Feeling a bit low

[happyface82]

Hey all.

This might be a bit long. I just need to get it out but don't feel I can talk about it to anyone. I'm to embarrassed!

As some of you know I had Baby K at 36 weeks after 2 very scary months as I found out she was suffering with IUGR. I was going for scans every week to decide when she needs to come out, and in the end I had a natural labour which was a great experience! She was born small but other than that 100% healthy! So all great news really,

However. . . Once she was born the day after we took her home she developed very high jaundice and had to be readmitted. 24 hours later (whilst in hospital) she caught some sort of stomach infection and had to stay in semi-intensive care for 1 week. Needless to say this was the worst week of my life. It was horrible to take her back to hospital once we were at home enjoying her company 24/7. Also, I was in Greece at the time and they let u see her twice a day for 30 min and you are not aloud to hold her. So we went, she would cry a lot and I couldn't do anything for her. .. It killed me

Now to the point! I don't feel what I think I should be feeling for Baby K! I did after the birth, but when she was hospitalised again smt changed in me... I wasn't even really happy when I got her back home. Still now, even though I feel better and love her so much I don't feel that amazing feeling I had after birth. I lost it completely and don't get it!

I think the pregnancy complications didn't help. I was daydreaming of her arrival for months but I now realised I stopped when the problems started. I think I was too scared to daydream any more. It all changed.

I am not sure if all this makes sense. I want to feel like I did before. I want to feel this incredible feeling. I still feel soooo guilty for that week I couldn't be there for her. . . its unbelievable!

Any advice?
Thank you and sorry for the long post!
xxx

PS Sorry if this seems really stupid, I know many of you in this forum have had it so much worse! I posted in in the Baby Club section and was advised to post it on here!

 

[Anna_due Dec]

I had a 27 weeker and by the time he came home i barely felt like he was mine. it did take me longer to bond with him but i got there and i'm sure you will too. When i had to ask permission to touch my baby etc it did make bonding hard. Now though he's the centre of my universe, him and his bro and sis. it just took some time.

 

[Foogirl]

It took me a loooooong time to bond with Abby. I didn't "feel what I was supposed to" she was simply a little baby I had to take care of. Sure I liked her and thought she was the most beautiful baby in the world and longed to have her home with us, but even when we did, I never got that overwhelming rush of love that everyone seems to talk about. I had a C-section under general anaesthetic so I don't know if it would have been different if I had actually been "there" at her biirth.

The way I see it is, we are bombarded with so many articles and pictures and tv shows where new mothers are shown as bonding immediately and have this perfect little world with the baby at the centre of it and immediately would crawl over breaking glass for their babies. I'd say Abby was about 4 or 5 months before I got to that stage. And I would imagine we aren't the only ones to go through it.

The way our special little babies come into the world and what we (and they) endure in their first few weeks / months is so traumatic and emotionally draining, of course there are going to be mixed emotions. Even the strongest of people can find it very difficult to deal with (and I have always been considered to be a very strong person) What I did was trusted in myself that the bond would happen and the feelings would come - and they did, in bucket loads.

You say you are too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it - and that is very common too. It isn't the done thing to admit out loud that you may not love your baby as much as you think you should. But it is vital that you do talk because if you bottle it up you will torture yourself about it and you've quite enough to deal with, without putting that much guilt on yourself.

One thing to be aware of, and I don't want to worry you or scare you at all, but having that numb feeling may be a symptom of PND. Your health visitor should be keeping an eye on you to look out for it so be open and honest with her about all your feelings and if you need a little help getting through this, it is available for you. You could also go and speak to your GP about it if you have a friendly one. But it is all likely that you are simply having a little dip. Having your baby taken back into hospital just when you got to the point where you thought everything was ok, is bound to have shaken you a bit. Perhaps you are keeping her at arms length for fear of anything happening again. It's so much easier to deal with if you aren't fully involved. That was certainly why I didn't bond straight away. I was afraid she wouldn't survive and I didn't want to get too attached. Crazy, but it made sense to me at the time.

Is there a Bliss support group in your area? What you will have found so far is that full term mums just don't understand what we go through. Only someone who has experienced it can really know what you are going through. Have a look on the Bliss website and see what help is available. If there isn't a group, you could even start one!!

Finally (after such a mammoth posting!!) don't ever think that because your experience in NNICU was "better" than others, your problems are less worthy of consideration. Our 6 weeks was simple compared to what others went through but it still was the hardest thing we've ever done. It's not a competition, and all of us are here to support you with whatever you need.

