Feeling so down and a bit trapped..

[ZombieQueen]

My husband and I celebrated our one year anniversary this last december, I was 3 months along, but he started a new job, met a girl and put me through hell for her. He had a second number to talk to her with, took her shopping, out to lunch, but made me feel so guilty for even asking to go out to eat (as a pregnant woman, this was hard to avoid!) I had to ask my parents for money to buy maternity pants, etc.. I spent my birthday, 7 months pregnant, home alone while he was out buying booze, condoms and hanging out with that girl.. He could never say he wanted to be with me, but could never say he was completely done with me.. So I stuck around until the bitter end, trying desperately to keep my marriage together.. I loved and still love him.. I moved back home with my parents in Hawaii in April, had my little girl who just turned 2 months and I thought things would get easier once I got here, that I'd be able to let go and move on.. but I'm struggling.. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing better, but then I find myself crying because I miss him.. He still contacts me, I told him that if he cancelled my phone, he could contact me through my mom's phone.. so he kept my phone open and pays the bill.. He left me on his credit card and bank account, so I have access to his money incase I need something for baby, which is really nice of him.. But I know he's been out with other women and it breaks my heart.. He lies about it most of the time, denies it, etc.. He has NO pictures of LO on his fb, no mention of her at all. We agreed to see other people, but it tears me up.. I know he's a cheater, I know he's a liar, but I still love him.. I don't want to, but I do.. He tells me he wants to try to make things work.. in 3-4 years and that we should just be friends until then.. I agree, but I hate it. I don't want to wait 3-4 years while he fucks around and I sit here raising our baby alone. He hasn't even met her yet..

I know it's stupid and I should hate him and never want to speak to him again, but he pays the phone bill, so I keep in touch.. He lets me use his money for LO, if I didn't have the card he wouldn't have bought her a single thing.. and a part of me desperately clings to hope that he'll realize what he's missing and come back.. He tells me he misses me all the time, that he's miserable there without me.. But he won't even discuss moving here to be with us.. He tells me he doesn't love me, that he used to and he possibly could in the future, but doesn't right now.. so I tell him to let me go, I plead with him to let me move on.. he'll agree and tell me I'm better off without him.. then the next day he will tell me that he feels like he's making the wrong choice, that I'm the best woman he's ever been with and he wants to be together (in the future, but not now...) I just want him to let me go.. I married him and I'm so fiercely loyal that when I said through better or worse I'll be there.. so here I am.. waiting like a stupid puppy.. I was going to file for divorce in July, but he convinced me to wait because he's in the military, so I can use his GI bill to pay for college.. So I still feel married to him, I feel awful and guilty just thinking of dating, even though we already agreed to date other people... I'm trying to move on, I've got dinner plans with an old friend next week, but I'm totally dreading it.. and I can't even muster the courage to tell FOB..

How am I supposed to get past this, I feel more and more trapped in his grip everyday.. I cry myself to sleep most nights.. I just want to beg him be with me.. and other times I want to tell him to go fuck himself, but I can't because I so desperately want him to be a father to our little girl who deserves SO much better than all of this..

I'm miserable.. I wish I was strong enough to walk away..

 

[lovingmommy]

My husband and I celebrated our one year anniversary this last december, I was 3 months along, but he started a new job, met a girl and put me through hell for her. He had a second number to talk to her with, took her shopping, out to lunch, but made me feel so guilty for even asking to go out to eat (as a pregnant woman, this was hard to avoid!) I had to ask my parents for money to buy maternity pants, etc.. I spent my birthday, 7 months pregnant, home alone while he was out buying booze, condoms and hanging out with that girl.. He could never say he wanted to be with me, but could never say he was completely done with me.. So I stuck around until the bitter end, trying desperately to keep my marriage together.. I loved and still love him.. I moved back home with my parents in Hawaii in April, had my little girl who just turned 2 months and I thought things would get easier once I got here, that I'd be able to let go and move on.. but I'm struggling.. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing better, but then I find myself crying because I miss him.. He still contacts me, I told him that if he cancelled my phone, he could contact me through my mom's phone.. so he kept my phone open and pays the bill.. He left me on his credit card and bank account, so I have access to his money incase I need something for baby, which is really nice of him.. But I know he's been out with other women and it breaks my heart.. He lies about it most of the time, denies it, etc.. He has NO pictures of LO on his fb, no mention of her at all. We agreed to see other people, but it tears me up.. I know he's a cheater, I know he's a liar, but I still love him.. I don't want to, but I do.. He tells me he wants to try to make things work.. in 3-4 years and that we should just be friends until then.. I agree, but I hate it. I don't want to wait 3-4 years while he fucks around and I sit here raising our baby alone. He hasn't even met her yet..

