Fear of pregnancy & childbirth b/c of past abuse

[NatureLover]

I'll cut to the chase.... I never thought I would be pregnant because of PCOS and the fact that I was getting older (now I'm 39). I love kids and teach them for a living. I always thought I would end up adopting or just being a crazy aunt to all my friends' children.

In a weird way I was secretly thankful I couldn't have children (or so I thought). Being pregnant (so far) has been awful. And I am TERRIFIED of childbirth.

I experienced sexual abuse as a child, and it has taken me a long time to get over it. Or at least, I thought I was over it until getting pregnant.

Being pregnant is bringing up so many negative feelings - being out of control of my body, feeling uncomfortable or in pain with no escape, etc. I could probably handle the pregnancy, but gyno exams and childbirth? Ugh...

I am afraid of how much it will hurt, I'm afraid I'll go into some shock state like I have in the past where I just disappear mentally and emotionally, I'm afraid I'll have flashbacks, I'm afraid my vagina will be irreparably harmed, I'm afraid of random people/doctors coming into the room and just being on display basically for whomever is there the day/night I'm in labor. I just feel like all my privacy and control is going to get taken away, and I'm going to end up in pain the rest of my life (for a LONG time I had such bad vaginal spasms and pain I couldn't even have sex - didn't have sex til I was almost 30!).

I don't want a Caesarean. I just want to know it isn't going to be as horrible as being abused, but I feel all the same horrible feelings. The fact is, I cannot escape pregnancy. The baby has to come out.

I really haven't told anyone I feel this way because I feel like people just want to be joyful and talk about what color strollers to buy and what name you're picking. And all their joy just makes me feel even worse when inside I am dying. I am getting so depressed, feel so isolated, embarrassed I can't behave like a normal woman and be happy about the baby, and I can't stop crying.

And yes, I've been through counseling. Please don't recommend counseling as it really doesn't help. The trouble is when you are abused at a very young age, you never really 100% "get over it." And you can't always stop random flashbacks and nightmares.

Should I tell my doctors? Or are they going to be insensitive and not helpful? Has anyone gone through this and how did you get through it without going crazy?

 

[tristansmum]

Firstly I have no experience in this. But I would say you need to tell your doctor how you are feeling. You said you are feeling depressed. Surly there must be something that can be done to help you but if you don't ask for the help then you winy get it. Childbirth does not have to be undignified. You can decline vaginal examinations before and during labour. You don't need to give birth with your legs in stirrups and a bunch of people watching. There are. Lots of better positions to give birth in that expose you less and feel less vulnerable. But really do talk to your doctor so he/she cam ensure you are comfortable at the birth.
Also fimd a friend to chat to. Yes everyone likes to chat about the fun aspects of pregnancy bit a true friend will be there for good and bad. Good luck. I hope everything goes well for you

 

[solitaire89]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, and I'm sorry that I cannot offer you any specific advice, but I didn't just want to read and run.

Labour and birth does not have to be the undignified experience that is portrayed in the media. As a PP said, you can refuse internals. I only had 2 and they were at my call. I had said before labour that I would be refusing all internal exams, and it was all agreed with my MW. If I hadn't agreed, I would not have had them. As for the pain, it doesn't have to be a horrendously painful experience. I had a truly pain free and drug free labour and home birth using Natal Hypnotherapy. In fact, that may be something to help you to retain control over your labour - have you thought about a home birth? You are in control of your surroundings, and it's much easier for you to call the shots on what happens during your labour. It also means that you're not going to have all and sundry waltzing in on you unexpectedly. The only people around when I was labouring were my husband and one midwife who sat out in the hall and didn't really show a face at all. When I actually birthed my baby, only my husband and the same midwife were in the room with me, and another mw was standing out on the hallway. I was standing, so I was very certainly in control - not lying down with everyone else in charge and telling me what to do. The Natal Hypnotherapy also meant that I felt fully in control during my whole labour. I worked all day in early labour, got home, had a bath, did my makeup and hair (was going out, but then decided against), went out for fish and chips, ate them, went for a walk, watched a film and then slept on the sofa for a bit. It was not rushed, stressful, undignified, I wasn't in pain or distressed. I know I don't have anything like your reasons for fear, but even before I was ttc I was so scared of labour and birth that I sat in my doctor's surgery and cried my eyes out. The Natal Hypnotherapy removed all the fear that I had surrounding the whole process (including pregnancy) and helped me to view labour and birth as a natural process which doesn't have to be a horrendous experience.

You are a strong woman, though you may not feel it right now. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Bonnie11]

Honey you NEED to tell this all to your midwife/doctor. They will be able to help you but only if they know. I know it must be incredibly traumatic having to tell people but they really will help. They can out you in touch with specialist midwives or support workers that will be able to help you. Not in terms of counselling but practical help and advice and show/tell you what to expect. You can refuse internals if you wish, however if you want to have a natural birth it will be inevitable that there will be some need for the midwife/doctor to be slightly hands on when you are delivering. With childbirth you can never tell what will happen and if you do end up needing any help, forceps/episiotomy etc then if your care staff know how you feel they can be more sympathetic to your situation.
Please talk to people about this, your partner, midwife and doctor to start with. You are not the first person to feel like this and you won't be the last, but they can't help you unless they know. No one will judge you or think you are being silly, you went through something traumatic and life changing and no one will think any less of you for asking for help.
You can do it mumma xx

 

[Dtswife]

I have not had the same experiences you are having, but when we got pregnant, I watched the movie Orgasmic Birth (stupid title, good birth movie) which mainly focuses on home and natural birth, but had lots of ideas to help any type of birth go well.

