Feeling pressured by oh and his family over my sons name, am I being petty?

[Louise88]

It's been agreed pretty much since the 12 week scan that if our baby was a boy he was getting called James, it was the only name we agreed on and everyone liked the name, when I got told my baby was a boy at my 20 week scan I have bonded with my son who has become James to me. Me and oh went out for his aunties 50th a couple weeks ago and oh's grandad suggested we call our baby Matthew James instead but call him by his middle name James (Matthew is my oh's name btw) since then my oh has been adamant that our son should be registered as Matthew James and we call him by his middle name, I don't want to do that at all, if were going to call him James anyways why can't we register him as James? I do like the name Matthew but I'm not keen on calling my son the same name as my oh. If my son got registered as Matthew then I'd personally have a hard time calling him James as to me that wouldn't be his name if that makes sense. I know years and years ago it was common to name your first son after their dad but reference to them as their middle name (my dad is one of those) but it's not the known thing now and I just think it would cause confusion at school and stuff if my son is telling friends he's called James yet on the morning register he's getting called Matthew.

I've voiced how much I don't want to call my son Matthew James and it seems its 1 against everyone else because oh and his whole family are telling me my son will be registered Matthew James.

Why don't I get a say in my sons name? I'm really upset as I've bonded with my baby James and I feel my baby James is being robbed from me

Am I being petty? Or would you feel weird calling your son by his middle name as well?

 

[MBGibbs]

No, I totally agree with you. Also, although I feel it is important to agree with OH on a name, when you're the one who's cooked the little baby and will give birth to him, surely what you think is of prime importance? (Now I'm being petty!)
Honestly though, fight your side hun because otherwise you will spend forever being unhappy with it.
My sister is called Danielle Elizabeth, yet everyone calls her Elizabeth in her everyday life. It actually complicates everything.

 

[Louise88]

Thankyou I just don't understand the need to register him as Matthew James if James is what we'll still be calling him anyways, if my oh said he suddenly didn't like the name James and wanted to call our son something else then I could accept that its just my oh has made it clear that he'd still get called James. I just want to call my son by his first name not by his middle name. I'd even happily register him as James Matthew if it means a lot to my oh to have his name part of his son.

 

[MBGibbs]

And men say we never compromise!
I am currently having an argument with my OH over the bloody baby's car seat, because he wants to use a second hand maxi cosi, and I want to use our brand new graco one - now THAT is a petty argument.. The thing is, even though I know its petty, its still irritating me too much to drop it.
Honestly.

 

[ssjad]

Tough for them. As the mother, you have at least 50% say in the name. It's important you like it!
My son also goes by his middle name (his choice) and it gets complicated and annoying, especially with legal things including medical stuff,drivers licence and school enrolment.
Stick to your guns!

 

[candyem]

Could you do James Matthew?

It would bother me, especially if you are imagining him as James already.

 

[Ganton]

I have the same name as my mum and really wish I had my "own" name sometimes. My case isn't the same as yours, as I'm known by that name, but if he's registered as Matthew then people throughout his life are bound to call him that until he explains that he actually goes by James. I think James Matthew is a lovely name and a great compromise.

 

[lola85]

I agree with you completely! No way should anyone even DH try and pressure you into a name you don't like. I think James Matthew is a good compromise like you and other pp have said. What does your DH think of it?

 

[wannabenewmum]

My daughter is the same she's 16 and chooses to use her middle name of course didn't really cause much of an issue till the exam time, then she had to register for a crb check and was not thinking so she registered it in the name she uses which wAs obviously not on her birth cert or passport took absolutely weeks to sort the mess out bit it's so hard to go back to her actual name,

 

[Paperhearts]

I just wanted to say that whatever you do please don't let anyone pressure you into a name you don't want. I let people pressure me into it with my first and have regretted it for 15 years.

 

[randomrach]

My answer to your question was 'no' just from reading the title. It is your baby and his family shouldn't have a say in his name, especially pressuring you to name him something you really don't want to.

Even if you do just call him by 'James' his name on all letters/ school registers/ doctors etc will be Matthew, talk about confusing for a young child.

In the same situation I'd tell my OH I'd register baby by myself if I had to. Is that unfair? Yes, but so is trying to force you to name your child something you don't want to.

 

[happigail]

No way should they be telling you what the name will be. I call my daughter by her middle name and have never used her first name, this wasn't intentional tho, it just happened, so I can offer some info on that, she is registered everywhere in her actually name but at the doctors she's is 'known as' her middle name and is called by that name and at school/ pre school there are places on the form to let them know a 'known as'. We were going to change her name. but decided against in the end as these things were put in place.

Saying all that.... we decided this together and the name just stuck instantly, but you ate bonded with James so James Matthew should be the name.

 

[pcsoph2890]

kinda the same discussions me and hubby are having.

He has choosen the boys name William - which i am more than happy with. But i would like a middle name of either Henry or Joseph, as a homage to my granddad/grandpa (not sure which one tho)
For the girl i have always loved Eve (a homage to my gran Evelyn - but don't want just Eve or Evelyn) so i would like Evangeline, as i think it is so pretty... then a middle name as Mae. His gran is called May and my Gran was called Mary (don't want Mary tho either)

His response is what's the point of the middle name, no one will use it so he doesn't want one, but i'm determined to stick to my guns and have one, as if in his opinion no one uses it, then he should have no issue with it....

