livnwitchiari
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- Jul 11, 2014
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I am 21 years old and 29 weeks pregnant with a baby boy.
To back it up a bit, I got pregnant very soon in my relationship with my boyfriend. Like, shockingly soon. Basically we met in November, started Dating in December, and I got pregnant in January.
I have a great support system from both my family and his and never once have I felt like I can't do this. My boyfriend and I had a nice little plan lined out. I was going to move in with him at his place.. we were going to clean out and paint and fix up the whole house and get it baby ready. And being the first time I've ever lived away from home, I already had stress and insecurities that come with that experience. But at the same time was really excited to start "nesting" and getting the babies room ready.
But "nesting" and getting ready are the only things positive that I can bring myself to feel. I read all these things all over the internet and from other mums and expecting mums about how they feel that "connection" to their baby. And it makes me sick to my stomach because I don't think I feel it. I'm excited to be a mum and of course scared... but I can't really come to terms with the fact that I am ACTUALLY pregnant, and I am in my 3rd trimester. I'm doing everything I can to pretend to be the Happy Pregnant Lady. I threw a Gender Reveal, I fake smiles when people ask how I'm doing... the whole deal. But all this faking is really starting to get to me. I figured this...empty feeling about being pregnant would go away when I started to feel him. But He's moving all the time now and I still haven't seem to fill that void.
A lot of posts I read dealing with this similar issue all stated that everything would change after I see him and hold him for the first time. But i'm worried that it won't. I'm so scared that I'll continue to feel this detached emptiness I'm feeling after he's born. I've struggled with depression in my past bad enough to the point where I know how to deal with the mild "poofs" of it that come with all these hormones... I don't like therapy and I refuse to get on antidepressants ever again. I hated the way they made me feel..
It's not just the pregnancy that I'm feeling detached from. My boyfriend suffers from it to. I have no interest in being around him or talking with him. I'm short tempered with him and I feel like he has no freaking brain at all 99% of the time. I have no sex drive. in fact the last few times we've had sex was because I felt bad for how I've been acting towards him, and it was a tiny attempt to show him that I still care. But I didn't enjoy any of it physically. He is going to be such a good dad, but I'm so scared that because our relationship was so new when we conceived that the added stress from pregnancy is going to ruin us.
I'm not insecure in our relationship in the way people might think. I don't think that he is going to leave me for someone skinny and not so pregnant looking. I'm scared that I am not going to want HIM. I'm extremely independent normally in my relationships. I don't feel the need to say 'i love you' every five minutes or to kiss and hug and hold hands at every available second. But i would do those things to make my partner happy. So i dealt with doing them. but now that I'm pregnant just a simple hug from my boyfriend makes me feel completely smothered. and deeply annoyed.
People say that when the pregnancy is all over with it will make us stronger, but I don't even know if I want that because I'm feeling so detached smothered and annoyed by him. I hate the fact that I feel this way because I can see that it is hurting him. I just don't know what to do. I want to fix it, but have no motivation or drive to do so.
I have a perfectly healthy baby boy growing inside me, and all I can think about is how fat I look or how hot it is outside... how nothing is going the way I thought it would...
We put hundreds of dollars into fixing up this house that my boyfriend was renting from his grandfather. and then just a couple weeks ago, his grandfather came to the house and saw how fixed up and nice it was, and told us he wanted us out in a month. (Turns out he did the same thing to my boyfriends mother when she was pregnant with him. They were renting from his motor home, fixed it up real good with their own money, then when he came and saw it all nice, kicked them out with she was 7 months pregnant. HIS OWN DAUGHTER AND GRANDSON! and now his Grandson again with his GREAT GRANDSON!!!)
towards the end of my first trimester was when I moved into that home. I had just quit my job because my boyfriend wanted me to have the most stress free pregnancy. (And I absolutely HATED my job) Shortly after I quit my job, my boyfriend got put on the night shift..so when he was home he was sleeping and i hardly ever got to see him or feel support from him in the early months of pregnancy. I was up in a new house, in a new neighborhood all alone and started feeling depressed. I started spending more and more time back at my parents house because I didn't like feeling so alone...and now just as I enter my third trimester we get kicked out of our home where I was attempting to embrace the one positive thing I had been feeling throughout this pregnancy. (Nesting)
My mum has been trying to convince me to go to birthing classes, and part of me wants to...but the other part is screaming not to. because every time I try to plan something out to feel some sort of security in this pregnancy it gets thrown back in my face.
