody was trying to mean and hurtful, I was simply too full of resentment and hatred that I couldn't see how genuine and concerned everyone was.

 

[MorganEvans]

They genuinelby believe they are being helpful. They try to understand but there is no way for them to understand if they have never been through it. Because they have no idea what it's like to be in your shoes they can never how what they say will effect you. How can they? It's up to us, the infertile, to educate the fertile on how to act, what to say etc. My Father would do anything to make me happy but even he thinks he's being helpful by saying "You've been trying so long and got no results, why not give up?" He simply means that he doesn't want to see me go through the pain and heartache any more chasing a dream that is not likely to ever come true but he feels that by saying it that way he looks selfish so by wording it a way that makes it look like it's for me, he feels better about saying it, whereas I wish he would say exactly what he felt, not what he thought I want to hear. That's a lot of the problems, not only do we have to contend with people's ignorance with infertility, they are afraid of hurting us so say something that they think won't hurt us but hurts us all the more. Mostly because if we are honest with ourselves, it's things we have thought but too afraid to say out loud because we don't want to deal with the consequences. Those closest to us say the things that hurt us most because we 'expect' them to understand better than others. How can they understand if we don't educate them?

Bottom line, most people are trying to say helpful things and if you can put yourselves in their shoes, you can see how they can see the silver lining. Your sister was trying to make you feel better about the chemical/miscarriage and being positive by saying you can get pregnant. Your SIL, I feel, was saying why continue to spend money on something that may never happen, why not spend your money on things that will benefit you. She can never understand that money is not important when it comes to a family but she is trying to be optimistic about your future.

Whether you believe it or not, there is plenty of research that backs up the theory of 'don't think about it and it will happen' with those who are unexplained. Stress is a major factor. When your Mum asked if that's all you think about, maybe she was trying to make you think about other things, focus on other areas of your life.

They can never sympathise (share the feelings of; understand the sentiments of), only empathise (be understanding of; "You don't need to explain--I understand!"). They aren't meaning to be hurtful, you need to show them how not to be.

I've been TTC for 4.5 years, I've had all the feelings you've had and it took me a long time to understand the way an outsider sees things but I did, I realised that nobody was trying to mean and hurtful, I was simply too full of resentment and hatred that I couldn't see how genuine and concerned everyone was.

I agree with this, maybe its their way of showing support? You're loved, don't worry about it too much, your wishes will come true

 

[Molae06]

Yea, you all make a lot of sense, and just reconfirmed what I' ve known all along, that they are just trying to say what they think I want to hear/what they think is helpful. Before I said anything about having a hard time conceiving my family pretty much just assumed I didn't want kids. Those kind of comments were even harder to take in I guess, then when I "came clean" about it, the support just wasn't what I thought it would be I guess.

But I will say, I have come across some things on this site that I have thought were rather unsensitive, and some things that I think were maybe just said to peeve someone off. Such as someone sharing their heartbreaking news about their dh having azoospermia, someone said "well have you thought about adoption?"

And no I don't believe, and will not ever believe "don't think about it and it will happen" For one, I don't think it is even physically possible to "not think about it". Personally, a baby is and until it happens, will always be on my mind. I drive myself crazy wanting and thinking about life with baby, I do not have an on off switch whether I am going to think about how much I want to be a mom or not. If someone has this ability I would really like to hear from them.

 

[Princess Lou]

And no I don't believe, and will not ever believe "don't think about it and it will happen" For one, I don't think it is even physically possible to "not think about it". Personally, a baby is and until it happens, will always be on my mind. I drive myself crazy wanting and thinking about life with baby, I do not have an on off switch whether I am going to think about how much I want to be a mom or not. If someone has this ability I would really like to hear from them.

Whether you believe it or not, there has been millions spent on research and thousands of man hours that support the statement, but if you are not willing, and it doesn't sound like you are, to even think that it's a possibility then you will never be one of those lucky ones that can not think of TTC for even a short time. For every single one of us in this section, a baby is on our minds 24/7 but that doesn't mean we aren't relaxed. At the end of the day, not stressing over something is easier said than done but you have to be at least prepared to embrace the possibility of not getting stressed and not always thinking baby, baby, baby. Having other things going on in your life to focus on will help and I'm not for one second saying "Just relax and it will happen", I hate it as much as the next person, what I'm saying is, "By not relaxing, you may be preventing it." You may not see the difference but there is one.

