Feeling overwhelmed

[AzureOrchid]

Apologies in advance as I’m typing this on my phone with my LO asleep on me. Hopefully typos aren’t too bad!
I’m currently feeling super overwhelmed and a bunch of other awful things and just need to get this off my chest and see if anyone here has advice.
I have a 4 month old, first baby, and I feel like the sole caregiver. I breastfeed and while I got a pump that DH was supportive of so he could feed...it basically has gone to waste. I started freezing the milk as I got sick of tossing it out of the fridge because it never gets used. I swear we have conversations at least once a week where I plead for more help but absolutely nothing changes. I spend 24/7 with our son, who has become attached to me at the hip. It’s exhausting having to constantly either entertain him, feed/change him or act as a nap mattress (naps are a nightmare right now). Luckily he sleeps decent in his bassinet for 5ish hours at night to give me a tiny break but that’s it.
If I hand him off to DH to shower or go #2, it’s guaranteed he’ll wail the entire time. I don’t know if he doesn’t try or if he’s just getting that attached already to me. (He did do this to my parents the other day too.) so I just rush to get back to him so he calms down.
I can hardly get chores done because he isn’t a huge fan of being worn. DH has been stepping up to make dinner more, probably because DS cries the whole time I cook. But then the kitchen is a disaster after. I also run an online business that’s in dire need of at least a little bit of my time here or there but it’s like I have to choose between 30 mins to shower, shit, or clean some mess that DH made. Working on business, or doing something like running or yoga never seen to make the priority cut.
It also somehow only works out to about that long since he can never spare time from work while he works from home at the same company as me that I know has a flexible policy on hours to care for family and oneself. Or he times it to show up to help when DS is crashed out on me.
I know if we can master napping it’ll help me out a lot but it gets so frustrating and I’m so damn tired I just want him to sleep so I can get some sort of a break, even if I get nothing done.
I’m trying to get my parents out once every week or two to help but they’re an hour away so I don’t want to be a hassle tho I know they like spending time with him when he’s not being a super cranky ass like he was last week.
His mom seems to think that she’d come over to co watch DS with me to give DH a break (HA!) and screw that. Last time she was here she kept going on about helping while in the same breath handing him off to us because “he didn’t like her”...ugh.
I keep hearing that it’ll only get worse how demanding DS is of my time and focus and I don’t know how it could get much worse at this point. Is there any light at the end of the tunnel where he can entertain himself a bit with supervision while I get things done? Is napping ever going to happen?! Am I being ridiculous getting so resentful with DH that he never looks after DS, drinks beer every day (I can’t wait to be done bfing), watches YouTube and tv while he “works”, stays up late (never does bedtime stuff with DS and comes to bed at like 4/5 am which I guess is ok cause it’s a break from his awful snoring), is the sleeping dead and never wakes up when the baby does, sleeps in every day. Sure he helps with food but it’s just not fair and I know how childish that sounds. Nevermind that our intimacy is totally gone since I never exit mom mode.
Hiring a nanny isn’t a financial option. Covid doesn’t help anything. The freezing cold doesn’t help anything. I feel like I’m losing my mind doing this and not being able to do anything else or care for myself. How the hell do single moms do this?! How does anyone do this?! How the hell am I going to be able to work after mat leave if this keeps up?
I keep hoping once he can sit up on his own that it’ll be better but what do I know!

 

[Deethehippy]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time
I've always put my babies down and not held them the whole time but then again with the twins I kind of had no choice! Does baby get mat time? Or time in a baby chair/bouncer?. If not I would start with that. Maybe place him on a soft mat on the floor and lay next to him with a dangly toy and see if he takes an interest, talking to him soothingly all the time. Then pick him back up again after he looses interest and try to increase until he is happy to lay and play for a bit. Or do the same with a bouncy chair. I used to take my girls in their chairs around the house with me..even into the shower..it was hard but at least I wasn't holding them the whole time.
Another thing I did was have a portable bassinet/basket downstairs so that whenever mine went to sleep I could place them in a bed downstairs where I could keep an eye on them. Or course it's lovely to cuddle them for their sleeps too but I couldn't do that all the time with twins and so they got used to naps downstairs in their beds.
I wish you good luck and hope that he becomes a little less reliant on you soon, it could just be that he loves his mumma so much and is on a growth spurt.
Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job doing all this on your own and managing breastfeeding as well and it WILL get easier!

 

[AzureOrchid]

Thank you so much! He does get lots of mat time and is usually pretty good for about 20 mins with it but needs to have interaction most of the time. It’s at least fun for both of us in most cases. He seems a bit fussy for the chair but he goes in it while I take pee breaks but that’s about as long as I can get before he gets super fussy and wants out. Really hoping when he can sit he’ll enjoy activity centres or a jolly jumper!
He could definitely be going through a growth spurt. I can’t suddenly keep up feeding him and wonder if my supply is starting to dwindle. AF arrived a little while ago and now both breasts don’t seem to be enough where one was more than plenty before. Tough not to feel inadequate at times!
Just handed DS off to DH and having a much needed nap with noise canceling headphones. Hopefully he can deal! Thanks again

 

[Flueky88]

It's really hard having a young child, even more so if you don't have good support. Honestly, my favorite part of the week is grocery shopping. It's time where I'm by myself and not having to worry about other's needs. Don't get me wrong, I love my children but sometimes we all need a break. A bouncer seat works great for me, a lot of mom's race about the fisher price sit me up. In any case, I sit her in that beside me in the kitchen while I cook, clean up, etc. Or I'll put her in it and bring her with me while I fold laundry, etc. She's happy to be with me but I'm able to get things done.

I will say it does get better once they become interested in playing/exploring but aren't fully mobile. Seems like they become less reliant on me. Also, when baby is awake, what about a swing? I wouldn't pay big bucks for one as some babies love them and others hate.

It sounds like you may have ppd, it's very common and there is nothing to be ashamed of. I believe I've had it after all of my babies but only diagnosed with it after my 2nd (it got pretty bad so I asked for medication). Could you talk to your midwife or Dr about it? Also, let your DH know that not ever having a break or him not helping out other than cooking is causing you to struggle mentally. I think Covid makes this time in our life even more difficult than it already is. No mommy groups, childcare issues, etc.

hang in there and don't be afraid to ask for help.

 

[AzureOrchid]

Thank you so much! I’ve looked into that chair before and maybe I should give it a try. Willing to try anything right now lol!
I do have a swing but he absolutely hates it. He’ll be fine for a few minutes then just goes to crying bloody murder in it. So frustrating!
I have been wondering about ppd lately. We see our dr tomorrow for 4mo shots so maybe I’ll mention it there and get another appointment.
I hear you on the grocery shopping and I think that may be part of the issue too. I would go every so often to get away for a bit but the last month and a half it’s only DH that goes and he gets upset if I suggest I go because he seems to want the break instead. Whenever I mention maybe going out he “jokingly” says I should take DS with me. Plus our car is a heaping pile of crap that hasn’t been starting or needs tires pumped constantly so I’m less inclined to go right now. Maybe it’s time to push for our new car so that’s not a problem and I feel safer to head out!