There was an interview with a woman who had been abused as a child about her pregnancy and birth experience that you might find very helpful. She talks about feeling powerless and how her birth actually changed that feeling significantly and why. The film overall is very good for obtaining perspective on childbirth as it is very non-scary, shows normal births going well and portrays what your birth can be with preparation and careful selection of your care provider. It's $1.99 on amazon instant watch for a week long rental.

And totally decline all internal exams. They don't really tell you jack anyway. At any time. You can walk around at 4 cm for weeks, or be totally not dilated at all and have a baby in 8 hours. During birth, a good provider should be able to assess you by your behavior and other signs. Google has a TON of info; some searching should get you enough ammo to at least make your OB discuss it in depth with you.

 

[Mummy Bean]

I was abused for numerous years as a kid...however my brain coping mechanisim has been to complelty wipe out most of the memories... so whilst i can relate in a way, i cant in others.

everyone deals with stuff differently so stuff that helped me may be awful for you.

personally i watched every possible child birth video i could get my hands on. This way i felt that i knew what each possible situation could be like, and i would know if any thing was not right. I personally didnt want a set birth plan, as i felt if i focused too much on a dream birth i would freak out if it didnt go to plan. I may not want a section, or exams, forcepes ect but at the end of the day if baby needed help i would do what was ness.

perhaps look into a home birth, this way there only two midwives with you, and most of time they female. then you can feel in control and be in a familar surroundings with the support you want. also you can have a water birth with the lights low and long nighty on.

second option hire a doula, some one you can build a rapport with and explain your situation to. this way they can fight your battles for you, with out having to tell everyone that walks in what u do and dont want.

thirdly maybe look into hypno birthing...there some amazing stories on here and other sights. i think the technique can help you focus the mind on some thing (obvio normally not the pain - but you can use it to focus on the positives of what you are doing...bringing life into this world)

for me i had a hospital birth as i wanted the option of an epidural. For me birth was ok...i was so 'in the zone' and focusing on what was happening...yes it freaking painful but that all i could think about...didnt get a chance to contemplate other things. i did end up with an epi toward the end as bean got a bit stuck...and it was amazing...took the edge of the pain but i was able to chat and laugh with hubby and midwife.

however to be honest i did give birth with legs in stirrups with OH and two others in the room. that was the worst bit...as i felt so exposed. but i just kept repeating to my self that i was doing this for a baby and it got me through.

you need to think of how you will feel most safe, what things can surround ur self with to help focus you.

Hope all goes well xx

 

[Viola Payne]

I was badly sexually assaulted as a teen. Like you I went through therapy, which helped me a lot. But, like you said, I have never gotten over it (wtf does that even mean?!). Fast forward almost 2 decades and there I was happily pregnant. I wasn't going to tell my mw about my past history because I didn't want it to be relevant. Also, I was planning on having a home birth so didn't think the loss of control would Happen. Then, a friend convinced me to tell my midwife and I did a about a month before my due date. Then, after 26 hours of labouring at home I decided to go to the hospital because I was scared becuse it was taking so long plus i was tired of the pain. It was a horrendous experience, I can't lie. Ultimately a super c*nt nurse kept trying to get me to labour on my back with my knees pinned to my chest. I kept saying no but she kept saying "but it's best for baby, why don't you want what's best for your baby?" My midwife only helped her and got angry with me for being "non compliant", despite that she knew. Eventually after an hour of intense abuse I "agreed" to labour in that position becuse the nurse refused to help me otherwise and I was afraid that thy were going to take the baby away. Then, I blacked out, can't remember at all the first time I held my son, there's just a hole where the memory should be.

Now, I am pregnant again, and never again will I make the mistake of going to the hospital if there isn't a medical emergency. If my live or that of my unborn child require for me to go, then I will. Another thing I am going to do differently this time is that I'm going to have an advocate with me - some one who knows my past and will stand up for me, a doula could work but I would definitely make sure it's someone who practice from a woman centred place. Also, this time, two questions I will ask when interviewing potential midwife: (1) of your last 10 clients how many had c-sections? (2) do you agree or disagree that a "healthy baby is all that matters"? If they say 3+ to (1) OR yes to (2) do not hire them/fire them

You do need to tell someone, but only someone who you know will be on your side and will have your back. Someone who isn't easily influenced by others, some one you can trust - other than the daddy. It might feel weird having that person there becuse if you're like me the idea of anyone seeing my vagina makes m quesy, but after last time this I know now is most important.

apologies for the long and somewhat alarming response.