Feel traumatised after my son's surgery

[Zephram]

I'm not really sure where to post this, but I thought I'd put it here since I made a thread not too long ago about how to prepare my LO for surgery. Well, today he had his eye surgery, it went well and all things considered he coped like an absolute champ. He's just gone to bed at home (day surgery) as per usual, but I am feeling like a total failure because I haven't coped well and I just need to talk about it somewhere.

The last few days have been very stressful with trying our best to make sure LO understood what was going to happen. He's four, which is a tough age for this as he understands some, but not the finer details, of what happened. Trying to explain the general anaesthetic to him has been a total disaster and since having his latest immunisations when he turned four he has been frightened of needles and every time we go to an appointment he has been worried about getting 'pinched' by the needle. He has been in tears a few times over the last couple of weeks about it and it all hurting him. Luckily we managed to get him put to sleep with a mask before they put the line in his hand, so he didn't have to have a needle come anywhere near him while he was awake.

Anyway, the stress building up to this surgery and then the stress of today has got me. I went with him into theatre and held his hand while they put him to sleep. He was so brave, he worked so hard on blowing up the balloon attached to the mask like they asked him. After a few breaths when he started going out he obviously realised what was happening and turned to look at me and I saw his pupils dilate and his face go blank. His eyelids fluttered closed and they took me out of the theatre. It is the most terrifying thing I've ever seen. He seemed afraid in that last second when he looked at me.

And then we spent almost an hour waiting for him to get to recovery so we could go see him. At the time I thought I was coping, I read the news and we finally had some breakfast (we didn't eat at home because LO couldn't eat and we had to leave our house at 6am) so I was certifiably hangry as well by that time.

When we got to recovery he was quiet but when he saw me he must have relaxed and let it out because he started this really distressing cry that I've never really heard him do before and he cried for a really long time. I think it was confusion as much as pain. He cried even after we got back to his room. Eventually he calmed down enough to eat a popsicle and the nurse put Hpapy Feet on TV for him and he relaxed and ate some food, etc. We gave him a present we bought him, which he loved.

We got to leave a couple of hours later and by that time he was quite chirpy again but very pale and emotionally fragile. He had a nap on the way home and we picked up our 17 month old from my mum (who incidentally I also was worrying about as he had to have his nap away from me when I still bf him to sleep... but he was fine too, he went to sleep in the buggy for my mum).

My four year old is supposed to have eye drops in his eyes 4 times a day. Well, shit hit the fan when we tried to get him to take these. He refused point blank and ran out of the house screaming and up the street. Shit you not, he ran up the street screaming rather than have eye drops. We couldn't bribe him with anything or in anyway convince him to do it, so we had to hold him down and even then he screwed up his eye so tightly that nothing went in. This is about when I started losing it as I started worrying his eye will get infected and he'll lose his vision or something. OH was not worried about it and then I got mad at HIM. We had a fight about it in front of the kids (arghhhh so bad)... like I literally have lost my mind. He was strung out too from the events of the day and we really went at each other. I feel so guilty and ashamed. I then cried my eyes out in front of the kids and OH basically told me to go to the bedroom and get it out (he meant pull myself together, haha). We made up again after, but still, what a shit mum.

I feel so unworthy because I was meant to be strong for my son and I lost it. All I keep seeing in my head is him being out to sleep and thinking I won't see him again. I'm usually a very rational person, I've had surgery four times myself and I've never worried about it at all, but seeing that happen to my son has broken me. I seriously feel traumatised. My beautiful son really took it like a little trooper, but I have lost my shit. Seriously. I'm so traumatised and sad. This is not a normal reaction, right? What is wrong with me?

Sorry, I don't really know the point of this thread but I have to get it out somewhere. I hope I will feel better tomorrow, as I've been up since 5:30am and I'm exhausted. Plus I didn't sleep last night for having dreams about his coming surgery... so yeah... meh. I just want to add that I'm usually very rational and I don't have anxiety about my kids health at all usually. I just can't stop seeing this picture of him losing consciousness. Will it go away?

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

My daughter was 1 and had to be put to sleep..I broke. Seeing your child limp isn't ideal.


You'll get through it. Talk to a counselor if need be.

 

[6lilpigs]

Your post has made me tear up, bless his little heart xxxx
You both did a great job! You cannot prepare any of you for all the emptions before hand. Would your little boy respond better with the drops if you were able to find a really cool marble jar reward and each time he had his drops he put a bright sparkly marble in the new jar with a cool toy or day out when he got to a certain number! Best of luck xx

 

[.Mrs.B.]

 

[Loozle]

Big hugs. My daughter went under general anaesthetic 3 times and was sedated several times before her 1st birthday. The last time she went under general anaesthetic was for brain surgery. The scariest part is seeing them put to sleep. It broke my heart every time and I sobbed every time. I still get upset thinking about it now but it's not something that's on my mind anywhere near as much as it was. It will get easier as time goes on and you are definitely not a bad mum. I hope it gets easier to put the drops in too x

 

[sequeena]

Seeing your child go under anaesthetic is traumatising, especially when they are so little. I've never been under general so had no idea what to expect. Thomas screamed and screamed because of the needle and suddenly he was limp in my arms. As soon as I put him on the operating table I burst into tears. His surgery will be 4 years ago this year and it still bothers me. You're not alone. He's due for more surgery this year and I'm dreading it.