My boyfriend and I are now living in a garage my parents sort of remodeled into a room. The only ideal part of this situation is now I'm not really alone all the time. My boyfriend is still on night shift but, I have my family. My boyfriend wants to wait to find a new place until after the baby comes, but my babies first room being a garage... makes me cry every time I think about it. I had all these things picked out for the room. We were going to do a nautical theme... and I just wanted the best for him.
Even though I'm not feeling that connection.. I am feeling protective and all I want is for him to have the best life possible.
I can't even think of a stinkin name for him. Before I was pregnant I always thought about baby names and had at least 15 names that I loved for both boys and girls. but now that I'm pregnant, none of them reach out to me or feel right. I feel like that has a lot to do with me feeling disconnected.
I feel soo fully guilty about not feeling this magical feeling most mums feel. I feel guilty for treating my boyfriend the way I do when he does so much for me. I feel guilty for putting my family through me moving back and forth and being so detached. I feel guilty for looking at the mirror and being unhappy with the way that I look. and For crying for not feeling pretty. It's honestly pathetic. I'm pregnant, i realize i'm going to look puffy, but feeling like a hippo in every piece of maternity clothing i wear... I don't know how to feel happy and confident with any of this. especially with all that has been going on.
I honestly believe that it is a miracle that I haven't lost this baby because of all the stress i've been under. I know stress can cause miscarriages all this guilt is just making more stress. and this is the most stress I've ever felt in my life.
I just wish that I knew how to rid myself of all this guilt and to be happy and excited for my baby boy.
To back it up a bit, I got pregnant very soon in my relationship with my boyfriend. Like, shockingly soon. Basically we met in November, started Dating in December, and I got pregnant in January.
I have a great support system from both my family and his and never once have I felt like I can't do this. My boyfriend and I had a nice little plan lined out. I was going to move in with him at his place.. we were going to clean out and paint and fix up the whole house and get it baby ready. And being the first time I've ever lived away from home, I already had stress and insecurities that come with that experience. But at the same time was really excited to start "nesting" and getting the babies room ready.
But "nesting" and getting ready are the only things positive that I can bring myself to feel. I read all these things all over the internet and from other mums and expecting mums about how they feel that "connection" to their baby. And it makes me sick to my stomach because I don't think I feel it. I'm excited to be a mum and of course scared... but I can't really come to terms with the fact that I am ACTUALLY pregnant, and I am in my 3rd trimester. I'm doing everything I can to pretend to be the Happy Pregnant Lady. I threw a Gender Reveal, I fake smiles when people ask how I'm doing... the whole deal. But all this faking is really starting to get to me. I figured this...empty feeling about being pregnant would go away when I started to feel him. But He's moving all the time now and I still haven't seem to fill that void.
A lot of posts I read dealing with this similar issue all stated that everything would change after I see him and hold him for the first time. But i'm worried that it won't. I'm so scared that I'll continue to feel this detached emptiness I'm feeling after he's born. I've struggled with depression in my past bad enough to the point where I know how to deal with the mild "poofs" of it that come with all these hormones... I don't like therapy and I refuse to get on antidepressants ever again. I hated the way they made me feel..
It's not just the pregnancy that I'm feeling detached from. My boyfriend suffers from it to. I have no interest in being around him or talking with him. I'm short tempered with him and I feel like he has no freaking brain at all 99% of the time. I have no sex drive. in fact the last few times we've had sex was because I felt bad for how I've been acting towards him, and it was a tiny attempt to show him that I still care. But I didn't enjoy any of it physically. He is going to be such a good dad, but I'm so scared that because our relationship was so new when we conceived that the added stress from pregnancy is going to ruin us.
