monochromatic
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- Jan 4, 2017
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This is my first time posting on here, and I just have so many questions/thoughts/concerns to get off my chest...
I found out I was pregnant on Dec 23 with an at home test, my husband and I had been trying only for a month (probably had sex less than 5 times) and were fortunate enough to conceive so quickly. We debated sharing the news with our family but his dad has stage 4 cancer and is in his last days and he wanted to share the news before he passed. His mom was also visiting the next day so part of me felt like it was a sign, like she was coming to hear the good news... so we told my sisters and my parents and his parents. On Dec 28 I went in for my first checkup, I had started spotting and was worried though I read online and heard from my sister that this happened with some women. I was 6 weeks at the time of my appointment and had many symptoms, fatigue, night sweats, loss of taste... I had bloodwork done twice that day and a urine test. My urine test came back a few days later and my doctor let me know I had a bladder infection, I was prescribed antibiotics. I was told to go into the ER if I bled enough to fill a pad and I was spotting enough for a pantyliner.
I went to a cottage on Dec 29 - Jan 1 with some friends. On the drive up I had mild to bad cramping but thought it may be bumpy roads or something normal... My cramping continued on and off the next day, as did the spotting which got a little heavier, still not enough to fill a pad. I went to pee at one point and passed a clot on a bloody 'string', it felt like it was the gestation sac but I had no idea, I shared this with my husband who thought it may just be normal and I still wasn't bleeding heavily, so we shrugged it off. My spotting continued the whole trip and a few days filled a pantyliner but still not enough for a pad. We got home on Jan 1 and on Jan 2 when I woke up, I had a lot of blood in my urine. It was absolutely frightening, the entire toilet bowl was filled with blood and some tissue. My husband went to get my antibiotics for the bladder infection and by the time he got back, I had filled a pad and was still bleeding while urinating. We went to the ER.
The ER wait was excruciating. It felt like that staff were desensitized to a potential miscarriage, maybe it's just that common? It was crushing to sit there for hours and wait. I got more bloodwork done, a urine test and waited for my results. I saw an ER doctor probably around 2 hours into having arrived, he checked me for pains and asked questions and told me to continue to wait for the results. Another 2-3 hours later, and after 4-5 times of me following up with the ER nurse, the doctor came and confirmed my bladder infection and did an ultrasound. We saw a flicker of what he thought was the fetal pole but wanted to get a better look so he sent us to the radiology department. We waited a short time and I went in alone for a vaginal and abdomen ultrasound. Since this was our first pregnancy, my husband and I hadn't been intimate since learning we were pregnant and with the bladder infection, my vagina felt pretty sensitive so when she inserted the device, it was quite painful. She prodded for what seemed like 10 minutes, in different awkward and sometimes painful angles. She couldn't give me results, she had to speak to the doctor to write up a report. I waited again, for a porter to take us back to the ER waiting room so the report could be sent to the ER doctor to be reviewed with us.
We waited again in the waiting room. I should mention the ER waiting room was shared by multiple patients with different ailments, so during this incredibly sensitive time, I was sitting there in a room full of strangers. The ER doctor took us to a room and told us the nurse would prep us and he had to do an exam, he ran off. The nurse seemed unprepared and introduced himself and left. The ER doctor came back and asked why I hadn't undressed - nobody had told us anything! I changed. He came in with a female nurse and told me that I was miscarrying and he had to check my cervix for tissues. He delivered the news so coldly and mechanically that it didn't even process, we asked why he was doing the exam and he said to swab for tissues and to make sure it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. I was so crushed. He inserted what seemed like a torture device from the 1920s, a metal speculum (not sure what the word is but my physician uses a plastic one, more carefully when I get my pap exams) inside my vagina and I just burst into tears with the pain and reality of what was happening. My husband held my hand through it. It was gut wrenching. He swabbed me and said a gynecologist would come see me and review the ultrasound results in detail and do another internal exam and he just left.
The nurse then told me to get dressed and wait in the waiting room. After everything I had been through, we were hitting the 9 hour mark at the hospital at this point, and being informed so bluntly about our loss, they now expected me to get dressed and wait in a room full of strangers AGAIN?! I even asked if I could just wait there and he said no. I didn't see anyone use the room while we waited another hour for the gynecologist. It was so excruciating to hold my tears back, I just hate crying in front of anyone let alone strangers. And it felt so bizarre, like nobody cared about what had just happened and I had to sit next to people who were being told whatever they were tested for was clear so they could go home or the guy who was waiting for surgery... was I really in the same category as these people? I just loss the life that I had nurture inside me for 6 weeks, can't I even have a room to wait in and cry in?! Nothing made sense.
