feeling scared

[LynAnne]

While I'm not actually TTC yet I'm already thinking about it and it's giving me quite a lot of anxiety so I just wanted to put it out somewhere.

First a little back story. DH and I first started TTC for our first baby in 2015. Over the course of thirteen months we had five losses: three early miscarriages (chemicals) between 4-6 weeks, an ectopic and subsequent loss of my left tube at 8 weeks, and a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks. Last March we had another postive pregnancy test and was terrified to lose another. In fact we were so close to giving up and accepting parent hood just wasn't for us but this little one stuck and in November 2016 we had a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I feel so blessed to have this wonderful boy in my life who is almost 6 months old and now my mind is wandering to TTC #2.

We don't really plan to start TTC until later in the year, maybe the start of next year, but already I can feel the anxiety creeping back in. We would love for 2018 to be the year we have another. I desperately want to be able give DS a little brother or sister. I love this little guy so much and I want that again but I am terrified. I'm not sure how I could possibly cope with more losses but I also can't not give it a try. I flip flop between being desperate for another, so broody, to being almost paralysed with fear at the thought of possibly going through it all again. How many losses will i have to endure next time?

I don't remember how I managed to push past the fear and anxiety of before to get my boy. How can I do it again so that when time does come to ttc, I can manage to be brave for myself, for DH, for my son?

 

[karoolia]

I have no advice, but I just wanted to respond and tell you a) that you aren't alone and b) that you are a champion.

I think you already said it yourself, "I'm not sure how I could possibly cope with more losses but I also can't not give it a try". I have only had one loss (although it came at a horrible time for us and was devastating) and I feel the same. I am terrified about going through it again, but as soon as two weeks after my D&C went by we started trying again because we can't not.

Right now I feel like if I experienced multiple losses I would want to stop, but I can't really say until the time comes. My mother had 3 losses and two living children. My brother was born disabled so she only had one healthy child (me) and she says she would do it all again in a heart beat. I guess that is the thing to hold on to.

I think you are so brave for going through all that and to now prepare to face it again. It sounds like you are a fantastic mom. I can't help with the worry as I don't know how to overcome it myself, but your courage inspires me. I just wanted you to know.

 

[ricschick]

I too think you are very brave! i think you just need to take it one step at a time, you have a beautiful baby boy so you no that your body can do it! so just have a little faith and an open mind, i no its hard as im nervous and scared after having my mmc but i like you need to try again. we are all here to support eachother xx

 

[LynAnne]

Thank you both very much for your kindness. I guess it is probably just a case of one day at a time, one tiny little step at a time. I'm not even ttc yet and I'm already worrying, perhaps needlessly. It was all just so hard and made my successful pregnancy hard, especially in the early stages.

 

[flou]

I understand how you feel. We have just started ttc number 2 after having a difficult time with ttc for number 1. We tried for 19 months and finally got our first bfp to only end in mc at 6 weeks. We ttc for another 11 months but lost our second angel again at 6 weeks. 7 months later I conceived my rainbow. I had a complications at the end of my pregnancy and a difficult birth which ended in an emergency c-section. However I would do it all again for my gorgeous DS who is now a very happy and healthy 2 year old. We have just started ttc number 2 and I am scared. And I'm not sure how I will cope if I have more losses but I am stronger from what I have experienced. Hopefully I will be blessed with another rainbow soon. And if it is another tough journey I do know they will be worth it!

 

[Zenamygirl]

Hey there I just wanted to pop in to tell you that you are not alone! I'm currently TTC after a missed miscarriage at 6 weeks back in March. I am so sorry to hear about your losses. I am also very anxious about it all and so nervous to go through the heartbreak again...

Alright so this is quite lengthy and a bit of a TMI but I figured I would post anyways to get some advice, personal experiences, or even just someone to talk to.

Fast forward to this past month, I am very confused.

Start of my last AF was 5/13. Completely normal for me. I started testing with OPK around CD 10 and did not get a positive until CD 21-22, 6/3-6/4. Thought I was out for the month when I started to get what I thought was the start of AF on 6/18 at 14DPO. That would make it a 35 day cycle. But AF never truly came. I had a very light period, 3 days of brownish/reddish spotting with lots of CM. Took a hpt because I thought I was for sure preggo but got a BFN.

It only gets weirder from here, on CD 5 I got a positive OPK!!! But a stark white negative hpt (Wondfo internet cheapies)

I've been having hot flashes, waves of nausea, diarrhea (tmi I'm sorry), and twinges of pain in my breasts.

Has anyone had similar experiences? This might seem dumb but I'm driving myself crazy! I just want some sort of answer so I can keep on trying if I'm not