Feeling a bit isolated

[Kit]

I don't know if anyone else ever feels like this but, just recently, I have been feeling as though I am in a tiny minority in terms of a lot of things that I do or that I believe about parenting my baby. I have a close friend who is either in agreement with the things I do, or is supportive of other things, but generally I am feeling like most people think I am a bit of a nutcase!
If you had asked me a couple of years ago what sort of parent I would be, I would not have expected to be doing most of the things I do. But since having my LO I have found that a lot of things have fallen into place - that place just isn't the place I expected!
I see very clearly that some things are right and beneficial - I may not be able to do those things to the ideal level, but I want to get close if I can. But a lot of people, both in real life and on this site seem to think that the ideas I agree with (whether expressed by me or by others) are a bit off the wall. I find it surprisingly difficult.
I understand not wanting to have facts rammed down your throat where you have been forced into taking a less than ideal route - for example I have said many times that I loathe and detest posts about formula being harmful when so many people have no choice but to use it. But it is starting to feel like the further I move along a "natural parenting" path, the less valid my views become in most people's eyes. I am generally pretty conventional and not used to being in the minority where opinions are concerned. I find it a bit difficult.

 

[Lu28]

Aww hon, I could have written that post myself a while back My family and friends all seem to think I've lost the plot as what I do now is the polar opposite to how they expected me to be. No-one I know in real life really breastfeeds, BLW, uses cloth, babywears etc and I think they reckon it;s some kind of weird fad

The longer I've been doing all this though, the less I care. It works for us and they can all roll their eyes as much as they want.

 

[polo_princess]

No advice on this one hun im afraid but just a quick keep your chin up your doing a great job, if you believe in it and it works for you then screw what anyone else thinks!!

 

[Kit]

Thank you. I didn't mean to sound as fed-up as I did in that post. I am pretty content with the way I do things - I just feel like everyone else thinks I am insane! If I didn't feel so strongly that I am doing things in a normal, instinctive, natural way it wouldn't worry me, but I just feel a bit put out that I am doing some fairly normal things and being treated with a kind of amused tolerance!

 

[Lu28]

I get the impression my family are appeasing me in a way. My BIL seems convinced that Ive signed up to natural parenting full tilt because it's the new fashionable thing to do I don't even do cosleeping etc!

 

[anothersquish]

TBH I am the only person I know who parents the way I do. My mother doesnt get some of it but she just goes along with it, though she has expressed that she doesnt agree with self weaning but wont be mean to me about it. My sister doesnt do things like I do at all, shes a great mum but our parenting styles are rather different, she only BF hers til 3-6 months old so I dont have her to talk to about BFing later and she has never co-slept or baby worn etc.
Im kinda alone in what I do but Im proud of it. So many people comment on how happy Theo is, how freely he smiles, what a 'good' baby he is....I guess we must be doing something right.
I love how I do things and despite others not really getting it I wouldnt change it for the world. Be happy with who you are and what you are doing, even though I am totally different from the other mums at any of the baby groups I still relate to them as a mum (plus they love my cloth, even if they would never use them!) I dont really talk about my parenting choices as yes, it does seem that suddenly your opinion is less valid if you are grouped in with "natural parenting" and it seems a shame for people not to take fair advise and valid opinion on a stereotypical judgement.
Maybe you could find a local group to go too? Do you have any baby massage, baby yoga, baby club type groups? I find people are generally very accepting and are genuinely curious, I just wait til people ask questions about my wraps/cloth etc before saying anything!

 

[littlestar]

I could have written that myself.
I have SIL;s with LO's and neither parent the same way as each other yet alone the same way as me (one started weaning her LO at 11 weeks - that's another story) so for BLW and cloth nappying, and carrying him (in a baby bjorn) is beyond them, my mum just seems to let me get on with it and MIL is super supportive in comparison.

Luckily i found a bfdg group where a couple of the ladies are totally in line with my way of thinking. although we're all open minded it's great to discuss freely the things we've done or would do differently. one ladies has literally given birth to her 10th child in this past week - they're great friends already and only known them a short while.

meeting them has given me the confidence to do more of the things i wanted to do when i was pregnant but was discouraged - wish i'd listened to myself more as i really wanted to babywear properly and fully intent of bfdg in a sling when we have #2!