The gynecologist arrived and was the most positive interaction we had during the 10 hours in the hospital. He told us that there was no sac and there was only tissue left that would likely naturally pass. I had no other symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy and he felt no need for another internal exam if I was okay with that, which I was. He reassured us that we couldn't have done anything to stop this from happening, it was not our fault and that this wouldn't impact future pregnancies. He reviewed my results with a senior staff member who agreed with his suggestion to send us home and ask for me to come in for another ultrasound in 2 days. I asked for a doctors note and it felt so sh!tty to know that I could only take 5 days off work or I'd have to apply for short term disability for more time off... but I am grateful I at least get this week to be home.
We got home at midnight and I just bawled my eyes out as soon as we got home. I cried so much and so hard that the blood vessels under my right eye burst and I have red dots on my skin.
This is so heartbreaking. How do you get through this? I am so terrified to try to get pregnant. How do I go back to work and sit at my desk? Work just seems so trivial. What do I tell my team? I just told them I have time off for medical reasons and I know I don't need to disclose but I am so scared that one question will send me reeling. Now my husband has to tell his dad, during his last days, about this loss... so the whole point of sharing the news is just another loss. I have only been able to text my sisters and my mom about this, they have been so supportive and want to see me or talk to me when I'm ready but I can't even bring myself to speak to anyone. My husband took the day off work to be with me and it breaks my heart that he has to go back to work tomorrow, why is there no bereavement leave for miscarriage? Our company policy is for pregnancy loss at 20 weeks. Why aren't miscarriages taken more seriously?
I was so happy when I found out, and I even saved our pregnancy stick, I don't know why, I couldn't bring myself to throw it out. Now we're going to bury it... and I want to give him/her a name, I know to some people, 6 weeks isn't much but I felt life inside me. My tummy grew, I felt my body change in anticipation of welcoming new life, and my heart beamed with love. I don't know how people get through this, when does it get better? How do you grieve?
I feel so alone. My husband has been an amazing and supportive partner but its indescribable to explain what my body is going through. He will never feel this the way I do.
This is such a long winded post so if you ever read it in it's entirety, thank you. I just needed to get this out.
I found out I was pregnant on Dec 23 with an at home test, my husband and I had been trying only for a month (probably had sex less than 5 times) and were fortunate enough to conceive so quickly. We debated sharing the news with our family but his dad has stage 4 cancer and is in his last days and he wanted to share the news before he passed. His mom was also visiting the next day so part of me felt like it was a sign, like she was coming to hear the good news... so we told my sisters and my parents and his parents. On Dec 28 I went in for my first checkup, I had started spotting and was worried though I read online and heard from my sister that this happened with some women. I was 6 weeks at the time of my appointment and had many symptoms, fatigue, night sweats, loss of taste... I had bloodwork done twice that day and a urine test. My urine test came back a few days later and my doctor let me know I had a bladder infection, I was prescribed antibiotics. I was told to go into the ER if I bled enough to fill a pad and I was spotting enough for a pantyliner.
I went to a cottage on Dec 29 - Jan 1 with some friends. On the drive up I had mild to bad cramping but thought it may be bumpy roads or something normal... My cramping continued on and off the next day, as did the spotting which got a little heavier, still not enough to fill a pad. I went to pee at one point and passed a clot on a bloody 'string', it felt like it was the gestation sac but I had no idea, I shared this with my husband who thought it may just be normal and I still wasn't bleeding heavily, so we shrugged it off. My spotting continued the whole trip and a few days filled a pantyliner but still not enough for a pad. We got home on Jan 1 and on Jan 2 when I woke up, I had a lot of blood in my urine. It was absolutely frightening, the entire toilet bowl was filled with blood and some tissue. My husband went to get my antibiotics for the bladder infection and by the time he got back, I had filled a pad and was still bleeding while urinating. We went to the ER.
The ER wait was excruciating. It felt like that staff were desensitized to a potential miscarriage, maybe it's just that common? It was crushing to sit there for hours and wait. I got more bloodwork done, a urine test and waited for my results. I saw an ER doctor probably around 2 hours into having arrived, he checked me for pains and asked questions and told me to continue to wait for the results. Another 2-3 hours later, and after 4-5 times of me following up with the ER nurse, the doctor came and confirmed my bladder infection and did an ultrasound. We saw a flicker of what he thought was the fetal pole but wanted to get a better look so he sent us to the radiology department. We waited a short time and I went in alone for a vaginal and abdomen ultrasound. Since this was our first pregnancy, my husband and I hadn't been intimate since learning we were pregnant and with the bladder infection, my vagina felt pretty sensitive so when she inserted the device, it was quite painful. She prodded for what seemed like 10 minutes, in different awkward and sometimes painful angles. She couldn't give me results, she had to speak to the doctor to write up a report. I waited again, for a porter to take us back to the ER waiting room so the report could be sent to the ER doctor to be reviewed with us.