 

[susan_1981]

I had so many comments like that. I had a miscarriage pretty soon after we first started trying but I have to say that I was the one who said at least I know I can get pregnant. It was the "just relax" comments that drove me insane. People who haven't suffered infertility will never know what it's like. How you can't just relax and how it is pretty much all you think about.

So sorry you are going through this but hopefully you will get that sticky BFP soon x

 

[Molae06]

Re read your post. I see you said "with those who are unexplained". Maybe there is research, but there is also many articles and research done saying that stress is not a contributing factor. Either way, relaxing for any reason is obviously good for ones health.

On the other hand, I don't think that relaxing is the reason I do not ovulate. I don't think it would make a difference either way. I do have a lot of things going on in my life, ie; working 12 to 14 hours a day in order to finance the fertility treatments, definitely takes my mind off off ttc for those 12 to 14 hours a day.

And just like you said, just because ttc is on my mind 24/7 doesn't mean I'm not relaxed. But then again, what is relaxed? I think again it would differ for every individual

 

[Princess Lou]

On the other hand, I don't think that relaxing is the reason I do not ovulate. I don't think it would make a difference either way. I do have a lot of things going on in my life, ie; working 12 to 14 hours a day in order to finance the fertility treatments, definitely takes my mind off off ttc for those 12 to 14 hours a day.

And just like you said, just because ttc is on my mind 24/7 doesn't mean I'm not relaxed. But then again, what is relaxed? I think again it would differ for every individual

If you don't ovulate (you never mentioned the issues you were having or how long for and I don't like pry so never asked) no matter how much you 'relax' it isn't going to change it. But working that many hours usually (not in all cases) causes stress even for those who love their job. Make sure that not everything you do is about the baby though, take time just for you and you and your partner. The last thing you need when dealing with fertility treatments and outsiders not knowing what to say is a strained relationship, not saying that's what you have, far from it, simply that too many couples become all about the baby and forget why they are together in the first place.

For me, a relaxed mind is achieved by knowing that I am using my unfortunate situation to try and educate people about infertility and knowing that once a week, hubby and I sit down and discuss any fears/hopes etc that are playing on our minds. We dedicate one evening a week to couple time and one evening a week where he can do whatever he pleases (I stay at home all day and he's at work 60 or so hours a week) making sure we remember why we fell in love in the first place and appreciating each other. This helps me to stay sane and not lose my mind over TTC. Other couples may see a therapist to help them through things and keep relaxed, others workout, etc.

And one more thing about your original point, when family someone says something that you find upsetting etc, tell them and help guide them in what they could have said. If you keep it to yourself you may end up doing something you will regret. Before I opened up to people about TTC, I had took enough of people asking when we were going to start and what was taking us so long and someone interrupted (it was at a family event) by saying "She will get pregnant if/when God decides she will be a worthy mother." I was so wound up that I broke their nose. What they said was wrong on so many levels (really don't get me started on that) but did they really deserve two black eyes and an Emergency Room trip? Maybe it wouldn't have happened if I didn't bottle things up. Don't regret it though, she's an absolute cow that doesn't believe in fertility treatments and claims to live by the philosophy "What's meant to be will be" but has no problem running to the doctors office every time she feels a twinge and will take as many drugs as necessary to sort out her 'mental problem's but I can't take drugs to sort out my real fertility problems. Hmmm, not much resentment there.

 

[KatherineA]

Does anyone else just have a really insensitive family? (Even if they aren't trying to be hurtful??) I just recently "came out of the closet" about my infertility to my parents. Recently me, dh, and my mom were on our way to the casino to hang out for a bit and I got on the topic of my prescription, and my mom said "I know I've said this before.....but maybe if you just didn't think about it so much it would happen." She's made other comments in the past like "Is that all you guys think about is having a baby?" Sometimes I wish I never said anything.

When I told my sister about my chemical pregnancy about a year ago, she said "well, most people have at least one miscarriage before they get pregnant" and now all she says since then is "well, at least we know you can get pregnant now"

DH's family, especially nosey sister always asks why we aren't "waiting". Waiting for what I tell her, I am about to be 25, dh is about to be 28, not sure what age is appropriate enough for her...? She also says "If it's not working maybe you should stop wasting your money." ...and what? Try nothing?

I can deal with ignorance and commentary from friends and people I don't know very well, but how am I supposed to deal with comments from the people closest to me? I know they aren't trying to be hurtful, and there's no possible way they could understand what it's like, but I just wish they could sympathize.

Ditto Molae, I know how you feel!! Best thing to do is only talk about it to people who are going through the same thing and therefore understand what it is like to walk in your shoes