Will just see how it pans out. I'll bring up the topic soon again, but he is very headstrong and sometimes he thinks that only his opinions should be taken, and no one else has a say so and everyone should bow to his opinions over things.... Just have to broach the right time and just hope that he agrees... (might ply him with some wine and he becomes a lot more ameniable to things!!)

 

[Pretty Please]

I go by my middle name always and have since around 10.
Although its a complete pain in the butt ! As when I needed to fly with work u have to tell them a different name (they look at u odd and have to go full explanation ), doctors surgeries when calling at work trying to find that u are referring yourself to first name , ni number, bank statements - all my documents are messed up with 2 different names and pension docs too so that's going to be fun to sort out !

Also it just causes confusion with people and I get annoyed as people try to wind u up ..... Especially when u know that u hate the name. I have found "known as" names on hospital forms don't work and its so irritating in labor going push x push x - I'm like I'm not called that arrrrhhhhh ( even when my husband in using a complete different name ) . Also doc surgery refuses to call me middle name or sign off a sick note with my middle name ( which was confusing again as apparently I could be the sister yeah right )

I'd say if defo James that should be first name if u want that - I wouldn't op for using a second name immediately seems pointless like that should be first name in beginning !!!!

 

[Hooblet]

I don't understand why he would object to James Matthew if that's what he's suggesting you call him anyway? Seems like the ideal compromise to me. You absolutely deserve input, as you're the one growing and birthing the baby and you've bonded with him already as James.

My son has his dad's name as one of his middle names, which is lovely, but I wouldn't want them to have the same first name (very confusing when letters start to arrive and you don't know which one they're for).

I would stick to your guns - if you're attached to the name James then you'll always regret being pressured into changing it, and it's not fair.

P.S. Baby's name is nothing whatsoever to do with anyone but you and your OH. Families can have their opinions but they don't get a say (we don't tell anyone baby names before the birth for this reason). xx

 

[AP]

I would just say, "we decided James, we're not changing it now, but you can add Matthew"

 

[Pers]

We took advice from this site and decided not to share our baby's name either and I am so glad that we did! His parents know because we wanted them to have a "first to know" with baby and we told my dad about the pregnancy first (his parents were supposed to get gender but OH couldn't keep a secret lol). We also told the family member she is being named after as we wanted to make sure they were OK with it.

Your issue is unique though as your OH is also wanting the name change. Personally I would be fine with calling my child by a middle name, we are planning to call our baby by a nickname and not the given name. I dont think it is petty of you to not want to do that though!

Why is it such a big deal to your OH that your son have his first name? Is he also getting his last name? Is it pressure from his family or something he always wanted? I know it's less common for men to dream up names for their future sons but some guys do. My ex had always dreamed of naming his first child after his grandparents and it was really important to him. Another friend of mine was gutted when his son was born and his ex named him without considering his feelings because he wanted his son to share his name as the first born sons in his line had for over 100 years!

I think James Matthew is a lovely name! Has your OH mentioned why that isn't enough for him?

 

[Pearls18]

I think they're being completely ridiculous. If you're all agreed you're going to call him James anyway then the sensible solution is James Matthew. It's a bit egotistical to push your name so ardently even if you are resolved to it not being used, I wouldn't want to do that that because your poor son will have to constantly explain to people "oh I'm officially Matthew but everyone calls me James" sounds silly but I have spent hours making sure names we pick are easy (ish...) to spell, sound clear, don't have silly abbreviations so they don't have a life of explaining themselves! Nope put your foot down, they're being totally unreasonable. If he is going to be called James, that is his name and his certificate should reflect that.

 

[Itsychik]

To the OP, you are absolutely not being petty. I would be furious with my DH if he tried to pull this on me so close to the birth and after we had already discussed/agreed on a name!

I think James Matthew is a great compromise, and would tell your OH he can either 'take it or leave it' but that you're not caving in just because his family thinks they should be able to have their say.

Hope you're able to reach a compromise

kinda the same discussions me and hubby are having.

...His response is what's the point of the middle name, no one will use it so he doesn't want one, but i'm determined to stick to my guns and have one, as if in his opinion no one uses it, then he should have no issue with it....

My DH didn't have a strong opinion either way (he was OK with or without a middle name, but I definitely wanted one) and my reasoning is that it makes your child more unique. The chances of their being another 'Elizabeth Smith' (for example) in the world are a LOT higher than there being an 'Elizabeth Mae Smith' (and it's important to me that our children have their 'own' identity). I had an uncommon name growing up (both first and middle) and loved that I was almost always the 'only' one in my school.

 

[Louise88]

Thanks for the replies everyone. Matthew wasn't a name he originally wanted not even as a middle name he was fussed in the slightest, Matthew isn't even a name that runs in his family so again it's not like its a name that been passed down for generations. My oh has literally had the seed planted in his head by his family and he suddenly decided that he wants his son to be registered as Matthew James but still be called James, it just doesn't make sense to me. Il not cave into the name as I know its something I'd regret forever and I can't do that to myself I'm just sick of the same discussion with oh with him wanting his way and me saying no. I'm hoping he settles for James Matthew.