 

[Lu28]

It's strange actually, the 2 ladies I ended up getting friendly with still bf their one year olds and both use cloth and I only found that out this week! Guess we gravitated towards each other!

 

[FemmeEnceinte]

Tbh, I've always felt that way... I don't really follow mainstream beliefs in things and have never been much for people's hand me down advice and tales. I rebelled a lot in my youth, paved my own way and have always been very strong willed so my family aren't surprised I've not become a sheep all of a sudden and decided to just do things because "that's the way we did it", they just think it's more of me trying to spite them when, in reality, I'm a very instinctual person and so this style of parenting was inevitable.

I like to be different, I like to do things because they feel right and I read and research a lot around things so I feel well educated in what I'm doing and content that I'm not just doing things without thinking about it properly, for myself. It's the main reason I don't make friends easily... it's not that they don't like me, it's me who thinks "Meh, another sheep... no thanks"

Feel proud, you have a mind of your own! Your Son will benefit immensely and the proof, as they say, will be in the pudding

 

[Kit]

Thanks everyone. I think I just had a bit of a moment! I think "isolated" was the wrong word - it's just that I would like the things I do and the way I do things to be able to pass without comment, or the implication that I am either trying to be different, or am just a bit weird!
I'm 100% happy with my decisions - it would just be nice if everyone else was too and if I didn't have to explain myself to old ladies on buses all the time!
I think it has hit home because there seem to have been a few situations recently where someone's opinion seems to have been rubbished on threads because they fall onto the natural parenting spectrum.

 

[polo_princess]

Some people feel intimidated by things that they dont understand which is usually why people jump on the defensive

 

[Lu28]

I think alot of us having been feeling this about some threads recently hon xxx

 

[anothersquish]

I agree, it happens and has done even more recently. Its a great shame people will dismiss an opinion because they see another person as coming under the "natural parent" umbrella, Im not sure why this, perhaps a misunderstanding of what it means....I think those of us who are around a lot know "natural parenting" encompasses a wide range of things and I believe we respect each other for our differences in parenting as well as our similarities. I have found really the only "support" I get for my parenting styles is from the girls Ive met here.

 

[DolceBella]

I think what we're all trying to say is... You're not alone, or isolated!! Welcome to the club!

 

[littlestar]

&

 

[Lillylemon]

I have recently been having similar thoughts. I am quite natural in a lot of the things I do and my diet is also different to other people as I'm vegan. I am finding the most interesting responses come when I say I'm having a home birth and no pain relief (or that's the plan!). People almost laugh or scoff and you can tell they think you're crazy. It seems like the most normal thing in the world to me though.

I think at times you just need a bit of a confidence boost and to believe in yourself. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and so many of those opinions won't agree with what you do but the main thing is that you believe in what you're doing and no-one else matters.

 

[Rebaby]

I totally understand what you mean about being happy with the way you're doing things but then not feeling like you're "allowed" to talk about it as you're then seen as preachy or written-off as some kind of crazy lady!

My sister had her LO just 4 weeks after i had Toby and has done things very differently. No better or worse, just different. Some things i can understand why she's done them, some i absolutely cannot but he's her LO and Toby is my LO and we're 2 different people with 2 different babies...but of course because they are practically the same age there are the inevitable comparisons and i feel like it's unfair because Toby comes out less favourably on their "checklist"

Sleeping through?
3 meals a day and puddings?
In his own room yet?

etc etc. And i get annoyed because it's like that "Bringing up Baby" show that was on a few years ago- they judged the 1950's method of parenting to be the "best" because it produced the result of twin babies in a by-the-clock routine with the parents free to do whatever they pleased with their time etc, but actually, it depends on what result you're looking for. I won't pretend i wouldn't like a baby who sleeps a bit longer overnight so i could catch some zzz's but i don't think the fact my baby wants to eat every 3 hours regardless of night or day makes my parenting style any less valid than my sister's (or other people's) iykwim?

