Feeling guilty about only wanting one child

[Starlight32]

I've only wanted one child even before getting pregnant with our daughter. It makes sense for us financially and I was never the type who wanted a lot of children. But now I feel guilty because she will grow up alone . I also feel now that I could never handle two. My daughter is a good sleeper (generally sleeps 8-10 hours through the night since 8 weeks although we have the occasional bad night) but I still feel anxiety about bedtime and sleep. I just can't imagine having another and coordinating feedingsm bath times, naps. I feel like something is wrong with me and that every other mommy wants a bunch of babies. And if we don't have another, my daughter will grow up alone. Just such guilt

 

[TTC First]

I think that having only one child is more common these days as children are very costly. I don't think that it's selfish for you to want to devote all your time, energy, and finances to one child.

With that being said, keep in mind that things can be a lot easier for you when there are two kids. The kids tend to play and learn from each other. If you already have the tub filled up to bath one kid, just add the other one in and it's not much extra effort. You have to make lunch for one kid, make a little extra and you have lunch for two kids.

You know your situation so you have to do what is best for you and your family.

 

[noon_child]

I feel similar. Every time someone announces they are pregnant with their second or third I wonder what is wrong with me that I don't think I could cope with it. It's like they are announcing they are better at being a mum than me, which breaks my heart a little.

Whenever I crave another it is because I crave seeing my DD love and bond with the baby, or I crave the kicks and stroking the huge bump, but I don't actually crave the new baby!!

The reality is that there is never a guarantee that siblings will get on, or not feel lonely or alone even if they are part of a large family. I know plenty of mums who feel guilty that they did something to ruin their older child's life by getting pregnant again as there will always be less time for them. All our choices either way are tinged with guilt.

 

[ButternutBabe]

I don't think you should feel guilty about this at all! I am someone who wants lots of kids, but just because that's what I want doesn't at all mean that's what everyone should want. Some people want one, some want two, some want many and some want none!

I have a few friends who are the only child in their families and sure their upbringing was a bit different to my own, but that doesnt make it any less special, loving or fulfilled.

I think you should follow your heart and make decisions based off what you and your partner truly want. Not what society is expecting from you. I'm sure your daughter is extremely well loved and content.

 

[staralfur]

First of all, everyone is different and there's no reason to feel guilty for that. Some women don't want any kids and feel like something is wrong with them because there's a societal pressure for women to want children and then once they have one there's more pressure to have another. And if the second kid is the same sex as the first then all of a sudden there are people chiming in saying "you're not going to try for a ____?!" And then once you have a third people start to say "you're done now, right?" And if you have a fourth people start questioning a woman's ability to care for that many kids. You can't win. Do what's best for you and your family and don't feel bad about it.

Secondly, your daughter is not alone, she has you and once she gets older she'll have friends. I'm an only child and while there were times I definitely wished that I had siblings I'm willing to bet that there were times when people with siblings wished that they didn't have any. I always thought that if I had children I would have at least two because I imagined it was really nice having someone to grow up with and someone else in the immediate family as an adult. And I bet that it is! But I eventually realized that was my only reason for wanting a second child. I didn't want a second child because I actually longed for another one and it hit me that having another kid for any other reason than truly wanting one wasn't the best idea for myself, my family, or my daughter.

So I now feel very content with having just one child. And as an only child myself I think that speaks to the fact that it really wasn't that bad! I've been able to see all the really good stuff about being an only child as well and I'm excited to give that to my daughter. I think that there are pros and cons either way and you can't just focus on the pros of one and the cons of the other or you'll never get a true idea of what things will be like in reality.

 

[minties]

I echo what everyone else has said. You're not a better or worse person for choosing either way. More kids is both easier and harder - yes they play together, and I can't imagine Thomas or Sophie not having the other. I feel guilty that I'm not very good at playing with either of them for hours like they can with each other. If be driven around the bend!

3 is definitely my limit, the third was so hard as a wee newborn, we all have a number that we are comfortable with and if yours is 1 then that's wonderful. Your LO will not be missing out and will have you.

We all have our anxieties too. I'm anxious about school drop offs and pickups with my son, even though I've been doing it without help since Emma was 3 days old, and I had a c-section! Every morning I get so anxious even though nothing has ever gone 'wrong'. I panic that Emma will be screaming and hungry and I won't find anywhere to park, and people will judge me for having a crying baby. I know it's silly but I still feel that way.

 

[Diannam]

I feel the same way, like I couldn't handle a second child. I feel guilty as well that growing up as an only child is what is best. I feel weak that I can only handle one when iit seems everyone else can do better. I have anxiety over bedtime and sleep too. Naps have always been really stressful. I don't want to deal with it all over again with a young child on top of things.

 

[WantsALittle1]

Please don't feel guilty--you gave your child life, and in doing so you have given her literally a world full of potential friends

You have given her beautiful memories that she hasn't even had yet, sunshine, music, and joy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling complete with just her. In fact, that feeling of completeness is something to celebrate every day. Don't worry about what others say--what's important is that know deep down that your family is perfect just the way it is

 

[Left wonderin]

Don't feel guilty if one is the right choice for you and your family there are all different types of families . I know a few only children and they are just fine in fact they are happy well adjusted adults your LO will have lots n lots of contact and relationships with other children as she grows

If on the other hand fear wouldn't you off another don't let it . You will muddle through ! I have its busy but it just kinda works itself out

 

[Twinmum87]

I am an only child, never been an issue for me. Never craved a sibling. We all have a different wish for our 'perfect life'. Wether it be 1 child, 10 children or no children. You do what is right for you and what makes you happy.

 

[Ganton]

I think there are pros and cons to all different situations, in the same way that there's no 'right' age gap if you do have more than one.

