Finding it really hard

[cupcake]

I am 14wks with my third baby and fourth pregnancy, I had a year and a half on infertility after my early miscarriage. I am just finding everything so hard. I feel the worst I have felt of all my pregnancies. I can barely eat, have terrible heartburn and reflux but the worst part is I am so scared. I just cant seem to believe it. I have had 3 scans seen a baby and a hearbeat , the last one I even saw baby moving, but still I just cant imagine I will have another baby. When does it get easier? When you feel movement?

Every little thing worries me but my biggest fear is going to a scan and them telling me its all over, going back to that horrible reality, struggle, sad, beat down personality that I eventually became after all those failures.
I just want to get through it, not discuss it with anyone on the street or in my family. Why cant they get that for me there is no planning, I am just hoping to make it day by day.

I know someone here will understand..

 

[Starry Night]

It is really hard being pregnant after a loss. And I am the same in that I find it impossible to plan. I force myself to say "when the baby comes" or "we have to do this" but I actually have a hard time seeing a baby arrive. I'm not sure it gets easier. My son's pregnancy came after a miscarriage and I panicked nearly the whole time. I did have complications with him so there was some cause for concern. This time, I am pregnant after two losses in a row and while nothing bad has happened I just can't relax. I don't feel pregnant other than sick, so it's hard to believe a baby is growing inside me. I keep convincing myself it's dead.

I really do think taking it one day at a time and setting up mini-milestones is key. Right now my mini-milestones are just getting through the week. My last loss milestone is at 12 weeks so still holding my breath a little bit.

 

[cupcake]

thanks for taking the time to reply isnt it weird how even sickness doesnt help

 

[Beneli]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm also on my fourth pregnancy and have two kids. My last ended in a blighted ovum, and I literally went into shock at seeing a baby at my 9 week scan as I was expecting an empty sac. Everyone has told me, "Now you can breathe and enjoy your pregnancy." Ummm...no? I refuse to discuss this pregnancy or anything of the sort until I feel firmly that things are ok. When does that happen though? Hopefully things will be back to that blissful pregnant feeling again!

 

[Starry Night]

I know I was very shocked to see a healthy bean at my u/s this time. With my last 2 I was originally diagnosed as a 'blighted ovum' but then a baby with heart beat would show up a week later. However, they were always small with really weak heart beats. So to see a baby measuring on time with a strong heart beat was such an unexpected surprise.

At first the technician seemed a little concerned which scared me but he was basing the dates off of my lmp and my cycles are 40 days. The baby was measuring exactly where I had guessed so then I was able to relax. Once the technician believed me that all my cycles are 40 days and my due date lined up with the one he was seeing, he told me all was fine. (Seriously, the medical community seems to refuse to believe you can get pregnant if your cycle is longer than 30 days...but I've gotten 5 bfps on long cycles)

 

[Topanga053]

I think everyone's different when--if ever--it gets easier. For me, it was around 15 weeks that it started getting easier. I think because that was the first time we heard the HB after first tri, I was able to breathe a little bit more and have faith. I still have scares and doubts, but it's definitely gotten easier to have faith as time has gone on. At the very beginning, I would not discuss it. I even told the tech at our first US that she could NOT give me an EDD because if we lost it, I didn't want to have another due date to mourn. Until around 14-15 weeks, I also refused to plan anything. Everything was "if this works out" and I got upset when people assumed things would be ok. Then around my 15 week apt, things just started getting easier. I hope the same happens for you too.

 

[MrsGax]

It is very hard being pregnant after a loss. I had 2 and I am 12+2-4 with this little miracle, but I still worry about EVERYTHING. I do not think it ever gets completely easier until we have our baby in our arms. Big hugs. I know the feeling.

 

[cupcake]

thanks everyone i have such anxiety over it, today i had a full out panic attack and terrible migrane for two days just because i had an appointment

 

[Starry Night]

How did your appointment go? I have one tomorrow and I'm with you on the panic attacks. They aren't as bad as they were with my son but definitely very nervous.

 

[Emily2630]

I started to relax a bit after my u/s at 11 weeks and then much more optimistic once feeling regular movement. Hang in there-- it's hard.

 

[ohsnapb]

I'm 30 weeks pregnant with my first after 5 losses and honestly most days I'm still a nervous wreck. I thought after 12 week scan id be okay with it and then the gender scan and my v day and then hitting the third trimester would all ease my fears but there are when I genuinely gear that its all over. if it want for my husband keeping me sane I don't know where I would be

 

[Starry Night]

It really is rough. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly and you have a perfect, uneventful delivery.

afm - still in limbo. I guess my OB doesn't have a very sensitive doppler or just has a policy to not check for a hb before a certain point. We don't do 12 week scans here so I just have to wait. She did agree to see me in 2 weeks rather than the standard 4 so I could hopefully get some reassurance. I appreciate that, but I do wish something could have been done. I'll have to pass my final loss milestone to get to that appointment.

 

[cupcake]

thanks everyone, it is so helpful to have other people comment, my appointment went okay, I had the quickest ultrasound known to man kind of saw the baby and a heartbeat, I got some vitamins, meds, blood work the usual. My next scan is the early anatomy one, I feel like I just try go from scan to scan. I am not feeling movement yet really. Its still so hard to believe there is a baby in there, who will be okay. I am trying really hard not to be negative.