MummyStobe
1 angel & 1 rainbow
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- May 17, 2011
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I cant believe that its only just over 3 weeks since we said goodbye to Max. It feels like a lifetime has passed but at the same time it feels like only yesterday. Today I feel strong enough to tell my story.
At the end of July I started with some brown spotting which gradually increased to full on fresh red bleeding. I was backwards and forwards to the hospital on various occasions during the day and middle of the night. I joked about needing to rent a room I was making the journey that often. On every visit I was examined and told the bleeding was coming from my cervix and would settle down but it didn't.
On the evening of Friday 5th Aug I was back at the hospital again and the doctor did a scan to check for a low lying placenta so we got a sneaky peek at our little man and he gave us a little wave. The placenta was in a good position so I had yet another internal examination and the doctor could still see the bleeding was coming from my cervix and wasn't too concerned but wanted me to be booked in for an urgent colposcopy.
I had my routine scan booked for Monday 8th Aug so we went to that and I was left feeling a bit deflated by it. The sonographer was a sour faced mare and was getting frustrated because Max had his head down and he was in a bad position for her to carry out all the checks. I got sent out twice to drink more water and move around but it didn't help and in the end she had to get someone else in. Although we were told everything was fine we didn't get to see the screen much, she didn't really explain anything and she couldn't get a decent picture so we decided to save our money and not get one. We did stick to our guns and we didnt find out the sex, I was adamant I wanted to stay on team yellow.
After the scan we popped into the Maternity Day Unit as the bleeding wasn't settling down and I wanted to see if my colposcopy had been booked and as we were waiting at the desk I felt this gush, looking back now I know it was my waters breaking. I went into panic mode and they called a doctor and a consultant down to see me. The consultant said I had to be admitted and that the colposcopy appointment had to be chased up.
I spent the Monday evening, Tuesday and Wednesday on the Maternity ward, luckily I had a side room so I wasnt surrounded by babies. On the Tuesday I was having cramps (or with hindsight contractions) and was feeling really ill. That evening I was told my colposcopy was booked for Thursday morning (great birthday present for me) and put on a drip and the midwife listened to the heartbeat which was good and strong. On the Wednesday morning I got a couple of strong kicks but the bleeding was getting really heavy and the cramps a lot worse. I felt like I was up and down to the loo all morning and it was on one of these trips that Max decided to put in his appearance. I ended up using the emergency pull and three midwives came dashing in. I gave birth to him in the bathroom at 12:16pm and apart from the midwives I was on my own, my mum was on her way to see me for afternoon visiting and Mark wasnt due to visit until teatime. The midwives called Mark and they were both with me within the hour. I was in complete shock after I had delivered him, I was numb and couldn't cry at first. I had so many questions that I wanted to ask but I was scared to hear the answers, it took all my courage to ask if I'd had a boy or a girl. I'm still amazed that he was a little boy as I was 110% convinced that I was carrying a girl. We decided to call him Max as it was one of the names on our shortlist and it was the name that I kept getting drawn to. It seemed silly to try to think of another name for him.
I was then moved down to the delivery suite and we got to see Max and spend some time with him. He was absolutely perfect in every single way and he looked just like Mark. He was just so small, he only weighed 9.5 ounces. We got lots of pictures of him and the hospital did his foot and hand prints for us and the chaplain came to see us and blessed Max. We were able to choose a blanket to wrap him in which we were allowed to bring home. I haven't slept without it since, not that I've done much sleeping. I go to bed feeling tired but as soon as my head hits the pillow I'm wide awake again and when I do sleep I have the strangest dreams. I used to enjoy my sleep but not anymore. I asked to go home that night, I didn't want to spend anymore time in the hospital, I just wanted to be at home with Mark but when it was time to leave I couldn't bring myself to go. Walking away from the hospital that evening is one of the hardest things I've ever done, I felt like I was leaving my baby behind, I just wanted to take him home with us. And then when we got home, it didn't feel right and I didn't want to be here, it didn't feel like me safe haven anymore.
We made the decision not to have a post mortem done, Im certain Max would have been fine if I hadnt gone into labour so early but I asked for any investigations they can do for me. They took some blood to test and my colposcopy was rearranged for this coming Thursday and I have an appointment with the consultant at the end of September. Now I feel like these appointments are dragging things out and stopping me from moving on but deep down I know they are important and if they are able to tell me anything it could help in any future pregnancy.
We had a small funeral service for Max on 20th Aug with immediate family at Marks family church and had him buried in the churchyard. The Priest did a lovely service and then my heart shattered all over again as Mark carried the tiny white casket out to the grave. I carried Max's photo and linked my arm through Marks and we exited the church as a family. I don't know where we found the strength to get through the day, I cry eveytime I think about it. Im so glad we didnt decide to have Max cremated as there wouldnt have been any ashes and I would have felt like we had disposed of him rather than laid him to rest.
Im still off work at the moment, my GP has signed me off for another two weeks this morning but he wants me to work towards getting myself back to work after that. I have my good days and my bad days although one good day is normally followed by two or three bad ones.