 

[_Meep_]

He sounds like he did absolutely great! But I would be traumatised too by watching it happen ... like watching your child die or something. I'm terrified of the prospect of ever having to watch one of my children go into surgery.

In my personal experience with anaesthetic, it's actually a wonderful, peaceful, euphoric feeling just before you pass out. While he may have looked blank and frightened at the moment he went under, he may well not have been.

I hope you feel better soon, once you've all healed from the shock and trauma of the operation. He presumably really needed the surgery and will be better off for having it in the long run. That definitely doesn't make you a bad mum! If you were a bad mum, you wouldn't bother or care at all.

 

[sequeena]

Meep that's exactly what it felt like. He was just gone. That's what bothers me the most. I just can't get rid of that image.

 

[_Meep_]

That's so horrible. Obviously that's the last thing any of us ever want to see or think about. Ugh. When I hear news stories and things about awful stuff happening to children, I generally end up crying these days as I instantly start imagining what it would be like if that was my child ... so I'm pretty sure witnessing her get anaesthetised would damage me for life too.

 

[salamander91]

Big hugs to you both. My son has to have grommets soon and I'm dreading seeing him go under. I can only imagine how traumatic it is to watch xxx

 

[staralfur]

I'm sorry. I don't think you're overreacting, it's a stressful situation and I think it is normal to be very emotional.

I made my DH go in with my LO when she went under general anesthetic because I knew I wasn't going to handle it well. It is a scary thing and just picturing it sent me into tears which is why I avoided it! So I definitely can understand how you're feeling and why.

I think that once everything isn't so fresh and your LO is back to normal that you'll feel much better. It's okay to give yourself some time to be emotional about it, it did just happen after all. I think the fact that you are so emotional about it proves that you are a great mom who cares immensely about her children. Hang in there, it will get better.

 

[AngelUK]

So many hugs from me too! I can totally understand your reaction. Wanting to help and protect your son and being helpless and having to let go and trust in someone else to help. And seeing him go to sleep like that... I can just imagine how scary this would be. You are not a bad mum, your reaction was real and you have not damaged your child with it.

 

[catty]

I used to stay with them as a student nurse and having absolutely no connection with the child sometimes id still get a lump in my throat watching them go under never mind as a mother!!
Your feelings are perfectly normal i hope you will feel a bit better soon and it can soon be a distant memory

 

[Teri7489]

I just want to hug you! Watching you kids go through something like that is horrific! It's hard with the build up, the actual procedure then the come down from it all, it's no wonder tensiona were running high. My son has been in and out of hospital with breathing problems and even as a nurse, I cried every single time. Watching my boy lie there struggling to breathe was the worst! Try to wipe the slate clean and startidy again. My husband and I fall out everytime the kids are unwell but it's just because we care so much about them. Just need to try to get past it and move on to the next task. Huge hugs lovely! x

 

[Zephram]

Thanks so much everyone, you've made me feel a lot better!

I don't feel quite so traumatised by the whole thing today, which is good, but I couldn't sleep at all last night for having it on my mind, so I'm still really exhausted. I don't feel like I'm going to lose my marbles anymore though.

I'm still really surprised that I handled it so badly. Leading up to the surgery I was mostly just worried about LO's recovery and him feeling pain, but I never thought about how it might affect me watching him go through it. I feel like a total failure for breaking down about it when he came through it absolutely fine. It's just immeasurably difficult to see your child go through something like that... horrible. All things considered he's done a marvellous job of getting through it, I'm so proud of him.

He's doing so well today, he is a bit tired but he's bouncing right back. We're still having issues with the eye drops though, I'm not sure how much, if any, has gone in. Just hoping it's enough to make sure it doesn't get infected!

 

[CaptainMummy]

Huge hugs!
My daughter had to go to theatre twice in 3 days a few months ago. I handled it surprisingly well, but you just can't help but feel so helpless.

As for the eye drops, could you get him to close his eyes, then put a drop (or however many is needed) in the cornee of his eye, and then use your fingers to quickly open his eyelids? My eldest two girls have had a fair few bouts of conjunctivitis each and I found this the best way to do it and they both seemed okay about it. It might not be ideal but at least you know some of it is getting in there x

 

[Bevziibubble]

That must have been so hard having to see him like that. I don't think you handled it badly. I can imagine many being like that in such a horrible situation

 

[ferens06]

Just reading your experience has horrified me, thinking about any of my children being put to sleep like that. It must have been very frightening. I would say what you feel is normal, really not nice, but normal. Hugs xx

 

[AnneD]

Hugs, I cried just reading your post.

 

[kirstybumx3]

I'm so sorry you feel this way. It is so horrible to have to watch your child be put to sleep and taken to theatre. Rio was 6 weeks old when we had to do it, I honestly felt like they were taking him away forever. I went to the canteen and cried non stop for hours. I think it's normal for you to feel the way you have been and please don't beat yourself up for being angry/upset etc. You are human, and you are a mum! We all get like that sometimes. You've been through a lot and it would be unreasonable to think you should be fine. Hope you are feeling better. X