maythisbelove
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2011
- Messages
- 726
- Reaction score
- 0
Warning: This is fairly long. I haven't vent like this in long time. If you read this, bless you. xoxo
SO and I found out we were pregnant in Janurary. Everything was going great! I received an ultrasound where the test the thickness of the neck for abnormalities (downs, etc)[forget the name of the test]. The baby looked great. Four weeks later, SO, myself, and my 3yo DS go to our monthly checkup. My doctor, who is amazing mind you, is trying to find the heartbeat with the doppler. She wasn't able to, which is completely understandable, DS liked to hide under my placenta. So she sent us to US. I was excited because I was going to be able to see our bean again! The US tech applied the gel and doppler onto my belly. She is taking what seems like forever to enter measurements onto the computer, moving the doppler around. I asked her is everything okay? She tells me hang on. She takes a few more moments to do whatever she was doing. I was getting a feeling in my stomach that I did not like. She wheels her chair to the wall with the TV on and flicks it on. I was smiling because I was going to see our bean! She proceeds to tell me she's sorry but there isn't a heartbeat. My DS is going wild in the US room and SO didn't hear what she said as he's trying to take care of DS, he just looks at me and says what's wrong. The US tech then repeats her self. I am bawling my eyes out. Crying hysterically. I get up and go into the restroom and bawl my eyes out more. We then have to walk across the waiting room past moms, moms to be, other women who know what just happened. Their faces, oh their faces.
I proceed to the room where my doctor comes in and consoles me and talks over things with me. I then make arrangements to see a specialist bc my body hasn't rid itself of the baby. 
. The walk to the car seemed like forever. It hadn't hit SO yet. We get into the car and we're pulling out, wait for oncoming traffic so we can go, and then it hits SO. He starts bawling which in turn has me bawling. We have to tell people, etc. About five days later we are able to see the specialist who was kind enough to "squeeze" me in. We went over the US, did another one, did all the necessary testing, etc. He tells me it's a fetal demise, the heart stopped beating for some time. I want to say the heart stopped beating almost two weeks after that US we had four weeks before our regular appt. We go over our options, etc. Since my body hasn't done it naturally, there was the one option. D&E. not D&C because I was in my second trimester. He sticks a couple sticks of seaweed type things in my cervix, which hurt more than i can fathom, bc obv my cervix is closed. A couple days later, I am admitted to the Outpatient Surgical Ward at the nearby hospital. All i could think was I hope this doesn't ruin my DS 2nd birthday party, which was scheduled to occur in two days. Of course i thought about so many other things that I tried to stay positive, etc.
The proceeding weeks and months to pass were very difficult to me. After DS was born, I was in psychosis (not seeing or hearing this, just the disconnection from life, people, etc). I've delt with severe (to the tenth degree) depression all my life and def during my pregnancy with DS. So after we lost this baby, I felt numb. Things with SO, family, friends, weren't the same for some time. I felt alone. I always cried. I went to my post surgical appt and asked for Mirena. I didn't want to take the chance that it might happen again. It just wasn't SO and my time yet.
It's been a year and three months (3 days away from the exact day we found out that the heartbeat wasn't there anymore), and a couple months ago we decided to TTC!!! Best news ever! So June 7th I have my mirena removed after it's been in for a year. My last LMP was May 23. We had DTD A LOT. TMI! But sex with SO is amazing, sensual, and just plain fun! This cycle was our only shot to TTC since he has to go to Seattle for work on Wednesday (6/29) for THREE months! Then he's back for a few weeks and gone again. I just hope it happens for us! Just as I hope it happens for all women out there who are TTC!
to all! and hope all of us women get our 
soon!
Thanks for reading, I feel a little better. I don't think I've ever really just told that story like that before. I don't really talk about it and if I do, it's fairly a touchy subject.
xoxoxo
SO and I found out we were pregnant in Janurary. Everything was going great! I received an ultrasound where the test the thickness of the neck for abnormalities (downs, etc)[forget the name of the test]. The baby looked great. Four weeks later, SO, myself, and my 3yo DS go to our monthly checkup. My doctor, who is amazing mind you, is trying to find the heartbeat with the doppler. She wasn't able to, which is completely understandable, DS liked to hide under my placenta. So she sent us to US. I was excited because I was going to be able to see our bean again! The US tech applied the gel and doppler onto my belly. She is taking what seems like forever to enter measurements onto the computer, moving the doppler around. I asked her is everything okay? She tells me hang on. She takes a few more moments to do whatever she was doing. I was getting a feeling in my stomach that I did not like. She wheels her chair to the wall with the TV on and flicks it on. I was smiling because I was going to see our bean! She proceeds to tell me she's sorry but there isn't a heartbeat. My DS is going wild in the US room and SO didn't hear what she said as he's trying to take care of DS, he just looks at me and says what's wrong. The US tech then repeats her self. I am bawling my eyes out. Crying hysterically. I get up and go into the restroom and bawl my eyes out more. We then have to walk across the waiting room past moms, moms to be, other women who know what just happened. Their faces, oh their faces.
I proceed to the room where my doctor comes in and consoles me and talks over things with me. I then make arrangements to see a specialist bc my body hasn't rid itself of the baby. . The walk to the car seemed like forever. It hadn't hit SO yet. We get into the car and we're pulling out, wait for oncoming traffic so we can go, and then it hits SO. He starts bawling which in turn has me bawling. We have to tell people, etc. About five days later we are able to see the specialist who was kind enough to "squeeze" me in. We went over the US, did another one, did all the necessary testing, etc. He tells me it's a fetal demise, the heart stopped beating for some time. I want to say the heart stopped beating almost two weeks after that US we had four weeks before our regular appt. We go over our options, etc. Since my body hasn't done it naturally, there was the one option. D&E. not D&C because I was in my second trimester. He sticks a couple sticks of seaweed type things in my cervix, which hurt more than i can fathom, bc obv my cervix is closed. A couple days later, I am admitted to the Outpatient Surgical Ward at the nearby hospital. All i could think was I hope this doesn't ruin my DS 2nd birthday party, which was scheduled to occur in two days. Of course i thought about so many other things that I tried to stay positive, etc. The proceeding weeks and months to pass were very difficult to me. After DS was born, I was in psychosis (not seeing or hearing this, just the disconnection from life, people, etc). I've delt with severe (to the tenth degree) depression all my life and def during my pregnancy with DS. So after we lost this baby, I felt numb. Things with SO, family, friends, weren't the same for some time. I felt alone. I always cried. I went to my post surgical appt and asked for Mirena. I didn't want to take the chance that it might happen again. It just wasn't SO and my time yet.
It's been a year and three months (3 days away from the exact day we found out that the heartbeat wasn't there anymore), and a couple months ago we decided to TTC!!! Best news ever! So June 7th I have my mirena removed after it's been in for a year. My last LMP was May 23. We had DTD A LOT. TMI! But sex with SO is amazing, sensual, and just plain fun! This cycle was our only shot to TTC since he has to go to Seattle for work on Wednesday (6/29) for THREE months! Then he's back for a few weeks and gone again. I just hope it happens for us! Just as I hope it happens for all women out there who are TTC!
to all! and hope all of us women get our soon!Thanks for reading, I feel a little better. I don't think I've ever really just told that story like that before. I don't really talk about it and if I do, it's fairly a touchy subject.
xoxoxo
so sorry for your loss.
xxxx
just was the best news ever. Now Ava was here for a brief moment and now gone forever 
Kisses to your gorgeous angel 
