Finding TTC so difficult...

[peekaboo]

Hi ladies, i'm not sure why I'm writing this but I feel like I need to 'let it all out'. AF has got me today and I am so so so so devastated. We have now been TTC for 18 months and I am really struggling to stay sane. I've tried everything I can possibly try naturally. Tried not thinking about it much (for first few months), tried NTNP, tried BDing every day, every other day, tried taking vitamins, taking EPO, drinking grapefruit juice, tried OV sticks a cple of months, tried preseed, tried zestica and tried conceive plus, also tried putting legs in air after BDing, pillow under bum and tried softcups. I don't know what to try anymore!!!

My DH has no sperm problems, I've had bloods, HSG and internal ultrasound - all fine. So, unexplained at moment. I'm CONVINCED it's because I don't get EWCM, hence the EPO and grapefruit juice. I did actually get it for a few hours after having my HSG (don't know if it was proper stuff or maybe the dye mixed with normal CM) so BDed then just in case. That's the only time I've had it ever!

I plan to take EPO again this month and drinking grapefruit juice, eating healthy etc, but I really feel like there's not much more I can do now.

Oh forgot to mention I started with reflexology last month too, so going to carry on with that.

We have follow up with FS in December so will find out what is the next step for us medically then but I wanted this to happen naturally so much and feel like a complete failure at the moment.

I'm not really sure what I'm expecting people to say but I just felt I had to get it written down. I've been crying for about two hours and feel like I'm going insane. Why can't TTC be easier than this?

 

[rachelle1975]

Hey Peek,

I'm so sorry you feel so down and stressed with it all at the moment. I should imagine that there is not a girl (and possibly a man) on here that hasn't got fed up and stressed with it at one time or another.

Sometimes when we are doing everything right we could possibly do, a makes no sense - and when you google stories and find a glimmer of hope where someone has fallen pregnant against the odds then you think 'why me?? why doesn't it happen to me?'

You probably could not do more than you already are - this time last year i was so down about it all and so stressed that i stopped it all, the temping, for baby making purposes... everything... after 2 months i had forgotten what part of my cycle i was in and when was due - it was kinda liberating.

If you know you are unexplained, what did the FS suggest? Do you have any other options to consider i.e. IUI or IVF?

There is light at the end of the tunnel for all of us - in one form or another... it's just the journey to get there sucks

 

[peekaboo]

Thanks so much, I appreciate you taking the time to reply. The FS hasn't suggested anything yet. The last time we saw her was in August before any of the tests (with the expection of DH's SA which we'd already got results of). We are going back for the 'official' results of my tests in December but were already told at the time of the tests that everything looked ok... so we haven't officially been classed as unexplained but the FS told us at the previous appointment that if the tests were ok then that would be the general belief. The only thing she really told us at the last appointment was that the next step could be more testing (mainly the 'lap' exam, which I don't really want to go for as I have no indications of anything wrong) or down the 'assisted' route. I have researched and researched until I have nothing left to research about, and I genuinely believe that if we need treatment we should go for IUI, because apparently this can be good for people without fertile cervical fluid, due to the fact that it bypasses a lot of the journey through there. Although I wouldn't be against IVF if it came to that, I'd definitely not go for it without trying IUI first, especially with DH having a great SA.

I feel awful moaning as I know some people have been in this position much longer and have got more complicated problems related to their own TTC journey, but I think that whatever our position our longing for a LO must be the same. I find it especially hard as I've seen so many friends start TTC after us and now have their babies. In fact this is the case for five people I know well and as much as I'm happy for them it makes our struggle so much harder to understand.

I wish you all the best for your own BFP and hope that we all get there as soon as possible. xx

 

[silarose28]

Hi Peekaboo


I just wanted to give you a big

It's completely normal to feel low when you have been ttc for a long time with no success. I agree with rachelle that there isn't much more you could possibly do. It does seem senseless that all us ladies who are deperate to concieve just find it so difficult.

Maybe it's just 1 of those days when you need to let it all out. A good cry is needed at times - we spend so long holding things in and keeping things together that it is bound to come out at some point. You are not alone in these hopeless feelings when af comes! I have spoken to lots of people who have gone through this who have said that they felt awful when af arrived - I couldn't face work 1 day when af came and worked from home that day! You will feel better though - and I'm sure your time will come soon xxx

 

[Dee7509]

 

[Dancingkaty1]

hi there peekaboo....reading ur post made was kinda like reading whats in my mind!!! I think AF has got me today too....was due on today & have had some back ache so kinda expected it but its still awful when it arrives isnt it theres nothing when i wipe yet but ( sorry if tmi!!) when i put my finger up there a beigey colour cm comes out...its usually white so im guessing the witch will come by 2moro....i aways used to just come on full flow but ever since we started ttc this time ( been 14 mths now) ive always spotted for 2-3days b4 the full flow comes!