I know it's stupid and I should hate him and never want to speak to him again, but he pays the phone bill, so I keep in touch.. He lets me use his money for LO, if I didn't have the card he wouldn't have bought her a single thing.. and a part of me desperately clings to hope that he'll realize what he's missing and come back.. He tells me he misses me all the time, that he's miserable there without me.. But he won't even discuss moving here to be with us.. He tells me he doesn't love me, that he used to and he possibly could in the future, but doesn't right now.. so I tell him to let me go, I plead with him to let me move on.. he'll agree and tell me I'm better off without him.. then the next day he will tell me that he feels like he's making the wrong choice, that I'm the best woman he's ever been with and he wants to be together (in the future, but not now...) I just want him to let me go.. I married him and I'm so fiercely loyal that when I said through better or worse I'll be there.. so here I am.. waiting like a stupid puppy.. I was going to file for divorce in July, but he convinced me to wait because he's in the military, so I can use his GI bill to pay for college.. So I still feel married to him, I feel awful and guilty just thinking of dating, even though we already agreed to date other people... I'm trying to move on, I've got dinner plans with an old friend next week, but I'm totally dreading it.. and I can't even muster the courage to tell FOB..

How am I supposed to get past this, I feel more and more trapped in his grip everyday.. I cry myself to sleep most nights.. I just want to beg him be with me.. and other times I want to tell him to go fuck himself, but I can't because I so desperately want him to be a father to our little girl who deserves SO much better than all of this..

I'm miserable.. I wish I was strong enough to walk away..

Oh, hunny.. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I know what you mean about missing him one minute and wishing he would fuck off the next. That is exactly how I feel with FOB. I feel so confused all the time and it pisses me off. I feel so pissed at your FOB right now. I would have gone crazy if I went through those things. I think you should just try to go on dates with old friends. Why not? At least it will help you take your mind off of him for that time being. I wish you all the best of luck. I really hope he wakes the fuck up and realizes what he's missing out on.. not even meeting his daughter. Ugh. I can't imagine. If you ever need to talk or rant I'm here. Just leave me a PM or something. Let me know how your date goes. Also, It's okay to be sad and confused about our feelings. I think we will always miss them. It will just take time I suppose. I don't think it's fair for him to expect you to wait 3-4 years though. You'll never move on if he keeps playing games like that..

 

[Dezireey]

Do you want my honest opinion on what this guy wants ? ( I think you know the truth here sweetheart).

He is keeping you in the background just in case in 3-4 years time he doesn't find anyone else he wants to be with. Do you know what's going to happen... this poor excuse for a man and husband will find another serious relationship and tell you he wants to get married or something and break your heart into a million tiny pieces all over again. So you would have spent 3-4 years of YOUR life waiting for this idiot. Don't do it. Don't do it to yourself and don't let LO see you upset for this length of time. You know what game he is playing so be strong now and call time on his game playing. You need to take control here and start measures to cut him out your life completely as best you can. There is nothing wrong with still missing and loving someone who treated you badly. I still miss my FOB and he was a shit to me but you must find strength and MAKE yourself get over him. Tell him you no longer love him, no longer need him, you are ready for someone else. He will probably profess his undying love if you say this but still tell you he can't be with you for a few years- game playing and control again. He's no good for you hunny and your little girl deserves better than him. Only you can make all this pain go away so dust yourself off and get to it, you'll be a much, much happier person soon.

Hugs x

 

[ZombieQueen]

I know you're right.. I've known this for months now. I just.. I try to tell him I'm done, that I'm moving on and he just knows exactly what to say to suck me back in. I hate it. I don't want to be bitter and resentful toward him for my daughter's sake, but I feel like the only way I could truly get over him is by hating him and avoiding all contact.. I just don't know how to do that.. I wish he would just openly date other women, so I can feel sick and heartbroken now and just get over it.. He just hides everything and fucks with my head.. I don't know how to be strong and let go. We're miles and miles apart, I don't know if or when I'll ever see him, but I still can't seem to forget him..

 

[Dezireey]

Just accept that you love him, don't fight that and it will settle better in your soul knowing there is nothing bad or wrong in feeling that but honestly all you would need is to date another man who treats you better and your perspective will alter completely. Right now he is all you know and you were not ready to stop loving him, he was ready to stop loving you. I'm sorry but he doesn't love you, not in the way you want or need. My FOB still tells me he loves me but I tell him that he has the gall to say that, he doesn't know what love is. Love is not abandoning your wife and child. In fact you should be even more pissed off with him for saying he loves you etc. How cruel is that? At least some guys just up and leave saying they have fallen out of love etc, yours wants to keep torturing you! Nuh, this is not a nice person, you are well rid and way better off. He knows about his child, where you are etc. What you need to do is quite simple... do nothing. Don't make any effort to communicate with him unless it's an emergency. Let him do all the communicating and even then I would give him 5 mins of your time, if that. He is not worth your tears, your sadness or one more day of your thoughts. Let him live with his decision. Let him realise he has lost you forever and for good. Work on looking after yourself and do things that boost your self esteem and confidence. If you feel more confident etc you will deal with this better so start there. You deserve to be happy after what he has done to you, we all do.