 

[happyface82]

Thank you so much for your replies! It feels so much better to know I am not alone in this and that it is somehow normal.

I am going to register my LO at the GP tomorrow as I've only just come back to the UK and will try and talk about it with the health visitor when she comes over.

Thank you again! I really appreciate it!!

 

[poppykat]

I haven't actually posted in the premmies section before but my daughter was also born 25th April at 34+6 and we were in special care for a week. I am feeling exactly the same as you are. I love my daughter very much but still feel like I am just caring for a baby at the moment. The bond is coming slowly but I still feel like something is missing I really hope it is coming because the guilt I feel is unbelievable.

Just wanted to give you a hug and let you know you are not alone in feeling like this xx

 

[happyface82]

Hey Poppykat. Thank you for your message. Congratulations on your beautiful little girl! its nice to see I'm not the only one feeling this way. I think mostly I feel guilty for not being there for her the week she was readmitted. She was all alone and it breaks my heart. Not sure how I'm going to get over this. . .

 

[embojet]

I could have written Foogirl's response myself! You are definately not alone to feel like this, I promise it gets better! Definately talk about it, it makes it so much easier

 

[2girlsandaboy]

wow my baby girl was in the NNICU and they told me I had to leave and I fought it with ALL my being!! I made it clear as day to them that this was my child my premature child and that I was NOT leaving I don't care what your regulations are, I was there in the NICU 23 hours a day the entire stay!! I allowed them 30 minutes at shift change twice a day and I asked every half hour if I could hold my baby until they finally let me hold her!! The way I see/seen it was this is my baby and if she is going to have to live in the incubator I was going to live there right beside her. They mind as well have moved my bed right in there because I never left!! Please like the others said don't feel your story is any easier than anyone elses!! We are all here to support you!! You are in my prayers!!!!

 

[vermeil]

Foogirl said it best:

The way our special little babies come into the world and what we (and they) endure in their first few weeks / months is so traumatic and emotionally draining, of course there are going to be mixed emotions. Even the strongest of people can find it very difficult to deal with (and I have always been considered to be a very strong person) What I did was trusted in myself that the bond would happen and the feelings would come - and they did, in bucket loads.

I understand and can sympathize 100%. I figured out quickly that bonding with these tiny delicate creatures kept in a glass cage is harder when I noticed 1. the ad on the wall looking for parents for a preemie bonding research project, and 2. the nurses insisting soooo much that we touch and interact with our little ones. Everything I have read says preemies are generally far overstimulated and really need peace and quiet, yet they kept pushing us. I recall a few times the nurses essentially guilt-tripping me into waking up my (very small, very fragile looking) baby to interact with him.

I've also felt the same way - and I know this will sound horrible - that I go see this cute little guy in the NICU every day out of obligation. Of course holding him is great, he's adorable, I love him to pieces but I don't think it's actually hit me that he's MY son. It's a really strange mix of feelings. I casually mentioned to a nurse last week "I still can't believe I'm bringing this guy home some day", pretty mild statement, and she looked shocked. I felt so guilty I just changed the topic.

And yes, in the first 48 hours he was NOT doing well, and my brain logically concluded not to get attached because he would probably die. I even thought I preferred losing him than having a severely handicapped child. His odds were so bad I had actually been offered to not reanimate him after the c section. I knew I could never, ever live with that decision. But in those very dark hours I secretly wondered if that would have been a better choice.
It does NOT make us bad parents. It's a normal reaction, a self defense system. Of course I felt awful when such thoughts popped into my head and quickly banished them. But they're normal, natural and a part of being human.

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one to feel this way. I haven't been able to share these thoughts with anyone, except partially to my husband. I agree 'normal' parents just don't understand. My pregnant friend doesn't. There are just no words to describe it, without living through this hell yourself.

*huuuuuugs* let us know how you're feeling in the next few days hmm?

 

[happyface82]

Thank you so much for your replies. I am feeling a bit better actually. The fact that other people understand and don't think I'm crazy helps a lot! I still can't talk about it. I tried to tell my husband and he didn't wanna hear it. Later on he apologised,he said it upsets him too much to talk about it so I never got to explain my feelings. Other than that I'm happier every day even if its a little!

wow my baby girl was in the NNICU and they told me I had to leave and I fought it with ALL my being!! I made it clear as day to them that this was my child my premature child and that I was NOT leaving I don't care what your regulations are, I was there in the NICU 23 hours a day the entire stay!! I allowed them 30 minutes at shift change twice a day and I asked every half hour if I could hold my baby until they finally let me hold her!! The way I see/seen it was this is my baby and if she is going to have to live in the incubator I was going to live there right beside her. They mind as well have moved my bed right in there because I never left!! Please like the others said don't feel your story is any easier than anyone elses!! We are all here to support you!! You are in my prayers!!!!