Sorry to prattle on so much, I was hoping to keep it shorter than this. Well done if you've made it this far and thank you for taking the time to read.
At the end of July I started with some brown spotting which gradually increased to full on fresh red bleeding. I was backwards and forwards to the hospital on various occasions during the day and middle of the night. I joked about needing to rent a room I was making the journey that often. On every visit I was examined and told the bleeding was coming from my cervix and would settle down but it didn't.
On the evening of Friday 5th Aug I was back at the hospital again and the doctor did a scan to check for a low lying placenta so we got a sneaky peek at our little man and he gave us a little wave. The placenta was in a good position so I had yet another internal examination and the doctor could still see the bleeding was coming from my cervix and wasn't too concerned but wanted me to be booked in for an urgent colposcopy.
I had my routine scan booked for Monday 8th Aug so we went to that and I was left feeling a bit deflated by it. The sonographer was a sour faced mare and was getting frustrated because Max had his head down and he was in a bad position for her to carry out all the checks. I got sent out twice to drink more water and move around but it didn't help and in the end she had to get someone else in. Although we were told everything was fine we didn't get to see the screen much, she didn't really explain anything and she couldn't get a decent picture so we decided to save our money and not get one. We did stick to our guns and we didnt find out the sex, I was adamant I wanted to stay on team yellow.
After the scan we popped into the Maternity Day Unit as the bleeding wasn't settling down and I wanted to see if my colposcopy had been booked and as we were waiting at the desk I felt this gush, looking back now I know it was my waters breaking. I went into panic mode and they called a doctor and a consultant down to see me. The consultant said I had to be admitted and that the colposcopy appointment had to be chased up.
I spent the Monday evening, Tuesday and Wednesday on the Maternity ward, luckily I had a side room so I wasnt surrounded by babies. On the Tuesday I was having cramps (or with hindsight contractions) and was feeling really ill. That evening I was told my colposcopy was booked for Thursday morning (great birthday present for me) and put on a drip and the midwife listened to the heartbeat which was good and strong. On the Wednesday morning I got a couple of strong kicks but the bleeding was getting really heavy and the cramps a lot worse. I felt like I was up and down to the loo all morning and it was on one of these trips that Max decided to put in his appearance. I ended up using the emergency pull and three midwives came dashing in. I gave birth to him in the bathroom at 12:16pm and apart from the midwives I was on my own, my mum was on her way to see me for afternoon visiting and Mark wasnt due to visit until teatime. The midwives called Mark and they were both with me within the hour. I was in complete shock after I had delivered him, I was numb and couldn't cry at first. I had so many questions that I wanted to ask but I was scared to hear the answers, it took all my courage to ask if I'd had a boy or a girl. I'm still amazed that he was a little boy as I was 110% convinced that I was carrying a girl. We decided to call him Max as it was one of the names on our shortlist and it was the name that I kept getting drawn to. It seemed silly to try to think of another name for him.
I was then moved down to the delivery suite and we got to see Max and spend some time with him. He was absolutely perfect in every single way and he looked just like Mark. He was just so small, he only weighed 9.5 ounces. We got lots of pictures of him and the hospital did his foot and hand prints for us and the chaplain came to see us and blessed Max. We were able to choose a blanket to wrap him in which we were allowed to bring home. I haven't slept without it since, not that I've done much sleeping. I go to bed feeling tired but as soon as my head hits the pillow I'm wide awake again and when I do sleep I have the strangest dreams. I used to enjoy my sleep but not anymore. I asked to go home that night, I didn't want to spend anymore time in the hospital, I just wanted to be at home with Mark but when it was time to leave I couldn't bring myself to go. Walking away from the hospital that evening is one of the hardest things I've ever done, I felt like I was leaving my baby behind, I just wanted to take him home with us. And then when we got home, it didn't feel right and I didn't want to be here, it didn't feel like me safe haven anymore.
We made the decision not to have a post mortem done, Im certain Max would have been fine if I hadnt gone into labour so early but I asked for any investigations they can do for me. They took some blood to test and my colposcopy was rearranged for this coming Thursday and I have an appointment with the consultant at the end of September. Now I feel like these appointments are dragging things out and stopping me from moving on but deep down I know they are important and if they are able to tell me anything it could help in any future pregnancy.
We had a small funeral service for Max on 20th Aug with immediate family at Marks family church and had him buried in the churchyard. The Priest did a lovely service and then my heart shattered all over again as Mark carried the tiny white casket out to the grave. I carried Max's photo and linked my arm through Marks and we exited the church as a family. I don't know where we found the strength to get through the day, I cry eveytime I think about it. Im so glad we didnt decide to have Max cremated as there wouldnt have been any ashes and I would have felt like we had disposed of him rather than laid him to rest.
Im still off work at the moment, my GP has signed me off for another two weeks this morning but he wants me to work towards getting myself back to work after that. I have my good days and my bad days although one good day is normally followed by two or three bad ones.
Sorry to prattle on so much, I was hoping to keep it shorter than this. Well done if you've made it this far and thank you for taking the time to read.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Its so unfair. 
((hugs)) xxx