We have tried lots of things too....pre-seed....soft cups.....husband has been talking fertile aid 4 men for the past 2/3 mths as had slightly low sperm count & motility.....ive been taking folic acid for the entire 14 mths.....i always put pillow under bum or legs in air lol!!! im thinking of starting taking the epo as i too dont have much ewcm...some mths i notice a little bit but it tends to be a few days b4 i would normally get my LH surge so i wonder if its too early???

We started off thinking it was all me...i only have 1 ovary & through internal scans done it confirmed it was polycystic.....the scan man told me that was prob the reason why i wasnt conceiving...i was devasted & came home & had a good cry....my daughter who is 4 in jan is now in bigger room...has been in there since she was 2ish & we have just left the nursery the way it was...ready 4 the next one...so when i came home that day i just fell apart seeing the empty cot in there....i couldnt talk to my husband as i felt such a failure!!! since then ive had bloodtests which show i did ovulate that mth so my FS that i finally saw in august doesnt seem bothered by the polycysts...i still dont get it & im convinced im not ovulating properly..how can she tell from 1 bloodtest that i ovulate ok the other 11 mths of the year!!?? ive also had the hycosy done all ok....

We are seeing the fs again 2moro and im really hoping she is more help 2moro....i really hope clomid is discussed & also iui....

Ijust dont feel like we are getting anywhere, eve after all these tests done....they all show so far everythings fine with me...well apart from the polycysts....my fs didnt even have the full reports on her when we saw her so how can she say dont worry bout polycysts!!!

I had a good cry in the bath last nite as knew AF was coming...is just been such an emotional year this year....i just wish i could wake up & either be preg or no longer have this longing for another baby.....its like living in a nightmare....everyone around me seems to be pregnant, even without ttc...life just seems so unfair....

dont know where abouts you live but there is a fertility show nov 6th-7th in london....if 2moro doesnt go well then we go to that...

wish we could win the lottery & go privately...surely we wouldnt have to wait all these mths for tests...then the results...then being booked in for more appointments & tests...im just sick of it all.....feeling soooo down xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[peekaboo]

Thanks for the hugs ladies.

DancingKaty come and join me on the 'feeling shitty' side of things! Its really hard isn't it. Sounds like you're going through same as us (with the additional polycysts worry). Sorry to hear that, I know so much how you feel at the moment. I have spoken to DH today and told him that even though I've got a bit upset on day 1 in all the previous months we've been trying I've still managed to stay quite positive and have picked myself up and thought 'right, what else can we try this month'. But this month I don't feel like that. I feel as though I've hit a point where I can't stay positive. I can't take it anymore getting AF each month. I honestly feel as though its starting to affect me in a serious way emotionally and feel as though I'm not me anymore - I'm starting to be really worn out and tired and down about everything and am scared that the longer TTC goes on the more down I'm going to get. How can I avoid that???

We can't really afford to go private either but we've decided that we're going to see what FS says in December and if they recommend treatment but say there's a long wait we're going to go private. We don't just have the money to splash around but we should be able to access the money. I would rather do that than risk my health and sanity by having to wait months and months and months for treatment. Whatever we can do to get a BFP we're going to do!!

Would you let me know how you get on with FS tomorrow? I'm really interested in what they say. I hope you get on ok. And thanks for posting your feelings and giving me a bit of perspective on things and realising its not just me in this situation. xx

 

[Starbright]

Hi

Just wanted to send some ((hugs)) your way. It's really hard hon.
Sorry I don't have much good to say. I hope you feel a bit more positive soon
Take care and good luck
xx

 

[puppymom32]

So sorry babe I know what you mean it just sucks sometimes. I too never get CM but have gotten pg not carried to full term but some how the spermies are getting up there everyonce in a while. I would talk to your dr about IUI I have heard this has been successful for women who may have hostile cervical mucus. I wish there was some sort of test to know if it is hostile or not. Sending you big hugs and baby dust for a BFP.

 

[kairzh7]

I too am feeling these things right along with you. I'm sorry and hope that you get some answers soon. It will help to be doing something about it rather than just waiting. I had the same issue with CM until this last month when I quit drinking soda and drink a ton of iced tea (decaf mix so not too much caffeine) and I actually had gobs of it this cycle. I O'd way late since my cycles are normally 30 days, but I am feeling hopeful for the first time in months which scares me because if I'm not pregnant than there will be a big crash when AF shows up. Good luck and know that you are definitely not alone in how you feel.