 

[ZombieQueen]

Thanks .. I'm trying, looking into getting back into school.. trying to work out and keep my mind other places.. I just never dreamed it could be so hard to let go of someone. I have no self control, when I miss him, I have such a hard time not texting or contacting him.. I'm going to try my best not to contact him.. I guess thats really the only place to start..

 

[Dezireey]

I know how you feel, trust me I do. I was not married to my FOB but he is the only man I have ever truly loved but he didn't and does not love me like I love him. He just left me when I fell pregnant with our son. He has seen him once and he is a manic depressive that lies and thinks only of himself and lives in a fantasy world. Yet I still love him and hate the fact that I do. So now I just accept that and thankfully with my LO to look after now I find it easier to move on. Its like having an open wound, every time you contact him you are picking and picking at that wound and not letting it heal, eventually you'll be left with deep scars. Don't torture yourself be kind to yourself. It's difficult when you love someone and they do this, very, very difficult. You are not alone it happens to the best of us. It's HOW you carry on that makes a difference. Don't let him spoil the next few years of your life from a distance. You will get better, it just takes time.

 

[fl00b]

Do you want my honest opinion on what this guy wants ? ( I think you know the truth here sweetheart).

He is keeping you in the background just in case in 3-4 years time he doesn't find anyone else he wants to be with. Do you know what's going to happen... this poor excuse for a man and husband will find another serious relationship and tell you he wants to get married or something and break your heart into a million tiny pieces all over again. So you would have spent 3-4 years of YOUR life waiting for this idiot. Don't do it. Don't do it to yourself and don't let LO see you upset for this length of time. You know what game he is playing so be strong now and call time on his game playing. You need to take control here and start measures to cut him out your life completely as best you can. There is nothing wrong with still missing and loving someone who treated you badly. I still miss my FOB and he was a shit to me but you must find strength and MAKE yourself get over him. Tell him you no longer love him, no longer need him, you are ready for someone else. He will probably profess his undying love if you say this but still tell you he can't be with you for a few years- game playing and control again. He's no good for you hunny and your little girl deserves better than him. Only you can make all this pain go away so dust yourself off and get to it, you'll be a much, much happier person soon.

Hugs x

i agree, he's got to see that you can't be second best or his "back up plan" when things fall through with this girl!

 

[gracexxx]

i agree with everyone else, i know its hard but you've gotta be strong think of your LO aswell, she deserves better doesn't she? and so do you. You and youre little one are beautiful, you'll find someone 10 times better than him.

 

[emeraldbaby]

Zombie Queen- I agree with everything Dezireey said. I even found the advice personally helpful. The reason we still love the men despite their bad treatment of us is because WE have a heart, WE meant the vows and WE would do anything to make them happy.... but it's not the same for them. They have a all consuming personality flaw of selfishness, they only care about how they feel and view us as no more important than a piece of furniture (there to serve a purpose and discard whenever it suits them). I suggest you move on and don't look back honey. He is using you as a back up plan and destroying your self esteem. Plus he is acting like his daughter doesn't exist. You and your daughter deserve better! I am glad you have family support. And always remember you aren't alone, there are other women who can totally relate. Hugs x

 

[ZombieQueen]

Thanks ladies I'm trying my best.. I went out with my friend, but the whole time I was uncomfortable and felt like crying.. I couldn't even make eye contact, just kind of stared out and carried on conversation as best I could.. I only stayed out two hours and hurried home to LO who was sitting happily with my mom.. I spent those two hours wishing I was with FOB.. cried myself to sleep that night.. FOB and I spoke, he told me he's looking at joining the police force and that he'd make decent money.. He offered to send me money to buy myself a car, I refused.. he said he wants to buy a house for us.. just trying to suck me back in...

 

[WhoopC]

My opinion: I'm so sorry that this POS is doing this to you. I'm a veteran of the military and they do not look kindly on their soldiers engaging in adultery, so much so that they can and will punish your husband for his actions. Of course he's paying your cell bill and letting you have access to his money because if he didn't the alternative is that you could haul his sorry ass into court, and trust me he would be paying more than a measly cell phone bill. Drop this loser and do better for yourself AND for your daughter. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that this is "normal" and this is how men treat women? Because the cycle will continue, she will look for a man that's just like her daddy - a womanizing loser. I'm sorry to sound so harsh and I know how bad it hurts first hand. But trust me when I say you will get over him and you will find someone to love and someone to love you the way you deserve to be loved.