Feeling desperate right now ...

[Deb111]

Hi girls

Hope you don't mind me joining you

My story (as briefly as possible)

I'm 36, dh is 44. We have been married 18 months and been TTC for most of that time. Neither of us met the 'right' person before and so neither of us have children.

After 12 months we went to GP who referred us to FS. We had 1st appt in Jan 2010 and started tests.

2nd appt was yesterday - and is what's led me to this group today ...

The FS quite quickly rushed through all my results which were all fine and then went on to my hubby's and said there was a problem with the 2nd sample. We pointed out that the first sample was normal. He said that seemed strange as 2nd sample had NO sperm whatsoever and went to check both sets of results. Came back having given the andrology dept hell for sending us a letter saying all was normal when it quite clearly wasn't!

Neither sample had ANY sperm in it. So within minutes of walking in and expecting to have referrals for HSG's etc, the focus had totally shifted from me to hubby.

He has an appt with urologist on 12th May and until then we are in total shock, limbo and floods of tears (well me anyway). Hubby is dealing with it ok outwardly but I overheard him telling one of his mates on the phone today, which I'm relieved about. I'd hate to think he didn't feel he could talk to anyone about it - we all know women need to talk and do talk, but men so easily bottle it up.

So right now, we're very up and down, minds are racing ahead with endless 'what if's' and we have been told (certainly at the moment) that there is no way we will conceive naturally. If there is no sperm being made, then that's the end for our TTC dreams and if there is, but it is being blocked some way, they will extract it and we will have to go through ICSI. There's a slim chance that it could be hormonal but I'm terrified.

I have cried, but need to try and be strong and positive for my hubby and not put that added pressure on him.

I've waited until I was 34 to meet the man that I want to share the rest of my life with and have a family with and now 2 years on, this - I just want to sit here and stamp my feet and yell that it's not fair and sob until I can sob no more ...

 

[Faithpatience]

Hi..I can understand what I r going through..trust me I have always asked this myself " why me?" but I don't seem to get any response n I have decided to go thro what am goin thro.. I know it's not at all easy but honey we don't have any other option left.. All I cam say is to stay positive n do everything possible.. At end of day atleast we know we tried..ICSI is an option for u?? Then try that out.. Am sure u will get past this darkness soon...
Take care

 

[momof4girls]

I dont really have any advice. but I wanted to say im sorry for your pain.
I really hope things look up for you.

 

[Deb111]

Hi..I can understand what I r going through..trust me I have always asked this myself " why me?" but I don't seem to get any response n I have decided to go thro what am goin thro.. I know it's not at all easy but honey we don't have any other option left.. All I cam say is to stay positive n do everything possible.. At end of day atleast we know we tried..ICSI is an option for u?? Then try that out.. Am sure u will get past this darkness soon...
Take care

Thanks for the reply

We don't know about ICSI yet - it depends on whether dh is actually producing sperm or not

 

[FBbaby]

Deb, I'm so sorry for what you and OH are going through. It is such a shock when you place yourself in ttc, accept that you have to be patient, but confident that you will get your bfp in the next few months and one minute you discover that your dream seems so far out of reach. It certainly doesn't help that you were led to believe that all was fine with the first SA. How can someone medically trained not consider that a 0 count is a problem. So infuriating.

It feels just like grieving, but it does get better and soon you will be focussing on the next steps. There will be the urologist appointment, then the referral for icsi. Hopefully you will be eligible for NHS funding. It is a really tough thing to go through, but in my case, it has certainly draw my partner and I even closer, and that is priceless.

Sending you big hug

 

[Deb111]

Thank you so much for your kind words FBbaby

I had always felt that something was wrong - although I thought it was me not dh - and everyone told me I was being silly, getting too obsessed / stressed, but I knew.

We have been told that we will get NHS funding for 1 fresh cycle and 2 frozen (IF there are enough sperm and eggs to freeze the first time round and if we do it within 12 months,) so I guess that is good to know. We will have to pay for the sperm retrieval though which is £900 - that's assuming there are sperm to retrieve ...

 

[Greta]

Hi I just wanted to say sorry about this news. It's such a shock to get such news. It's very hard on the men too. We have been going through this whole infertility thing for about a year and went through an unsuccessful IVF last month. We're going to keep trying and are trying to stay fit and positive. But it is hard. Hopefully both our sunny days will come soon. Good luck in the future. xxx

 

[Gracy 004]

Hi deb, just wanted to say hi. We are going through the same thing right now and it really is awful - there is no other way to put it really. We found out about 4 weeks ago that dh has such a low count and motility that we could not achieve a natural BFP. Its such a shock, i was the same as you i just knew something was up and everyone tells you to relax and stop obsessing etc.... which just made me feel even worse. We only tried naturally for 6 months as patience has never been my strong point! also my husband is 46 and we didnt feel like we had time to waste, but i am so glad we went when we did because otherwise i would just have had another 6 months of going nuts In the 4 weeks since we have known it has been really up and down, some days are ok, others are spent in fits of uncontrollable crying and i would say it is on my mind most of the day. We are getting ready to start our ICSI cycle in a few weeks hopefully, but with that there is so many unknowns and i am finding it really hard not to focus on the what if's.... and stay positive. I feel quite ignorant in that i never really realised what a big deal going to ivf is, even when we are at the clinic for appointments i sort of cant believe this is actually happening,its a bit weird.

Anyway, sorry for the rant i just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Try not to be too hard on yourself at the moment , that is my approach. Its a really hard time, so allow yourself time to let it all sink in. I think its completely normal to be feeling really down and so i am not putting any pressure on myself to put on a brave face.

On the up side thats great news about your funding for icsi, keep us posted and let us know how you are going, hang in there

 

[DragonMummy]

If there is no sperm whatsoever it could just be a blockage? I don't know much about it but people have posted on here before about men having blockages - I think it is reversable. Worth some research I reckon. Best of luck xxx

 

[Blue12]

Hey Hun,

so sorry to hear this news - devastating I am sure isn't even the word. Like dragonmummy said - maybe there is a blockage. But also there is also often the possibility of surgical removal of sperm - and then use this sperm with icsi. In the LTTTC journals MissAma is currently pupo and her dh had surgery to remove the sperm. You may want to read her journey. I wish you the best luck in the world.

and

 

[Gracy 004]

I have just read throught the information booklet given to us by the clinic, it says that in cases where sperm has to be surgically retrieved, they are able to get enough sperm for ICSI 80% of the time! Hopefully it doesnt come to that for you but it is nice to know the success rate of the retrieval is very high. Also i just wanted to add that last week i scanned (work as a sonographer ) a women for her 20 week scan. She told me that the baby was from ICSI and her hubby also had no sperm and had to get surgically retrieved and they were successful on the first try and now she is happily 5 months preg. So there is definately lots of hope! good luck

 

[cheerios]

Hey Deb
So sorry. Do rant on BnB. Its like the safest and only place for most of us to rant anyway. I believe in going for more tests and finding out the cause of it. Medical technology is so advanced these days.... ONe day at a time dear. We're all gonna be supporting you from here....and its great to have a bunch of women who are fighting together!