Feels alone

[HopeAlways]

Today is CD 6 into my second TTC cycle after my miscarriage in December. I surprised myself by getting excited to try again the first month after mmc but it ended in a BFN which has put me in a funk. It kept me busy to OPK and symptom monitoring but once it ended in nothing all the emotions kept flooding back. DH wants to understand but has no idea what it feels like to experience continued disappointment and crazy emotions. A part of me wants to give up and let nature takes it course but another part knows we should keep trying. I can't let myself give up just after one month of TTC after the miscarriage. I know I might be very fertile now but I also know my body may not be fully ready again. DH is staying positive and really wants to work hard this month but I am hesitant to experience the loss again at the end of the month.

I just need to vent and get out my feelings. I truly appreciate having this forum to experience my frustrations. I wish I knew why I lost our little one and I would give anything to have that baby back. We saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks but we never heard it. What I would give to redo that last appointment (11 weeks) where we learned she had died. Breaks my heart to know I couldn't help her. Now I get to see 3 other women at work happily progressing through their pregnancies. Why me? Why any woman? Things just aren't making sense to me lately. We have so much love to give and want nothing more to love our baby. God meant for women to be "fruitful and multiply" so I pray He gives us all the chance to fulfill His Word.

 

[Xpecta]

Trying to rely on God through this kind of Tragedy is really hard. I'm struggling with it myself. If we are supposed to be fruitful, why are SO many of us miscarrying? Also, why are the ones the REALLY want a baby miscarrying, and the ones that don't want them getting abortions? Hopefully it will all make sense to us before too long. I pray no one loses their faith through these mis trials.

But, keep in mind that your baby is happy and healthy with our Heavenly father. They love you very much! And you will be reunited with them one day!

Maybe you can talk to your baby. They are listening. Ask them to visit you in a dream so you can see them and love them and hear them talk to you.

Thats what I've been asking Noelani (My missed baby) to do. I'm pretty sure I have seen them, but I keep waking up forgetting my dreams. Which in all honesty, is really weird for me cause I ALWAYS remember them.

Anyways, if you ever need to talk, I'm here, as are many women. Its good we have so many people we can interact with to help us through our rough times!

 

[Eternal]

im so sorry, its so hard, i set myself a plan, next month im classing as my first month (even though i would love to be pregnant this month) so hopfully wont be too heart broken if im not this month, and planning the emsp as this month we did it every month and have almost killed ourselves lol!

if nothing next month, im trying acupuncture. so i have some short term goals, in a way im really looking forward to the acupunture for some me time so if i get to that stage then so be it. i like plans and im trying not to focus too much on being pregnant this month, its hard though.

as for the god thing, i do beleive in god, i cant say why its happened, maybe there was something we needed to learn first, perhaps it was simply this baby needed that short mortal experince, perhaps it will come back to us or perhaps its waiting for us in the next life.

What i do know is i have changed, learnt and grown from th experince, i couldnt have learnt those lessons any other way. people and children die at all ages and perhaps this is just the same, for whatever reason a child is taken away is the same for our babies.

I know god loves us, each of us and i know he hurts when we hurt, i get comfort in that. i know god loves me yet i dont know the reason for all things, and for now that needs to be enough for me. i believe i will have another child, before this i was deterimed it was my last, thinking of all the things we could afford to go, places we could go etc if i just had two children, now i think about how special and precious life is and that has changed my view, i dont know how many i want but i do know im not so ridgid in my thinking.

anyway, enough of me and my thoughs ... im so sorry for your loss. I hope you get more hope this time, i hope and pray all of us will get our BFPs soon and can cope a little better with the loss of our babies xxx

 

[Xpecta]

Jo, I LOVE what you said about How our Babies needed the mortal experience! That completely comforted me! Cause who knows, maybe its nothing about us, but about the baby and their spirit that needed the experience! Thank you for saying that!

 

[Eternal]

Thats ok hun, im glad you found comfort in that, i wonder if we are chosen to be the mummies to carry these special children who just need that short motral experince becuase we are strong enough to handle it.

the point is we wont know, at least not in this life, so whatever brings us comfort is what we need to beleive and cling too. as ive said before i have no idea why, but i do think its for a reason, not puncishment or just to make us suffer but for some reason that will benefit us or benefit our baby.

 

[Xpecta]

Also, My cousin was talking to me. She had a miscarriage a couple years ago, and she said that someone told her, or she read somewhere once, that these babies that we lose, or even the ones that are aborted, Choose to do this, Knowing what their end is like and how soon it may come. Basically God asks and says, who wants to go and be a part of this families life? And they do it voluntarily. So I like that. I like to believe that it can happen like that!