Sorry- went off on one a bit there didn't i?!

Just wanted to join in the venting- it gets a bit lonely when you can't share things for fear of being treated like a loon or, worse, for fear of getting someone's back up and putting them on the defensive.

Also, this might be a little bit different to what you're talking about, but, i get this feeling that because i am very passionate about what i am doing, like breastfeeding and BLW for e.g. but obviously, as a human being, do run into problems or hiccups and want to talk about it or get advice, i feel like by saying "Well yes we're still breastfeeding but i'm finding this tricky or that a problem" or "Yes we're doing blw, but i am concerned about x, y or z" then people seem to have this really goddam annoying "knowing look" like "I told you your ideas were crazy and that you'd be wanting him on a bottle and spoon fed but you didn't listen, and now you've changed your mind haven't you?!" which isn't at all what i am saying, but people just like to think that they are right and that you'll come crawling back when you realise it

 

[Kota]

Part of me is dreading going home for exactly this reason, over here I kinda feel isolated, but I'm isolated regardless because of distance from friends/family so it doesn't affect me as much and I just get on with things. I've got one 'real life' mate over here with a baby and we couldn't do things more differently, she uses a pram, doesn't co-sleep, FF and has trad. weaned from 4months, uses disposables etc, while we still get on great as friends and mummies, I certainly couldn't talk to her about my parenting style or any issues/problems I may have as she just wouldn't understand.
Back in Oz I'll have my mother to fend off, she's off a mindframe that a 4wk old baby can manipulate you by crying and that I should use brandy for colic and having him in is own room since birth...
All my mates just think I'm some strange hippy mamma.
I have had some really positive comments about the fluffy bum photos though and a couple of mummy mates back home enquiring about what they're like to use so hopefully I'll be able to convert them!

 

[Kit]

I have recently been having similar thoughts. I am quite natural in a lot of the things I do and my diet is also different to other people as I'm vegan. I am finding the most interesting responses come when I say I'm having a home birth and no pain relief (or that's the plan!). People almost laugh or scoff and you can tell they think you're crazy. It seems like the most normal thing in the world to me though.

I think at times you just need a bit of a confidence boost and to believe in yourself. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and so many of those opinions won't agree with what you do but the main thing is that you believe in what you're doing and no-one else matters.

Definitely don't listen to anyone who tries to tell you your birth plan is silly! I always intended to have a hospital birth but I was very firm on not wanting any sort of pain relief - cue hysterical laughter from all concerned (except OH and his mum). This was in spite of me having very good reasons for my decision - I am highly resistant to anaesthetic and was under a consultant anaesthetist as I would probably have had to be knocked out if I had needed a c-section, so there were serious doubts over how effective an epidural would be - although to be honest if anyone had gone near my spine with a needle I would probably have kicked them! So epidural not an option. I have also had bad reactions to various pain-relief/anaesthetic drugs, including near fatal convulsions as a child when given ketamine. So pethidine not an option. Gas and air - I just didn't like the sound of it. Despite explaining this many times, along with the fact that I found the whole theory about childbirth hurting because we are told it will be and tense up, completely logical and plausible, everyone just thought I was being ridiculous.
They stopped laughing when I walked out of hospital 8 hours after giving birth during a 1 hour 45 minute labour with no pain relief. I know I was lucky because there were no complications but I do put a lot of it down to managing to convince myself and ignore the doubters. I won't say it was pain-free - it was pretty intense - but it certainly wasn't the screaming agony I was led to believe it would be.
Don't listen to anyone who says it has to be a certain way - we are all different.

 

[Bayleaf]

It dawned on me the other day that although quite a few of my friends have had babies recently I am the only one who does many things which fall into the natural parenting spectrum. That's the reason I'm here now :wave:
My son was born with rare(ish) chromosomal abnormalities and as a result doesn't have full use of his hands and will have to undergo radical plastic surgery later this year.
I seem to get more comments on his fluffy bum than on his dodgy thumbs though.