Well done for fighting this! I envy you. I think this is why I feel so guilty!! My mum kept telling me to go in there and demand to stay with my Lo but I didn't have the strength. . . I felt bad for all other parents and I felt I need to go by the rules... I still feel so so very guilty! I don't think I can ever forgive myself!

I agree Vermeil that its hard to talk about it to people who haven't been through it. They just wouldn't understand and just assume its PND. Its easy to just say!

Thank you again for your support! I will let you know how I get on!

 

[2girlsandaboy]

Well done for fighting this! I envy you. I think this is why I feel so guilty!! My mum kept telling me to go in there and demand to stay with my Lo but I didn't have the strength. . . I felt bad for all other parents and I felt I need to go by the rules... I still feel so so very guilty! I don't think I can ever forgive myself!



Thank you again for your support! I will let you know how I get on!
[/QUOTE]


I have a friend that had her twin girls at 27 weeks, although I lived 200+ miles away I felt her pain of leaving the hospital without her babies, in fact the reason for her delivery is because one of the twins had passed away and they were in the same sac so they HAD to deliver both babies, but what I am getting at is this, she told me what was going on and that they told her she could only be in there with her baby for a few hours a day, I old her that she needed to fight that with all her might, dammit that is your 2lb baby in that incubator and that is your future there, you need to be able to be around your baby as much as possible... you already lost one baby please dont do as they say and have that guilt of not taking a stand and possibly loosing the second... so she went back in the next day and told them straight up how long she was going to be there, and that if they had any problems they could talk to her dr about it because this was her baby and she was NOT leaving!! They NEVER bothered her again!! She said she had a feeling of relief being able to be in there as long as she wanted to be!! She didnt take advantage of it like I did (yes I will admit there were times when I sat in there just to be near her) but by God she told them how it was going to be and so it was!! Even though you may not be talking to baby or touching baby she/he knows you are there I guarantee it!! My babys stats were always amazing even when I just sat there in the room looking at her, she would cry her head off at shift change.... then would calm down when I or family were there!!

I honestly dont see what the problem is with mommy and daddy being in the room all day long, I can see shift change and if there were complications, or meds being given or whatnot but when baby is just laying there and nothing is going on why not let mommy and daddy be there with baby?? This issue is a big deal for me because a lot of girls dont make a stand to be there and then the worst happens, my sister didnt fight it and her baby (born at 24+2) was alive for 13 hours, she touched her for the first 13 hours of her life, the minute they made her leave the room her precious passed away... I feel in my heart if she had stayed there and kept her hands on her darling then things would have turned out different!!

THIS IS WHY I WAS SUCH A Bitch about staying there with my baby, I remember what my sister went through and I vowed I would NEVER let someone tell me I had to leave!!

I am praing for you and baby and I am sorry this was so long but this really is a dear subject to me!!

 

[vermeil]

wow... i am so, so glad we are in a nicu that allows parents 24|7 and absolutely no one else. Protects the fragile little guys and gives the parents more intimacy and quiet.

 

[Anna_due Dec]

You shouldn't feel guilty for not demanding to stay. They do set these rules up for a reason. For a start when babies are undisturbed and sleeping they can use up all their energy on important things like growing. Secondly you need to rest and eat and see sunshine so you can mentally and physically cope. Also its not always possible...i'm trying to imagine telling my 1, 4 and 8 year olds that i cant spend any time with them for god knows how many weeks because i have to be with baby no.4. you have to be realistic. most people don't make such demands, its not something to feel bad about at all.

 

[25weeker]

Try not to feel guilty for not being there 24/7. You needed to look after yourself so you can look after your lo when home. The units are very intense environments and you have to take a break for your own sanity.

Foogirl said it all and bonding will come.

As for visiting 24/7 affecting the outcome of a premature baby I don't believe this is true and only adds to the guilt us preemie mums have. I spent equal time with my twin daughters and one survived and one didn't. The sad fact is sometimes these babies bodies cannot fight anymore.