 

[chefamy1122]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time hun. It really sucks having trouble trying to conceive

 

[rachelle1975]

Hey Peek,

Don't feel bad moaning - i really don't think it matters if you have been trying 6 months or 6 years sometimes - the feeling of loss, helplessness and 'why is everyone else pregnant except me' is still there... with time we perhaps get better at masking our pain and dissapointment is all.

Must admit, given the choice i would 200% rather give IUI a go than have IVF - unfortunately our PCT doesn't have the option which is gutting. A friend gets 6 goes at IUI on consecutive months followed by 3 ivf cycles with her PCT.. perhaps i should go camp out in her spare room

Who knows what December's results might bring - things can change and things can improve - they may want to give you an HSG and transvaginal scan if you haven't had one already - not too invasive, not surgery and at least you would know if there were any blockages etc?

FX the only tears you will be shedding soon will be ones of joy when you get your I'm so deluded it's got to the stage where i don't think i'd believe the pee stick even if i saw it!

 

[peekaboo]

Thanks again everyone. Rachelle, I've already had those tests and as far as I know everything was fine. The man who did my HSG said my tubes were fine - no problems he said. I haven't had official results from ultrasound yet, but hopeful that it will be ok.

For the record, I'm feeling a bit better today. I don't think hormones help at all on CD1 - I have always got emotional before AF anyway (even before TTC) so now that I have something to get emotional about its 10 times worse!! So, its time now to focus on this being a new cycle, only one more AF (well hopefully no AF!) until we next see FS and then maybe we might get somewhere.

Is anyone else like me in that they wish time could stand still though? All these 'milestones' keep coming and that makes it so much harder!! For example when we first started trying early in 2008 I thought I'd be pregnant by Christmas. That Christmas came and went and I thought I'd have a baby by this Christmas. This Christmas is now looming and I'm not even pregnant yet. So now I'm thinking we might have one by next Christmas!! Aaaagh. I guess life always goes on around us whatever is happening in our lives.

Thinking of you all and I appreciate the fact that people send me their best wishes and hugs on here when everyone else is also going through so much. Its really kind of everyone. xxxxx

 

[RebaRezzelba]

Hi Peekaboo - Im 100% with you. Ive been trying for 23 months now and still nothing - not even a faint BFP. Ive done all the things you have - EPO, Preseed, Soft cups, Vit B, Folic Acid, etc etc etc - and still nothing. At the start of this cycle I was so upset - cried for a few hrs - very unlike me- probably cos I just found out 2 more friends are pregnant and as mush as I was happy for them I was sad for me.

I also thought last christmas that we would have a baby at the christmas table this year - i was so excited at the thought of it - and now its nearly chrimbo and nothing. My niece is pregnant now (only 19) and her baby will be at the christmas table.

Anyway ive kinda decided that if nothing by Jan Im gonna stop trying for a while - just forget about it completely. Then if nothing in 6 months I might go for an endo test (cos I get bad periods and have some of the symptoms but dont want to be messing with my self down there - cos would love a natural baby).

We are also on an IVF waiting list - again I dont want IVF but at least we are on the list - maybe in 3 yrs if still nothing we have that to fall back on.

Anyway good luck to us all in this heartbreaking TTC journey - we will get there in the end - PMA all the way!

 

[Dancingkaty1]

hi peekaboo...glad you are feeling a little better today....its good that its not long til ur fs appointment.....

i sooo agree with you about the time standing still thing!!! we started trying sept 08.....i wasnt expecting to conceive for about 6 mths as thats how long it took with my daughter who is nearly 4....so was thinkinjg we should get out BFP by March 09.....how niave was i!!!! i really thought we would have ababy by this christmas...i remember thinking in march if i dont fall preg by this mth then thats no baby christmas 09.....ive started my AF today.....well im not even spotting yet but when i put my finger up there there is a tiny bit of blood so shes coming i was sooo hoping for a BFP this mth so we could have our 13 week scan photo by christmas & know everything was fine.....but hey...we just have to be positive that we will at least get our BFP's b4 christmas now....would truly make my christmas & the past very emotional 14 mths all worth it!!!

I have just got back from seeing fs & i pushed for clomid which she agreed....sooo happy that we are finally getting some where hopefully.... i really hope your fs appointment goes well too & they can help you.....but hoping you get ur BFP b4 then...fingers crossed!!! xx