Some women don't want any kids and feel like something is wrong with them because there's a societal pressure for women to want children and then once they have one there's more pressure to have another. And if the second kid is the same sex as the first then all of a sudden there are people chiming in saying "you're not going to try for a ____?!" And then once you have a third people start to say "you're done now, right?" And if you have a fourth people start questioning a woman's ability to care for that many kids. You can't win.

Given the I have 2 boys followed by a girl, I just wanted to say that your observations are absolutely spot on. We chose to have 3 children and wanted close age gaps, so love that we now have our 3 little ones, but people ask me if we're done now in a way that suggests we've taken on too much (perhaps unintentionally) and couldn't possibly want or manage any more.

And to the OP, even though my family set up is exactly what I wanted, I still feel guilty that I've had to sacrifice some one on one attention with each child to achieve it.

 

[lilmisscaviar]

Don't feel guilty. Having one child is typical these days. In fact I'm always having people judging me more for having a big family than when I only had one. With my first, people were hounding me when I was going to have another to try for a boy. I did indeed get one of each on the first try and everyone assumed that I was "done". When #3 was on the way, they were then asking if she was an accident. Now that I have three children, people are telling me to get my tubes tied. My point is that people are going to judge you no matter what. I'd say if you're happy with one to just stick with that and don't let pressure change your mind. One is so much easier than having multiple children.

 

[KatO79]

I've only wanted one child even before getting pregnant with our daughter. It makes sense for us financially and I was never the type who wanted a lot of children. But now I feel guilty because she will grow up alone . I also feel now that I could never handle two. My daughter is a good sleeper (generally sleeps 8-10 hours through the night since 8 weeks although we have the occasional bad night) but I still feel anxiety about bedtime and sleep. I just can't imagine having another and coordinating feedingsm bath times, naps. I feel like something is wrong with me and that every other mommy wants a bunch of babies. And if we don't have another, my daughter will grow up alone. Just such guilt

You have no reason to feel guilty Your child won't be alone, she'll make lots of friends! I grew up an only child although do have older siblings (the one closest to my age is 10 years older and grew up with her father). Unfortunately I grew up in dysfunction as my mother is highly toxic and delights in setting her kids up against each other So I currently have no relationship with my siblings as they were trained to scapegoat me so they've never treated me with any amount of decency - it's constant put downs and blame. So I may be biased. But I do know that not all siblings get along well and sometimes friends can be better as they're people you have chosen for yourself.

My father (passed away when I was 20) was an only child as my grandfather was a great believer in only having 1 child (his motto apparently was "You can do more for one than you can do for 2!") so my grandmother that originally wanted 2-3 children ended up "compromising" and only having my father. I don't think my father felt like he missed out on anything not having siblings as he had many friends.

I'm personally a bit more open to having a 2nd although DH isn't too sure and we may not be able to anyway as we needed IVF to conceive our son. If we end up not having a 2nd for one or another reason, I refuse to feel guilty for having had him! I'm sure he'll make lots of friends he can play with.

So don't feel pressured to have a 2nd child if you don't have a deep need for another child!

 

[Itsychik]

I just wanted to chime in and say that I agree with everyone else!

I have three now. I always wanted 2 or 3, but I wanted to add in that I found the adjustment from 1 to 2 to be extremely hard. I was suffering from PND after DD's birth and I spent a lot of her first year feeling guilty to my DS because I didn't have enough time for him and I was constantly getting frustrated with him because he was older and I thought he should have been more understanding that I needed time with the baby (ridiculous, I know, as he was only 2 at the time!) but I was just overly stressed out and didn't cope well at all! So when people tell me they're 'one and done' my first thought is usually--I can totally get where you're coming from!!

The transition from 2 - 3 was (thankfully) much easier for me and now we're 100% and complete. And I love my DS2 so so soooo much (he's the easiest baby of the 3!) but I spent time before his birth and after feeling guilty towards my DD as she's now the 'middle child'...

So just make the decision that's best for you!

 

[KV_Tadpole]

You shouldn't feel bad! Everyone is different. Some people just LOVE LOVE kids and the whole process of bringing one up so have many. Some have 5, some have 1. As long as you are all happy

I am trying to work out whether I want one or more children. But I know if I have one, I will just have to take them on lots of play-dates to socialise with other kids. That's not so bad

 

[blueblue]

I'm in the same situation, we have one and don't think we want another. Everyone is starting to get pregnant again but I'm really not sure.

We had four miscarriages before my daughter, then I ended up with a crash section as her heart rate dropped to 80 and didn't recover, they had seven minutes to get her out so we're very lucky to have her. This makes me feel even more guilty about not wanting another. She's my world but I am finding it so hard and don't have much support so not sure how we'd cope with another. The lack of sleep has been tough and we had massive problems with breastfeeding at the start (luckily it all worked out in the end). I'm an only child and I still feel really guilty about not wanting #2, even though I know it isn't a problem.

There's so much pressure to do things a certain way, agree with everyone that you are either being told you don't have enough children or you have too many! My friend has two boys and is fed up with being told to have another to have the 'perfect family'. She already has the perfect family for her.

 

[KatO79]

My friend has two boys and is fed up with being told to have another to have the 'perfect family'. She already has the perfect family for her.

Wow that's also annoying, I feel for your friend! I personally hate it when people use terms like "perfect family" because really, who decides what that is??!! Especially if it's about having at least 1 of each gender because not everyone achieves that and not everyone is super interested in achieving it.

 

[Zephram]

Don't feel bad! I know lots of couples who only have one kid, it's very common these days. It's more common to have one around where I live that it is to have 3+. We are planning on having a third and we've had more than one person give us the side eye, like, "You crazy!!". As far as number of kids go, there will always be people who disagree with your choice, whether you have none, one or 7. Do what's right for you.