Feeling down when thinking back to L&D

[Rhapsodi]

I was in labor for 36hrs. Nothing went as planned.

I tried to labor in water but couldn't get relief of back labor there. (I really wanted a water birth.)

I ended up getting pitocin.
I couldn't stand the contractions with pitocin and the pain meds they had tried failed both times and got an epidural (the one thing I really didn't want.)
There was meconium in my waters so they wouldn't let me hold him right away, which also meant no delay in cord clamping. (Both were second on my wishes).

Lastly, I never got a good picture (the ones I have are very dark and it was when I was trying to get him to nurse right afterwards so I don't even have a smile) with me and him together in the hospital. My DH has a few but nothing with all of us.

Yes, I have a healthy beautiful boy and truly am thankful. And in the hospital I knew I wouldn't get everything, however, I didn't think I'd not get anything on my list (besides no CS).
When I think back just remembering it I get sad. I know I can't go back but just something hits me.
Maybe I wanted more out of it. I was extremely tired because the night before active labor started I was up every 30mins with contractions and then couldn't sleep during the day so yeah I was exhausted and part of the reason I had the epidural (I was too tired and knew if I didn't have some pain relief I wouldn't be able to push. As it was I was throwing up while pushing, talk about miserable. And shaking uncontrollably.)
Maybe I wish I had that instant connection. I really struggled to connect during pregnancy. We didn't know gender so no name. And I have two older foster boys and connecting there is scary. I know I was scared to attach to Isaac initially because I feared him being still born or just in general due to things we deal with. Once I held him and started nursing I was instantly connected.

I guess maybe I want a do over with less fear of losing him (we struggled with infertility for 5years so it was very scary for me) and more excitement. Just wishing I didn't feel so sad thinking about it all.

 

[gingmg]

I'm sorry you are struggling with how your labor and birth went. Hugs! Birth is so unpredictable. You did what you had to do in the moment to get through, there is no shame in that. A midwife told me once to write down your birth plan...then rip it up and throw it in the fire because really anything can happen and there are so many variables that can't be planned. I hope time heals these feelings for you and you can start to let some of it go.

 

[Rhapsodi]

Yeah, at the time that was my mind set, anything can happen and the goal is healthy baby. And really I thought it up until I realized I have no good hospital picture a week or so ago. Not sure why that bothers me so much but it does.

I think my anxiety is getting the best of me. It would explain a lot. (It has been under control for almost 2 years without meds. So about time.)

Thanks for the words of wisdom.

 

[mummytobe_93]

Sorry you feel this way. I felt like this after I had my child for a long time and a lot f disappointment.

I think birth plans are a waste of time to be honest because at the end of the day, you don't know how tired you're going to be or how much pain you're in or how you're going to cope. Or if anything goes wrong eg meconium, needing forceps Eto

I know you didn't get what you want but you got your baby!
I think j birth rarely goes 100 per cent to plan and unfortunately that's just the way it is. It's very unpredictable which you know x

 

[kajastarlight]

Please don't take offence - but maybe consider you have a touch of the Baby Blues. I had different kinds of Post Partum Dipression with DS1 and DS2 so know that it can come in all ways. With DS1 I was terrified to bond with him and I had a crazy urge to hurt myself. I still gave him extra snuggles and I didn't do anything to hurt myself and after some counceling and time for my hormones to regulate it got better. (about 4 months) It was worse with DS2 because I had urges to hurt him - and though I never ever ever did - it scarred the crap out of me and I went on meds immediatly along with counceling. That feeling went away completely in about a week and I stayed on the meds for 4 months and then weined off of them. Post Partum Depression is nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to mess around with. If you even think maybe that is contributing to your feeling sad talk to your doctor.

As everyone here has said - birth plans are kina like daydreams and in the end the ONLY thing magical about labor is when you get to hold your LO! And you got that

 

[Rhapsodi]

Just getting it out has helped a lot. I don't think ppd is an issue, but is there post partum anxiety? That I could see. I've noticed my anxiety has greatly increased. I've always had anxiety but I've been off meds since 2013.
It could be situational as my foster boys case is changing and I know I have anxiety about that. And it's around when that changed that I noticed other anxieties increasing. I'm watching it right now. As much as the meds helped decrease anxiety it made things worse because I cared less about other things making it difficult to get things done. So right now I'm watching it and since I've noticed it I've been able to calm quicker and dwell less. (I'm a big dweller which increases anxiety.)

 

[kajastarlight]

Yep, PPD is all about hormone fluctuations and those fluctuations can cause/effect anxiety as well. (Like a new Mom doesn't have anything to be anxious about already!!) Glad you are keeping an eye on it Hope all goes well with your foster boys (and of course, your LO)

 

[mum140381]

i have had 6 labors and not 1 has been the same as the other one so dont worry hun x

 

[Stacey_Ann]

I know I'm in the uk so totally different but I recently had a "birth discussion" with one of the MW's from my midwifery team.

I was referred to them by my health visitor after telling her that although I knew I loved my baby, I wasn't enjoying her and she was a very unhappy newborn, I took her to an osteopath who confirmed this was due to her very rapid birth which I found really frightening when I had chance to process it afterwards.
The MW that came out to talk to me actually did my sutures on the night (baby had her hand up by her face when she came out, in her waters) and said she remembers that I seemed to be in shock afterwards, in her words I seemed out of it.

When we discussed my L&D, she explained that I had been grieving the loss of the labour I didn't have if that makes sense. I kept feeling I'd missed a step, I was pregnant, then the next thing I knew I was holding my baby. I literally got to hospital at 22:25 and my daughter arrived at 22:33.

I found it really helpful to talk it through with a medical professional, who understood where I was coming from and I could then put it to bed and move on. I wonder if there's something similar you could utilise/access that may help.

Xxx

 

[Rhapsodi]

Stacy. Yes I think that definitely was part of it, not necessarily skipping a step but not getting what I had been expecting.i was so exhausted that I was in a daze too. (36hrs of labor will do that, plus labor for days before off and on causing no sleep)

I know I had held back connecting to my LO while I was pregnant because I have so many fears off loss. It took 5.5 years for DH and I to conceive so I was in shock from that. Then add caring for 2 boys whom could be ripped away anytime, attaching without any fear has been terrifying for me. I know I still have my moments with all my boys where I hold back. But, for the most part I have attached to my LO ands I know it's getting better with my big boys.

Just saying it on here instead of holding it in has done wonders. I'm still watching though. I'm not ready for meds (they have helped before, but it almost worked too well sometimes) as I've been able to stop dwelling just by now seeing it's an issue. My progesterone is typically very low (it was so low I was on progesterone pills until 33 weeks, then my body finally figured things out (kind of). So I know I need to watch. Luckily I have a dr that has been great at helping me regulate my hormones.

 

[kajastarlight]

Talking about it helps so much, doesn't it?? I am glad you are doing better.