We waited again in the waiting room. I should mention the ER waiting room was shared by multiple patients with different ailments, so during this incredibly sensitive time, I was sitting there in a room full of strangers. The ER doctor took us to a room and told us the nurse would prep us and he had to do an exam, he ran off. The nurse seemed unprepared and introduced himself and left. The ER doctor came back and asked why I hadn't undressed - nobody had told us anything! I changed. He came in with a female nurse and told me that I was miscarrying and he had to check my cervix for tissues. He delivered the news so coldly and mechanically that it didn't even process, we asked why he was doing the exam and he said to swab for tissues and to make sure it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. I was so crushed. He inserted what seemed like a torture device from the 1920s, a metal speculum (not sure what the word is but my physician uses a plastic one, more carefully when I get my pap exams) inside my vagina and I just burst into tears with the pain and reality of what was happening. My husband held my hand through it. It was gut wrenching. He swabbed me and said a gynecologist would come see me and review the ultrasound results in detail and do another internal exam and he just left.
The nurse then told me to get dressed and wait in the waiting room. After everything I had been through, we were hitting the 9 hour mark at the hospital at this point, and being informed so bluntly about our loss, they now expected me to get dressed and wait in a room full of strangers AGAIN?! I even asked if I could just wait there and he said no. I didn't see anyone use the room while we waited another hour for the gynecologist. It was so excruciating to hold my tears back, I just hate crying in front of anyone let alone strangers. And it felt so bizarre, like nobody cared about what had just happened and I had to sit next to people who were being told whatever they were tested for was clear so they could go home or the guy who was waiting for surgery... was I really in the same category as these people? I just loss the life that I had nurture inside me for 6 weeks, can't I even have a room to wait in and cry in?! Nothing made sense.
The gynecologist arrived and was the most positive interaction we had during the 10 hours in the hospital. He told us that there was no sac and there was only tissue left that would likely naturally pass. I had no other symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy and he felt no need for another internal exam if I was okay with that, which I was. He reassured us that we couldn't have done anything to stop this from happening, it was not our fault and that this wouldn't impact future pregnancies. He reviewed my results with a senior staff member who agreed with his suggestion to send us home and ask for me to come in for another ultrasound in 2 days. I asked for a doctors note and it felt so sh!tty to know that I could only take 5 days off work or I'd have to apply for short term disability for more time off... but I am grateful I at least get this week to be home.
We got home at midnight and I just bawled my eyes out as soon as we got home. I cried so much and so hard that the blood vessels under my right eye burst and I have red dots on my skin.
This is so heartbreaking. How do you get through this? I am so terrified to try to get pregnant. How do I go back to work and sit at my desk? Work just seems so trivial. What do I tell my team? I just told them I have time off for medical reasons and I know I don't need to disclose but I am so scared that one question will send me reeling. Now my husband has to tell his dad, during his last days, about this loss... so the whole point of sharing the news is just another loss. I have only been able to text my sisters and my mom about this, they have been so supportive and want to see me or talk to me when I'm ready but I can't even bring myself to speak to anyone. My husband took the day off work to be with me and it breaks my heart that he has to go back to work tomorrow, why is there no bereavement leave for miscarriage? Our company policy is for pregnancy loss at 20 weeks. Why aren't miscarriages taken more seriously?
I was so happy when I found out, and I even saved our pregnancy stick, I don't know why, I couldn't bring myself to throw it out. Now we're going to bury it... and I want to give him/her a name, I know to some people, 6 weeks isn't much but I felt life inside me. My tummy grew, I felt my body change in anticipation of welcoming new life, and my heart beamed with love. I don't know how people get through this, when does it get better? How do you grieve?
I feel so alone. My husband has been an amazing and supportive partner but its indescribable to explain what my body is going through. He will never feel this the way I do.
This is such a long winded post so if you ever read it in it's entirety, thank you. I just needed to get this out.
the doctors can really make a difference and even though they're desensitized, at least there are some real people out there like your doctor who cried. Miscarriages are so common, I wish they had specific procedures or staff dedicated to dealing with them as a specialty. I feel like because they are so common, they care even less because they see it so often.