I'm not insecure in our relationship in the way people might think. I don't think that he is going to leave me for someone skinny and not so pregnant looking. I'm scared that I am not going to want HIM. I'm extremely independent normally in my relationships. I don't feel the need to say 'i love you' every five minutes or to kiss and hug and hold hands at every available second. But i would do those things to make my partner happy. So i dealt with doing them. but now that I'm pregnant just a simple hug from my boyfriend makes me feel completely smothered. and deeply annoyed.
People say that when the pregnancy is all over with it will make us stronger, but I don't even know if I want that because I'm feeling so detached smothered and annoyed by him. I hate the fact that I feel this way because I can see that it is hurting him. I just don't know what to do. I want to fix it, but have no motivation or drive to do so.
I have a perfectly healthy baby boy growing inside me, and all I can think about is how fat I look or how hot it is outside... how nothing is going the way I thought it would...
We put hundreds of dollars into fixing up this house that my boyfriend was renting from his grandfather. and then just a couple weeks ago, his grandfather came to the house and saw how fixed up and nice it was, and told us he wanted us out in a month. (Turns out he did the same thing to my boyfriends mother when she was pregnant with him. They were renting from his motor home, fixed it up real good with their own money, then when he came and saw it all nice, kicked them out with she was 7 months pregnant. HIS OWN DAUGHTER AND GRANDSON! and now his Grandson again with his GREAT GRANDSON!!!)
towards the end of my first trimester was when I moved into that home. I had just quit my job because my boyfriend wanted me to have the most stress free pregnancy. (And I absolutely HATED my job) Shortly after I quit my job, my boyfriend got put on the night shift..so when he was home he was sleeping and i hardly ever got to see him or feel support from him in the early months of pregnancy. I was up in a new house, in a new neighborhood all alone and started feeling depressed. I started spending more and more time back at my parents house because I didn't like feeling so alone...and now just as I enter my third trimester we get kicked out of our home where I was attempting to embrace the one positive thing I had been feeling throughout this pregnancy. (Nesting)
My mum has been trying to convince me to go to birthing classes, and part of me wants to...but the other part is screaming not to. because every time I try to plan something out to feel some sort of security in this pregnancy it gets thrown back in my face.
My boyfriend and I are now living in a garage my parents sort of remodeled into a room. The only ideal part of this situation is now I'm not really alone all the time. My boyfriend is still on night shift but, I have my family. My boyfriend wants to wait to find a new place until after the baby comes, but my babies first room being a garage... makes me cry every time I think about it. I had all these things picked out for the room. We were going to do a nautical theme... and I just wanted the best for him.
Even though I'm not feeling that connection.. I am feeling protective and all I want is for him to have the best life possible.
I can't even think of a stinkin name for him. Before I was pregnant I always thought about baby names and had at least 15 names that I loved for both boys and girls. but now that I'm pregnant, none of them reach out to me or feel right. I feel like that has a lot to do with me feeling disconnected.
I feel soo fully guilty about not feeling this magical feeling most mums feel. I feel guilty for treating my boyfriend the way I do when he does so much for me. I feel guilty for putting my family through me moving back and forth and being so detached. I feel guilty for looking at the mirror and being unhappy with the way that I look. and For crying for not feeling pretty. It's honestly pathetic. I'm pregnant, i realize i'm going to look puffy, but feeling like a hippo in every piece of maternity clothing i wear... I don't know how to feel happy and confident with any of this. especially with all that has been going on.
I honestly believe that it is a miracle that I haven't lost this baby because of all the stress i've been under. I know stress can cause miscarriages all this guilt is just making more stress. and this is the most stress I've ever felt in my life.
I just wish that I knew how to rid myself of all this guilt and to be happy and excited for my baby boy.
