Feeling Haunted

[Lost7]

Each night I dream about Jake, who I lost in March. His due date was October 13th.

Each dream is different and ranges from he's back for a short time only, to he's mad and angry with me and blames me for his death.

I recently made him a teddy and I am in the process of making a rememberence box for him.
I've also bought a light up decoration for our Christmas Tree with his name on.

I just keep thinking about how he should be 5/6 weeks old and what I should be buying for his First Christmas.

I lost him very early into the pregnancy with nothing to show for it apart from a couple of clearly positive tests. I had an ultrasound but because he was so young he wasn't seen, we have no idea even where he was.

I don't think LTTTC helps, it's been 16 months now and still nothing. Is it really so bad we want a baby for Christmas? We don't want or need anything else, just a baby of our own.

We went shopping the other evening and I saw cots, Moses baskets, bedding, toys, blankets, prams - everything baby related and all I saw when I looked into them was Jake and what he'd look like now in them.

I just can't be done with grieving and I don't know what's stopping me. I've had 9 miscarriages now but I felt an emotional bond with Jake for some reason. I honestly thought our rainbow had come. Usually I get a positive then only 2-6 days later bleed. He was different. It took weeks to actually lose him. I genuinely believed he was going to stay.

I really don't know how to move on when he's no longer in our lives. It's heartbreaking and upsetting.

 

[lizlemon]

Sending you a massive hug. Perhaps see your Gp and ask for some counciling to help you talk through your losses.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a baby for Xmas and I hope you get your rainbow baby. X

 

[momwithbabies]

Lost: My heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry. You've been through so much! It's hard when you're hurting so much and others around you don't get it. We are mothers from the time we get a positive pregnancy test and after. And the pain of losing something that might have been is a horrible type of grief. I lost mine at 10 weeks this past April. My due date was November 6th. Nobody understands that mothers will never forget what should have been. We had dreams for this baby, as well. I had even bought his/her baby blanket. That blanket sits in my attic because I can't bear to touch it or look at it. I've never had actual dreams of my baby, but I can't imagine how painful that must be.

I hope you are allowing yourself time to grieve. Please take care.

 

[Lost7]

Thanks for the replies!

I've had a few more nasty dreams and I went to see the doctor on Thursday. She's diagnosed me as severely depressed and put me straight away onto some anti-depressants and also given me a telephone number to call a grief counsellor.

As I explained what's been going on, how I feel etc - I cried. A lot. I also saw her well up (I think she's lost a baby too, she seemed overly sympathetic which you don't usually get from a doctor) which I think made me cry even more!

She wants to see me 31st January for a check up to see how the tablets are working. So far I have only taken them one night, they made me really groggy the next morning though that may have been my CFS's doing and not a good match with the tablets. We'll just have to see. She did ask if we were continuing TTC, I said probably - so she's prescribed something that's not going to be too harmful should we conceive.

Long story short, today is our Christmas day. I have Jakes' miniature bauble on the Christmas tree.

 

[lizlemon]

Glad you have got some help. I think more people than we realise are touched by miscarriage - good that you've got a dr who cares and understands too.
Today was 4 years since we lost our little girl and we have a bauble on our tree too.
Best wishes
X

 

[Lost7]

Thanks hun. Really sorry to hear of your angel

Today for me, marks 7 years since diagnosis of my little girl. She was diagnosed with a CHD (Congenital Heart Defect) and had to under-go Life-Saving Major Open Heart Surgery.

I've also been diagnosed today with APS.
In a sick way, my nightmares are TRUE. It was my body and it was me that killed him. I thought closure as to why I keep miscarrying would give me closure, Obviously not.

 

[lizlemon]

Sounds like you've been through the ringer! I have been diagnosed with anti phospholipid syndrome, lupus overlap and sjogrens syndrome - I don't think the diagnosis gives closure bit understanding. My syndrome caused my smallest daughter to have a heart block, it's hard knowing my body has damaged her and I felt a lot of guilt, until I realised I didn't do it deliberately and can't punish myself for something out of my control - be kind to your self... Big hug xzz