Feeling Lost

[HearMyPrayers]

Hi All,

I love these boards I always feel like I'm not alone, but in my real life I feel I'm really on a journey by myself.

Long story short....my DH and I have been trying for over a year we tried Clomid from April 2012- June 2012 then I stopped because I hadn't completed the HSG test yet and I felt like I was spinning my wheels for nothing if my tubes were blocked or what have you, I had an saline sono which came back normal, DH's SA came back good, dont know his exact numbers, I had the HSG and it was painful but completed nonetheless. The test showed bilateral blockage. My FS wants to do a lap and dye which is scheduled for Oct 19 2012. Lately since July really I feel my DH and I have completely lost all connection when it comes to TTC. When we found out my tubes were blocked he just shut down on me. At first he was so supportive and caring and always made me feel like we'd get through it and I was always so postive we would eventually have our baby! When we found out the surgery date I mentioned I was scared and he got really insensitive and said I should be scared that we dont have any children hurt my heart! he said I'm a chicken and I get scared way too much, I told him he hurt my feelings but didnt seem too worried about it. So tonight I talked to him and told him we are really disconnected when it comes to conceiving and I really feel like I've lost my best cheerleader, he said it hurts him so he doesn't want to talk about it and if we get pregnant then so be it. And just completely shut down on me after that and has barely said 2 words to me! I told him that if its too much he doesn't need to be at the hospital when I have the surgery and I really didnt say it to be a brat or anything I just really dont want him to come if its all too much for him! Im just feeling even more so alone now and scared, pressured, and worried I have like 20 emotions running through me its all so overwhelming.

Anyways I just dont know how to deal with all this at the same time and I'm just hoping for some great advice from you lovely ladies!

 

[No Doubt]

I'm sorry hun. I know a lot of us ladies have been through this, including me.

I used to feel like hubbs didn't care cause he wouldn't really talk to me about it, but he did finally open up one day and I realized that he actually does care. I also realized that he deals with it differently than me. Unintentionally, I expected for him to react the same way I did whenever I got a bfn or af. I expected him to ramble on like I did if it hurt too much. But I'm actually greatful he was the opposite. He too fell into the "if it happens so be it". It's not that he doesn't want children, cause he does, always has. It's just that he's not going to stress himself over something that when you really think about it, is out of our control.

I realized that he has to grieve in his own way, and that I have to respect that, just like he respects my grieving process, even though it could get a little crazy, lol. So I would say the same to you. Your hubby cares, he just deals with it differently. And I'm sure he'll want to be there for your surgery. His wording may have been wrong, and he very well could have been taking out some of his pain on you, which obviously is wrong, but allow him this little bit. When things are bit better maybe talk to him about it then. Try coming from an angle of "I know you were hurting when you said..." He may take it better.

I will also say that this battle can break even the strongest marriages if you let it...been there too, thank God things changed. But it can also build a strong marriage, which is where we are now. So try not let this weasel between your love for one another...either of you...that same love is what is drawing your heart towards a baby in the first place. Things will get better...just the wrong words at the wrong time about the wrong the situation...it happens. But you know him and his heart and his desire for a baby.

GL hun!

 

[HearMyPrayers]

your absolutely right..and I think I just got a little selfish in thinking he doesn't understand where I'm coming from, but at the same time I dont know what he is feeling either. We've both never been through anything like this before so its very overwhelming and I feel its only just begun! I'm thankful for your story because my fear is TTC will get in the way of our marriage and on top of life itself its already enough stress we all have on us. Its just tough and sometimes can really beat you down.

 

[No Doubt]

It happens hun, that's what we're all here for. It can only get in the way of your marriage if you let it. I said I was glad my hubbs was different than me cause I learned a bit from him about letting go and trusting Gods will. If it is meant for us, then it will happen, but in the mean time, I'm relaxing and enjoying us...something very new for me in this time, but very enjoyable and stress free. Inbox me if you need me!

 

[2have4kids]

I'm so sorry you're not getting the support you need from your hubbie, can you also talk to a close girlfriend/mom/counsellor? You need a second ally. Many men kind of shut down under pressure and if he's telling you that you're too scared all the time, maybe try communicating with your girls and letting him just catch you if you fall. He'll hold you if you cry right? Take you to the hospital and take you home? If he can't take you to the hospital I'd be doing some serious thinking. Maybe some alone time to think about things will help him reevaluate what for better or worse really meant. You need the support right now and it shouldn't be too much to have him take care of you while you endure a surgery to better your chances of having kids. I hope things get better for you really soon, I totally get how this would blow a hole in your heart

 

[Jamie Lynn]

Hi there,

I am new here (found this place for the very reason you posted, because I feel alone, like he doesn't care either)...just wanted to say that I am going to pray for you, your surgery and your marriage. God Bless.

 

[tlm]

Hi! I know how you feel! This process isn't easy! My dh is very much like yours! He doesn't obsess with me and when I get down he usually just ignores me. I have a friend who did ivf and I have talked to her about this at great length. This is what she said, your dh "thinks" he knows what's wrong and he can't fix it so instead of listening to you and feeling bad he just doesn't do anything. It's not right, but you are not alone!! Like No Doubt says, all of this does bother them they just show it differently than we do! I am not sure how you get your dh to open up, for me it's best when we are having an evening at home over dinner and wine. Good luck to you! I feel for you! This process can be hard but it can also being you closer to your hubby!

