Feeling guilty...gender scan woes.

[brandi91]

Hey! I need advice. I feel terribly guilty.

Long story short, our gender scan is Friday. I planned on my mom and some of the in laws coming to the scan (it’s at an elective place that allows for guests). I am really close with my in laws and I want them there, along with my mom. I want it to be intimate, and we will have five people there along with myself and my spouse (7 total).

Anyway, my grandmother just moved here and is living win my parents. I told my mom that I still just wanted the initial people there but that we could all do dinner afterward. Fast forward to a few days later, and my mom is planning on bringing my grandmother but leaving her in the car during the appointment. I tried to tell my mom that doing that is openly excluding her while the other family members go in. Anyway, it was decided that we will just pick her up after.

In the meantime, now I feel really guilty for not just letting her come. But, if I’m being honest, I’m not that close with her. I’d love her to come celebrate at dinner afterward, but I have a right to want to keep my appointment small, right? I mean, that’s a really special moment that I want to share with the people that have prayed and kept up with it! Those that are coming were heavily (emotionally and financially) involved in our fertility treatments and stuff and I just don’t want anyone else there. My grandmother really wasn’t involved at all and didn’t check in on us or anything throughout. But I do feel mean. I love my grandmother, but her being there just makes me feel kind of awkward. But now I feel so guilty for not just obliging. I wish my mom would have just respected my wishes and made plans to come alone. I reassured my mom that I would love to have her at dinner, but I want to keep the appointment small with the original people.

 

[NovaStar]

I hear you. I’m really close with my parents and in-laws but not to my grandma. It would be supremely weird to have my grandma in the room for an ultrasound...feeling bad is totally normal but I think she would feel equally weird about being there for such an intimate moment. I’m sure she understands and doesn’t feel snubbed. You can always say there’s a limit to the amount of people who can come and just blame the doctors, lol.

 

[MissMarpleFan]

I don’t think there’s anything intimate or small about having 7 people plus u/s tech in that tiny room! I would just bring your husband and show everybody your photos at dinner afterwards, so you can really focus on seeing the baby and listening to what the tech tells you about him or her. All those relatives will be very distracting...

 

[Bevziibubble]

Don't feel guilty. I would just bring your husband and make it a special celebration when telling everyone later

 

[Hickory]

This is YOUR baby and YOUR special time, so don't feel guilty for doing anything the way YOU want! Nobody but you and your husband has a right to be involved, and it's your choice to extend selective invitations. I think you need to be very clear with your mom about your wishes and that even leaving grandma in the car is unacceptable. If you need to push back dinner, find someone else to hang out with grandma, whatever needs to happen, your mom should be happy to help accommodate your wishes. When it's all done, you will be glad it went how you wanted it to.

I'm much closer to my husband's mom than my own mom, which has me a bit nervous when it comes time to give birth. I've already talked to my MIL about being in the room for the birth (yes, we're that close, I want her on my birth team!) .... but I don't even want my mom to come visit until several weeks after I've given birth. It's a special time and I don't want to share it with her. I'm not looking forward to having to be clear about that, but it's my decision and I'll deal with the backlash.

 

[brandi91]

Thanks, everyone! I feel better after reading your posts.

I agree that 5 extra people isn’t small, but it feels intimate to me. Those are the 5 people I would have called immediately after and they are all close as well, so it doesn’t feel uncomfortable or like too much to have them there. I wanted them there, and so did my husband. But they were people, again, who have been super involved over the years. We aren’t doing a gender reveal party or anything fancy. Just the scan with the close relatives, then dinner afterward.

I do feel better that you all don’t think I’m being mean not having her come to the appointment. I still feel bad but I think it’s reasonable to not have her come.

 

[brandi91]

The place seats 12 people. They have a big couch for guests lol, so i don’t think it will feel crowded. Also, unfortunately, I feel like I can’t use a guest limit as an excuse since there will be excess seating.

 

[laura109]

Just do things your way. Its your baby and its so important you do it the way that matters most to you. Leaving her in the car would be abit odd if everyone else goes in so I agree picking her up after is best xx

 

[brandi91]

Thanks again, everyone! I did talk to my mom and she said she thought it was rude of me not to invite her but to invite in laws and stuff. I had to politely explain that I am much closer with my in laws and haven’t spent time with my grandmother in years and it would just be uncomfortable to me.

I did invite her to my 18 week scan. I assured my mom that it would probably be more fun for her anyway, and then she doesn’t have to try to be social with people she doesn’t know and stuff and that we can just do that with the three of us.

 

[Bevziibubble]

Hopefully in time she will understand

 

[Carrots]

Your mom is truly blessed to have such a patient daughter in you. If my mom put me in the situation of having to argue for what I want for this special moment, I would be irritated. But then if she called me rude for feeling how you feel and voicing what is best for you on your day... I would be angry to the point I might not want her there either. I wonder if she said your grandma would wait in the car to pressure you into letting her come in. You're a saint for staying so cool headed through this.

 

[WhisperGirl]

I've never had anyone but my kids and husband for any scans and birth was just me and husband.

 

[amanda111308]

Did you find out the gender?!?! I'm excited to hear how it went!!

 

[brandi91]

Thanks for checking in! Everything went fine. We had my mom and the few in laws. It was perfect and I loved having them there! We are having a perfect baby boy!