Feel so alone right now...

[worrying]

Sorry for the longish and random post. I just don't know what to do right now.

About 6 years ago, at my grandfathers 90th birthday party, my mum's husband gave me a hug to say thank you for bringing food or whatever.. During which he held me really close and reached down and groped my arse. I immediately got the hell out of dodge and told my husband who simply shrugged it off as "A bit weird"

I ultimately ended up convincing myself it didn't happen, until it happened again a while later. Since then I have not allowed any physical contact between us. Not even a handshake. I'm really uncomfortable being around him, he always sits with his hand in his crotch literally fingering his gooch and it makes me feel ill. I eventually told my mum when she confronted me about being so off with him, but she too just shrugged it off as him being 'very affectionate'. Personally I think there is a very clear line between OK and not OK, but whatever, I went back to avoiding physical contact and keeping it to myself.

Now here's the thing. My mum doesn't drive and they are about to move far enough away that if she comes to see me, he'll be coming too because he will have to drive her. I told my husband that I'm really worried about this because although I really want my mum around in those first few days and weeks after this baby is born, I really DON'T want him around. Establishing breast feeding is difficult and you can't really use a cover and I just can't bare to be doing that with him around. I feel sick about it.

My husband just told me that I'd just have to take the baby upstairs alone to feed.

I said that that was a horribly unsupportive thing to say. He responded that if I make a big deal out of this I'll just blow my family apart.

I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like if anybody should have my back on something like this it should be my husband. He's making me feel like I'm just making things awkward and it's my fault.

I can't talk to my mum. If I tell my dad shit will really hit the fan. I don't have many friends. I feel like I want to leave, but I've nowhere to go.

 

[robo123]

Aw Hun this sounds awful! Stand your ground. It is not ok for him to grope you that's sexual harassment. You also need to feel comfortable in your own home. I can't believe your mum and hubby! Me personally I would stand strong and be honest that he is not welcome and the reason why. X

 

[jamiegrl24]

What a horrible and disrespectful man your step dad is! Well..all I can say is, you are right to feel the way you are feeling and I would be livid if the people closest to me just shrugged and made it seem like I was overreacting.

First plan of attack: You really need to sit down and stress the gravity of the situation to your husband. Tell him you need him to understand exactly what he did and how he touched you, down to the nitty gritty of how it felt. And I hope you have mentioned how he fondles himself. If he still feels that standing your ground is too much, I would remind him this is actually a crime, and maybe your time would be better spent at the police station filling out a sexual battery report and speaking with your assigned detective. I mean...if he really thinks standing up for you would "blow the family apart" maybe the reminder that step dad could very well have a court date would wake him up.

Second plan: A serious conversation is in order with your mother, even though I know you said you told her. Include all details you share with hubby.

Third: I would tell him straight to his face that if he touches you again, you are calling the police. "Family" or not. If you end up letting him come over, I would establish the rules straight away. But really if it were me, he would NOT be welcome in my home. The last think you need is stress and feeling unsupported, especially when you have new baby and are breastfeeding.

Ugh. I'm sorry for you and sending you strength to stand up for yourself!

 

[WackyMumof2]

WTF?! I'm so sorry. I would have expected more support from your husband and your mother. Over affectionate is NOT an excuse! He is your stepfather so no, his behaviour is NOT okay and I would not want him in my home or around my children either!

Why can't Mum come without him? Yes, I know you said she doesn't drive but maybe if you offer to pay one way on a bus ticket for her she might be happy to take public transport. Your home so you should be able to feed your baby where ever you feel comfortable. Why should you have to leave to feed in privacy? And honestly, if your husband and mother aren't taking your feelings seriously, I would really urge you to talk to your Dad regardless of his reaction. He's your Dad, he loves you and he NEEDS to know how this man has made you feel.

 

[worrying]

Thank you all so much!

I think I have finally gotten through to my husband, though I'm still really disappointed by his initial reaction. He says he was just trying to look at the practical side, but I really wanted him to be angry and protective. I don't need him to fight my battles, but I do want him to validate them. He has at least agreed to support me in banning him from the hospital and home for at least the first few weeks after birth.

The entire thing just leaves me so angry.

 

[nordicpixie83]

Thank you all so much!

I think I have finally gotten through to my husband, though I'm still really disappointed by his initial reaction. He says he was just trying to look at the practical side, but I really wanted him to be angry and protective. I don't need him to fight my battles, but I do want him to validate them. He has at least agreed to support me in banning him from the hospital and home for at least the first few weeks after birth.

The entire thing just leaves me so angry.

I can imagine it must be awful not having the support. You defiantly need to sit with your mum AND husband to make your feelings clear. Talk to your bio dad as well . At the end of the day this is ALL about you. Your body , your pregnancy, your home , your birth , your right to have who you want in your space .xxxx

 

[laila 44]

Oh my goodness please keep this man far far away from your child and never leave him unsupervised around baby. Very sickening. I'd tell my mom to come alone and if she has a problem with that then I'd have a problem with her as my mother. Sorry but this totally unacceptable and your mom of all people should have your back

 

[worrying]

Should clarify that I was 19 when my mum married him, 17 when they met. I refuse to call him my stepfather, he never knew me as a child and had no hand in raising me. Not that that really makes it better. He's the love of her life and she honestly just doesn't see it.

He also has a number of serious health issues so we 'mustn't upset him' lest it brings on a seizure.

It's just a no win situation. I certainly won't allow my 3 year old daughter to be alone with him though.

 

[kewpie]

Hey worrying, I would feel angry and sick about it too. This man has put you in this position where you have to make a tough call and I would 100% go with your gut -
don't compromise to keep anyone else happy. 'Keeping the peace' would mean absolutely nothing if your own internal peace was sacrificed by allowing him to come and visit. If it were me, he would not be allowed in my home.

It's massively disappointing when a partner minimises our reaction. When my partner does this occasionally it makes me furious, because we want them to come out fighting for us immediately. Perhaps when you talk about the issue with him again you could ask him why his initial reaction was to protect your mum and her husband instead of you. Some people are just so afraid of conflict and this is why sexual harrassers get away with so much, because people hate a 'fuss'. Make him question his own reaction as you should be his priority.

You have the absolute right to have only the people YOU want in your home, especially at the precious time of raising a young family. Your own mum has to respect your wishes and I agree with the others, if she wants to come she will have to come alone. Leave that decision up to her and don't be swayed. Always remind yourself it's her husband's actions that have put you in this difficult position - you certainly aren't being difficult.