Finally doing what I want for the first time, but feeling guilty!

[bookworm0901]

I have been pregnant four times total, including this one. I had one miscarriage and 2 babies and am now 5 weeks pregnant.

I always try so hard to be fair with my parents and the in-laws. With everything! I can tell my in-laws appreciate it because their son honestly doesn't care. So with every pregnancy, I can't hold out and I end up telling my mom because we are SO close. We talk several times/day and see each other several times/week. So I tell her immediately and then out of guilt, I tell the in-laws also. But I always regret it!

With my DS, I got a lecture about how miscarriages are so common when I told them. My mil's first words were "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?!" I was so confused, because hello! I was telling them and I was only 4 weeks! And then she confessed that during a visit we had the week before, she suspected I was pregnant. I had no idea though.

Anyway, with the miscarriage, they called me off the hook to talk about it and I had to repeatedly tell them that even though I'm okay, and sad but recovering, I didn't want to talk about it. They started mailing me books about miscarriage (like self-help). With my DD, they weren't thrilled until I had the first ultrasound, I think maybe expecting another miscarriage?

Anyway, I'm making them sound kind of bad but they really are sweet and caring people. But every time I announce pregnancy to them, I regret it. I honestly would rather wait til I got a dating scan or something.

So this time, I decided as my last pregnancy, I'm going to do what I've always wanted, which is not tell them as early. I couldn't wait and I told my mom and dad. Then my sister and brother. and of course, my best friend. My inlaws live across the country and there is no way they would find out without us telling them, but I'm now struggling with having told everyone else.

Please be honest. Should I just tell them? They might accidentally say something insensitive but they have the best intentions and always treat me like a daughter. I honestly would just rather wait til I knew things were progressing well. Thoughts?

 

[DobbyForever]

I would tell them. I can only imagine that either she or someone she is close to (as well as you) experienced a miscarriage, so she worries and stresses and wants everything to go ok for you/ be a pillar of support. It sounds like it comes from a place of love. You could have what I walk into every time I get pregnant which is verbally and emotionally abusive disapproval and gratitude when I lose my beans. So I say tell them, but if their comments about miscarriage bother you then get them before they say anything. Just tell them you are keeping a positive mindset and want them to do the same. It is okay to set boundaries.

P.S. congratulations!

 

[winterbabies3]

Do what you want!! I have had no patience with anyone this pregnancy to begin with but things are going to go my way as this is my third and last. I have not told anyone but close family about this baby (will when I know the sex, I have 2 boys and don't want to hear "oh I bet you want a girl.") I also have to tell my sister who has been in the delivery room for both boys that she isn't going to be this time. Actually, no one will be at the hospital at all and my room has been packed until the minute I deliver so I'll have a lot of upset people but guess what I feel better and I'm not stressing. Plus you have maybe 5 weeks until a scan is done, they will know eventually. Surprise them with the first ultrasound pic!!

 

[DaisyAnne]

You know, honestly, I had a miscarriage last time, and the way people reacted to it kind of guided who I wanted to tell early this time, if you know what I mean. The ones who handled it really well and showed they cared and respected my loss were the ones I wanted to share the news of this pregnancy with first. I still told my whole family really early, but I waited until I had my dating scan or my first blood draws, etc. before telling some of them. So I understand the feeling.

I've also had family on both sides react in the past with, "Why are you telling us so early? You shouldn't be telling us now. You haven't even seen the doctor, you don't even know if you're pregnant." Uhhh, well I think my morning sickness and positive pregnancy tests tell me enough! So frustrating to have insensitive comments when you're sharing such joyful-and personal- news! I think it's totally justifiable to wait just a little longer to tell them if you want- but it sounds like there will likely be comments you may not like whether you wait or not :-/

 

[Powell130]

If you wanna wait, wait. We have

 

[bookworm0901]

Thanks for the responses! Daisyanne, what you said is exactly why I haven't told them!!! Me and my DH talked about not telling anyone this time til the "safe" point in case of miscarriage but then I told him....if I have a miscarriage, I want to tell my mom she sister. And not "hey, I used to be pregnant, now I'm not". I'm okay with them knowing because I would share my miscarriage. But my in-laws made me feel so uncomfortable after my miscarriage because their support was talking to me about it and I didn't want to talk about it. Anyway so that really is what is holding me back from telling them. After getting okay beta results though I'm closer to letting them know.

 

[Aayla]

Coming in late to the convo.. I think you need to do what you want. I am having my first baby and I told everyone right away. (I only just found out). I got so many people telling me to not tell anyone and to not announce it right away "just in case."

and outside of all the objections that I got about announcing so early (when it is still possible for a CP to happen) I announced anyway. Called everyone, changed my profile pic to something cute and obvious on FB. I knew that if something were to happen that I would reannounce it and be surrounded by awesome support. Not everyone is going to say the right thing but the meaning behind it is what matters.

But Daisy: you nailed it with the "you don't even know you are pregnant." Because I don't know exactly when af is due and I started testing early, I found out a good 4 or 5 days before (if my cycle would have been 35 days I am still 3 days away). The 2 lines weren't good enough for anyone. The one was light but noticeable. No one believed the next days test enough either, even though the line was darker. My grandmother told me to call her back in 5 days and then she will congratulate me because it's too soon to truly know. The first positive test was the worst announcement day ever. My DH didn't believe it, my mom didn't believe it and everyone basically blew me off. I was gutted. It wasn't until my hcg test the next day that confirmed it that everyone was finally on board. But it was still the next day.

 

[DaisyAnne]

But Daisy: you nailed it with the "you don't even know you are pregnant." Because I don't know exactly when af is due and I started testing early, I found out a good 4 or 5 days before (if my cycle would have been 35 days I am still 3 days away). The 2 lines weren't good enough for anyone. The one was light but noticeable. No one believed the next days test enough either, even though the line was darker. My grandmother told me to call her back in 5 days and then she will congratulate me because it's too soon to truly know. The first positive test was the worst announcement day ever. My DH didn't believe it, my mom didn't believe it and everyone basically blew me off. I was gutted. It wasn't until my hcg test the next day that confirmed it that everyone was finally on board. But it was still the next day.

You know, that's so frustrating! I'm sorry you've gotten so much of that! You want to- and choose to- share with the world, but the world doesn't seem to approve of you telling them early. I can understand the concerns. I can understand and respect that everyone is in a different situation and many people feel better waiting to tell anyone until after 12 weeks, but I don't understand it as being generally considered the only respectable time to announce. I love sharing my news with people I see on a regular basis right away. I feel like I can share and celebrate what I'm going through with people that I want to share my life with. I personally do wait for the facebook thing until later, but partly bc my hubby really wants me to. I've had a chemical pregnancy, a healthy pregnancy, a miscarriage at 9 weeks, and now this pregnancy (going well!).

 

[Blessedheart]

Thanks for the responses! Daisyanne, what you said is exactly why I haven't told them!!! Me and my DH talked about not telling anyone this time til the "safe" point in case of miscarriage but then I told him....if I have a miscarriage, I want to tell my mom she sister. And not "hey, I used to be pregnant, now I'm not". I'm okay with them knowing because I would share my miscarriage. But my in-laws made me feel so uncomfortable after my miscarriage because their support was talking to me about it and I didn't want to talk about it. Anyway so that really is what is holding me back from telling them. After getting okay beta results though I'm closer to letting them know.

I told the people close to me quite early. I figured if there's a miscarriage, I'll need support from them anyway. Also, I couldn't wait to share the joys and pains of being pregnant! Just do what makes you comfortable. Congratulations!