 

[Foogirl]

wow... i am so, so glad we are in a nicu that allows parents 24|7 and absolutely no one else. Protects the fragile little guys and gives the parents more intimacy and quiet.

We were allowed in whenever we wanted, and the only other visitors allowed were our parents and grandparents, but as they live quite far away, these visits were restricted. I think in 6 weeks they were in maybe twice. It was hard that my own sister couldn't come in often as she was a great strength to me. They did relent on one occasion when I had a near meltdown at home one night, Mr Foo and I had had a big fight and she was visiting me. She took me up to the hospital at 10pm and they let her in with me. But I do understand and agree with the rules, they are there to protect our babies. I can't understand there being visiting hours for parents though. We also had nurses practically forcing us to have her out for a cuddle. I stood my ground and said she needed to be in there sleeping and growing. The first time she came out she got an infection, the second she was very sick. After that I resisted unless I felt she looked like she was ready for a cuddle - no matter how much I wanted to!!

You shouldn't feel guilty for not demanding to stay. They do set these rules up for a reason. For a start when babies are undisturbed and sleeping they can use up all their energy on important things like growing. Secondly you need to rest and eat and see sunshine so you can mentally and physically cope.

I agree with this. There was one mother who was at the incubator side all day, and she didn't look well at all. We decided right from the start it was important the hospital visits didn't take over our lives, we needed time away from the situation for us both to rest and recover so when she came home we were ready for it. We did take a couple of "days off" in the early weeks when she was in the incubator and our visits were generally once a day for an hour or so, sometimes twice at the weekends. Of course everyone feels differently and each unit should accommodate that, but I just don't think I could have coped with being there for hours and hours each day.

I've also felt the same way - and I know this will sound horrible - that I go see this cute little guy in the NICU every day out of obligation. Of course holding him is great, he's adorable, I love him to pieces but I don't think it's actually hit me that he's MY son. It's a really strange mix of feelings. I casually mentioned to a nurse last week "I still can't believe I'm bringing this guy home some day", pretty mild statement, and she looked shocked. I felt so guilty I just changed the topic.

And yes, in the first 48 hours he was NOT doing well, and my brain logically concluded not to get attached because he would probably die. I even thought I preferred losing him than having a severely handicapped child. His odds were so bad I had actually been offered to not reanimate him after the c section. I knew I could never, ever live with that decision. But in those very dark hours I secretly wondered if that would have been a better choice.
It does NOT make us bad parents. It's a normal reaction, a self defense system. Of course I felt awful when such thoughts popped into my head and quickly banished them. But they're normal, natural and a part of being human.

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one to feel this way. I haven't been able to share these thoughts with anyone, except partially to my husband. I agree 'normal' parents just don't understand. My pregnant friend doesn't. There are just no words to describe it, without living through this hell yourself.

I'm surprised at the reaction of your nurse. They must hear it a lot, or at least understand the feeling. We actually used to joke with them. We said we couldn't believe she was ours but they kept giving us the same one when we went in so she must be the one we are taking home. They had a laugh with us. I even got to the point where I didn't feel bad for thinking that way because I knew I wasn't a bad person and I'd come to love her eventually.

The first thing I asked was if she was in any pain. Then what her prognosis was. I take a similar view to you, I have no doubt that if I had been told she was in pain and would be severely handicapped all her life - and face further hospitalisation or painful medical treatment, I was prepared to let her go. Again it is a very personal decision and I have the utmost respect for anyone who is actually in that situation, whatever their decision, but for us we had discussed it and we would rather she slipped away than intervene and her end up with a life she may not enjoy. Thankfully we never had to make that decision, but we certainly kept our distance emotionally whilst she was in ICU.

I was talking about this thread with my husband last week and he was giving me his take on it. He felt the same as I did and took even longer to bond, he reckoned dads have it harder (bless him!!) as when a baby is born, they have to start from scratch, whereas we have had time to bond whilst they are in the womb. He makes a good point and it got me thinking. Of course as preemie mums, we lose the bond that pregnancy brings. For me it was eleven weeks. She was moving a lot and I already had great chats with her, but she wasn't kicking (Mr Foo hardly felt it either) I started to feel close to her after we had our 3D scan and I could put a face to the wriggler. It was only 3 weeks later she was born. To lose the last eleven weeks of pregnancy bonding must surely affect our emotions too.

I'm glad you feel you can talk about it here, it is such a horrible thing to have to bottle up. Not having someone who knows (and full term mums just won't do!!) is really hard. Again I would recommend a Bliss support group. I find ours is invaluable.