sharan
Mummy to 1
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- May 27, 2009
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I lost my little boy yesterday morning at 22 weeks after going into pre-term labour.
I was admitted to hospital on Sunday night when I noticed blood whenever I wiped. At hospital I was told that the neck of the womb had started thinning and water sac had started bulging outwards by a cm. For that reason I was told by the OB that they will have to wait and see if the bleeding settles for at least 24 hrs before they will consider stitching the womb shut. However I was told that I'm very high risk of a miscarriage.
By Monday morning the bleeding had completely stopped and I had absolutely no pains or cramps. The OB came round to check me and baby and there he was on the scanner kicking and wiggling away. He was totally oblivious to everything. The OB said its a good sign things were settling and that if things remain as they do by Tuesday morning then they can consider progesterone and stitching.
The day went by and I became more and more optimistic. I even started to feel Beanie kick and move for the first time due to my anterior placenta. So I thought surely that's all a good sign. The OB came checked on Beanie and I and once again all was well. In fact I even said I feel perfectly normal again as though nothing has happened. The OB said he will check on me in the morning at 8.30 and then take it from there.
That night I slept peacefully knowing that things were starting to look up. I got woken up at 6.30 to some terrible pains in my stomach. I dismissed it as I thought it was due to the fact I was lying on my right side. Then again 15 mins later I got another sharp cramping pain. I again didn't think much of it but buzzed the alarm to inform the midwife. She checked my stomach and said that she couldn't feel anything when I said I'm getting the cramps so it could be just stretching pain. So I got out of bed and visited the loo and saw no blood and thought great this is good. Then as I brushed my teeth I felt the sharp tightening pain again but this time it was in my lower back too and there was no mistaking it; those were my contractions. I panicked and started shouting 'no no' as I just wanted my body to stop. I pressed the alarm again and at the same time called my husband who I sent home last night as he had not had any proper sleep.
The midwives came in and saw me slouched over the chair and said they need to go get the one who is caring for me. A little while later another returned all cheery and said 'ahh so you're going to have you're baby now. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl'. At this point I knew that she clearly didn't know why I was there do whilst pushing back the tears I screamed it's a boy and I'm only 22 weeks. At this she turned to the others there and said get her notes now.
I was moved on to the bed and given gas and air and then the urge to push came. I was told push on my contractions which I did. First the membranes came out then the Beanie whilst still in the sac then my placenta.
Beanie was born sleeping at 7.54am. He was perfectly formed and the most beautiful baby. I cried and kept apologising to him whilst I held him as I blame myself and body for him going. If it wasn't for my body failing him then he would still be inside me.
It's now over 24 hrs since I lost him and I feel so lost. Like a part of me has been ripped out. I even think I can still feel him kicking but I know it's not possible. I don't know what to do. My husband is trying to be strong and is going on like nothing has happened which I know is a copying mechanism for him but I can't just do that. I don't want to see anyone including my other son who is with my parents I just want this grief to go away.
I was admitted to hospital on Sunday night when I noticed blood whenever I wiped. At hospital I was told that the neck of the womb had started thinning and water sac had started bulging outwards by a cm. For that reason I was told by the OB that they will have to wait and see if the bleeding settles for at least 24 hrs before they will consider stitching the womb shut. However I was told that I'm very high risk of a miscarriage.
By Monday morning the bleeding had completely stopped and I had absolutely no pains or cramps. The OB came round to check me and baby and there he was on the scanner kicking and wiggling away. He was totally oblivious to everything. The OB said its a good sign things were settling and that if things remain as they do by Tuesday morning then they can consider progesterone and stitching.
The day went by and I became more and more optimistic. I even started to feel Beanie kick and move for the first time due to my anterior placenta. So I thought surely that's all a good sign. The OB came checked on Beanie and I and once again all was well. In fact I even said I feel perfectly normal again as though nothing has happened. The OB said he will check on me in the morning at 8.30 and then take it from there.
That night I slept peacefully knowing that things were starting to look up. I got woken up at 6.30 to some terrible pains in my stomach. I dismissed it as I thought it was due to the fact I was lying on my right side. Then again 15 mins later I got another sharp cramping pain. I again didn't think much of it but buzzed the alarm to inform the midwife. She checked my stomach and said that she couldn't feel anything when I said I'm getting the cramps so it could be just stretching pain. So I got out of bed and visited the loo and saw no blood and thought great this is good. Then as I brushed my teeth I felt the sharp tightening pain again but this time it was in my lower back too and there was no mistaking it; those were my contractions. I panicked and started shouting 'no no' as I just wanted my body to stop. I pressed the alarm again and at the same time called my husband who I sent home last night as he had not had any proper sleep.
The midwives came in and saw me slouched over the chair and said they need to go get the one who is caring for me. A little while later another returned all cheery and said 'ahh so you're going to have you're baby now. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl'. At this point I knew that she clearly didn't know why I was there do whilst pushing back the tears I screamed it's a boy and I'm only 22 weeks. At this she turned to the others there and said get her notes now.
I was moved on to the bed and given gas and air and then the urge to push came. I was told push on my contractions which I did. First the membranes came out then the Beanie whilst still in the sac then my placenta.
Beanie was born sleeping at 7.54am. He was perfectly formed and the most beautiful baby. I cried and kept apologising to him whilst I held him as I blame myself and body for him going. If it wasn't for my body failing him then he would still be inside me.
It's now over 24 hrs since I lost him and I feel so lost. Like a part of me has been ripped out. I even think I can still feel him kicking but I know it's not possible. I don't know what to do. My husband is trying to be strong and is going on like nothing has happened which I know is a copying mechanism for him but I can't just do that. I don't want to see anyone including my other son who is with my parents I just want this grief to go away.
I understand your massive yearning to be pregnant again. Nothing can ever replace the little babies who are no longer with us but, if you're like me, you had all these dreams and hopes for this baby and they have all be snatched away and you need those dreams back is that how you are feeling? i was also waiting until after my 20 week scan to buy things because i always had this uneasy feeling that something was going to go wrong ... natural worrying or intuition i guess ill never know. All i do know is that one minute we were looking forward to seeing our baby at the scan and the next minute we were planning his funeral. I think the yearning for another baby is natural because after we lose a baby we are left devestated and feeling empty. You will go through every emotion possible in the comings weeks - be gentle with yourself and dont let anybody tell you how you should grieve. you will get though this at your own pace. feel free to pm me at any time. 
From what I can see from your avatar picture, he looks a lot like his older brother.