 

[karenh]

Exactly. Men have the need to fix things. When there isn't anything for them to do they are totally lost. This is hard on them. They don't like to see their wife suffer and sad, but they don't know what to do to fix it. As much as we hate having to ask for things we feel they should do on their own attomaticly, we need to. Tell him what you need. If it is holding you when you cry. Letting you just get stuff out without him interjecting and, some breathing room, whatever it is. Just be specific and let him know. Then he will know what to do. I am sorry you are going through this. It almost broke up DH and I as well. We seperated for a little while. Things are better now, and we talk more. We try not to assume anything. It is hard and takes a lot of work, but it is worth it.

 

[No Doubt]

Definitely agree with Karen. My hubbs just shakes his hands and is like what do you want me to do when he can't take it anymore. And I am very guilty of expecting him to read my mind, lol. But it does take work and honestly to me its a lot less stressful on me to just ask than sitting around waiting on him to do something that will never get done cause he doesn't even know he's suppose to. But if I tell him to hold me he does and if I tell him I just need to cry he walks away. Its better for both of us.

 

[HearMyPrayers]

It happens hun, that's what we're all here for. It can only get in the way of your marriage if you let it. I said I was glad my hubbs was different than me cause I learned a bit from him about letting go and trusting Gods will. If it is meant for us, then it will happen, but in the mean time, I'm relaxing and enjoying us...something very new for me in this time, but very enjoyable and stress free. Inbox me if you need me!

You absolutely right and I refuse to let this come between my DH and I because to be honest we've been through a lot, I dont have family all that much as they dont like my DH at all from the moment we got married its been a battle with my family....its hard and all the factors against us is enough to break us but we have to stay strong for each other.

 

[HearMyPrayers]

I'm so sorry you're not getting the support you need from your hubbie, can you also talk to a close girlfriend/mom/counsellor? You need a second ally. Many men kind of shut down under pressure and if he's telling you that you're too scared all the time, maybe try communicating with your girls and letting him just catch you if you fall. He'll hold you if you cry right? Take you to the hospital and take you home? If he can't take you to the hospital I'd be doing some serious thinking. Maybe some alone time to think about things will help him reevaluate what for better or worse really meant. You need the support right now and it shouldn't be too much to have him take care of you while you endure a surgery to better your chances of having kids. I hope things get better for you really soon, I totally get how this would blow a hole in your heart

I do actually have a few girlfriends I confided in and they allow me to vent but I think sometimes I'm looking for the fairytale movie scene where my DH just scoops me up and consoles me and then cooks dinner but I have to remember we both process and handle our emotions differently. I think the entire surgery idea has really thrown him, I think its just gotten to a level now where he isnt comfortable he is scared for me he just wants me to be ok and I have to see where he is coming from. He wants to be at the hospital and he will be there I think my emotions just went to far when telling him he didnt have to come. We just need to talk to each other more!

 

[HearMyPrayers]

Hi there,

I am new here (found this place for the very reason you posted, because I feel alone, like he doesn't care either)...just wanted to say that I am going to pray for you, your surgery and your marriage. God Bless.

Its comforting to feel not so alone, how long have you been TTC? Are you TTC your first? how long have you been married? I will keep you in my prayers as well.

 

[HearMyPrayers]

Exactly. Men have the need to fix things. When there isn't anything for them to do they are totally lost. This is hard on them. They don't like to see their wife suffer and sad, but they don't know what to do to fix it. As much as we hate having to ask for things we feel they should do on their own attomaticly, we need to. Tell him what you need. If it is holding you when you cry. Letting you just get stuff out without him interjecting and, some breathing room, whatever it is. Just be specific and let him know. Then he will know what to do. I am sorry you are going through this. It almost broke up DH and I as well. We seperated for a little while. Things are better now, and we talk more. We try not to assume anything. It is hard and takes a lot of work, but it is worth it.

I couldn't agree more! Its the hardest thing I've ever been through a new marriage, TTC and struggles with infertility on top of just life itself it can really get you down but you have to stay strong and resilient!

 

[HearMyPrayers]

Well we had a break through. Last night my husband sat me down and said he had something to tell me but was scared after a few heart pounding minutes he told me that he wants a baby and he feels thats what is missing in his life he said it kills him that I have to go through so much because I'm a good person with a big heart and a lot of love to give and it kills him that I have to go through this. He is really scared about the surgery thats the main thing for his distance lately, he is just really upset that its gotten this far and that I have to go through so much just for us to have a family. It feels better knowing what has been really bugging him, but it broke my heart to see him actually cry over his want for a baby and my struggle to have one.

 

[karenh]

Well we had a break through. Last night my husband sat me down and said he had something to tell me but was scared after a few heart pounding minutes he told me that he wants a baby and he feels thats what is missing in his life he said it kills him that I have to go through so much because I'm a good person with a big heart and a lot of love to give and it kills him that I have to go through this. He is really scared about the surgery thats the main thing for his distance lately, he is just really upset that its gotten this far and that I have to go through so much just for us to have a family. It feels better knowing what has been really bugging him, but it broke my heart to see him actually cry over his want for a baby and my struggle to have one.

I am glad you were able to talk. I know it doesn't make everything better, but it is the start. Good luck.

 

[2have4kids]

Ohh I'm so glad to hear that. He really sounds like a sweetheart. Having gone through this together will bring you two closer together. As long as he understands that when he shuts you out like that when you're needing him it's not fair to you. You rely on him as your partner and as much as you have to go through all these things in order for you guys to have a family, as big as your heart is...you need him emotionally present during hard times.